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Thread: 50+ Joke Thread

  1. #601
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    Wow! My buddy's grand ma is going to be 105 this year!

    I would also hate to live that long!

    People this age are allowed to complain about anything!

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  2. #602
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    Husbands are husbands

    A man was sitting reading his papers when his wife hit him round the head with a frying pan.

    'What was that for?' the man asked. The wife replied ,

    'That was for the piece of paper with the name Jenny on it that I found in your pants pocket'.

    The man then said 'When I was at the races last week ,Jenny was the name of the horse I bet on.' The wife apologized and went on with the housework.

    Three days later the man is watching TV when his wife bashes him on the head with an even bigger frying pan, knocking him unconscious. Upon re-gaining consciousness the man asked why she had hit again.

    Wife replied. 'Your horse phoned'

  3. #603
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    An elderly man went to his doctor and said, 'Doc, I think I'm getting senile. Several times lately, I have forgotten to zip up.'

    'That's not senility,' replied the doctor. 'Senility is when you forget to zip down.'

  4. #604
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    Lol!
    Quote Originally Posted by Tribble Me View Post
    Husbands are husbands

    A man was sitting reading his papers when his wife hit him round the head with a frying pan.

    'What was that for?' the man asked. The wife replied ,

    'That was for the piece of paper with the name Jenny on it that I found in your pants pocket'.

    The man then said 'When I was at the races last week ,Jenny was the name of the horse I bet on.' The wife apologized and went on with the housework.

    Three days later the man is watching TV when his wife bashes him on the head with an even bigger frying pan, knocking him unconscious. Upon re-gaining consciousness the man asked why she had hit again.

    Wife replied. 'Your horse phoned'
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  5. #605
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    Yep..

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  6. #606
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    Geez he was so cute....


    50+ Joke Thread-33618728_1508957009233302_3683030401594425344_n.jpg
    F*ck Cancer

    Eat your veggies

  7. #607
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    "Why can't I have a warmer like that..."

  8. #608
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    Just some random thoughts:

    My goal for 2018 was to lose 10 pounds. Only 15 to go.

    I ate a salad for dinner. Mostly croutons & tomatoes. Really just one big round crouton covered with tomato sauce. And cheese. FINE, it was a pizza. I ate a pizza.

    How to prepare Tofu:
    a. Throw it in the trash
    b. Grill some meat

    I just did a week's worth of cardio after walking into a spider web.

    I don't mean to brag, but I finished my 14-day diet food in 3 hours
    and 20 minutes.

    A recent study has found women who carry a little extra weight live much longer than men who mention it.

    Kids today don't know how easy they have it. When I was young, I had to walk 9 feet through ugly shag carpet to change the TV channel.

    Senility has been a smooth transition for me.

    Remember back when we were kids and every time it was below zero outside they closed school? Nah, me either.

    I may not be that funny or athletic or good looking or smart or talented. I forgot where I was going with this.

    I love being over 55. I learn something new every day and forget 5 others.

    A thief broke into my house last night. He started searching for money so I woke up and searched with him.

    Important note for Daylight Savings Time. Don't forget to set your bathroom scale back 10 pounds on Saturday night.

    Just remember, once you're over the hill you begin to pick up speed.

    I think I'll just put an "Out of Order" sticker on my forehead and call it a day.

  9. #609
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    At the bike shop last night buying a new helmet and talking to the sales person about a $7K bike (that I wouldn't buy on a bet) when a twenty-something commented to me that "it's not fair that only old people have enough money to buy really good bikes, it's not like you can use all that capability." I was gonna laugh at him but said "Hmmm, seems like if you were fast enough to need a $10K bike some team would be buying it for you."

  10. #610
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    I would have invited him for a ride, offered him the use of my bike, then trashed his trash talking arse

    Quote Originally Posted by Forster View Post
    At the bike shop last night buying a new helmet and talking to the sales person about a $7K bike (that I wouldn't buy on a bet) when a twenty-something commented to me that "it's not fair that only old people have enough money to buy really good bikes, it's not like you can use all that capability." I was gonna laugh at him but said "Hmmm, seems like if you were fast enough to need a $10K bike some team would be buying it for you."
    Lrg GG Pedalhead 29/27+
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    Pivot Shuttle 27+ (wife)

  11. #611
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    Quote Originally Posted by Nurse Ben View Post
    I would have invited him for a ride, offered him the use of my bike, then trashed his trash talking arse
    Not a bad plan. I don't own any mega expensive bikes but they've all been paid for by off-setting vehicle miles on commutes. I guess if you want something bad enough you can work hard, save your money and get it someday. If you want to smart-off in a bike shop, there probably isn't a sustainable living connected to that line of work.

