breaking up sucks. Help! (long)- Mtbr.com
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  1. #1
    34N 118W
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    breaking up sucks. Help! (long)

    Breaking up sucks.

    Looking back, I guess breaking the news to her right before we were set to go for a ride tonight wasn't the brightest thing I've ever done. But it was now or never, right? I felt like I should just be honest and communicate - isn't that what they want??? Jeez.

    She's Italian. Strong, but has a wonderful soft side. She loves to travel and could rebound quickly from any bumps that life threw her way, but I knew I was ready for a change. I'll re-enact it here for you so maybe you'll better understand...




    HW: "I need to talk to you."
    Marzi: "what's up?"
    HW: "sit down for a minute...I uh, think I'm going to ride without you tonight..."
    Marzi: "what are you talking about?"
    HW: "I just need some time to think things over..."
    Marzi: "where is this going, Hollywood?"
    HW: "I don't know, I'm just not happy. I think maybe we should spend some time apart."






    Marzi: "I can't believe this is happening."
    <img src="https://gallery.consumerreview.com/webcrossing/images/chair(6).jpg">



    HW: "listen, we've had some great times! It's me, I just...I just need some space."
    <img src="https://gallery.consumerreview.com/webcrossing/images/communication.jpg">




    Marzi: "Is there someone else?"



    HW: (pause) "N-no. Why would you say that baby? That's crazy talk."
    <img src="https://gallery.consumerreview.com/webcrossing/images/dreams(1).jpg">



    Marzi: "You hesitated!!! You ****ing liar! WHO IS SHE?!!!"
    HW: "THERE'S NO ONE ELSE!"
    Marzi: "BULLSH*T! YOU THINK I'M FAT, DON'T YOU?!"
    HW: "NO! I NEVER SAID THAT!"
    Marzi: "YOU THINK I'M FAT AND HEAVY AND SQUISHY!"
    HW: (pause) "I - I do not, sugar!"
    Marzi: "Don't call me sugar. She's probably some skinny-legged American, prancing around in pink hot pants!"
    HW: (holy crap) "You're INSANE!" (gulp)
    Marzi: "**** YOU!" (stomps off)
    HW: this sucks.



    Later -

    Men are all a$$holes. They can all die as far as I'm concerned. sniff
    <img src="https://gallery.consumerreview.com/webcrossing/images/couch(9).jpg">




    Even later...

    "Damn, you are one sexy thang. Your hard little legs drive me crazy! How old are you again? 18, right?"
    <img src="https://gallery.consumerreview.com/webcrossing/images/bed(6).jpg">



    thanks for listening. I feel much better now.



    to be continued...
    <img src="https://gallery.consumerreview.com/webcrossing/images/rigidblue.jpg">
    Attached Images Attached Images
    Last edited by Hollywood; 05-07-2004 at 11:11 PM. Reason: crying

  2. #2
    Single Speed Junkie
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    Can we still be friends?

    LOL great post...

  3. #3
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    LOL! Classic.

  4. #4
    Not because I'm fast.....
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    Very Funny!

    You almost had me going for a second. Very clever short story you created there with pictures and everything. Very entertaining!

    There is something disturbing about the last picture though....I think it's the fact that you are lying in bed, lighting up a cig and that long steer tube appears to have some sort of lube all over it

  5. #5
    WAWE
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    LMAO!

    Genius!


    See you at SART tomorrow.

  6. #6
    TR
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    Ha ha ha ha
    I knew you couldn't stay away from that hardlegged little minx.
    Really, those Italian women are nothing but trouble Hollywood.
    Your pink hotpants girlfriend might not be able to go down as well as your Italian mistress but she has it all over her for looks.
    Last edited by toowoombarider; 05-08-2004 at 05:10 AM. Reason: Poor grammar

  7. #7
    cut like the fog.
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    focking hilarious

    nice post dude, so funny.

    You've definitely got my Oscar vote....or...is that a Tony?

    cheers,
    b.


  8. #8
    Cracker-magnon
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    Quote Originally Posted by bones
    nice post dude, so funny.

