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Thread: I need help

  1. #1
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    I need help

    Hi all. This is not really my first post here. I usually post under a different name,and I feel a sense of community on here. I need some help.
    I found out yesterday that my wife has been unfaithful. It only happened a few times, all with the same guy (I know him, but not well). I’m gutted. I don’t know what to do, I've been walking around in such a daze that even my kids know something’s wrong (yeh, 2 kids under 8). I haven't slept since I found out. or eaten.
    I’m not proud of how I found out (think Tiger Woods), but I had been getting suspicious, as she was growing distant and coming home (really) late from running club.
    If anyone has been through this and wants to send me a PM, I’d really appreciate it.
    I’m still working out whether I can talk to any family or friends, so I kind of need you virtual aquaintances now.

  2. #2
    humber river advocate
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    it's done, get a good lawyer, follow their advice. buy a new bike while you still can...
    broadcasting from
    "the vinyl basement"

    build trail!

  3. #3
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    Quote Originally Posted by singlesprocket
    it's done, get a good lawyer, follow their advice. buy a new bike while you still can...
    I'm not ready for that yet. Only been 24 hours, no sleep, lots of taking.
    I want to hear we can survive it.

  4. #4
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    Quote Originally Posted by singlesprocket
    it's done, get a good lawyer, follow their advice. buy a new bike while you still can...
    I'm not ready for that yet. Only been 24 hours, no sleep, lots of talking.
    I want to hear we can survive it.

  5. #5
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    once a cheater always a cheater, I agree with singlesprocket. Take action

  6. #6
    humber river advocate
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    your in denial, you have to start building your case right now. talk to a lawyer today.
    and my last bit of advice, don't talk about this on a open forum...
    broadcasting from
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    build trail!

  7. #7
    Ms. Monster
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    My only piece of advice: don't take advice from the internet. I'm not referring specifically to the advice already posted; this is a general statement.

    Here's my advice (heh) - go for a bike ride and clear your head.

  8. #8
    Evil Jr.
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    Whoa, this is a lot heavier topic than I bargained for this morning.

    I'm not sure I'm equipped to offer advice but you have my sympathy. That sounds devastating.
    Please enjoy seeing this terrible collection of me - something wonderful is about to happy.

  9. #9
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    Really only looking for confidential (I promise) PMs from anyone who has experience wishing to share. If you haven't been through it (not that i can tell from your posts I guess), no offense, but I don't want advice, although I DO appreciate the kind words and sympathy.

  10. #10
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    You are the second person in my sphere in the past 24 hours who has had something like this happen to them. I do not know your situation, but if it is anything like the other person I know to whom it happened, you have my deepest sympathies - it must be absolutely devastating.

    I don't think glib advice like "dump her/him [I don't know your gender or your partner's gender], he/she is a cheater" is going to really be of help to you here. Only you know what you really want, and it will probably take some time for you to figure that out. My advice is take the time, and then go from there.

    I know a couple who reconciled after something this, with a lot of counselling, so it is possible but it is not an easy road. The only advice I have in that regard is to consider whether your partner's actions were a symptom of something else that can be addressed. I'm only scratching the surface here, I know...

    If you do decide to talk to a lawyer (and you should, just to be aware of what your rights are, and the ramifications of separating), speak to someone that specializes in family and matrimonial law. If you need a referral (I am a lawyer, but do not practice any family law), pm me and I will refer you to someone whose abilities I trust and respect.

    Similarly, if there is anyone else out there on this thread that is a counsellor, knows a counsellor, or can refer our friend to someone else they think can help, perhaps they could post and make that known so our friend can pm them for more info.

    Can I end this post by asking others viewing this thread to exercise a little sensitivity when posting - the last thing we need is for this to degenerate into a discussion about zip ties, winter shoes, drop seat posts or people in sausage suits.

    Hang in there....
    Strava made me do it....

  11. #11
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    Unglued, Nerdgirl and garage monster...Thank you. This is why I took the risk of posting on here (warning noted, singlesprocket). Although I don't really know any of you, I feel like I do, and there are those on here whose opinions I respect. fwiw, there are hundreds of forums devoted to infidelity, ranging from overly religious to disturbingly angry. I found this out about 4am, during my 22nd consecutive waking hour. I did find some good info, but I don't know, I guess I just wanted to talk to "friends"...

    Unglued, Thank you for your comments about cause, conselling and sensitivity. Not thinking lawyer yet.
    Nerdgirl - good advice about a ride, but I have to wait until I can eat and sleep first. And its a little early in the season for a double century.

