I kicked some gnome @ss last night! (long)- Mtbr.com
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  1. #1
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    I kicked some gnome @ss last night! (long)

    Remember those little fellas who were messing with my chain tension just because I decided to put some new stuff on the bike?? Well, last night, it was time to pay and I was the bookie looking square up the books. Yup, I found their hideout and decided I was done with their antics.

    It all went down kinda like this...I had gone downstairs to grab a lightbulb from the shelf, a shelf that happened to be directly across from where the Blizzard hung in all its pathetic sagging chain glory. As I descended the stairs I heard my wife call out that we had to get the kids in bed so don't get sucked into doing something on my bike (I sometimes wonder if she isn't in cahoots with those little gnome freaks). Anyway, the thought of working on my bike never even, cough, crossed my, cough, cough mind. Until I saw her hanging there on the workstand. She looked so sad with that chain all droopy like that (reminded me of the pics I used to love in the Natl. Geographic - yeah, you know the ones, but I digress). I took a step over to her to inspect that chain for the 100th time when I heard my wife getting the kids coralled (sp?) for bedtime and decided I better come back in a bit. As I walked out of the room, I swore I heard the faint sounds of laughter.

    Flash forward a bit and the kids are settled in and my wife has even called it a night. Perfect! Now it's just me, the Blizzard, and thoughts of taught chains. Suddenly, I had it! I knew how to solve my problem....I bounded down the stairs and hit the light. Out of the corned of my eye, I know I something scrambling behind the furnace. Nah, couldn't be, besides, I had more important things to do. I excitedly removed the new chain and grabbed a 5mm allen wrench to start working on the chainring bolts. One by one, they came out until the ring was free. Sensing something behind me, I spun quickly. OK, maybe not quickly, more like the movement of a guy who had been sitting on the can about 3 mintures too long. Yeah, the right foot had fallen asleep from kneeling down on it to remove the bolts. The gnomes must have sensed this vulnerability because as I awkwardly turned, the bolts I had carefully laid on the floor were sent flying in every direction. Ahhhhh, it had to be the work of the gnomes trying to destroy my plans to rectify the chain problem - a problem they were clearly involved in. Now I don't know how many of you have had to find 10 small bolts/parts scattered over a reasonably large and somewhat messy workroom but this was no small task. I donned my helmet equipped with a LNM headlamp and went to work. I moved things around, crawled around on hands and knees, one bolt, two, three, a few small backing pieces...I was trakcing them all down! All but one. That's when it happened...I noticed some boxes out of place under the workbench and heard some muted conversation in a language which most closely resembled some of the written gibberish we used to hear from the Waspinator (a coincidence? Im not so sure). In any case, they seemed unaware of my proximity when I distinctly heard the words tensioner and eno mentioned. That's when I knew I had them! Ignoring the lack of blood in my legs, I dove for the boxes sending some random tools, a bag of grease rags, and an unopened Corona (what was THAT doing here?) scittering across the floor. Those little SOB's had a psoh little settup having used various boxes from Jenson USA and other etailers to create a mutliroom complex taht David Koresh would have been proud of.

    Well, like Mr. Koresh, they seemed to want to fight it out. I began my assualt by trying to simply catch them....stupid move, they are far too smart for that having scattered small pieces of frayed brake cable around their compound in an attempt to inflcit pain (which it did) and dter my efforts. Not to be though, I was determined. Next I tried to flood them out by spilling used fork oil all over the boxes, again, no luck. As a last ditch effort, I decided to drink the Corona and contemplate what to do. I popped the cap off (using a chain whip, btw) and had a sip....it was warm but I needed help and was too close to leave the scene and allow an escape. Then, slowly, they began to emerge. One by one until there were three. They seemed mesmerized by the Corona, almost hypnotic. I realized then that I had them. I scooped two immediately and dropped them in the bottle of used fork oil which was now only half full. The last sound I heard was their muffled screams as I put the lid on. Two down, one to go. Realizing the fate of the others, the lsat gnome dashed towards the Blizzard, perhaps in one last futile attempt to inflict his gnomish evil upon my steed. Not today though, I felt invincible! I dove for the little [email protected]@rd covering myself in oil, dust, and dog hair ( a nasty mix, at best) but felt my hands grab onto his arm. We stared at each other a moment with a look of bewilderment and hysteria when I felt a calm come over me - I had won. With the look that might have scared Charles Manson, I stared at the gnome as I raised it to my lips and with one deft move, chomped the little mutha, washing it down with a swig of warm Corona.

    Had I been in Whooville, I would have resembled the Grinch after his heart grew three sizes. I rushed to the Blizzard, strengthened by my snack and the carbs from the beer, mind now razor sharp. With the skill of a surgeon, I moved the new chainring to the inside of the crank spider, reassembled the OLD chain with a half link, tightended things up, placed the chain on the cog and top of the chainring, closed my eyes, gave the cranks a turn, and BINGO!!! Absolutely perfect tension once again! I had overcome the evil gnome warriors although one sound still rings in my mind....just before I munched on the final gnome, I though it heard it whisper a single word - Ernesto......too wierd.