  12. #612
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    Glass half-full

    Quote Originally Posted by Forster View Post
    ...a twenty-something commented to me that "it's not fair that only old people have enough money to buy really good bikes, it's not like you can use all that capability."...
    This is basically true. When you are young, you have vitality & free time on your side, but little money. As a person establishes a career, family, & responsibilities, they gain money, but usually at the expense of lost vitality and less free time.
    But to say "it's not fair" is a classic victim-mentality statement. Young people have attributes (health & time) that many of us 'mature' types would kill for. If young people leveraged what they already have, we would be cheering them on, instead of listening to their whining.

  13. #613
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    Funny, because my son (18) seems to think the victim mentality is something his generation invented. I've since explained that it's as old as time. I remember being there myself at one point. I'd broke three vertebrae at age 19 and felt pretty sorry for myself until I had a 12-year-old roommate in the Hospital who'd just lost his leg at the knee to bone cancer. He didn't feel the least bit a victim. Started me really thinking about what I had rather than what I didn't have. Took about two years of scrounging to buy my first road bike after that because I wanted to get back in shape and couldn't return to serious running. That was 37 years ago. Haven't stopped riding since.

  14. #614
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    Everyone that didn't say any stupid shit when they were 20 raise your hands. Liars.

  15. #615
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    Quote Originally Posted by SteveF View Post
    Everyone that didn't say any stupid shit when they were 20 raise your hands. Liars.
    Hands down. I could also add 30s and 40s to that and will likely say that about my 50s when I reach my 60s.

  16. #616
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    A husband takes his wife to play golf for her first time. Of course, the wife promptly hacked her first shot right through the window of the biggest house adjacent to the course.
    The husband cringed, 'I warned you to be careful! Now we'll have to go up there, find the owner, apologize and see how much your lousy drive is going to cost us.'
    So the couple walked up to the house and knocked on the door. A warm voice said, 'Come on in.'
    When they opened the door they saw the damage that was done: glass was all over the place, and a broken antique bottle was lying on its side near the pieces of window glass.
    A man reclining on the couch asked, 'Are you the people that broke my window?'
    'Uh...yeah! , sir. We're sure sorry about that,' the husband replied.
    'Oh, no apology is necessary. Actually I want to thank you.. You see, I'm a genie, and I've been trapped in that bottle for a thousand years. Now that you've released me, I'm allowed to grant three wishes. I'll give you each one wish, but if you don't mind, I'll keep the last one for my self.'
    Wow, that's great!' the husband said. He pondered a moment and blurted out, 'I'd like a million dollars a year for the rest of my life.'
    'No problem,' said the genie 'You've got it, it's the least I can do.. And I'll guarantee you a long, healthy life!'
    'And now you, young lady, what do you want?' the genie asked.
    'I'd like to own a gorgeous home in every country in the world complete with servants,' she said.
    'Consider it done,' the genie said. 'And your homes will always be safe from fire, burglary and natural disasters!'
    'And now,' the couple asked in unison, 'what's your wish, genie?'
    'Well, since I've been trapped in that bottle, and haven't been with a woman in more than a thousand years, my wish is to have sex with your wife.'
    The husband looked at his wife and said, 'Gee, honey, you know we both now have a fortune, and all those houses. What do you think?'
    She mulled it over for a few moments and said, 'You know, you're right. Considering our good fortune, I guess I wouldn't mind, but what about you, honey?'
    You know I love you sweetheart,' said the husband. I'd do the same for you!'
    So the genie and the woman went upstairs where they spent the rest of the afternoon enjoying each other.
    The genie was insatiable. After about three hours of non-stop sex, the genie rolled over and looked directly into her eyes and asked, How old are you and your husband?'
    'Why, we're both 35,' she responded breathlessly.
    'No Kidding,' he said.
    'Thirty-five years old and you both still believe in genies?'

  17. #617
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    Lol..Good one Tribble !

  18. #618
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    50+ Joke Thread-34396175_10155658086036376_4913267807224856576_n.jpg
    F*ck Cancer

    Eat your veggies

  19. #619
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    Quote Originally Posted by cyclelicious View Post
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    Ms cyclelicious, while I very much appreciate the sentiment behind your post, I must protest your posting on the 50+ forum. You clearly need to wait another 20 years, at least.

  20. #620
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    Quote Originally Posted by DeadGrandpa View Post
    Ms cyclelicious, while I very much appreciate the sentiment behind your post, I must protest your posting on the 50+ forum. You clearly need to wait another 20 years, at least.
    Now if there were two 50-year-old getting Cat 6'd by a twenty-something it might apply. Just kidding, we all know we'd chase them down.

