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  1. #1
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    50+ Joke Thread

    Driving with my wife when a blonde 20-something in a Porsche 911 passes us. My wife looks at me and says "I know what you're thinking." "No you don't." I reply. "Yes I do, you're thinking about having sex with that blonde in the Porsche, aren't you?" She tells me. "Well that's not what I was thinking, but now I'm thinking the 911 is too damn small for sex." My arm still hurts.
    Last edited by 755872; 09-24-2015 at 04:16 PM.

  2. #2
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    I don't get it.

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    Quote Originally Posted by Forster View Post
    Driving with my wife when a blonde 20-something in a Porsche 911 passes us. My wife looks at me and says "I know what you're thinking." "No you don't." I reply. "Yes I do, you're thinking about having sex with that blonde in the Porsche, aren't you?" She tells me. "Nope, you're dead wrong." I reply, "I'm wondering why they have to make the 911 so damn small." My arm still hurts.
    I dont get it, either.

    I like the idea of this thread, though, so here ya go:

    An 82 year-old man goes to the doctor to get a physical. A few days later, the doctor sees him walking down the street with a gorgeous young woman on his arm. A couple of days later, the doctor sees him again and says, 'You're really doing great, aren't you?' Morris replies, " 'Just doing what you said, Doc: 'Get a hot mamma and be cheerful.’ '' The doctor says, 'I didn't say that. I said you've got a heart murmur -- be careful.'

    Reporters interviewing a 104-year-old woman asked her, "What do you think is the best thing about being 104?"
    She replied, "No peer pressure."


    I sure have gotten old! I've had two bypass surgeries, a hip replacement, new knees, fought prostate cancer and diabetes. I'm half blind, I can't hear anything quieter than a jet engine, I take 40 different medications that make me dizzy, winded, and I’m subject to blackouts. I have bouts with dementia, have poor circulation and can barely feel my hands and feet anymore. I can't remember if I'm 85 or 92 and have lost all my friends... Thank God I still have my driver's license!
    Veni vidi velo!

  4. #4
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    Quote Originally Posted by Phillbo View Post
    I don't get it.
    Implication is that the Porsche is too small to have sex in.

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    Quote Originally Posted by veloborealis View Post
    I dont get it, either.

    I like the idea of this thread, though, so here ya go:

    An 82 year-old man goes to the doctor to get a physical. A few days later, the doctor sees him walking down the street with a gorgeous young woman on his arm. A couple of days later, the doctor sees him again and says, 'You're really doing great, aren't you?' Morris replies, " 'Just doing what you said, Doc: 'Get a hot mamma and be cheerful.’ '' The doctor says, 'I didn't say that. I said you've got a heart murmur -- be careful.'

    Reporters interviewing a 104-year-old woman asked her, "What do you think is the best thing about being 104?"
    She replied, "No peer pressure."


    I sure have gotten old! I've had two bypass surgeries, a hip replacement, new knees, fought prostate cancer and diabetes. I'm half blind, I can't hear anything quieter than a jet engine, I take 40 different medications that make me dizzy, winded, and I’m subject to blackouts. I have bouts with dementia, have poor circulation and can barely feel my hands and feet anymore. I can't remember if I'm 85 or 92 and have lost all my friends... Thank God I still have my driver's license!
    Those were good, especially the first one.

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    I finally received my new bike the other day. Wife was so sweet, and accommodating .......yet she refused to sleep in the garage for just that night.

  7. #7
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    Quote Originally Posted by Forster View Post
    Implication is that the Porsche is too small to have sex in.
    As I suspected, but the part about your arm still hurting threw me off. Thought it was the punchline. If this really happened and your wife really did punch you, I guess it was. Ha!
    Veni vidi velo!

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    Quote Originally Posted by Forster View Post
    Implication is that the Porsche is too small to have sex in.
    I can vouch personally that it's not.

    Nor is a Pontiac Fiero or a 240Z or a Corvette, need I go on?
    Quote Originally Posted by mileslong View Post
    I passionately remove rocks and corners and other stuff I find too hard to ride.

  9. #9
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    Quote Originally Posted by DIRTJUNKIE View Post
    I can vouch personally that it's not.

    Nor is a Pontiac Fiero or a 240Z or a Corvette, need I go on?
    I may be taller or less flexible than you.

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    Quote Originally Posted by Forster View Post
    I may be taller or less flexible than you.
    LOL
    I'm 6' and as flexible as a DH fork.
    Quote Originally Posted by mileslong View Post
    I passionately remove rocks and corners and other stuff I find too hard to ride.

  11. #11
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    Quote Originally Posted by Forster View Post
    Implication is that the Porsche is too small to have sex in.
    Road Head is possible in any car.

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    You know why they call it the "Golden Years" ?

    Because the Doctors get all the gold.
    Communist Party Member Since 1917.

  13. #13
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    Okay - here's one:

    An old man was getting a checkup because he was having trouble hearing in one ear. The doctor checked him over and said "Here's the problem - you have a suppository in your ear" - and the old man smiled and said "Well that explains what happened to my hearing aid".......

  14. #14
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    The secret to longevity...

    I recently picked a new primary care physician. After two visits and exhaustive lab tests, he said I was doing "fairly well" for my age.
    A little concerned about that comment, I couldn't resist asking him," Do you think I'll live to be 80?"

    He asked, "Do you smoke tobacco or drink beer or wine?" "Oh no," I replied. "I'm not doing drugs, either." Then he asked, "Do you eat rib-eye steaks and barbecued ribs?" I said, "No, my other Doctor said that all red meat is very unhealthy."

    "Do you spend a lot of time in the sun, like playing golf, sailing, hiking, or bicycling?" "No, I don't," I said.

    He asked, "Do you gamble, drive fast cars, or have a lot of sex?" "No," I said. "I don't do any of those things."

    He looked at me and said, "Then why do you want to live to 80."
    Veni vidi velo!

  15. #15
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    Pick-up line overheard at single senior's night:

    "Do I come here often?"
    Veni vidi velo!

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    Joe was showing off his new hearing aid. He said, "Ralph, you can't beat this one. $5,000.00 - top of the line, every feature imaginable, hell it runs on solar power. Ralph asks, "What kind is it?" "1:30."

  17. #17
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    Not strictly a joke, but a pun from unlikely sources. My father-in-law has pretty acute non-Alzheimer's dementia. In addition to having taken his short term memory and a good deal of his long term memory (he remembers the War in Korea but not being married for 40 years) it has lowered his inhibitions. Not strictly a bad thing in his case because what's left is a light-hearted and charming old guy who asks about dancing girls about 20 times a day which is better than the pissed-off, swearing old guy in the next room.

    Anyway, he gets into loops of puns. This week it's all about giving blood draws. When the first nurse came in and couldn't hit the vein she told him she would need help with the draw and he retorted "it's all in vein", the next nurse walked in and (because he doesn't remember the joke he just told but he looping on a concept) he says, "do you use the extra blood, because I'd hate to think this was all in vein." The second nurse had difficulties, but drew the sample and he says "I've never been very vein." Not the funniest puns, but coming from an 85-year-old who can't tell you if he ate dinner 5 minutes after leaving the table, I'll take it.

  18. #18
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    "I used to worry about getting senile but now I don't remember why."

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    Time for a bump


    * * * *An elderly man driving erratically was stopped by the police around 2 a.m. and was asked where he was going at that time of night.
    * * * *The man replied, "I'm on my way to a lecture about alcohol abuse and the effects it has on the human body, as well as smoking and staying out late."
    * * * *The officer then asked, "Really? Who's giving that lecture at this time of night?"
    * * * *The man replied, "That would be my wife."
    Veni vidi velo!

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    BUMP... What? Am I the only one with love for this thread?


    "I'm confused," the little boy admitted to his elderly teacher. "I went to church last Sunday and they kept telling me to stand up for Jesus! But then I went to the ballgame, and everyone kept yelling, 'For Christ's sake, sit down!'"


