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Thread: 50+ Joke Thread

  1. #1101
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    Quote Originally Posted by be1 View Post
    Husband asked his wife "Why don't you tell me when you orgasm?".........She replied, "Because you told me not to call you at work."
    And... What are the 3 little words a woman hates to hear her husband say while making love?


    "Honey, I'm home"
    Use it, use it, use it while you still have it.

  2. #1102
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    Quote Originally Posted by fokof View Post
    As a bass player , i must:
    I'm a bass player too!
    Riding Washington State singletrack since 1986

  3. #1103
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    Not really a joke, per se', but I crack up every time I think about it. About 30 years ago, I used to have a boss who would tell me that one day, I would cherish bowel movements. When he said that, I would roll my eyes and think, "WTF"?

    But he was right. That is the 3rd best feeling in the world. The 2nd best is when you really, really have to pee, and you are finally able to, right before you might have wet your pants.

    We all know what the very best feeling in the world is.

    But the 2nd and 3rd best feelings in the world are such a feeling of relief, when we get old. Ain't nuthin' like taking a good dump. lol

  4. #1104
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    ^^^ That reminds me of a pearl of wisdom I read some 35 years ago on the bathroom wall in the library at college:

    "There is nothing more overrated than a lousy f*!ck and nothing more underrated than a good schitt." That's hard to argue.

  5. #1105
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  6. #1106
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  7. #1107
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    50+ Joke Thread-unnamed-13.jpg

  8. #1108
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    50+ Joke Thread-unnamed-10.jpg

  9. #1109
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    50+ Joke Thread-6image001-1.jpg

  10. #1110
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    Ill up that: a really good dump and minimal wiping.

    Fiber and hydration, keeps you solid and regular

    Quote Originally Posted by BlueCheesehead View Post
    ^^^ That reminds me of a pearl of wisdom I read some 35 years ago on the bathroom wall in the library at college:

    "There is nothing more overrated than a lousy f*!ck and nothing more underrated than a good schitt." That's hard to argue.
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  11. #1111
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  12. #1112
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    50+ Joke Thread-57451197_2143592565756855_6481670364848979968_n.jpg
    F*ck Cancer

    Eat your veggies

  13. #1113
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  14. #1114
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    50+ Joke Thread-57486363_10215677632908097_8683175690591272960_n.jpg
    F*ck Cancer

    Eat your veggies

  15. #1115
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  16. #1116
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    Quote Originally Posted by Nurse Ben View Post
    Ill up that: a really good dump and minimal wiping.
    Oh yeah - I forgot to include the part about minimal wiping. Very true.

    And along those lines, for those days we aren't so fortunate, and especially on the days after eating way too many jalapenos the day before, medicated wipes are the greatest product ever invented. As they say, "Life is like a jar of jalapenos. What you do today may really burn your ass tomorrow".
    The road of life is paved with flattened squirrels that could not figure out which direction to go. Sucks to be them.

  17. #1117
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    50+ Joke Thread-57434181_10216901742129255_6414630920405385216_n.jpg
    F*ck Cancer

    Eat your veggies

  18. #1118
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    50+ Joke Thread-57605266_2259792234108744_100265105287020544_n.jpg
    F*ck Cancer

    Eat your veggies

  19. #1119
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    50+ Joke Thread-58114928_2742261772502537_2651789744299573248_n.jpg
    F*ck Cancer

    Eat your veggies

  20. #1120
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    Quote Originally Posted by cyclelicious View Post
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    Ah, youth. There's always crap, Emma. Always.

  21. #1121
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  22. #1122
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    50+ Joke Thread-59837824_2173845932731518_5271682660572332032_n.jpg
    F*ck Cancer

    Eat your veggies

  23. #1123
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    DEAR ABBY was at a loss to answer these:

    Dear Abby,
    A couple of women moved in across the hall from me. One is a middle-aged gym teacher and the other is a social worker in her mid-twenties. These two women go everywhere together, and I've never seen a man go into or leave their apartment. Do you think they could be Lebanese?

    Dear Abby,
    What can I do about all the Sex, Nudity, Fowl Language and Violence on my VCR?

    Dear Abby,
    I am a twenty-three year old liberated woman who has been on the pill for two years. It's getting expensive and I think my boyfriend should share half the cost, but I don't know him well enough to discuss money with him.