  21. #621
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    A little old lady goes to the doctor and says, “Doctor, I have a terrible problem with gas, but it doesn’t bother me much.”
    My farts are always silent and never smell. I probably farted 15 times since I’ve been here, and you didn’t realize it.

    The doctor says, “Interesting. Why don’t you take these pills and come see me in a week?”

    The old lady returns in a week and says, “I don’t know what the hell you gave me. My farts are still silent, but my God, they stink!!”

    The doctor says, “Excellent. Now that your sinuses are cleared, let’s work on your hearing.”
    F*ck Cancer

    Eat your veggies

  22. #622
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    A Touching Golf Story

    Ray stood over his tee shot on the 450 yard 18th hole for what seemed an eternity.

    He waggled, looked up, looked down, waggled again, but didn't start his back swing.

    Finally his exasperated partner asked, 'What the hell is taking so long?'

    'My wife is watching me from the clubhouse balcony, Jim explained. 'I want to make a perfect shot.'

    His companion said, 'You don't have a chance in hell of hitting her from here'.

  23. #623
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    Another golf chestnut:

    Q: Why does holding a 1-iron over your head in a lightning storm protect you?



    A: Because not even God can hit a 1-iron.
    Use it, use it, use it while you still have it.

  24. #624
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    The Art Collector's Wife

    A New York attorney representing a wealthy art collector called and
    asked to speak to his client, "Saul, I have some good news and, I have some bad news."
    The art collector replied, "I've had an awful day; let's hear the good news first."

    The lawyer said, "Well, I met with your wife today, and she informed me that she invested $5,000 in two pictures that she thinks will bring a minimum of $15-20 million. I think she could be right."

    Saul replied enthusiastically, "Well done! My wife is a brilliant businesswoman! You've just made my day. Now I know I can handle the bad news. What is it?"

    The lawyer replied, "The pictures are of you with your secretary."

  25. #625
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    At a linguistic conference, held in London, England a challenge was given:

    Some say there is no difference between Complete and Finished.
    Please explain the difference in a way that is easy to understand.

    The overwhelming favorite response was:

    When you marry the right woman, you are Complete. If you marry the wrong woman, you are Finished. And, when the right woman catches you with the wrong woman, you are Completely Finished.

  26. #626
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    THE MEMORIAL STONE

    Billy died.... His will provided $30,000 for his elaborate funeral.

    As the last guests departed the affair, his wife, Joyce, turned to her oldest and dearest friend, Jonelle.

    "Well, I'm sure Billy would be pleased," she said.

    "I'm sure you're right," replied Jonelle, who lowered her voice and leaned in close. "How much did this really cost?"

    "All of it," said Joyce... "Thirty thousand dollars."

    "No!" Jonelle exclaimed. "I mean, it was very nice, but $30,000?"

    Joyce answered, "The funeral was $6,500. I donated $500 to the church. The whiskey, wine, food and snacks were another $500. The rest went for the Memorial Stone."

    Jonelle quickly computed the total of $7,500 and said "$22,500 for a Memorial Stone? My God, how big is it?"

    Joyce answered, "Two and a half carats."

  27. #627
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    As little bike as possible, as silent as possible.
    Latitude: 57º36' Highlands, Scotland

  28. #628
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    Quote Originally Posted by Velobike View Post
    That's a classic! Need to share with my wife who is due for a colonoscopy, then again better wait till she's done.

  29. #629
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    50+ Joke Thread-37201603_2046473652037720_7800994377270034432_n.jpg
    F*ck Cancer

    Eat your veggies

  30. #630
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    You know your 50+ when the noises you made during sex, is the noises you make getting out of bed.

  31. #631
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    Quote Originally Posted by kilo19 View Post
    You know your 50+ when the noises you made during sex, is the noises you make getting out of bed.
    So...Farting?

  32. #632
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    50+ Joke Thread-37564110_1623076181136664_1740467382817652736_n.jpg
    F*ck Cancer

    Eat your veggies

  33. #633
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    Quote Originally Posted by cyclelicious View Post
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    That is so funny! Reminds me of my childhood. What not to feed the dog.


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  34. #634
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    The ancient car belonging to the convent a few miles from a medieval town had just given up the ghost, and they couldn't afford another one.

    "God will provide" said the Mother Superior.

    But he didn't, or at least not in the way they expected.

    Eventually they got desperate for groceries and personal requisites, but it was too far to walk.

    The Mother Superior had a brainwave. Manuel, their ancient handyman had a tandem, perhaps he would take a nun into town to make the necessary purchases?