    With 50 being the new 30 and all, this probably doesn't describe the older riders who tune into this thread. Kind of funny, though:
    Grandma and Grandpa were sitting in their porch rockers while watching the beautiful sunset and reminiscing about "the good old days". Grandma turned to Grandpa and said, "Honey, do you remember when we first started dating? You used to just casually reach over and take my hand?"

    Grandpa looked over at her, smiled and obligingly took her aged hand in his.

    Growing bolder still, Grandma said, "Honey, do you remember when we were first married? You'd kind of nibble on my ear?" Grandpa slowly got up from his rocker and headed into the house. Alarmed, Grandma said, "Honey, where are you going?"

    Grandpa replied, "To get my teeth!"
    Veni vidi velo!

  21. #21
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    An old man walks into the bar and asks the bartender for a drink that will make him better looking to younger women. The bartender says "Alcohol only makes men think women are sexier. It's different with women." So the old man asks "What can I do to make me sexier to women?". To which the bartender replies, "Well, to start with, you need more money in your billfold."

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    I went in to a Mexican restaurant for lunch the other day. Sat down and eyeballed the menu. The waitress came over to take my order. I said I'll take the beef tamale plate. She wrote the order down and walked away. After a patient 20 minute wait, no food. I waved her over and asked how much longer for my food. She responded with: they were low on certain ingredients and that I would have to come back tamale.
    Quote Originally Posted by mileslong View Post
    I passionately remove rocks and corners and other stuff I find too hard to ride.

  23. #23
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    You know you're over 50 when...

    Your idea of getting lucky, is finding your car in a parking lot on the first try.
    Communist Party Member Since 1917.

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    ^^^^^
    I can relate!! 😀

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    I like what Larry the Cable Guy said a while back (he was visiting my work place). I'm paraphrasing and not nearly as funny. "Aniversary Gifts should have some romantic weighting based on recent romantic performance. 'Let's see dear, we've been married 10 years and I don't remember our last romantic night so you can have anything on the bottom two shelves, a new push mower or this gift card to Cracker Barrel.'"

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    The octogenerian returned from his honeymoon with his 80 year old bride. His friends all asked "Did you have sex?" He said "Sure, almost all week. Almost on Monday, almost on Tuesday...".

    An elderly couple were sitting on the front porch reminiscing, when he said "Ma, next week we will have been married sixty years." She said "Yep!", then hit him with a rolled up newspaper. He asked "What was that fer?" She answered "That is for 60 years of being lousy in bed." He pondered for a moment and hit her back with the same newspaper. He then told her "That is for knowing the difference!"
    Do not take anything I post seriously. I don't.

  27. #27
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    Old man is in Target buying a woman's bikini when the salesperson asks who he shopping for. "Myself" the old man replies. The salesperson surprised asks "Why are you buying yourself a woman's bikini?" "Because" says the old man "I'm tired of not knowing why people laugh at me at the pool."

  28. #28
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    You know you are over 50 when... You’re told to slow down by your doctor and not the police.
    Communist Party Member Since 1917.

  29. #29
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    Two unrelated jokes:

    Trump and Clinton walk into a bar. Apparently neither party has raised the bar high enough.

    A man walks into a Priest's office and asks the Priest about how he detects Poltergeists. Then (being clever) he tries to stump the Priest by asking how the Priest would detect a Poltergeist in a building full of politicians to which the Priest replies "I am aware of no such distinction."

  30. #30
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    89 year old kills it at comedy

    F*ck Cancer

    Eat your veggies

  31. #31
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    You Know You're Over 50 When...
    Your secrets are safe with your friends because they can't remember them either.
    Communist Party Member Since 1917.

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    Reminds me of talking to my wife.

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    80 year old man reaches across the bed and gently caresses his wife's face and shoulder. Intrigued, she turns to face him as his hand continues down her side and on to her hip. Thinking this may be the night she'd dreamed of for years she was suddenly disappointed as he withdrew his hand. "Why did you stop caressing me?" she asked to which he answered "I found the remote."

  34. #34
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    Quote Originally Posted by Forster View Post
    80 year old man reaches across the bed and gently caresses his wife's face and shoulder. Intrigued, she turns to face him as his hand continues down her side and on to her hip. Thinking this may be the night she'd dreamed of for years she was suddenly disappointed as he withdrew his hand. "Why did you stop caressing me?" she asked to which he answered "I found the remote."
    Quote Originally Posted by mileslong View Post
    I passionately remove rocks and corners and other stuff I find too hard to ride.

  35. #35
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    Quote Originally Posted by cyclelicious View Post
    89 year old kills it at comedy

    Very funny, thanks for sharing that.
    Quote Originally Posted by mileslong View Post
    I passionately remove rocks and corners and other stuff I find too hard to ride.

  36. #36
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    You know you are over 50, when you have sex on the first date because there might not be a second...
    Communist Party Member Since 1917.

  37. #37
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    You know you're over 50 when the Cialis commercial quits annoying you because it's a good reminder to refill you Cialis prescription.

  38. #38
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    F*ck Cancer

    Eat your veggies

  39. #39
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    Quote Originally Posted by cyclelicious View Post
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    Pretty funny. I was riding on the Tour de Nebraska several years ago and we stopped in a small town for a Pie break. A man who was completing the tour with his 11-year-old daughter seated across from me began choking on his Pie (didn't know that was even possible). I was going around the table to help him when another cyclist lifted him and cleared his obstruction (which landed back on his plate). The mood was really stressful because of the apparent near tragedy when the cyclist who performed the Heimlich said "are you going to eat that." Which caused everyone to burst out laughing in relief. Later he told me he had intended to throw it away but wanted to make sure it was okay, not trying to insinuate that he wanted it. I count it as a double win (save a life, make people laugh).

  40. #40
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    So we had my father-in-law over for Thanksgiving. My wife and son picked him up and when he got to the door I said "Hey look what the cat dragged in." With out pause he says, "Your guess is as good as mine, they followed me in and I couldn't shake them.". He remains funnier with dementia than he was without, even if he doesn't remember telling the joke.

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    Doctor's orders

    An 85-year-old man was requested by his Doctor for a sperm count as part of his physical Exam. The doctor gave the man a jar and said, "Take this jar home and bring back a semen sample tomorrow."*

    The next day the 85-year-old man reappeared at the doctor's office and gave him the jar, which was as clean and empty as on the previous day.*

    The doctor asked what happened and the man explained, 'Well, doc, it's like this -- first*I tried with my right hand, but nothing. Then I tried with my left hand, but still nothing. 'Then I asked my wife for help. She tried with her right hand, then with her left, still nothing. She tried with her mouth, first with the teeth in, then with her teeth out, still nothing.*

    'We even called up Arleen, the lady next door and she tried too, first with both hands, then an Armpit, and she even tried squeezin' it between Her knees, but still nothing.'*

    The doctor was shocked! 'You asked your neighbor?'*

    The old man replied, 'Yep, none of us could get the jar open.'
    Veni vidi velo!

  42. #42
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    I'm 55. I remember when water was clean and sex was dirty!

  43. #43
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    I remember...

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    F*ck Cancer

    Eat your veggies

  44. #44
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    Today is my 64th birthday.

    I woke up this morning feeling like a 30 year old.

    Then I remembered how much they cost.
    Hold my beer and watch this!

  45. #45
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    I just got an add in the mail for male growth hormone that promises better sex at 60. I though: "awesome, I live just down the hall in Apartment 47."

  46. #46
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    F*ck Cancer

    Eat your veggies

  47. #47
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    More humor from my dementia afflicted father-in-law:

    Doctor: "What are we seeing your for today Bill?" Bill: "Everything my insurance will pay for."

    Nurse: "Bill, I'm going to take your blood pressure now." Bill: "Okay, just make sure you put it back, I'm not done using it yet."

    My wife: "Dad, what would you like Santa to bring you this year." Bill: "Let's make sure I live that long before you make any big plans." (5 seconds later) "I did explain that Santa's not real didn't I?" (5 seconds later) "I need to get my car serviced before winter sets in." My wife: "Dad you don't have a car anymore." Bill: "Okay, better scratch that off the list."