  12. #12
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    Your subject heading "I need help" is a loaded statement and will be interpreted as such. If you are asking for help from virtual friends... good luck. If you need to vent then talk to a real life person. If you are seeking guidance as to what to do next then speak to a real life professional.

  13. #13
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    Quote Originally Posted by cyclelicious
    Your subject heading "I need help" is a loaded statement and will be interpreted as such. If you are asking for help from virtual friends... good luck. If you need to vent then talk to a real life person. If you are seeking guidance as to what to do next then speak to a real life professional.
    My virtual friends have helped already (several good PMs). I am setting up a counselling session later today. I am not ready to talk to any real life friend or family member.

    I do need help. I think anyone in this situation does. It has changed who I thought I was and what I thought I had. From my "virtual" friends, I have learned that I am feeling completely normal, that it may or may not get better, that the timelines are long, and they have given me some advice to ponder (but not necessarily agree on and take).

    Your advice is also appreciated. Thanks.

    I just ate a granola bar (first food in 27 hours). I wonder if I'll ever sleep again.

  14. #14
    Evil Jr.
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    Since I joined MTBR, a lot of the "virtual" friends I've made have turned into "real" friends and it's been a lot of fun. There are some really solid people in this forum. You could do a lot worse out there on the internet...
    Please enjoy seeing this terrible collection of me - something wonderful is about to happy.

  15. #15
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    Quote Originally Posted by garage monster
    Since I joined MTBR, a lot of the "virtual" friends I've made have turned into "real" friends and it's been a lot of fun. There are some really solid people in this forum. You could do a lot worse out there on the internet...
    Exactly why I came here. I do hope to meet some of you, but I will probably introduce myself by my regular screen name (and for the love of all that is good...please NO GUESSING!) omg, I hope nobody is doing that.

  16. #16
    Evil Jr.
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    Quote Originally Posted by an alter id
    I do hope to meet some of you, but I will probably introduce myself by my regular screen name.
    It's actually quite funny how often this happens. The script is almost always the same. "You're Garage Monster, right? I'm _insert screen name here_!"

    Let me tell you, it never gets old.
    Please enjoy seeing this terrible collection of me - something wonderful is about to happy.

  17. #17
    Ms. Monster
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    Quote Originally Posted by garage monster
    It's actually quite funny how often this happens. The script is almost always the same. "You're Garage Monster, right? I'm _insert screen name here_!"

    Let me tell you, it never gets old.
    I actually still find it a little odd. Most recently, it was, "You're Mrs. Monster, right? I lurk."

  18. #18
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    I promise I'll call you Nerdgirl , and the real me (who I'd introduce myself as) isn't a lurker.

  19. #19
    Ms. Monster
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    Quote Originally Posted by Nerdgirl
    I actually still find it a little odd. Most recently, it was, "You're Mrs. Monster, right? I lurk."
    I re-read this, and it sounded creepier than it was. It was a very nice woman at the ladies weekend, who wasn't strange at all. But it seemed a little one sided! More posting, lurkers! I imagine it's the same for people who hear "I read you blog". My only problem with meeting people IRL is that it can sometimes take me a while to remember their real name!

  20. #20
    Evil Jr.
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    It gets really hilarious when you can't remember who's met whom. At the Ganaraska marathon, I was like an MTBR ambassador. "osokolo, meet the thedumbopinion. oh, and her over there, that's racergurl..."
    Please enjoy seeing this terrible collection of me - something wonderful is about to happy.

  21. #21
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    Not to hijack the thread, but I believe I've met many of you (and many others) this year and last with just such introductions whether at Joyride, Ganaraska, Good Friday, Hardwood Challenge..

    I can see why the OP chose us. Wish I could help.

  22. #22
    humber river advocate
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    Quote Originally Posted by an alter id
    My virtual friends have helped already (several good PMs). I am setting up a counselling session later today. I am not ready to talk to any real life friend or family member.

    I do need help. I think anyone in this situation does. It has changed who I thought I was and what I thought I had. From my "virtual" friends, I have learned that I am feeling completely normal, that it may or may not get better, that the timelines are long, and they have given me some advice to ponder (but not necessarily agree on and take).

    Your advice is also appreciated. Thanks.

    I just ate a granola bar (first food in 27 hours). I wonder if I'll ever sleep again.
    I forgot to add... You should also go to your doctor, you might need some meds. It will help you sleep/eat etc...

    now don't take what i'm saying the wrong way or as to harsh. i've know personally of what
    your situation entails. i've been a single dad with full custody for 12 years.

    the quicker you start dealing with the reality of the situation the better off you will be and your children.
    broadcasting from
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    build trail!