    Soon, this became a regular thing, in fact suspiciously regular. Nuns were finding any excuse to go into town with Manuel for just one item.

    It all came to a head when the Mother Superior heard two of the sisters having a ding dong argument about whose turn it was to go in to town with Manuel.

    Her suspicions were aroused. Surely not Manuel? No, too old, smelly, and unlikely. Maybe it was where they were going?

    She decided she would get to the bottom of this and announced she was going in to town with Manuel.

    "Where do you want to go?"

    "The same places you take the other sisters"

    So off they went. At the the top of a hill Manuel turned the bike into a narrow alleyway.

    "Where are we going?"

    "This is the old road into town, it's a bit rough but it's shortcut"

    Soon they were speeding down the old road, the bike juddering and vibrating on the rough surface.

    Mother Superior "I've never come this way before"

    Manuel "That's what the other nuns said too. I think it's the cobbles".
    Last edited by Velobike; 07-22-2018 at 04:21 AM.
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  35. #635
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    A man went to his doctor and received some shocking news. "You have 24 hours to live, no less, no more. I suggest you see to your affairs spend you last hours your family."

    The man went home and told his wife the news. They hugged and wept and the man said, "Darling, I want to make the most of the time I have left with you. Let's get dressed up and paint the town red. Dinner, wine, a show, come home, drink more wine and make wild love until the wee hours like when we were young."

    She replied, "Well, that's easy for you to say, but I have get up in the morning".
    Use it, use it, use it while you still have it.

  36. #636
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    Quote Originally Posted by Gasp4Air View Post
    A man went to his doctor and received some shocking news. "You have 24 hours to live, no less, no more. I suggest you see to your affairs spend you last hours your family."

    The man went home and told his wife the news. They hugged and wept and the man said, "Darling, I want to make the most of the time I have left with you. Let's get dressed up and paint the town red. Dinner, wine, a show, come home, drink more wine and make wild love until the wee hours like when we were young."

    She replied, "Well, that's easy for you to say, but I have get up in the morning".
    Lolz. Great punchline!


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  37. #637
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    An old man goes into a restaurant and is seated. All the waitresses are gorgeous

    A particularly voluptuous waitress, wearing a very short skirt and legs that won’t quit, came to his table and asked if he was ready to order, "What would you like, sir?”

    He looks at the menu and then scans her beautiful frame, top to bottom, then answers, "A quickie."

    The waitress turns and walks away in disgust. After she regains her composure, she returns and asks again, "What would you like, sir?"

    Again the old man thoroughly checks her out and again answers, "A quickie, please

    This time her anger takes over; she reaches over and slaps him across the face with a resounding "SMACK!" and storms away

    A man sitting at the next table leans over and whispers, "Um, I think it’s pronounced 'quiche'."

  38. #638
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    50+ Joke Thread-kn0fpcc.jpg
    F*ck Cancer

    Eat your veggies

  39. #639
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    Quote Originally Posted by cyclelicious View Post
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    She married a guy who can't count or use Google. There are only 32 volumes.

  40. #640
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    I remember when...

    ATTACH=CONFIG]1210195[/ATTACH]
    Attached Thumbnails Attached Thumbnails 50+ Joke Thread-37905942_2214540852116853_6083596178627231744_n.jpg  

    F*ck Cancer

    Eat your veggies

  41. #641
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    Haha! When I was about 20 I had a phone with a really long wire so I could use it anywhere in the house. I always returned calls left on the answering machine while in the bathroom. It used to freak my friends out. Now, everyone does it.
    I was a pioneer.
    I like turtles

  42. #642
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    How do you know that your girlfriend is gaining weight?










    She fits into your wife's clothes.

  43. #643
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    Quote Originally Posted by NYrr496 View Post
    Haha! When I was about 20 I had a phone with a really long wire so I could use it anywhere in the house.
    Ha ha, I was the same. I moved into my own place when I was twenty-one and the phone cable could reach not just all over the house but to the back of the garden! Apparently the old dear who was in the house before me was paranoid and carried the phone around with her. Old dial phone, they really don't make them like that any more.

  44. #644
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    Thought this was a good spot for this.

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  45. #645
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    Quote Originally Posted by jcd46 View Post
    Thought this was a good spot for this.

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    Sold!

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  46. #646
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    F*ck Cancer

    Eat your veggies

  47. #647
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    Caution;  Merge;  Workers Ahead!

    To whom it may concern, i would like to make a formal complaint
    i read your jokes in the train and you make me look like an idiot
    i cannot stop laughing
    keep them coming

  48. #648
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    Quote Originally Posted by cyclelicious View Post
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    Reminds me of my doctor asking about Alcohol use. I always answer "Well, I drink more than you think I should but less than I'd like to. I'd say I'm an averaging drinker."