    Well, that's my story and quite a long winded way of saying I fixed from tension problem but I had some time to kill before embarking on a side job as.....The Gnominator!

    Thanks for reading and may you live gnome free until help arrives!
    though hope is frail, it must prevail - Taj Weekes

    betam eh-wud-eh-HA-lehu y
    eh-nay Ityopia!

  2. #2
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    You need help...

    frying up the other 2? Sounds like you already have a good breading mix - dip them in some stale corona & roll them around on the floor a couple of times.

  3. #3
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    Funny stuff

    You not only ride ss, but dabble in creative writing as well. Nicely done. It's funny you mention about going to the garage for a light bulb and your wife telling you to hurry back. I swear every time I go to the garage for something I end up doing something bike-related and don't come back for a good half-hour.
    Still no Chameleon?

  4. #4
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    Is that you Retch?

    Quote Originally Posted by Simpleton
    frying up the other 2? Sounds like you already have a good breading mix - dip them in some stale corona & roll them around on the floor a couple of times.
    Avatar looks like you..........you dissed mass produced beer......check......but where's the rapier witt? and why the new moniker? been huffing inhalants? Send that warm weather east to poppa. Speaking of Poppas................Ernesto is birthing as we speak...........stay tuned for official Eresto baby news.

  5. #5
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    yup. 'sme. I'm not so lonely & wretched any more and I'm trying to live the "less is more" life, hence the handle change. I rode about 30 miles today - 75 degrees, sunny & very low humidity. Bright spring green and wildflowers galore! Hope you get some of the same tomorrow. Could be 90 here by the weekend



    Quote Originally Posted by LakeRaven
    Avatar looks like you..........you dissed mass produced beer......check......but where's the rapier witt? and why the new moniker? been huffing inhalants? Send that warm weather east to poppa. Speaking of Poppas................Ernesto is birthing as we speak...........stay tuned for official Eresto baby news.
    Who's really holding the remote control?

  6. #6
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    Oops! Identity crisis!

    forgot to toss my cookies!

  7. #7
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    Quote Originally Posted by P-Funk
    You not only ride ss, but dabble in creative writing as well. Nicely done. It's funny you mention about going to the garage for a light bulb and your wife telling you to hurry back. I swear every time I go to the garage for something I end up doing something bike-related and don't come back for a good half-hour.
    Still no Chameleon?
    Im glad to hear Im not the only one with the disorder. I swear I can't walk past the bike without at least spinning the crank and God forbid I hear any strange noise (real or perceived) when I do....that's a guaranteed half hour - minimum!

    No Lizard yet though. Word from SC is that rootbeer was being painted middle of this week....WHY THAT"S TODAY!!!!!! Hopefully (fingers and various body parts crossed) I'll have one next week. You been spending lots of time on your lately, weather has to be great out your way this time of the year.
    though hope is frail, it must prevail - Taj Weekes

    betam eh-wud-eh-HA-lehu y
    eh-nay Ityopia!

  8. #8
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    Quote Originally Posted by Simpleton
    frying up the other 2? Sounds like you already have a good breading mix - dip them in some stale corona & roll them around on the floor a couple of times.
    Retch, eerrrrr Simpleton, I think that recipe sounds fabulous! Iron Chef, step aside, I gots gnomes a cookin'!

    Hey, as far as the simple life thing goes.....good on ya for taking that path. I think you'll find it very enlightening when all the dust settles. I wish you well man!
    though hope is frail, it must prevail - Taj Weekes

    betam eh-wud-eh-HA-lehu y
    eh-nay Ityopia!

  9. #9
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    Quote Originally Posted by namaSSte
    Im glad to hear Im not the only one with the disorder. I swear I can't walk past the bike without at least spinning the crank and God forbid I hear any strange noise (real or perceived) when I do....that's a guaranteed half hour - minimum!

    No Lizard yet though. Word from SC is that rootbeer was being painted middle of this week....WHY THAT"S TODAY!!!!!! Hopefully (fingers and various body parts crossed) I'll have one next week. You been spending lots of time on your lately, weather has to be great out your way this time of the year.
    I only have time for one ride a week, but every time I grab the Chameleon (poor 5 Spot, Bullit). The weather has been unseasonably HOT. It's been in the 100s for several days.
    Have you ever had to use the air conditioning in your car at midnight? I have now.

  10. #10
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    Quote Originally Posted by P-Funk
    I only have time for one ride a week, but every time I grab the Chameleon (poor 5 Spot, Bullit). The weather has been unseasonably HOT. It's been in the 100s for several days.
    Have you ever had to use the air conditioning in your car at midnight? I have now.
    dude, I live in Ohio, what is this "air conditioning" of which you speak?

    Our thermometers only go to 78 here and even there, it's only "just in case"
    though hope is frail, it must prevail - Taj Weekes

    betam eh-wud-eh-HA-lehu y
    eh-nay Ityopia!

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