  23. #23
    Evil Jr.
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    Quote Originally Posted by HSCoach2
    I can see why the OP chose us.
    A lot of good can come from this place. Unlike a lot of forums where people seem to be in a constant rush to "out clever" one another for no purpose other than an ego boost, there are a lot of friends here that have demonstrated tremendous passion towards our common pastime.

    I'm reminded of the cold January night the group of us from here met to form what is now the MTB half of the Hamilton Club. At introductions, we all went around the room and gave our real and screen names. It was so funny... and in the end ridiculously productive!
    Please enjoy seeing this terrible collection of me - something wonderful is about to happy.

  24. #24
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    Quote Originally Posted by Nerdgirl
    Here's my advice (heh) - go for a bike ride and clear your head.

    ^^This.

    Only other thing is to not make any decisions that are emotional.

  25. #25
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    Quote Originally Posted by an alter id
    Hi all. This is not really my first post here. I usually post under a different name,and I feel a sense of community on here. I need some help.
    I found out yesterday that my wife has been unfaithful. It only happened a few times, all with the same guy (I know him, but not well). I’m gutted. I don’t know what to do, I've been walking around in such a daze that even my kids know something’s wrong (yeh, 2 kids under 8). I haven't slept since I found out. or eaten.
    I’m not proud of how I found out (think Tiger Woods), but I had been getting suspicious, as she was growing distant and coming home (really) late from running club.
    If anyone has been through this and wants to send me a PM, I’d really appreciate it.
    I’m still working out whether I can talk to any family or friends, so I kind of need you virtual aquaintances now.
    You must talk to family and friends about this, especially your family (parents, siblings, grandparents, etc.). Use your best allies first. Internet advice is not good for something serious like this.
    SUCCESS - To be able to spend life in your own way

  26. #26
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    Quote Originally Posted by Ricksom
    You must talk to family and friends about this, especially your family (parents, siblings, grandparents, etc.). Use your best allies first. Internet advice is not good for something serious like this.
    therein lies the problem with family.
    they WILL side, probably with you.

    in the event they choose to reconcile, what he shares with family now WILL remain an issue later.

    impartial third party. someone who's qualified.

    avoid drugs (to sleep or otherwise), steer clear of drinking, be healthy...basically stay in control and don't lose your shite, at least for the time being.

    once things settle a little, you'll know what you want to do.
    then talk. to her.
    like it or not, you aren't going to decide to stick it out alone...it takes two.
    Expert of the Internet.
    BECAUSE I SAID SO

  27. #27
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    Quote Originally Posted by nogearshere
    therein lies the problem with family.
    they WILL side, probably with you.

    in the event they choose to reconcile, what he shares with family now WILL remain an issue later.

    impartial third party. someone who's qualified.

    avoid drugs (to sleep or otherwise), steer clear of drinking, be healthy...basically stay in control and don't lose your shite, at least for the time being.

    once things settle a little, you'll know what you want to do.
    then talk. to her.
    like it or not, you aren't going to decide to stick it out alone...it takes two.
    Well, the first reaction one must overcome is the sense of being alone with no one left to care about you. Depression, anxiety, and paranoia soon follow. Importance of comforting from loved ones is usually overlooked, as help from professionals is still help from strangers who only guide you to make your own decisions anyway.
    I say first get support and comforting, then go for reconciliation and solutions. Nothing gets accomplished if you are a basket case too weak to confront your spouse. The balance of power in a relationship almost always goes heavily to the person doing the cheating.
    SUCCESS - To be able to spend life in your own way

  28. #28
    Evil Jr.
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    All the same, when someone asks for your help, you throw them a rope. Clearly, he knows what we're all about here and maybe we can at least provide a distraction.
    Please enjoy seeing this terrible collection of me - something wonderful is about to happy.

  29. #29
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    only you can decide if it's something you can work through or not. some people have one 'get out of jail free' card and some have zero tolerance. is it worth breaking up a family over? maybe. maybe not. again, your values may differ. look into some over the counter sleep aids for now and try to eat. no sleep and no eating will not help anything at all.

  30. #30
    humber river advocate
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    my neighbor next door slipped into a depression as his relationship ended (he had two kids)... he commited suicide... i suggest you see a doctor and follow the prescribed therapy...
    broadcasting from
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    build trail!