  49. #649
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    love the pearls

    50+ Joke Thread-39521808_10155353380735938_8241817008644030464_n.jpg
    F*ck Cancer

    Eat your veggies

  50. #650
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  51. #651
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    Idiot sightings:

    A co-worker went to a local Taco Bell and ordered a taco. She asked the person behind the counter for 'minimal lettuce.' He said he was sorry, but they only had iceberg lettuce.
    (I'm not sure who the idiot is here; the counter worker or the person going to Taco Bell)

    I was at the airport checking in when an airport employee asked, 'Has anyone put anything in your baggage without your knowledge?'
    To which I replied, 'If it was without my knowledge, how would I know?' He smiled knowingly and nodded, 'That's why we ask.'


    The stoplight on the corner buzzed while I was crossing with an intellectually challenged co-worker of mine. She asked if I knew what the buzzer was for. I explained that it signals blind people when the light is red. Appalled, she responded, 'What on earth are blind people doing driving?!'


    At a good-bye luncheon for an old and dear co-worker who was leaving the company due to 'downsizing,' our manager commented cheerfully, 'This is fun. We should do this more often.' Not another word was spoken. We all just looked at each other.

  52. #652
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    Over the last month I have become a victim of a clever scam while out shopping.

    Simply dropping into Walmart for a bit of shopping turned out to be quite an experience.

    Don't be naive enough to think it couldn't happen to you or your friends. Here's how the scam works.

    Two very good-looking 20-21 year-old girls of eastern European origin come over to your car as you are packing your shopping into the trunk.

    They both start cleaning your windscreen, their breasts almost falling out of their skimpy bikinis.

    When you thank them and offer them a tip, they'll say 'No' and instead they ask you for a lift to Target.

    You agree and they both get in the back seat, on the way there, they take off the bikinis.

    Then, when you pull over to look, one of them climbs over into the front seat and starts crawling all over your lap, kissing you, touching you and thrusting herself against you, while the other one steals your wallet!

    I had my wallet stolen on July 4th, 9th, 10th, twice on the 15th, 17th, 20th, 24th and 29th. Also on August 1st, 4th, 6th, 9th and 10th and twice yesterday.

    So please warn all the older guys you know to be on the lookout for this scam.

    The best times seem to be just before lunch and about 4:30 in the afternoon.

    P.S. Walmart has cheap wallets on sale for $3.99 each but other wallets are $3.75, they look better and come in packs of twelve!

    (sorry if this has already been posted)
    Just remember, once you're over the hill you begin to pick up speed.

  53. #653
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    Quote Originally Posted by PlantFetich View Post
    Over the last month I have become a victim of a clever scam while out shopping.

    Simply dropping into Walmart for a bit of shopping turned out to be quite an experience.

    Don't be naive enough to think it couldn't happen to you or your friends. Here's how the scam works.

    Two very good-looking 20-21 year-old girls of eastern European origin come over to your car as you are packing your shopping into the trunk.

    They both start cleaning your windscreen, their breasts almost falling out of their skimpy bikinis.

    When you thank them and offer them a tip, they'll say 'No' and instead they ask you for a lift to Target.

    You agree and they both get in the back seat, on the way there, they take off the bikinis.

    Then, when you pull over to look, one of them climbs over into the front seat and starts crawling all over your lap, kissing you, touching you and thrusting herself against you, while the other one steals your wallet!

    I had my wallet stolen on July 4th, 9th, 10th, twice on the 15th, 17th, 20th, 24th and 29th. Also on August 1st, 4th, 6th, 9th and 10th and twice yesterday.

    So please warn all the older guys you know to be on the lookout for this scam.

    The best times seem to be just before lunch and about 4:30 in the afternoon.

    P.S. Walmart has cheap wallets on sale for $3.99 each but other wallets are $3.75, they look better and come in packs of twelve!

    (sorry if this has already been posted)
    U r lucky, a plant lover like you can eat tons of vegies
    than you can become their food

  54. #654
    9 lives
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    His honey-do list just got significantly shorter.

    50+ Joke Thread-39760819_2315300431820528_8057812552324743168_n.jpg
    F*ck Cancer

    Eat your veggies

  55. #655
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    Quote Originally Posted by cyclelicious View Post
    His honey-do list just got significantly shorter.

    Click image for larger version. 

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    When we sold my father-in-law's home we had to do that to all the doors. My wife was freaking out because she couldn't figure out how I was going to get all the cuts done cleanly. A little help from clamps, a drywall t-square, a belt sander and some poly and we were all good. I should have done this, but by that point I'd already painted the house inside and out and remodeled both bathrooms. I guess if you're going to mess up, you gotta start early.