  48. #48
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    An elderly man in Oklahoma calls his son in New York and says,

    "I hate to ruin your day son, but I have to tell you that your mother and I are getting a divorce; 45 years of marriage... and that much misery is enough!"

    "Dad, what are you talking about?" the son yells.


    "We can't stand the sight of each other any longer," the old dad explained. "We're sick of each other, and I'm sick of talking about this, so you call your sister in Hong Kong and tell her!".

    Frantic, the son calls his sister, who explodes on the phone.

    "Like heck they're getting divorced," she shouts, "I'll take care of this."

    She calls her elderly father immediately, and screams at him, "You are not getting divorced. Don't do a single thing until I get there. I'm calling my brother back, and we'll both be there tomorrow. Until then, don't do a thing, you hear me?" she yelled as she hung up the phone.

    The old man hangs up his phone and turns to his wife. "Okay", he says, "it's all set. They're both coming for Christmas and paying their own air-fare."

  49. #49
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    An old guy in an old folks home walks up to an old woman there and says, "Hey, it's my birthday today!"
    The old woman says, "Let me guess how old you are."
    She then puts her hand down his pants and feels around for several minutes and says, "You're 82."
    The old man says, "Wow, how could you tell that?"
    She says, "Bob told me this morning."

  50. #50
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    Quote Originally Posted by Forster View Post
    More humor from my dementia afflicted father-in-law:

    Doctor: "What are we seeing your for today Bill?" Bill: "Everything my insurance will pay for."

    Nurse: "Bill, I'm going to take your blood pressure now." Bill: "Okay, just make sure you put it back, I'm not done using it yet."

    My wife: "Dad, what would you like Santa to bring you this year." Bill: "Let's make sure I live that long before you make any big plans." (5 seconds later) "I did explain that Santa's not real didn't I?" (5 seconds later) "I need to get my car serviced before winter sets in." My wife: "Dad you don't have a car anymore." Bill: "Okay, better scratch that off the list."
    My Mom has dementia, this is a good way to deal with this awful illness. The day of the SB terror attack, she came out and told me about it, and I didn't believe her until way later in the day when I was able to see the news. I do have to say she is funnier than ever, and luckily hasn't reached the aggressive stage. I try to keep things ultra light, because not only does she have dementia but also has a colostomy, so as I'm going through that process I always make it as funny as that can possibly be.

    Best of luck to you guys Forster.
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  51. #51
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    Quote Originally Posted by jcd46 View Post
    My Mom has dementia, this is a good way to deal with this awful illness. The day of the SB terror attack, she came out and told me about it, and I didn't believe her until way later in the day when I was able to see the news. I do have to say she is funnier than ever, and luckily hasn't reached the aggressive stage. I try to keep things ultra light, because not only does she have dementia but also has a colostomy, so as I'm going through that process I always make it as funny as that can possibly be.

    Best of luck to you guys Forster.
    We're extremely fortunate. One of our good friend's step-father became agressive and angry and his wife ended up divorcing him (there were children on both sides from previous lives, his sons decided to side with him even though he wasn't making any sense). He would strike her then call the police and report her for abusing him (pretty hard to believe given her tiny size and being 87). When she tried to have him moved to assisted living in a memory unit the son's stepped in and forced her to move out. She divorced him and moved in with one of her daughters. Her son's still contend that she ran off with his money (because that's what he claims). It's a really tough illness to deal with, but like I said, we're among the lucky for sure.

  52. #52
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    Unreal story, but I'm glad you guys are on the lucky side. OK sorry back to funny stuff
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  53. #53
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    A professor stood before his philosophy class and had some items in front of him. When the class began, he wordlessly picked up a very large and empty mayonnaise jar and proceeded to fill it with golf balls. He then asked the students if the jar was full. They agreed that it was.

    The professor then picked up a box of pebbles and poured them into the jar. He shook the jar lightly. The pebbles roll
    ed into the open areas between the golf balls. He then asked the students again if the jar was full. They agreed it was.
    The professor next picked up a box of sand and poured it into the jar. Of course, the sand filled up everything else. He asked once more if the jar was full.. The students responded with a unanimous ‘yes.’

    The professor then produced two Beers from under the table and poured the entire contents into the jar effectively filling the empty space between the sand.The students laughed...

    "Now," said the professor as the laughter subsided, "I want you to recognize that this jar represents your life. The golf balls are the important thing...your family, your children, your health, your friends and your favorite passions; and if everything else was lost and only they remained, your life would still be full. The pebbles are the other things that matter like your job, your house and your car... The sand is everything else—-the small stuff".

    "If you put the sand into the jar first,’ he continued, ‘there is no room for the pebbles or the golf balls. The same goes for life.
    If you spend all your time and energy on the small stuff you will never have room for the things that are important to you.
    Pay attention to the things that are critical to your happiness...
    Spend time with your children. Spend time with your parents. Visit with grandparents. Take your spouse out to dinner. Ride your bike. There will always be time to clean the house and mow the lawn.
    Take care of the golf balls first—-the things that really matter. Set your priorities. The rest is just sand"

    One of the students raised her hand and inquired what the Beer represented. The professor smiled and said, "I’m glad you asked. The Beer just shows you that no matter how full your life may seem, there’s always room for a couple of Beers with a friend".
    F*ck Cancer

    Eat your veggies

  54. #54
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    Quote Originally Posted by cyclelicious View Post
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    And every one of those words will be used to convict you.

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    Quote Originally Posted by cyclelicious View Post
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    Married 25 years on the 31st and dated 8 years before that and I still hear about stuff that I did wrong when we dated. Ugh.

  57. #57
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    I went into our local gun shop to buy some shotgun shells yesterday. The clerk said "Strip down and face left." Knowing that Obama is tightening up gun control rules I complied with her instructions. After a few tense moments and some yelling, I'm now fully aware that they have a new credit card machine and that I can no longer go within 300' of the store's front door.

  58. #58
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  59. #59
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    An 80 year old couple goes to the doctor and tell him they wanna have kids. The doctor says it's not possible at their advanced age. They disagree saying they have read about it & they want to try. So the doctor gives them a jar & says to go home and fill it. They bring the jar back at their next appointment and it is empty. The man says "Doc, I tried my left hand. I tried my right hand. Heck the wife even tried her mouth. But we can't get the lid off"!
    F*ck Cancer

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  60. #60
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    One Sunday morning, everyone in a bright, beautiful, tiny town got up early and went to the local church. Before the services started, the townspeople were sitting in their pews and talking about their lives, their families, etc.

    Suddenly, Satan appeared at the front of the church. Everyone started screaming and running for the front entrance, trampling each other in a frantic effort to get away from evil incarnate.

    Soon everyone was evacuated from the church, except for one elderly gentleman who sat calmly in his pew, not moving, seemingly oblivious to the fact that God's ultimate enemy was in his presence. Now this confused Satan a bit, so he walked up to the man and said, "Don't you know who I am?"

    The man replied, "Yep, sure do."

    Satan asked, "Aren't you afraid of me?"

    "Nope, sure ain't," said the man.

    Satan was a little perturbed at this and queried, "Why aren't you afraid of me?"

    The man calmly replied, "Been married to your sister for over 48 years."
    F*ck Cancer

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  61. #61
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    ^^That joke is funnier the longer you've been married.^^ No complaints here, just celebrated our 25th yesterday.

    Related story: My dad was at one point a lay minister in our church. As he got older his attendance became more sporadic. The minister noting that one Sunday, suggested that his presence was important to the members of the church. My dad replied that the most important presence in our church was Jesus and that he too only attended in spirit. We were pretty small and my brother thought it was a joke so he started laughing. I never really felt comfortable in conversation with that minister again.

  62. #62
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    50+ Joke Thread-12661869_10153897569449882_6346928448017419822_n.jpg

    Disclaimer: This is not me. I just got new grips and I'm tickled pink
    F*ck Cancer

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  63. #63
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    Quote Originally Posted by cyclelicious View Post
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    Disclaimer: This is not me. I just got new grips and I'm tickled pink
    Oh common now. Girls are born pink.
    Communist Party Member Since 1917.