  31. #31
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    Quote Originally Posted by singlesprocket
    my neighbor next door slipped into a depression as his relationship ended (he had two kids)... he commited suicide... i suggest you see a doctor and follow the prescribed therapy...
    this is why internet based advice is dangerous.

    your md does not know his/her way around your grey matter.
    seek qualified help. not the local him and haw prescript writer.

    Studies show that 74% of people seeking help for depression will first go to their primary care physician. Of these cases, as many as 50% are misdiagnosed. Even of the cases that are correctly diagnosed, 80% are given too little medication for too short a time.
    i'm not suggesting you are or will be depressed.
    if you stay clean and stay clear, you'll know if and when to seek help.
    Expert of the Internet.
    BECAUSE I SAID SO

  32. #32
    Evil Jr.
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    This is no place for armchair analysis. If it were me, I'd probably be on an all-Scotch diet for a week but that's horrible advice.

    I get why he wants to go somewhere he can be nobody for a day or two: no baggage and no strings.
    Please enjoy seeing this terrible collection of me - something wonderful is about to happy.

  33. #33
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    Hmm.

    Excellent challenge for the "Eastern Canada" forum.

    I usually enjoy many of SingleSprocket's posts, especially like his pictures(of food), but here I feel like his seatpost has slipped. Don't go begging for a Rx.

    Nogears, typically a dispstick, hit the nail on the head. Stay clear of booze or drugs (unless medically prescribed).

    As to medical attention, counselling should be an excellent idea. I think this forum has a place too as you don't seem to want to bring friends into it. Myself, I'd be a talker...

    When I moved to Ontario I was dating another East Coaster who was doing a medical residency at McMaster. When we broke up it was difficult, not so much the losing her, but the loss of constant companionship. Out East I managed a night club and also loosely managed the night club my rugby team owned. I was continuously surrounded by friends and partially dressed women. The initial breakup was hard, I hardly knew anyone, but soon I ran a half-marathon (in an 1:50!) and was dating many, many women simultaneously. Soon thereafter I returned to quality, not quantity, and my present Wife NOT to imply there will be future ones!) is phenomenal.

    Stay strong. Don't be afraid to reach out to people...

    Oh yeah, ride your bike.
    "I love being on a bike. It helps me feel free. I get it from my dad", by Guillaume Blanchet

  34. #34
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    Quote Originally Posted by nogearshere
    therein lies the problem with family.
    they WILL side, probably with you.

    in the event they choose to reconcile, what he shares with family now WILL remain an issue later.

    impartial third party. someone who's qualified.

    avoid drugs (to sleep or otherwise), steer clear of drinking, be healthy...basically stay in control and don't lose your shite, at least for the time being.

    once things settle a little, you'll know what you want to do.
    then talk. to her.
    like it or not, you aren't going to decide to stick it out alone...it takes two.
    ^^This.

    And since this has not been mentioned. This whole thing is a discussion between adults. Don't drag the kids any further into what is essentially adult shite. Whenever you decide to discuss this stuff it's between the adults. To many parents drag their kids into adult crap. And don't use kids as weapons against the other adult- see the results of that once to often.

  35. #35
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    Quote Originally Posted by garage monster

    I get why he wants to go somewhere he can be nobody for a day or two: no baggage and no strings.

    Best suggestion. Go hang and ride for a day at Joyride 150. Every time I have been met someone new and you end up simply talking to others as well.

    From a mental health stand point for me places like Joyride do far more then anything else.

  36. #36
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    +1 to Joyride Enduramil, and we will leave the kids out of it, guaranteed.
    Who are you calling a nobody gm; what about my fragile self-esteem?
    sprocket - Those thoughts never entered into my mind
    no prescriptions or otc sleep-aids yet, 2 beers yesterday, not a time to develop an expensive taste for scotch...
    You bunch are a good distraction. Thanks. Hey I just ate something too.
    Check to make sure I didn't actuall logon under my usual name, and....submit

  37. #37
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    your md is your primary care giver and from there you can be refered to a specialist. this is the easiest access.
    broadcasting from
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    build trail!

  38. #38
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    Quote Originally Posted by singlesprocket
    your md is your primary care giver and from there you can be refered to a specialist. this is the easiest access.
    Thanks, but I don't see medication as part of it. Never say never though, we'll see if I sleep tonight. Maybe its just good training for a 24 hour solo.