  56. #656
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    Quote Originally Posted by PlantFetich View Post
    Over the last month I have become a victim of a clever scam while out shopping.

    Simply dropping into Walmart for a bit of shopping turned out to be quite an experience.

    Don't be naive enough to think it couldn't happen to you or your friends. Here's how the scam works.

    Two very good-looking 20-21 year-old girls of eastern European origin come over to your car as you are packing your shopping into the trunk.

    They both start cleaning your windscreen, their breasts almost falling out of their skimpy bikinis.

    When you thank them and offer them a tip, they'll say 'No' and instead they ask you for a lift to Target.

    You agree and they both get in the back seat, on the way there, they take off the bikinis.

    Then, when you pull over to look, one of them climbs over into the front seat and starts crawling all over your lap, kissing you, touching you and thrusting herself against you, while the other one steals your wallet!

    I had my wallet stolen on July 4th, 9th, 10th, twice on the 15th, 17th, 20th, 24th and 29th. Also on August 1st, 4th, 6th, 9th and 10th and twice yesterday.

    So please warn all the older guys you know to be on the lookout for this scam.

    The best times seem to be just before lunch and about 4:30 in the afternoon.

    P.S. Walmart has cheap wallets on sale for $3.99 each but other wallets are $3.75, they look better and come in packs of twelve!

    (sorry if this has already been posted)
    Everybody is talking about sexual harassment. I'm still waiting that it will happen to #metoo.

  57. #657
    9 lives
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    50+ Joke Thread-jl51op6.jpg
    F*ck Cancer

    Eat your veggies

  58. #658
    turtles make me hot
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    Haha^^
    I like turtles

  59. #659
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    ^^That's me all the time anyway.^^

  60. #660
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    Photos that really need no caption but are begging for one: 50+ Joke Thread-fdf0682d-4573-40e8-ad7a-d0c551560fa0.jpg
    50+ Joke Thread-6e41b750-7d4f-4efc-9c96-fe47db4203ae.jpg

  61. #661
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    ^That will cause hemorrhoids you can't fix surgically."

  62. #662
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    My Favorite Animal

    My teacher asked what my favorite animal is and I said “Fried chicken.”

    She said I wasn’t funny, but she must have been wrong because everyone else laughed.

    My parents told me to always tell the true and I did. My dad said she was probably a member of PETA. He said they love animals very much.

    I do, too. I love chicken, pork and beef. Anyway, my teacher sent me to the principal’s office.

    I told him what happened and he laughed, too. Then he told me not to do it again.

    The next day in class my teacher asked me what my favorite live animal was. I told her it was chicken. She asked me why and I told her it was because you can make them into fried chicken.

    She sent me back to the principal’s office.

    He laughed and told me not to do it again.

    I don’t understand, my parents tell me to be honest, but my teacher doesn’t like it when I am.

    Today, my teacher asked me what famous military person I admired most.

    I said “Colonel Sanders.”

    Guess where the hell I am now…

  63. #663
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    ^We never had that problem with our school although my son was sent to the principal's office for asking for an apple in the lunch line. (He doesn't like fruit in syrup.) I was pretty dumbfounded when the principal explained why I had to leave work. I took my son to lunch and while we were out I had an attorney contact the superintendent of schools. We never had that issue again and the principal didn't return from Christmas break.^

  64. #664
    One ring to mash them all
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    Sorry if this is already in here, I did some searching and didn't see it. Usually told as a golfing joke.



    Two friends were gearing up for a morning MTB ride at their favorite trail. As they were about to ride off, a long funeral procession appeared on the road next to the trail head parking lot. One rider swung his leg off his bike, took off his helmet, closed his eyes, and bowed in prayer.

    After the procession had passed, his friend said: “Wow, that is the most thoughtful and touching thing I have ever seen. You truly are a kind man.”

    The first man replied: “Yeah, well we were married 35 years.”
    All Li es Matter

  65. #665
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    50+ Joke Thread-40058515_10215224445997900_2182043523254059008_n.jpg
    F*ck Cancer

    Eat your veggies

  66. #666
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    Quote Originally Posted by cyclelicious View Post
    Click image for larger version. 

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    photo/fly-fishing vests, only appropriate when accompanied by a fly rod or camera (if you're a journalist). Never okay in a restaurant or at a wedding (seriously, you see that crap in the midwest).