    You've definitely got my Oscar vote....or...is that a Tony?

    cheers,
    b.
    You got it all wrong.....while he is playing with Oscar, Marzi is taking off with Tony.
    "Life is a [email protected]#^ing story problem, get used to it - my son.

  9. #9
    Out spokin'
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    HW for president

    Hey man, I'll take your old girlfriend... IF she's cheap!

    Bro, yer a freakin' genius.

    --Sparty
    disciplesofdirt.org

    We don't quit riding because we get old.
    We get old because we quit riding.

  10. #10
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    applauds. that was quite clever.

  11. #11
    Bikes not Bombs.....
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    Nice.....very nice.....

    Great story book there buddy....

    Hope to meet the girl someday. I see she is still sporting the diamond dog badge.

    JS
    Thanks to all of you for your friendships on this board..... -

  12. #12
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    Never thought I'd like a pink bike, but yours is pretty damn trick. Nice !

  13. #13
    Recovering Weight Weenie
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    H -
    The level to which you climbed in order to be thorough in your post, can only be called.....genius......
    Sorbet and Winston's w/ an Issue of InStyle to mask the pain? Pure genius.

    Nomination..... POST OF THE YEAR!

    Who'll second?

  14. #14
    I am the owl
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    Thumbs up!
    SingleSpeedOutlaw .com
    Riding Bikes and Drinking Beer.

  15. #15
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    Bravo!

    That was one of the best read evar!

    Thanks for the laugh, HW. Oh yeah, you have wayyyyy to much forking time on your hands.

  16. #16
    SS Madness
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    More...encore...

    I give you my vote! Now for the sequel where the Italian boils your kids rabbit!

  17. #17
    Nomad
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    Usually too much free time...

    ... is a bad thing. In this case, something good came out of it!

    Excellent work man! Made me laugh.
    Convince me

  18. #18
    Witty McWitterson
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    Hilarious....I'm just rolling on the floor and my wife is looking at me like I'm having a siezure. I vote for post of the year too!
    Just a regular guy.

  19. #19
    gentle like
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    Post of the Year Indeed.

    Agreed ... man, you look so dedicated in those shots. You became the character (...you). Go find yourself a soap to star on or something ...

  20. #20
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    That my friend...

    ...was ha-freaking-larious! Good work!

  21. #21
    jrm
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    That was great....

    nice fork...

  22. #22
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    Dude you are one funny cat. That was great. Thanks.

  23. #23
    theHeadlessThompsonGunner
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    That's good! But, if representative of anything, it's that you've too much time on your hands!!
    "I've courted brain damage like some courtesan of darkness."


    -The Good Doctor

  24. #24
    "Mr. Britannica"
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    dude

    Never noticed before, but in the "even later"shot you kinda look like Mario Cipollini (I'll let you determine whether that is good or bad). Maybe that's why she was attracted to you in the first place? You are one creative cat.

  25. #25
    Whiskey Tango Foxtrot
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    Good job! brah, you rule.

    have fun with the sierra club today.

  26. #26
    Jed Peters
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    Holy crap that is one of the best posts I've ever read on ANY message board.

  27. #27
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    Good job!

    Loved that story.......Fat and squishy...Loved it.
    Hey , I'll ride your girlfriend. For hours at a time, hell you can watch.

    Thanks for the laugh
    Live to ride...Ride to live....
    The hardtail is not dieing...it's just going underground

  28. #28
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    That makes me CRY

    'cause I was laughing sooo hard. Another vote for post of the year! Such pathos, great dialogue, a true observation of the human condition.

    bike ON

    bob

  29. #29
    lurker spaz
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    Good job! f'ing brilliant

    You are a sick man, you know?

    Too [email protected] funny,
    Dr.F.

  30. #30
    Trail rider and racer
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    This has got to be possibly the best post I have seen on MTBR!

    Too cool, I am bookmarking this one.

    AWESOME
    Trev!