  64. #64
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    Quote Originally Posted by Zomby Woof (MCM700) View Post
    Those were good, especially the last one.
    Fixt.
    "What America needs now is a drink."

    FDR

  65. #65
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    Thanks for this one Chuck

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  66. #66
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    The first is mostly true, the second (for me) is wishing my wife hadn't made plans and my back always hurts so there's not much to wonder about. I like it.

  67. #67
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    I was at the ATM the other day paying bills when this old lady walks up and asks me to help her check her balance, so I pushed her.
    F*ck Cancer

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  68. #68
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    Quote Originally Posted by cyclelicious View Post
    i was at the atm the other day paying bills when this old lady walks up and asks me to help her check her balance, so i pushed her.
    lol.
    Communist Party Member Since 1917.

  69. #69
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    F*ck Cancer

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  70. #70
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    ^^^^^^ True!


    I think the Colonoscopy thread and this one should be merged.
    "And crawling on the planet's face, some insects called, The Human Race..."

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    Why did I cross the road????

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    We were watching "Fury" last night and my wife asks my son "Doesn't your dad look a little like Brad Pitt in this movie?" (For the record, I've no idea what she's talking about) My son responded "Maybe like a really old Brad Pitt who had a tough childhood." So I point out that I'm only a year older than Brad and my son says "That must have been a really bad year or a really tough childhood dad."

  73. #73
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    An old geezer became very bored in retirement and decided to open a medical clinic.
    He put a sign up outside that said: "Dr. Geezer's clinic. Get your treatment for $500, if
    not cured, get back $1,000."
    Doctor "Young," who was positive that this old geezer didn't know beans about medicine,
    thought this would be a great opportunity to get $1,000. So he went to Dr. Geezer's clinic.

    Dr. Young: "Dr. Geezer, I have lost all taste in my mouth. Can you please help me ??"
    Dr. Geezer: "Nurse, please bring medicine from box 22 and put 3 drops in Dr. Young's mouth."
    Dr. Young: Aaagh !! -- "This is Gasoline!"
    Dr. Geezer: "Congratulations!
    You've got your taste back. That will be $500.

    Dr. Young gets annoyed and goes back after a couple of days figuring to recover his money.

    Dr. Young: "I have lost my memory, I cannot remember anything."
    Dr. Geezer: "Nurse, please bring medicine from box 22 and put 3 drops in the patient's mouth."
    Dr. Young: "Oh, no you don't, -- that is Gasoline!"
    Dr. Geezer: "Congratulations! You've got your memory back . That will be $500."

    Dr. Young (after having lost $1000) leaves angrily and comes back after several more days.

    Dr. Young: "My eyesight has become weak --- I can hardly see anything!!!!"
    Dr. Geezer: "Well, I don't have any medicine for that so,
    " Here's your $1000 back." (giving him a $10 bill)
    Dr. Young: "But this is only $10!"
    Dr. Geezer: "Congratulations! You got your vision back! That will be $500."

    Moral of story -- Just because you're "Young" doesn't mean that you can outsmart
    an "old Geezer"
    "And crawling on the planet's face, some insects called, The Human Race..."

  74. #74
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    Quote Originally Posted by Forster View Post
    Married 25 years on the 31st and dated 8 years before that and I still hear about stuff that I did wrong when we dated. Ugh.
    My wife has a selective memory, she only selects the things she wants to remember. Fortunatley I never make a mistake, I know this because cuz she rarely mentions them later

  75. #75
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    Quote Originally Posted by DIRTJUNKIE View Post
    I can vouch personally that it's not.

    Nor is a Pontiac Fiero or a 240Z or a Corvette, need I go on?
    Sex in a car, dude, that's why we all got real jobs, so we got the money to get a room!

  76. #76
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    Q. What do you call a blond who dies her hair black? A. Artificial intelligence

  77. #77
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    Would you trust this weatherman?

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    F*ck Cancer

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  78. #78
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    Quote Originally Posted by cyclelicious View Post
    Would you trust this weatherman?
    Pirates day?

  79. #79
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  80. #80
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    F*ck Cancer

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  81. #81
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    Liked this from FB today
    Attached Images Attached Images  
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    Quote Originally Posted by cyclelicious View Post
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    People underestimate the power of stubbornness. They think we all got stubborn because we got old. In fact, we got old because we were too stubborn to die younger.

  83. #83
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    F*ck Cancer

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    The old country rube took his family on the first trip to the big city. Never seen any building taller than 2 stories before. The old man and his son were standing in front of two big shiny metal doors that slid sideways open and closed, and exposed a little room right behind them. Above the doors were numbers that lit up 1-2-3-4-5 etc, then counted back down 5-4-3-2-1. The doors reopened and some people came out of the little room. This fascinated the man and his son. After a while an elderly unattractive woman stood in front of the doors, pushed a button. The doors slid opened and she entered the little room, and the doors closed behind her. The numbers light up 1-2-3-4-5, paused a few minutes, and then numbers went 5-4-3-2-1. The doors reopened and an attractive young woman walked out.
    Then the man turned to his son and said "Boy, go get your mother."
    Do not take anything I post seriously. I don't.

  85. #85
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    An old man is sitting reading in bed while his wife is getting undressed. She pauses to look in the mirror and says 'Look at me? My hair is grey, I'm fat, my skin is wrinkly, my boobs are saggy and my teeth are rotten. For goodness sake, will you say something nice about me?' and her husband replies 'Well your eyesight is perfect'.

  86. #86
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    Three guys were sitting in a biker bar.

    A man came in, already drunk, sat down at the bar and ordered a drink. The man looked around and saw the 3 men sitting at a corner table. He got up, staggered to the table, leaned over, looked the biggest one in the face and said, "I went by your grandma's house and I saw her in the hallway, buck naked. Man, she is fine!"

    The biker looked at him and didn't say a word. His buddies were confused,because he was a bad ass, and would fight at he drop of a hat. The drunk leaned on the table again and said, "I got it on with your grandma and she is good, the best I ever had!"

    The biker still said nothing. His buddies were starting to get mad. The drunk leaned on the table again and said, "I'll tell you something else boy, your grandma liked it!"

    The biker stood up, took the drunk by the shoulder and said, "Damn it, Grandpa, you're drunk! Go home!"
    F*ck Cancer

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    F*ck Cancer

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  88. #88
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    Old Mr Davidson is feeling lonely and a bit horny since his wife died, so he decides to give one of these prostitute women a try. Asking around in the seedy side of town, he soon finds himself in the lobby of a run-down brothel.

    He explains to the Madam at the desk why he's there and she gives him a run-down of the girl's rates. In shock Mr Davidson says "Oh no, I can't afford that" and the madam ask him how much he can afford. Sniffing at his miserly reply she tells him that he might be in luck as they let an old retired prostitute live in the attic and she might oblige him.

    So he climbs the stairs, knocks on the dusty door to the attic and is met by old Betsy who motions him to sit on the bed. He watches quietly as she removes her wig and puts in on the dresser. Then she takes her teeth out and drops then into a large glass. Next she sits on the stool and unscrews her wooden leg!

    Straightening herself up she says to her guest "Would you like to have a feel of my breast?" and Mr Davidson replies "Sure, chuck it over".

  89. #89
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    As company is leaving a man's 50th birthday party his wife turns to him and says "For your 50th I thought we'd try some new positions to spice things up." The man replies "Fantastic, I can't wait to get started." To which the wife replies "Okay, you go position yourself between the dishwasher and the sink, and I'll try drinking a beer on the sofa."

  90. #90
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  91. #91
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    Quote Originally Posted by cyclelicious View Post
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    That is true! Totally true.

  92. #92
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    An older couple is discussing their retirement plans when the wife says "If you die before me I don't think I'll remarry. Instead, since I'm more active than most women my age, I think I'll look for a couple of younger single or widowed women to share a house with." To which the husband replied "That's my plan too!"

  93. #93
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    Some interesting entertainment before dinner.

    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yBJEP4lsRFY

  94. #94
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    Quote Originally Posted by Tribble Me View Post
    Some interesting entertainment before dinner.