  67. #667
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    50+ Joke Thread-39948897_2077946162237880_2220448575354044416_n.jpg
    F*ck Cancer

    Eat your veggies

  68. #668
    Gnar? I didn't see it...
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    Quote Originally Posted by Mr Pig View Post
    Get ready dude, a world of weirdness comin' at'cha! Trump is going to win, he is going to be a terrible president but it will not be boring.
    Hahaha.

    Nice call, Pig.


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  69. #669
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    Quote Originally Posted by Wacha Wacha Wacha View Post
    Nice call, Pig.
    Have to be honest, while I don't like the man I must admit I like a lot of the things he's doing and he's far from the worst president you've ever had.

  70. #670
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    Now, now, this is no place for politics, no matter how funny the politics.

    Quote Originally Posted by Mr Pig View Post
    Have to be honest, while I don't like the man I must admit I like a lot of the things he's doing and he's far from the worst president you've ever had.
    Lrg GG Pedalhead 29/27+
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  71. #671
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    Quote Originally Posted by Nurse Ben View Post
    Now, now, this is no place for politics, no matter how funny the politics.
    OK boss.

  72. #672
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    Quote Originally Posted by Mr Pig View Post
    OK boss.
    Can't we all just hate each other?
    Use it, use it, use it while you still have it.

  73. #673
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    F*ck Cancer

    Eat your veggies

  74. #674
    Cycologist
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    Quote Originally Posted by Gasp4Air View Post
    Can't we all just hate each other?
    I thought we said this is no place for politics.
    Quote Originally Posted by Oh My Sack! View Post
    Remember, there's always quilting and knitting if pedalling becomes too tough.

  75. #675
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    Deleted. This is supposed to be a joke thread after all.
    Use it, use it, use it while you still have it.

  76. #676
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    Quote Originally Posted by cyclelicious View Post
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    Lol.


    Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

  77. #677
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    50+ Joke Thread-40325497_10217158434856154_6029771644178792448_n.jpg
    F*ck Cancer

    Eat your veggies

  78. #678
    turtles make me hot
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    Haha!! I always wonder about that when I see those guys. ^^^
    I like turtles

  79. #679
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    I tell my patients (teens) that anything they think is cool now (tats, piercings, gauges), they should try to imagine on their parents or grandparents cuz that’s what they’ll look like someday.

    I am proud to say that I do not have a single tat on my body

    [QUOTE=NYrr496;13797727]Haha!! I always wonder about that when I see those guys. ^^^[/QUO
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  80. #680
    Bikesexual
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    Sent from my LGMS210 using Tapatalk
    The Orange Fleet:

    '16 SC Heckler
    '14 All City MMD
    '12 Kona Unit Rigid

  81. #681
    9 lives
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    50+ Joke Thread-39221438_10215041794511580_5870691428539039744_n.jpg
    F*ck Cancer

    Eat your veggies

  82. #682
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    True

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  83. #683
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    Quote Originally Posted by 2old View Post
    True

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    What makes you think that is funny? Kapernieck is guaranteed the right to peaceful protest by the Constitution, the same way that you are guaranteed the right to express your insipid opinion of his behavior.

    CK has more courage for publicly standing up for what he believes in than any of the ignorant haters that simply choose to ignore that the prevalence of racism in this country is a cancer.
    Bicycles don't have motors.

  84. #684
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    Quote Originally Posted by mileslong View Post
    CK has more courage for publicly standing up for what he believes in than any of the ignorant haters that simply choose to ignore that the prevalence of racism in this country is a cancer.
    In what way is denigrating your national anthem advancing the cause of racism? Are you trying to say that the whole of America is racist? That's a foolish and insulting position.

    Individuals are racist, and thankfully not too many of them these days, but the whole country? Don't be stupid.

  85. #685
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    Quote Originally Posted by Mr Pig View Post
    In what way is denigrating your national anthem advancing the cause of racism? Are you trying to say that the whole of America is racist? That's a foolish and insulting position.

    Individuals are racist, and thankfully not too many of them these days, but the whole country? Don't be stupid.
    I see this thread getting canned soon if this discussion continues, and I'd hate to see that happen. I will withhold my own opinion on this matter, and urge others to leave it be as well, at least in this this thread. Start a new thread to further the discussion.

    PS - I also urge folks to keep postings in this thread non-political and non-controversial - it's supposed to be about jokes, not rancor and ax grinding.
    Use it, use it, use it while you still have it.