  39. #39
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    Quote Originally Posted by an alter id
    Thanks, but I don't see medication as part of it. Never say never though, we'll see if I sleep tonight. Maybe its just good training for a 24 hour solo.
    ADD related but there is some truth in points made.

    http://www.bicycling.com/news/featur...ing-my-ritalin

  40. #40
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    Quote Originally Posted by Nerdgirl
    I re-read this, and it sounded creepier than it was. It was a very nice woman at the ladies weekend, who wasn't strange at all. But it seemed a little one sided! More posting, lurkers! I imagine it's the same for people who hear "I read you blog". My only problem with meeting people IRL is that it can sometimes take me a while to remember their real name!
    I think you have a lurker phobia

  41. #41
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    Quote Originally Posted by garage monster
    Since I joined MTBR, a lot of the "virtual" friends I've made have turned into "real" friends and it's been a lot of fun. There are some really solid people in this forum. You could do a lot worse out there on the internet...
    there have been times where I think half the people on here need help.
    but i think when it comes to times of crisis ,pretty well anyone here would be willing to help.
    some in different ways than others.

  42. #42
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    Quote Originally Posted by trailtrash
    there have been times where I think half the people on here need help.
    The problem is not that people need help. The problem is we have long lost the ability to accept others for who they are. Now days we see far to often people going after those who do not fit into this image of so called society we have.

  43. #43
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    Quote Originally Posted by Enduramil
    The problem is not that people need help. The problem is we have long lost the ability to accept others for who they are. Now days we see far to often people going after those who do not fit into this image of so called society we have.
    just check out the thread " nanny state strikes again "
    thats what i'm talkin about.

  44. #44
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    as most of the times - but not always, nice summary sir. Between noggs, gm even endura - good advices. Definitely stay away from booze, drugs and beating yourself in the head... Lonely long nights, doing nothing but thinking what if etc - will not help... Good way to talk to people here, about nothing if possible and not taking any of these advices too seriously... Because what works for others, may not work for you and the other way around...

    Things will work out this way or another, but we have to get out with as little scars as possible. Reach out to your friends, not necessarily family, but friends. REAL FRIENDS. That is a good start...

    Even virtual friends are... friends...

    Be strong!

  45. #45
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    and if we ever find out that you are pulling our finger - AND we find out who you really are - you will never see the end of it - i promise...

    the good thing is - it doesn't get much worse than you feel right now...

  46. #46
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    Quote Originally Posted by osokolo
    . Reach out to your friends, not necessarily family, but friends. REAL FRIENDS. That is a good start...

    Even virtual friends are... friends...

    Be strong!
    good advice

  47. #47
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    Very sorry to hear this. I know of what you speak. Happened to me 15 years ago. Totally destroyed.

    Best advise I can give is keep yourself healthy, that means eating, even when you don't want to. Sleep is also a necessity. You can go for a couple weeks of spotty sleep, but after that nice things like lucid dreams can start where when awake you don't know what was/is real and what was dreamed... If you don't start to sleep after a week, go see your GP. Don't make the same mistake that I did and try to tough it out.

    Keep the kids out of it at all costs for as long as possible.
    Keep the family out as long as possible - taking sides can be a *****.
    Sit down with your best friend and talk. It may not come easy but it will come.
    Be realistic of your chances of reconciliation.
    If she is willing, go see a councilor. Ask around for a good one, they do exist.

    But do not hold out false hope. If she is reluctant, or does not put any REAL effort, goes thru the motions etc, don't expect her to come around in a week or two.... Sorry.

    Make sure you get riding as soon as possible. Joyride sounds like a great idea - immerse yourself in something that will occupy you fully. You need to give your mind a break from the constant cacophony of thoughts.

    My thoughts are with you

    michael

  48. #48
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    Quote Originally Posted by trailtrash
    I think you have a lurker phobia
    I think you may have a point.

    *lurk*

  49. #49
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    Unless I'm out of the country (and vaguely lonlely), I'm not really one for looking at MTBR after, say, 7PM but this thread is incredibly compelling. I may or may not agree with what everyone has had to say but there's no doubt in my mind that every single one of us has your best interest at heart. I stand by what I said earlier about Eastern Canada; there are some true mensches (and menschettes, ) here. Good luck with sleep and here's to clearer heads in the morning!
    Please enjoy seeing this terrible collection of me - something wonderful is about to happy.

  50. #50
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    Thanks for the good advice Mykel. I just got some exercise and will try to get some sleep soon.