    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yBJEP4lsRFY
    Brilliant :0)

  95. #95
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    The three stages of a married man's sex life:
    Newlywed -- tri-weekly
    married with kids -- try weekly
    age 70 -- try weakly.
    Do not take anything I post seriously. I don't.

  96. #96
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    Quote Originally Posted by Tribble Me View Post
    Some interesting entertainment before dinner.

    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yBJEP4lsRFY
    cool!
    F*ck Cancer

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  97. #97
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    F*ck Cancer

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  98. #98
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    Lmao!^
    Communist Party Member Since 1917.

  99. #99
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    AS I AGE, I REALIZE THAT:

    1. I talk to myself, because sometimes I need expert advice.

    2. Sometimes I roll my eyes out loud.

    3. I don't need anger management. I need people to stop pissing me off.

    4. My people skills are just fine. It's my tolerance of idiots that needs work.

    5. The biggest lie I tell myself is "I don't need to write that down, I'll remember it."

    6. When I was a child I thought nap time was punishment. Now it's like a mini vacation.

    7. The day the world runs out of wine is just too terrible to think about.

    8. Even duct tape can't fix stupid, but it can muffle the sound.

    9. Wouldn't it be great if we could put ourselves in the dryer for ten minutes; come out wrinkle-free and three sizes smaller.

    10. If God wanted me to touch my toes, he would've put them on my knees.

    11. When the kids text me "plz" which is shorter than please. I text back "no" which is shorter than "yes".

    12. At my age "Getting lucky" means walking into a room and remembering what I came in there for.

  100. #100
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    Happy Caturday

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    F*ck Cancer

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  101. #101
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    Quote Originally Posted by cyclelicious View Post
    Happy Caturday

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    and if you over sixty you have to put on your glasses to see that it's a kitty

  102. #102
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    F*ck Cancer

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  103. #103
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    ^^ LOL! there is an idea for a good practical joke
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    Is this what the world is coming to?

    https://www.youtube.com/embed/v6Wpc9s35ZY

  105. #105
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    F*ck Cancer

    Eat your veggies

  106. #106
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    Naughty Judy. Go to your room and think about that...
    Communist Party Member Since 1917.

  107. #107
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    A Cowboy sitting in a saloon one Saturday night recognized an elderly man standing at the bar who, in his day, had the reputation of being the fastest gun in the West.

    The young cowboy took a place next to the old-timer, bought him a drink, and told him the story of his great ambition.

    'Do you think you could give me some tips?' he asked.

    The old man looked him up and down and said, 'Well, for one thing, you're wearing your gun too high, tie the holster a little lower down on your leg.'

    'Will that make me a better gunfighter?' asked the young man.

    'Sure will,' replied the old-timer.

    The young man did as he was told, stood up, whipped out his 44 and shot the bow tie off the piano player.

    'That's terrific!' said the hot shot. 'Got any more tips for me?'

    'Yep,' said the old man. 'Cut a notch out of your holster where the hammer hits it, that'll give you a smoother draw.'

    'Will that make me a better gunfighter?' asked the younger man.

    'You bet it will,' said the old-timer.

    The young man took out his knife, cut the notch, stood up, drew his gun in a blur, and then shot a cufflink off the piano player.

    'Wow!' exclaimed the cowboy 'I'm learnin' somethin' here. Got any more tips?'

    The old man pointed to a large can in a corner of the saloon. 'See that axle grease over there? Coat your gun with it.'

    The young man went over to the can and smeared some of the grease on the barrel of his gun.

    'No,' said the old-timer, 'I mean smear it all over the gun, handle and all.'

    'Will that make me a better gunfighter?' asked the young man. 'No,' said the old-timer, 'but when Wyatt Earp gets done playing the piano, he's gonna shove that gun up your ass!!!!!

  108. #108
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    Nine Important Facts To Remember As We Grow Older:
    #9 - Death is the number 1 killer in the world.
    #8 - Life is sexually transmitted.
    #7 - Good health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.
    #6 - Men have 2 motivations: hunger and hanky panky, and they can't tell them apart. If you see a gleam in his eyes, make him a sandwich.
    #5 - Give a person a fish and you feed them for a day. Teach a person to use the Internet and they won't bother you for weeks, months, maybe years.
    #4 - Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in the hospital, dying of nothing.
    #3 - All of us could take a lesson from the weather. It pays no attention to criticism.
    #2 - In the 60's, people took acid to make the world weird.
    Now the world is weird, and people take Prozac to make it normal.
    #1 - Life is like a jar of jalapeno peppers. What you do today may be a burning issue tomorrow.

  109. #109
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    You must spread some Reputation around before giving it to Tribble Me again.
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  110. #110
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    Quote Originally Posted by jcd46 View Post
    You must spread some Reputation around before giving it to Tribble Me again.
    Yeah, some good lines there.

  111. #111
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    Those are funny and very creative. Did you write them yourself? I especially like the one about acid and prozac. So true.

    I wonder how it's all going play out before my time comes. Can it get any weirder?

  112. #112
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    Quote Originally Posted by Fuzzle View Post
    Can it get any weirder?
    You are aware of the fact that Donald Trump is running for US President?

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    Quote Originally Posted by Mr Pig View Post
    You are aware of the fact that Donald Trump is running for US President?
    lol - Running is fine... winning?
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  114. #114
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    Quote Originally Posted by jcd46 View Post
    lol - Running is fine... winning?
    Get ready dude, a world of weirdness comin' at'cha! Trump is going to win, he is going to be a terrible president but it will not be boring.

  115. #115
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    Quote Originally Posted by Mr Pig View Post
    Get ready dude, a world of weirdness comin' at'cha! Trump is going to win, he is going to be a terrible president but it will not be boring.
    You're so right. So what next?

  116. #116
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    Surly Krampus
    All City MMD
    Kona Unit

  117. #117
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    Talking to a co-worker who's in his mid-fifties today and I mentioned "I'm getting older" (even though I'm officially 3 years too young to be on this forum)

    He shrugged and said, "There's two things you need to remember as you get older.....don't ever waste an erection or trust a fart."

    Left me doubled over in the middle of the shop....

    Sorry Fuzzle for the inclusiveness....but maybe the second part applies to both sexes though

  118. #118
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    Quote Originally Posted by Fuzzle View Post
    Those are funny and very creative. Did you write them yourself? I especially like the one about acid and prozac. So true.

    I wonder how it's all going play out before my time comes. Can it get any weirder?
    I'm not that creative. Got it from a friend.

    The world is getting weirder and weirder or at least the weird stuff is more visible on the internet. That's #5 right?

  119. #119
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    Quote Originally Posted by Fuzzle View Post
    You're so right. So what next?
    Who knows? Will the USA be enough for him? The world next?

  120. #120
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    Quote Originally Posted by Fuzzle View Post
    You're so right. So what next?
    Well, we have the first person ever nominated for the Presidency while under federal investigation...

    Weerd.

  121. #121
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    Grandpa: The Gambler

    The IRS decides to audit Grandpa, and summons him to the IRS office. The auditor was not surprised when Grandpa showed up with his attorney.The auditor said, “Well, sir, you have an extravagant lifestyle and no full-time employment, which you explain by saying that you win money gambling. I'm not sure the IRS finds that believable.""I'm a great gambler, and I can prove it," says Grandpa. "How about a demonstration?"

    The auditor thinks for a moment and said, “Okay. Go ahead."Grandpa says, "I'll bet you a thousand dollars that I can bite my own eye."The auditor thinks a moment and says, "It's a bet."Grandpa removes his glass eye and bites it. The auditor's jaw drops.Grandpa says, "Now, I’ll bet you two thousand dollars that I can bite my other eye."Now the auditor can tell Grandpa isn't blind, so he takes the bet. Grandpa removes his dentures and bites his good eye.The stunned auditor now realizes he has wagered and lost three grand, with Grandpa’s attorney as a witness.