  86. #686
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    Quote Originally Posted by mileslong View Post
    What makes you think that is funny? Kapernieck is guaranteed the right to peaceful protest by the Constitution, the same way that you are guaranteed the right to express your insipid opinion of his behavior.
    You posted your opinion about 2olds post, he posted something he finds funny, all part of the same First Ammendment Right. He apparently doesn't support Kapernieck and you don't support him. Sounds pretty even at this point. Personally, I think Kapernieck can do whatever he wants (within the law regarding free speech) and people can support him or boycott Nike and/or the NFL as they choose. That's the deal with free speech, you can have differing opinions and you're still covered. At least that's how it worked for my 33 years of military service.

  87. #687
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    ,,,,, it's supposed to be about jokes, ,,,,,,,
    please express opinions elsewhere

    a bit of respect for the OP who started a great thread.
    i go biking by train(no car)
    and i read here on the train
    Thanks all !!!

  88. #688
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    Quote Originally Posted by Mr Pig View Post
    In what way is denigrating your national anthem advancing the cause of racism? Are you trying to say that the whole of America is racist? That's a foolish and insulting position.

    Individuals are racist, and thankfully not too many of them these days, but the whole country? Don't be stupid.

    He has a platform and he is trying to draw attention to an issue he is passionate about in a respectful, understated way. There's a pretty decent definition of what freedom of speech should mean in America in there somewhere. And racism can come from an individual, yes, but it can also come from an organization (which is made up of individuals), it can be inherent in a system, a law, a policy or an organization.

  89. #689
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    I was at the hospital last week and ran into one of my dads old friends. Must have been close to 80. He was all dressed and sitting on the bed with a suitcase at his feet and a wheelchair by his bed. I talked to him a bit and he mentioned he was waiting for the nurse and was going to leave. I asked him if I could help him into the wheelchair and bring him downstairs (I am a physician). He said sure but I should make it fast. I brought him downstairs and on the way I asked him how he was getting home. He said that he was driving. I said he should not drive alone and responded by saying he was not alone, his wife was with him. Not seeing his wife, I asked him if his wife was meeting him downstairs. "I don't know," he said. "She's still upstairs in the bathroom changing out of her hospital gown and that he was not sure how she would make it downstairs without the wheelchair!"

    ps. I neg repped people not making jokes in this thread.
    On MTBR, the reputation is infamous.

  90. #690
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    ,,,ps. I neg repped people not making jokes in this thread.

    so will i. Thanks for the joke and the idea

  91. #691
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    Fair enough-I assume you'll also neg-rep the individual that posted what he HAD to know would be a controversial image? Fair's fair.

  92. #692
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    Some of us.....

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  93. #693
    Formerly of Kent
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    50+ Joke Thread

    Quote Originally Posted by 2old View Post
    Some of us.....

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    They make my work boots.

    Going to get another pair next week.


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    Death from Below.

  94. #694
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    F*ck Cancer

    Eat your veggies

  95. #695
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    Poof!

    Now you’ve gone and done it
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  96. #696
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    Quote Originally Posted by Nurse Ben View Post
    Poof!

    Now you’ve gone and done it
    Could have been a dead man, that's worse most days.

  97. #697
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    The golden years I would rather burn out than rust

    50+ Joke Thread-41443762_2306650666017166_8577828930323480576_n.jpg
    F*ck Cancer

    Eat your veggies

  98. #698
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    Quote Originally Posted by cyclelicious View Post
    The golden years I would rather burn out than rust

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    I might get neg repped again for not posting a joke but here's my take. We had a cyclist killed a year ago while training for gravel racing. The guy that killed him was drunk and is still pending trial and could face 20 years. I read a post from one of his friends discussing the senselessness of that death and the danger we face when riding on the road. My take (and point related to your cartoon) is that can either accept some risk while riding or the certainty of poor health and early death by not exercising and eating properly. Personally, I would prefer to pass doing something I love than by letting my health deteriorate from inactivity. Plus, statistically I've already had my major car v. car crash and car v. bike accident, so there's that.

  99. #699
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    Quote Originally Posted by cyclelicious View Post
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    So my father in law is an 88 year old horn dog. His wife died almost 15 years ago and about 10 years ago, got back in the game. He is always looking to get another women. He can drive and he can dance, two things that he finds older women like in a man. But he has a bad habit of of grabbing their butts when he dances. Some of them get angry and I have told him he should not do that - that it is basically sexual harassment. About 2 weeks ago, my son took him to the senior center for a dance (to keep him in check) and he saw my father get slapped once and pushed away 3 times. The last person my father danced with let him grab their butt and dance really close. My father was all excited and came back to my son and said that the person he was dancing with was not pretty but seemed willing to go further. My son then explained that the person he was dancing with was actually an older man. My father in law was rather disappointed.

    Not a traditional joke but funny none the less (to me at least!).
    On MTBR, the reputation is infamous.

  100. #700
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    Be like the bozo....

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