    Dear Abby,
    I've suspected that my husband has been fooling around, and when confronted with the evidence, he denied everything and said it would never happen again.

    Dear Abby,
    Our son writes that he is taking Judo. Why would a boy who was raised in a good Christian home turn against his own?

    Dear Abby,
    I joined the Navy to see the world. I've seen it. Now how do I get out?

    Dear Abby,
    My forty year old son has been paying a psychiatrist $50.00 an hour every week for two and a half years. He must be crazy.

    Dear Abby,
    My mother is mean and short tempered I think she is going through mental pause.

    Dear Abby,
    You told some woman whose husband had lost all interest in sex to send him to a doctor. Well, my husband lost all interest in sex and he is a doctor. Now what do I do?

    Dear Abby,
    I have a man I can't trust. He cheats so much, I'm not even sure the baby I'm carrying is his.

  24. #1124
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    Quote Originally Posted by Curveball View Post
    I'm a bass player too!
    I don't get it.
    Hogan Lake blog. A section of Hogan Lake trails here.

  25. #1125
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    A dying man declares he wants to take it with him, and gives his attorney a briefcase with $20 million in cash with instructions to put it in his casket.

    On the appointed day and in front of witnesses, the attorney lays the briefcase to rest in the casket.

    Afterwards, the attorney's friends ask him, "Did you really put $20 million in the casket?"

    "Of course!" replied the attorney. "I wrote him a check for the entire amount."
    Last edited by chazpat; 2 Weeks Ago at 05:54 AM.
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  26. #1126
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    Yesterday i heard a good one...
    chatting with a new neighbor, i asked her,
    what do you enjoy, sports, the arts??
    she answered, when i was young i did more sports...
    she is 22 YO

  27. #1127
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    A dying man decides he wants a fabulous funeral. In his will he dictates that his wife must spend $40,000 for the casket, service, and the monument to celebrate his passing into the next life. His wife was distressed at his death but proceeded to follow his wishes.

    At the wake after a very nice ceremony one of her friends asked her, "Did you really spend the whole $40,000?"

    "I did" she said, "the monument was the most expensive part, though."

    "What monument?" her friend asked.

    "Well, the best kind, of course. It's a 3 carat diamond ring." As she holds out her hand and shows off her new ring. "I'll always think of him when I wear it."

  28. #1128
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  29. #1129
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    You might have to be a wee bit Scottish to get this one...

    Name:  60105988_10157321427278872_5418080628060979200_n.jpg
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    As little bike as possible, as silent as possible.
    Latitude: 5736' Highlands, Scotland

  30. #1130
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    Quote Originally Posted by Velobike View Post
    You might have to be a wee bit Scottish to get this one...

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    As an Aussie l get it
    always mad and usually drunk......

  31. #1131
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    Clue: Tattoo has 2 meanings.

    Got it - Strangled cats.

    Eric
    If I don't make an attempt, how will I know if it will work?

  32. #1132
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    50+ Joke Thread-60344009_10217265321858859_8479737709848428544_n.jpg
    F*ck Cancer

    Eat your veggies

  33. #1133
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    Quote Originally Posted by cyclelicious View Post
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    What's the 4th one? Got the spaceship dude, the eyeball and the bird.
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  34. #1134
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    a crown (the Crown of Power).


  35. #1135
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    50+ Joke Thread-60342383_930200730657847_7208557072474963968_n.jpg
    As little bike as possible, as silent as possible.
    Latitude: 5736' Highlands, Scotland

  36. #1136
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    50+ Joke Thread-59626954_1132249630308139_4231915135985254400_n.jpg
    As little bike as possible, as silent as possible.
    Latitude: 5736' Highlands, Scotland

  37. #1137
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    F*ck Cancer

    Eat your veggies

  38. #1138
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    Quote Originally Posted by cyclelicious View Post
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    Hence the concept of keeping your mouth shut when interacting with someone who knows you as well as you know yourself

    ... of course I'm not really good at that, which keeps things interesting.
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  39. #1139
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    Quote Originally Posted by Nurse Ben View Post
    Hence the concept of keeping your mouth shut when interacting with someone who knows you as well as you know yourself

    ... of course I'm not really good at that, which keeps things interesting.
    I do my best, but its still wrong
    always mad and usually drunk......

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