    He starts to get nervous. "Want to go double or nothing?" Grandpa asks. "I'll bet you six thousand dollars that I can stand on one side of your desk, and pee into that wastebasket on the other side, and never get a drop anywhere in between."The auditor, twice burned, is cautious now, but he looks carefully and decides there’s no way this old guy could possibly manage that stunt, so he agrees again.

    Grandpa stands beside the desk and unzips his pants, but although he strains mightily, he can't make the stream reach the wastebasket on the other side, so he ends up urinating all over the auditor’s desk.The auditor leaps with joy, realizing that he has just turned a major loss into a huge win. But Grandpa's own attorney moans and puts his head in his hands. "Are you okay?" the auditor asks. "Not really," says the attorney. "This morning, when Grandpa told me he’d been summoned for an audit, he bet me twenty-five thousand dollars that he could come in here and pee all over your desk and that you'd be happy about it!"

  122. #122
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    Desperado.


  123. #123
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    50+ Joke Thread-13466311_309401466062929_6192910531113809441_n.jpg
    F*ck Cancer

    Eat your veggies

  124. #124
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    F*ck Cancer

    Eat your veggies

  125. #125
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    Quote Originally Posted by cyclelicious View Post
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    So true! But I always win eventually ;0)

  126. #126
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    No, no, you have it all wrong.

    I get her a bike for my birthday in the summer, thus ensuring a clear path to a new bike for me in the fall.

    Everyone knows that the best time to get a new bike is just before winter

    It really does work...plus I already wash the dishes and do the laundry.

  127. #127
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    50+ Joke Thread-13770464_1006383619475306_1450705488769557098_n.jpg
    F*ck Cancer

    Eat your veggies

  128. #128
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    Great Quotes of A Sexual Nature By Famous Folks


    "There are a number of mechanical devices which increase sexual arousal, particularly in women. Chief among these is the Mercedes-Benz 560SL." *Lynn Lavner

    "Sex is one of the nine reasons for reincarnation. The other eight are unimportant." *George Burns

    "Women might be able to fake orgasms. But men can fake a whole relationship." *Sharon Stone

    "My mother never saw the irony in calling me a son-of-a-*****." *Jack Nicholson"

    Clinton lied. A man might forget where he parks or where he lives, but he never forgets oral sex, no matter how bad it is." * Barbara Bush (Former US First Lady)

    "Ah, yes, divorce, from the Latin word meaning to rip out a man's genitals through his wallet." * Robin Williams

    "Women need a reason to have sex. Men just need a place" *Billy Crystal

    "According to a new survey, women say they feel more comfortable undressing in front of men than they do undressing in front of other women. They say that women are too judgmental, where, of course, men are just grateful." *Robert De Niro

    "There's a new medical crisis. Doctors are reporting that many men are having allergic reactions to latex condoms. They say they cause severe swelling. So what's the problem?" *Dustin Hoffman

    "There's very little advice in men's magazines, because men think, 'I know what I'm doing. Just show me somebody naked !" *Jerry Seinfeld

    "See, the problem is that God gives men a brain and a penis, and only enough blood to run one at a time." *Robin Williams

    "It's been so long since I've had sex, I've forgotten who ties up whom." *Joan Rivers

    "Sex is one of the most wholesome, beautiful and natural experiences money can buy." * Steve Martin

    " You don't appreciate a lot of stuff in school until you get older. Little things like being spanked every day by a middle-aged woman. Stuff you pay good money for in later life." * Elmo Phillips

    " Bigamy is having one wife too many. Monogamy is the same." *Oscar Wilde

    " It isn't premarital sex if you have no intention of getting married." *George Burns

  129. #129
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    Senior Texting Codes

    It's been a while since I've read thru these jokes, lots of great ones. Apologies if this has been posted - I may have forgotten, or IMHF!


  130. #130
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    Good one levity ... I'll try to remember some of these
    F*ck Cancer

    Eat your veggies

  131. #131
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    Quote Originally Posted by cyclelicious View Post
    Good one levity ... I'll try to remember some of these
    Oh thank god. I hadn't heard you around here and was about to call the Mounties.
    Communist Party Member Since 1917.

  132. #132
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    Quote Originally Posted by cyclelicious View Post
    Good one levity ... I'll try to remember some of these
    Our age, you'd best write them down.

  133. #133
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  134. #134
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    A elderly man goes into confession and says to the priest, “Father, I’m 80 years old, married, have four kids and eleven healthy grandchildren, and last night I had an affair with two 18 year old girls. I made love with both of them… twice.”

    The priest said, “Well, my son, when was the last time you were in confession?”

    “Never Father… I’m Jewish.”

    “So then, why are you telling me?”

    “I’m telling everybody!”

    F*ck Cancer

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  135. #135
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    F*ck Cancer

    Eat your veggies

  136. #136
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    Quote Originally Posted by cyclelicious View Post
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    They'll move to the Naproxen Chapter when they're done being posers and newbs.

  137. #137
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    Redneck mountain biking

    50+ Joke Thread-2740ca473c401d8943f717301705d1bce087de0d.jpg

    Now that's a rigid fork!

  138. #138
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    bet it mows right over stuff!

  139. #139
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    A woman dies after a long illness, and finds herself just outside of heaven, at the pearly gates. As she peers inside, she sees people she knew from her life on earth enjoying themselves, laughing, and looking quite happy. Just then, St Peter comes along, and she asks him:

    Is this heaven? How can I enter the gates?”

    St Peter replies: “Yes, this is heaven. All you have to do is spell one word for me, and you’ll be free to enter.”

    “What word?,” she asks. “Please tell me!”

    “Spell LOVE,” and you can enter, replied St Peter.

    Relieved, she spells the word correctly, and St Peter opens the gates for her.

    After she had been in heaven for some time, the woman became quite comfortable and happy, but she still missed her beloved husband who she left on the earth. As an extra way of being of service, she asks to become a helper of St Peter, along with others who greet the newcomers to heaven and usher them through the pearly gates.

    Imagine her surprise one day when her husband appeared at the gates.

    “Darling! I thought you’d never get here,” she says in greeting. “I have missed you so much…tell me, what have you been doing all this time? Was life hard for you after I left?”

    Her husband replied: “Well, it’s good to see you, too! Yes, I have been quite busy. I was very sorry when you left, but I was quite attracted to that cute nurse who helped you through your last days, and we ended up getting married a few months after your passing. And then – I won the lottery! Can you imagine? I was able to buy a large mansion, a new car, retired from my job, and my new wife and I traveled the world and we have had a grand life. We were on a vacation in the Greek isles and while I was water-skiing, my ski fell off and hit me in the head…so, here I am! I was sorry to leave her and the earth, but it’s really great to see you again. Gee, it looks so nice in there. Is this heaven?”

    The woman looked at him, smiled sweetly, and says: “Well, imagine that! I have missed you so much, and hoped that you missed me, too…but, well, I guess life goes on – right?”

    “Right!,” he said. “So, tell me…how do you like heaven? I never dreamed I’d get here. Is it easy to get in?”

    “Oh, yes,” she replied. “All you have to do is spell one word”

    “Okay!” he said excitedly. “What word?”

    “Czechoslovakia”
    F*ck Cancer

    Eat your veggies

  140. #140
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    My favorite lil'johnny joke...

    One morning when lil' johnny was at school, the teacher noticed something was moving around in a bag beneath lil' johnny's chair.

    Teacher. Lil' johnny, what is that moving around under your chair?

    Lil' johnny. It's my cat.

    Teacher. Lil' johnny, why did you bring your cat to school?

    Lil'johnny. I had to. My father was going to kill it.

    Teacher. Lil' johnny, what makes you think your father was going to kill the cat?

    Lil' johnny. I overheard him tell my mom that after I left for school, he was going to eat that *****. (rhymes with ussy)

  142. #142
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    Old guy is filling out paperwork in the doctors office and turns it in to the nurse. Upon review the nurse says "In the block 'sex', you marked 'sure', but the question is asking about gender." The old guy says, "at my age, I don't think I can get that picky."

  143. #143
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    Two ugly sisters from Fordham
    went out for a walk out of boredam
    on the want back
    a sex maniac
    jumped out of a bush and ignored em.