  31. #31
    horizontally compliant
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    ditto here - LMAO

    that's every bit as good as the helmetless rider/pete retort post and finch platte performing surgery on himself.

    hope you have an outlet for this at your day job. who am i kidding, this board is an outlet for our day jobs!

  32. #32
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    lol! That is so funny!

  33. #33
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    more seconds

    My wife and I just laughed our arses off! Brilliant!

  34. #34
    mtbr member
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    Lookout! there's a stalker following you around. .. Those sunglasses don't fool anyone.

  35. #35
    Holy Chromoly!!
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    I had some battles in the past too...


















    guess who won??















    No, I am not retro.... I am way ahead of my time...

    "...though a lot of marijuana was smoked in the early days of mountain bike development, not all of the riders were potsmoking hippies... " Frank J. Berto

    Who's that f#$king Doug Lexington?!

  36. #36
    mtbr member
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    Lol

    Quote Originally Posted by Hollywood
    Although I sense she may be a bit more of a climber than Marzi ever was - gotta watch that.
    Of course! Marzi was made to go down. Give me her number, I might get lucky on the rebound.

  37. #37
    34N 118W
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    Update -

    thanks for all the kind words and support. It's nice knowing I have a place like MTBR to come for healing.


    What a crazy night! Marzi packed up her stuff and split, taking some of my headsets and skewers with her. Beeyatch! I haven't heard from her or seen her since. Who knows if she'll ever end up back in my life again?


    My new love, I'll call her "Bridgette" to protect her identity, is doing great. She's direct, snappy and a fresh change of pace from Marzi. We're having SO much fun together! Although I sense she may be a bit more of a climber than Marzi ever was - gotta watch that.

    (helpful hint to all: anti-sieze burns the privates)




    Here we are today, out for ice cream. Everything's going to be just fine...I can feel it.
    <img src="http://gallery.consumerreview.com/webcrossing/images/psycho(2).jpg">


    The End???
    Attached Images Attached Images

  38. #38
    drev-il, not Dr. Evil!
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    Funny stuff

  39. #39
    34N 118W
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    Closing Credits...

    well that was interesting. Glad I could make y'all smile

    I was out on a solo ride last week and knew I wanted to swap forks, then the whole "jealousy" thing flooded my psycho brain and I ran with it.

    I used the timer to take the shots in the first post. Acting like an idiot with no one around is kinda weird. I had them all shot and cropped within 30 min., no biggie. The update shot was taken by some dude who works at Coldstone. He couldn't figure out WTF was going on

    now I need to go get on my bike and think up some more crazy sh*t.

    see ya,
    HW

    PS - as Simpleton mentioned, the Skeeter / Pete helmet safety debate post from last year was freakin' hilarious.
    http://forums13.consumerreview.com/[email protected]/32
    Last edited by Hollywood; 05-08-2004 at 02:38 PM.

  40. #40
    Bigger than Big
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    Easily post of the year!
    Details, execution, photos - flawless.
    I bow in awe to your genius!

    My favorite:
    "Last edited by Hollywood : 14 Hours Ago at 11:11 PM. Reason: crying"

    Not to get all 'Better Off Dead' on you, but since you're broke up, would you mind if I took out Marzi?
    I have a thing for leggy Italians.
    "Get back to the hills, get back to baby where you belong." - P. Westerberg

  41. #41
    get down!
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    best post ever


    ....until jerome posted those pics
    Rudy Projects look ridiculous

    visit my blog, BEATS, BIKES & LIFE

  42. #42
    mtbr member
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    lol

    this is the funniest post i have ever seen, i love it

  43. #43
    I speak for the trees
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    THAT was forkin' funny!!

    I even showed the forking post to the wife, and even though I had to explain a few forking things, she thought it was forking funny too!! Thanks.

  44. #44
    Psycho Sketchy
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    a little comment from a female

    You have Marzi norking out on what looks like sorbet. Trust me, any woman who's been dumped or has done the dumping is going to go for full fat ice cream. Preferably of the very chocolate variety!

    Other than that hee-larious.


  45. #45
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    phone number

    hey HW. i was thinking, i am up for slopy seconds, can i get marzis' number ?