    The sisters were over 50!

  144. #144
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    50+ Joke Thread-636242_n.jpg

  145. #145
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    haha

    the next picture in the series shows a similarly "challenged" thief trying to cut the cable

  146. #146
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    Bike theft in Toronto has gotten ridiculous

    50+ Joke Thread-14572233_10154448920331147_711278084591180710_n.jpg

    Yup that's a U-lock
    F*ck Cancer

    Eat your veggies

  147. #147
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    "No seat on this one. It'll be harder to pedal, we'd better steal a different bike."

  148. #148
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    Quote Originally Posted by Tribble Me View Post
    "No seat on this one. It'll be harder to pedal, we'd better steal a different bike."

    "It's a tougher workout out of the saddle than seated "

    Here's another angle... just because

    50+ Joke Thread-14481781_10154448920336147_2536840395794685379_o.jpg
    F*ck Cancer

    Eat your veggies

  149. #149
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    50+ Joke Thread-14729370_1298030443587090_6979462567960396179_n.jpg
    F*ck Cancer

    Eat your veggies

  150. #150
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    Doe this qualify as an E Bike?
    50+ Joke Thread-img_1621.jpg

  151. #151
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    ^lol^

    50+ Joke Thread-14591697_10210851061063172_6691362482105253415_n.jpg
    F*ck Cancer

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  152. #152
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    50+ Joke Thread-14702273_1300721566627999_765089053238387267_n.jpg
    F*ck Cancer

    Eat your veggies

  153. #153
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    Quote Originally Posted by Phillbo View Post
    Road Head is possible in any car.
    But as we get older we prefer tilt steering wheels. Need more headroom.

  154. #154
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    Quote Originally Posted by jeffscott View Post
    Why did I cross the road????
    You've hit on the truest thing about aging; memory loss. It's the second thing to go.
    What's the first again?

  155. #155
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    96 year old man goes for his checkup.
    "Doc, will I live to be a hundred?"
    "I don't know, do you drink?"
    "Not a drop"
    "Smoke?"
    "Never."
    "Chase wild women?"
    "Nope"
    "Then why would you want to?"

  156. #156
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    A balding, white haired man walked into a jewelry store in a local mall this
    past Friday evening with a beautiful much younger gal at his side.
    He told the jeweler he was looking for a special ring for
    his girlfriend. The jeweler looked through his stock and
    brought out a $5,000 ring. The man said, 'No, I'd like to
    see something more special.'

    At that statement, the jeweler went to his special stock
    and brought another ring over. 'Here's a stunning ring at
    only $40,000' the jeweler said. The lady's eyes sparkled
    and her whole body trembled with excitement.
    The old man seeing this said, 'We'll take it.'
    The jeweler asked how payment would be made and
    the man stated, 'By check. I know you need to make
    sure my check is good, so I'll write it now and you
    can call the bank Monday to verify the funds and I'll
    pick up the ring Monday afternoon.'

    On Monday morning, the jeweler angrily phoned the
    old man and said, 'There was only $25 in your account.'

    'I know', said the old man, 'But let me tell you about
    MY GREAT WEEKEND!'


    REMEMBER... Not All Seniors Are Senile…

  157. #157
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    A couple was in a busy shopping center just before Christmas.

    The wife suddenly noticed that her husband was missing, and as they had a lot to do, she called him on his cell phone.
    The wife said… "Where are you? You know we have lots to do."

    He said, "Do you remember the jewelry store we went into about 10 years ago, and you fell in love with a diamond necklace? I could not afford it at the time, and I said that one day I would get it for you."

    Little tears started to flow down her cheek, and she got all choked up…
    "Yes, I do remember that shop," she replied.

    "Well, I'm drinking a beer in the Hooters next to that."

  158. #158
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    50+ Joke Thread-image.jpeg
    Quote Originally Posted by mileslong View Post
    I passionately remove rocks and corners and other stuff I find too hard to ride.

  159. #159
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    3 old men talking at the old folks home
    1) I wish I could take a good healthy poo again
    2) I wish I could take a good healthy pee again
    3) I take a good healthy pee at 6 every morning. I take a good healthy poo at 7. I just wish I could get outa bed before 8

  160. #160
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    50+ Joke Thread-image.jpeg

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    Women are indeed superior to men. Having babies was mentioned. Men can't do that.
    We also can't bleed for 3-5 days every month without dying. And most of us can't bury a bone without getting our fingernails dirty!!!

  162. #162
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    Quote Originally Posted by OlMarin View Post
    Women are indeed superior to men.
    Not that we are wanting to start a fight or anything are we? ;0)

  163. #163
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    3 old hookers end up at the retirement home. 3 days later they're nekkid, on the front lawn.
    Yard sale.

  164. #164
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    A man went into a bar after work and ordered a beer.

    As he started drinking his beer, he heard a female voice saying seductively, 'You've got nice hair'.

    The man looked all around him but couldn't see where the voice came from.

    A minute later he heard the same voice saying, 'You are a handsome man.'

    The man was really puzzled by this so he asked the barman what was going on.

    The barman replied, 'It's the nuts - they're complimentary.'
    F*ck Cancer

    Eat your veggies

  165. #165
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    Quote Originally Posted by cyclelicious View Post
    A man went into a bar after work and ordered a beer.

    As he started drinking his beer, he heard a female voice saying seductively, 'You've got nice hair'.

    The man looked all around him but couldn't see where the voice came from.

    A minute later he heard the same voice saying, 'You are a handsome man.'

    The man was really puzzled by this so he asked the barman what was going on.

    The barman replied, 'It's the nuts - they're complimentary.'
    Ugh

  166. #166
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    “Did you know I was on President Nixon’s enemies list? Yes darlin’, I told Tricia that if the Pilgrims had shot bobcats instead of turkeys for food, we’d be eating pu**y for Thanksgiving.”


    --Moms Mabley


    sauce: Moms Mabley, the original wise old black lesbian comedian: ?Comedy ain? pretty? | Dangerous Minds
    F*ck Cancer

    Eat your veggies

  167. #167
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    Quote Originally Posted by cyclelicious View Post
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    “Did you know I was on President Nixon’s enemies list? Yes darlin’, I told Tricia that if the Pilgrims had shot bobcats instead of turkeys for food, we’d be eating pu**y for Thanksgiving.”


    --Moms Mabley


    sauce: Moms Mabley, the original wise old black lesbian comedian: ?Comedy ain? pretty? | Dangerous Minds
    So I went and listened to her singing, then listened to the stand up, really classy stuff, great style:

    "Momma, what's it like being married to an old man?"

    "Well, it's like pushing an old Cadillac up a hill with a rope"


  168. #168
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    Lawyers should never ask a Georgia grandma a question if they aren't prepared for the answer.

    In a trial, a Southern small-town prosecuting attorney called his first witness, a grandmotherly, elderly woman to the stand. He approached her and asked, 'Mrs. Jones, do you know me?' She responded, 'Why, yes, I do know you, Mr. Williams. I've known you since you were a boy, and frankly, you've been a big disappointment to me. You lie, you cheat on your wife, and you manipulate people and talk about them behind their backs. You think you're a big shot when you haven't the brains to realize you'll never amount to anything more than a two-bit paper pusher. Yes, I know you.'
    The lawyer was stunned. Not knowing what else to do, he pointed across the room and asked, 'Mrs. Jones, do you know the defense attorney?'
    She again replied, 'Why yes, I do. I've known Mr. Bradley since he was a youngster, too. He's lazy, bigoted, and he has a drinking problem. He can't build a normal relationship with anyone, and his law practice is one of the worst in the entire state. Not to mention he cheated on his wife with three different women. One of them was your wife. Yes, I know him.' The defense attorney nearly died.
    The judge asked both counselors to approach the bench and, in a very quiet voice, said, "If either of you idiots asks her if she knows me, I'll send you both to the electric chair."
    White Clouds - Heart of Idaho

  169. #169
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    A rather elderly gentleman walks into an upscale cocktail lounge. He
    is quite handsome, smelling faintly of an expensive after-shave,
    flower in his lapel, shoes shined, using neither a cane nor a walker.
    He presents a suave, debonair image.
    Seated at the bar is an equally elderly fine-looking lady. The
    gentleman walks over, sits alongside her, orders a dry martini, takes
    a sip, turns to her and says, "Tell me, good-looking, do I come here
    often?"