  46. #46
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    Good job! Post of the Year!!!!!!!!!

    Loved it! Uhh, you don't really smoke do you?

    Quote Originally Posted by Hollywood
    Breaking up sucks.

    Looking back, I guess breaking the news to her right before we were set to go for a ride tonight wasn't the brightest thing I've ever done. But it was now or never, right? I felt like I should just be honest and communicate - isn't that what they want??? Jeez.

    She's Italian. Strong, but has a wonderful soft side. She loves to travel and could rebound quickly from any bumps that life threw her way, but I knew I was ready for a change. I'll re-enact it here for you so maybe you'll better understand...




    HW: "I need to talk to you."
    Marzi: "what's up?"
    HW: "sit down for a minute...I uh, think I'm going to ride without you tonight..."
    Marzi: "what are you talking about?"
    HW: "I just need some time to think things over..."
    Marzi: "where is this going, Hollywood?"
    HW: "I don't know, I'm just not happy. I think maybe we should spend some time apart."






    Marzi: "I can't believe this is happening."




    HW: "listen, we've had some great times! It's me, I just...I just need some space."





    Marzi: "Is there someone else?"



    HW: (pause) "N-no. Why would you say that baby? That's crazy talk."




    Marzi: "You hesitated!!! You ****ing liar! WHO IS SHE?!!!"
    HW: "THERE'S NO ONE ELSE!"
    Marzi: "BULLSH*T! YOU THINK I'M FAT, DON'T YOU?!"
    HW: "NO! I NEVER SAID THAT!"
    Marzi: "YOU THINK I'M FAT AND HEAVY AND SQUISHY!"
    HW: (pause) "I - I do not, sugar!"
    Marzi: "Don't call me sugar. She's probably some skinny-legged American, prancing around in pink hot pants!"
    HW: (holy crap) "You're INSANE!" (gulp)
    Marzi: "**** YOU!" (stomps off)
    HW: this sucks.



    Later -

    Men are all a$$holes. They can all die as far as I'm concerned. sniff





    Even later...

    "Damn, you are one sexy thang. Your hard little legs drive me crazy! How old are you again? 18, right?"




    thanks for listening. I feel much better now.



    to be continued...
    Sit and spin my ass...

  47. #47
    mtbr member
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    So this is the real reason they call you HW

    Damn that was too funny! Glad I wasn't drinking anything fizzy as that sucks when it comes out your nose!! HW, your pink bike rocks! Enjoy "Bridgette"!

    James
    A good friend will come bail you out of jail.
    But a true friend will be sitting next to you saying
    "Damn... we fcuked up!"

  48. #48
    Medium?
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    You're such a dork!`

    That was kuh-lassic!

    I'm stoked to see you went back to basics

  49. #49
    ol'guy who says hi &waves
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    maybe counseling

    or better yet, Jerry Springer. LMAO. Very nice HW. You've got my vote for Post of the Year, also
    .

    I may not have the best of everything, but I have the best everything that matters.

  50. #50
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    lughed so hard

    I pooped a little and got a boner

  51. #51
    Recovering Weight Weenie
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    Just remember..
    You'll enjoy Bridgette for now....she's fast, tight, and flashy....but down the road....when things start getting rocky, unstable...and you need some balance and something to keep you moving along through the rough times....Marzi is going to start looking dang attractive again....

  52. #52
    The Top Cap Guy
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    That my friends is the BEST post of the year so far! ...and it will be VERY Difficult to beat! I'm thinking we need to get an award together for some of the posts here on the SS board and hand them out this fall.... although we know that H-wood is a ringer in the Comedy category!

    That is too good!

    FF
    "If I'm leading, I'm bleeding."

  53. #53
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    Good job! ROFL- Thanks!

    I REALLY needed that this morning. Put my vote in der too!

    S


  54. #54
    no gears, no tears
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    Quote Originally Posted by ernesto_from_Wisconsin
    I pooped a little and got a boner
    rotflmao. Definatly post of the year. You da man holywood.

  55. #55
    pewpewpew Moderator
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    that's funny! Best post indeed.

  56. #56
    used to be uno-speedo....
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    Straight outta Hollywood!

    Great stuff.

  57. #57
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    That was sick...

    [email protected] good, but sick none-the-less.

  58. #58
    ali'i hua
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    so, what does this make the fork that you SOLD to me???

    well, it was new in the box with an uncut steer tube, so it wasnt meant for you to be with foxy, but it was meant for me to be with her? hey, the price to win her over from you wasnt steep at all, and so worth it. she's glad to be with me.

    (you know you saw this coming from me- hey- you going to be at beers n bikes this sunday?)

  59. #59
    Old school BMXer
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    Hollywood,
    Great post!!!

    I may be interested in taking her off your hands. So she has a few miles on her. She's already broken in and doesn't need any training, right?

    She is a Marathon S, right?

    If you are interested in selling her (you pimp!), shoot me a PM.

  60. #60
    USB Rep'n
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    Quote Originally Posted by Simpleton
    that's every bit as good as the helmetless rider/pete retort post and finch platte performing surgery on himself.
    I couldn't agree more and I'll 47th the vote for post o' the year. I know the Chinese have Year of the Rat and all the others but following up the Sea Otter ensemble with this....looks like its shaping up to be be the Year or the Wood (Hollywood that is unless Im referring to the "even later" pic in the set )

    Brilliant! (in Guiness commercial voice!)
    though hope is frail, it must prevail - Taj Weekes

    betam eh-wud-eh-HA-lehu y
    eh-nay Ityopia!

  61. #61
    JAK
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    Dang dude...

    Thanks for gut buster from HELL!! Now I gotta clean my lunch up outa the keyboard...


    You are one funny mutha!
    Night has fallen.
    And there's nothin' we can do about it.

  62. #62
    Steamroller
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    You've raised the bar!

    Good luck to anyone who thinks they can top that post,........... but please try. Laughing is the next best thing to a good ride for stress relief.
    Two Wheeled and Too Big

  63. #63
    34N 118W
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    good god y'all, let it die!

    holy crap my weirdo little post has taken on a life of it's own! let it go! I appreciate all the raves - but now I gotta top myself for the next installment. And no, I'm not pimpin' Marzi out to anyone

    HW

  64. #64
    R.I.P. DogFriend
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    Now that's funny, I don't care who you are....

    I see several candidates for the photo caption contest in there as well.

    I will readily admit to being jealous of your creativity and spontaneity. Great job.

  65. #65
    err, 27.5+
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    Holy [email protected], that has to be the funniest spoof thread I have read here. Glad DC linked to it or I may have missed it. Hollywood, you got too much spare time bro

  66. #66
    Cold. Blue. Steel.
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    creative genius!

    BEST FORKIN' POST OF THE YEAR!

    forking funny stuff there, HW. you really do inspire. i just hope the rigid fork doesn't rattle your creative brain stem too much!
    Spinning and Grinning...

  67. #67
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    Hahaha!!

    Sheer genius!!!

  68. #68
    ˇManos arriba!
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    Quote Originally Posted by Sparticus
    Hey man, I'll take your old girlfriend... IF she's cheap!
    Give me her number.... I need a cheap slüt on the rebound to bounce around for a few miles.

  69. #69
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    Man Hollywood...you have WAY too much time on your hands! Thanks for the laugh.

    Craig
    I dig steel-framed bikes of all shapes and sizes.

  70. #70
    ----woof----
    Reputation: 1FG rider's Avatar
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    Good job!

    Hollywood, you did it again! That was effin funny.

  71. #71
    Keep The Rubber Side Down
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    Bravo!!!

    I'm looking forward to part two!
    Some of my happiest memories in life took place on my bicycles. - Me

  72. #72
    34N 118W
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    jeez, this thing won't die! (nm)

  73. #73
    but Diggin the 1 x 14 too
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    ...this may be all my fault....??????

    rut ro ....now i've done it, i never should have talked you into riding rigid again (brigid) last weekend... now look at what has happened! ...i am so sorry dude....... L A
    Attached Images Attached Images

  74. #74
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    Man, this has to be one of the best posts ever!