  170. #170
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    This is the Guy who invented the High Five

    This is the Guy who invented the High Five
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  171. #171
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    Bathtub Test

    During a visit to the mental asylum, a visitor asked the Director how do
    You determine whether or not a patient should be institutionalized.

    'Well,' said the Director, 'we fill up a bathtub, then we offer a
    Teaspoon, a teacup and a bucket to the patient and ask him or her to
    Empty the bathtub.'

    'Oh, I understand,' said the visitor. 'A normal person would use the
    Bucket because it's bigger than the spoon or the teacup.'

    'No.' said the Director, 'A normal person would pull the plug. Do you
    Want a bed near the window?'

  172. #172
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    Hello mtbiker over fiftyes

    that's for baby near Napoli , Italy
    Attached Thumbnails Attached Thumbnails 50+ Joke Thread-img_6469.jpg  


  173. #173
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    and that's for you

    simple and through
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  174. #174
    9 lives
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    F*ck Cancer

    Eat your veggies

  175. #175
    turtles make me hot
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    Quote Originally Posted by cyclelicious View Post
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    Haha!! My grandmother had one of those that didn't work. It was a storage unit for my entire life.
    I like turtles

  176. #176
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    Quote Originally Posted by NYrr496 View Post
    My grandmother had one of those that didn't work.
    They never worked. TV repair man was a job back then, you were on first name terms with the guys.

  177. #177
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    Quote Originally Posted by cyclelicious View Post
    An 80 year old couple goes to the doctor and tell him they wanna have kids. The doctor says it's not possible at their advanced age. They disagree saying they have read about it & they want to try. So the doctor gives them a jar & says to go home and fill it. They bring the jar back at their next appointment and it is empty. The man says "Doc, I tried my left hand. I tried my right hand. Heck the wife even tried her mouth. But we can't get the lid off"!
    This site needs a like button.

  178. #178
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    An Irish Toast

    John O'Reilly hoisted his beer and said, "Here's to spending the rest of me Life, between the legs of me wife !"

    That won him the top prize at the pub for the best toast of the night!

    He went home and told his wife, Mary, "I won the prize for the Best toast of The night."

    She said, "Aye, did ye now. And what was your toast?" John said, "Here's to spending the rest of me life, sitting in church beside me wife."

    "Oh, that is very nice indeed, John!" Mary said.

    The next day, Mary ran into one of John's drinking buddies on the street corner. The man chuckled leeringly and said, "John won the prize the other night at the pub with a toast about you, Mary."

    She said, "Aye, he told me, and I was a bit surprised myself. You know, he's only been in
    there twice in the last four years. "Once I had to pull him by the ears to make him come, and the other time he fell asleep".

  179. #179
    9 lives
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    ^
    F*ck Cancer

    Eat your veggies

  180. #180
    9 lives
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    F*ck Cancer

    Eat your veggies

  181. #181
    9 lives
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    50+ Joke Thread-15747558_1359536744067231_2591384852594994375_n.jpg
    F*ck Cancer

    Eat your veggies

  182. #182
    9 lives
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    F*ck Cancer

    Eat your veggies

  183. #183
    Bikesexual
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    Quote Originally Posted by cyclelicious View Post
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    Lol!
    Surly Krampus
    All City MMD
    Kona Unit

  184. #184
    9 lives
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    50+ Joke Thread-15747353_1233278486737517_3004469968665620882_n.jpg
    F*ck Cancer

    Eat your veggies

  185. #185
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  186. #186
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    I am not yet at retiring age myself, but came across this 'QUOTE' at the 65th birthday of a professional gentleman whom I visited recently:

    I am not making any aged related jokes on your birthday because I genuinely feel bad about how old you are....

    Nice to work with a great bunch of work-mates.

    Eric
    If I don't make an attempt, how will I know if it will work?

  187. #187
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    Old school headphones

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    F*ck Cancer

    Eat your veggies

  188. #188
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  189. #189
    9 lives
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    Are you really for this challenge?


    50+ Joke Thread-16105693_10154768183901427_5277540302899222375_n.jpg
    F*ck Cancer

    Eat your veggies

  190. #190
    Maaaaan
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    That's pretty much my exercise schedule, but without the beer.
    Communist Party Member Since 1917.

  191. #191
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    50+ Joke Thread-image015.jpg

  192. #192
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    Happy Hump Day!

    Upon hearing that her elderly grandfather had just passed away, Katie went straight to her grandparent's house to visit her 95 year-old grandmother and comfort her. When she asked how her grandfather had died, her grandmother replied, "He had a heart attack while we were making love on Sunday morning."

    Horrified, Katie told her grandmother that 2 people nearly 100 years old having sex would surely be asking for trouble.

    "Oh no, my dear," replied granny. "Many years ago, realizing our advanced age, we figured out the best time to do it was when the church bells would start to ring. It was just the right rhythm. Nice and slow and even. Nothing too strenuous, simply in on the Ding and out on the Dong." She paused to wipe away a tear, and continued, "He'd still be alive if the ice cream truck hadn't come along."
    F*ck Cancer

    Eat your veggies

  193. #193
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    Quote Originally Posted by cyclelicious View Post
    Happy Hump Day!

    Upon hearing that her elderly grandfather had just passed away, Katie went straight to her grandparent's house to visit her 95 year-old grandmother and comfort her. When she asked how her grandfather had died, her grandmother replied, "He had a heart attack while we were making love on Sunday morning."

    Horrified, Katie told her grandmother that 2 people nearly 100 years old having sex would surely be asking for trouble.

    "Oh no, my dear," replied granny. "Many years ago, realizing our advanced age, we figured out the best time to do it was when the church bells would start to ring. It was just the right rhythm. Nice and slow and even. Nothing too strenuous, simply in on the Ding and out on the Dong." She paused to wipe away a tear, and continued, "He'd still be alive if the ice cream truck hadn't come along."
    Lol


    Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

  194. #194
    9 lives
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    50+ Joke Thread-16265419_1183557975091202_4738201179361185225_n.jpg
    F*ck Cancer

    Eat your veggies

  195. #195
    jalepenio jimenez
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    While canvasing a neighborhood, a young male pollster was invited in to talk by an elderly woman who would by no means stand at the front door and have a conversation.
    After sitting down and being served a cup of tea, the pollster noticed a bowl of nuts which he casually began to nibble on as their conversation went on.
    After an hour, with nothing but crumbs remaining, the young man apologized for eating all the nuts, to which the elderly woman replied not to worry, that ever since she had lost all her teeth, all she could do now was suck the chocolate off the outsides.
    White Clouds - Heart of Idaho

  196. #196
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    50+ Joke Thread-image019.jpg

  197. #197
    Self Appointed Judge&Jury
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    Quote Originally Posted by ravewoofer View Post
    Lol


    Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk
    I'd like to double that laugh.
    Quote Originally Posted by mileslong View Post
    I passionately remove rocks and corners and other stuff I find too hard to ride.

  198. #198
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    Quote Originally Posted by cyclelicious View Post
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    And the best part was getting a new TV and setting it on top of the old cabinet TV.
    Quote Originally Posted by mileslong View Post
    I passionately remove rocks and corners and other stuff I find too hard to ride.

  199. #199
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    I liked the fact that you could put a big stack of singles on them and they would play them one after the other. Seemed so advanced back then!

  200. #200
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    Quote Originally Posted by Mr Pig View Post
    I liked the fact that you could put a big stack of singles on them and they would play them one after the other. Seemed so advanced back then!
    With the arm that would hold them up. Plus the plastic pieces you could slip into the hole of a 45 to allow it to play on a standard turn table. Good times and very advanced.

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    Quote Originally Posted by mileslong View Post
    I passionately remove rocks and corners and other stuff I find too hard to ride.

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