  75. #75
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    First Time I saw this Post!

    I've been on these boards for a while and I have never seen your post HW. That was fargin crazt funny! I would vote for that as post of the year on MTB. Heck, my wife found it freakin hilarious.

  76. #76
    Recovering Weight Weenie
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    This thread has had quite the rebirth, eh?

  77. #77
    Motion activated
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    Very funny thread. But HW do you mind if I ask you a personal question? Did you ever bottom Marzi?

  78. #78
    mtbr "member"
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    Don't mean to get sidetracked.....

    [QUOTE=Hollywood]

    I used the timer to take the shots in the first post. Acting like an idiot with no one around is kinda weird. I had them all shot and cropped within 30 min., no biggie. The update shot was taken by some dude who works at Coldstone. He couldn't figure out WTF was going on
    QUOTE]


    ... but, Mmmmmm Coldstone...... Sweet gravity enhancing Coldstone.....

    REEK

  79. #79
    those are Rollercams...
    Reputation: WTB-rider's Avatar
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    I think there's something very wrong with you.

    I think we could be friends.

    Another vote for post of the year!!!

  80. #80
    inner peace to make peace
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    wow

    wow man
    that was awesome
    “Everyday is a good day,” from the Blue Cliff Records, Yun-men (864-949 AD).

  81. #81
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    Brilliant . . .

    . . . absolutly brilliant!

  82. #82
    DAS
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    Hilarious!

    So Funny!

  83. #83
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    Good job! 2 thumbs up

    that was 1 good scenario, dont see this good quality comedy often these days

  84. #84
    Likes to Floss
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    Nice one!
    "Jen, you are too funny. Even though it's kind of like a bad acid
    trip, I like hanging out with you because you're so random."
    -Vegas, March 30, 2005

  85. #85
    mtbr member
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    Is this yet another rebirth of "the thread'????!
    Always preach the Gospel; even if you need to use words.

  86. #86
    "Mr. Britannica"
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    Quote Originally Posted by Andy aka Rut
    Is this yet another rebirth of "the thread'????!
    How does somebody find a 1 year old post???
    'H'wood, you been moonlighting on "House"?

  87. #87
    Likes to Floss
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    Quote Originally Posted by roadiegonebad
    How does somebody find a 1 year old post???
    'H'wood, you been moonlighting on "House"?
    opps - nah, it was one of those, "click this link for threads like this one"

    blk
    "Jen, you are too funny. Even though it's kind of like a bad acid
    trip, I like hanging out with you because you're so random."
    -Vegas, March 30, 2005

  88. #88
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    bump from the past.... Kinda bummed that the pictures are no longer linked, but I was watching Mickey Spillane's Mike Hammer, and somehow got reminded of this thread from yesteryear...

    Nice.

  89. #89
    Beware the Blackbuck!
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    Wow I'm really upset I missed out, it sounds like the thread of a lifetime. Where'd the pictures go?

  90. #90
    Drinking the Slick_Juice
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    cool story bro
    "If women don't find handsome , they should at least find you handy."-Red Green

  91. #91
    Penis Goat!
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    Hey DB,

    Restore your pictures.

    Thanks.

  92. #92
    34N 118W
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    Quote Originally Posted by GirchyGirchy View Post
    Hey DB,

    Restore your pictures.

    Thanks.
    hey wanker- I gotta dig em up off some 10 y/o hard drive since MTBR stopped hosting them. Super!!

    BRB,
    HW

  93. #93
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    rofl- great post... I myself went through a similar thing... I still have not bought replacement seals for my Z1.
    Friends don't let friends ride geared bikes

  94. #94
    6x7=Dont Panic!
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    Man, has it really been 7 years since this thread started? Time flies...
    Herro prease

  95. #95
    pewpewpew Moderator
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    holy thread resurrection. back when HW rode dirt still :P
    Love, Impy

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