  51. #51
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    garage monster - It's only been 40 hours; the last few were quite good, but clearer head in the morning, I already know that's hit and miss....it'll take a LOT longer than that. I clearly don't know who to turn to in person (has to be someone reasonably close, but not too close to my wife - btw the chetedspouseforumpeople would way I'm waaaay wrong about that too) so I was smart enough to seek out my peeps

    oggie - I am most definitely not pulling anyone's finger, but thanks for the other good advice (is one beer ok? hope so, cause I'm drinking one as I type, waiting to see if OM (cheatedspouse talk for other man) replies to my email. You should see that place...acronymcentral . I'm a BH or a BS. Any guesses? She's a WW.

    trailtrash - thanks for the advice..the nanny thread is take your mind off things entertainment.

  52. #52
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    well brother, that sucks... at one time in our lives or another, i think most of us went through something like that... maybe not exactly the same, but hurtful enough... however, when kids are involved - that changes everything... you have got to talk to some one, the more the better. it worked for me when i needed it... away from family, for sure, and trustful... you know where to find me if you need to chew some fat... i'll make time... we are thinking riding on Sunday maybe... one thing is for sure, as sure as that it will be cold tomorrow - one day this will be gone and you'll regain everything that is lacking right now... there is no doubt about that... what doesn't kill us - will make us stronger...

  53. #53
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    Quote Originally Posted by osokolo
    well brother, that sucks... at one time in our lives or another, i think most of us went through something like that... maybe not exactly the same, but hurtful enough... however, when kids are involved - that changes everything... you have got to talk to some one, the more the better. it worked for me when i needed it... away from family, for sure, and trustful... you know where to find me if you need to chew some fat... i'll make time... we are thinking riding on Sunday maybe... one thing is for sure, as sure as that it will be cold tomorrow - one day this will be gone and you'll regain everything that is lacking right now... there is no doubt about that... what doesn't kill us - will make us stronger...
    Not ready to reveal myself in person, but thanks for the offer.

    The OM and I have just exchanged several emails. It's helping.

  54. #54
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    Quote Originally Posted by osokolo
    well brother, that sucks... at one time in our lives or another, i think most of us went through something like that... maybe not exactly the same, but hurtful enough... however, when kids are involved - that changes everything... you have got to talk to some one, the more the better. it worked for me when i needed it... away from family, for sure, and trustful... you know where to find me if you need to chew some fat... i'll make time... we are thinking riding on Sunday maybe... one thing is for sure, as sure as that it will be cold tomorrow - one day this will be gone and you'll regain everything that is lacking right now... there is no doubt about that... what doesn't kill us - will make us stronger...
    Oggie,

    I was too busy exchanging emails with the OM (15 of them) to fully read this post. It helps. Thanks.

  55. #55
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    Quote Originally Posted by an alter id
    You should see that place...acronymcentral . I'm a BH or a BS. Any guesses? She's a WW.
    I googled and I have to say, it's a lot more polite than what I had in mind. FWIW, YRMV FTW!
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  56. #56
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    Not my first post either..

    I have been watching this thread closely I guess because I almost started it myself (minus the unfaithful part afaik). Like the OP, I consider this a community of great, caring, funny people and I was tempted to reach out to you myself.

    Unlike the OP, I do know many of you beyond the internet. And I think that some of you also know my wife, who also rides. TMI, please don't speculate.

    We have been having problems for awhile, and it has recently been getting worse. I'm not sure that we'll work it out, but at least we both still seem to have genuine care and respect for each other. If we reconcile, it will be because of this, and if we separate, I believe it will be amicable (but unbelievably sad). In fact, I could see going on a long ride with her even after, but I'm not sure who would be watching the kids. Yes, like OP we have children.

    Anyway to altered id, hang in there. You have been through quite an intense shock, whereas mine has been kind of a building distress as I came to grips with some things. I have had trouble sleeping, but not entire nights without sleep! Still, it's going to take time (unfortunately, more than we would like). Trust me, I know.

    Either way, take care of yourself and get stronger. Whoever said ride (oh, it was everybody) is right.

  57. #57
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    I got an hour sleep last night. Progress. Rocky morning though.

    Incognito - wish you weren't here with me, but thanks for the kind words and I might try to ride.

  58. #58
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    Quote Originally Posted by Biggie
    Stay clear of booze (unless medically prescribed).
    Does your doc take referals?

    Anyhow, this is becoming quite a confessional!. I predict a flood of posting by people that are conspicuously absent from the thread to abate speculation.
    Please enjoy seeing this terrible collection of me - something wonderful is about to happy.

  59. #59
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    Quote Originally Posted by garage monster
    Does your doc take referals?

    Anyhow, this is becoming quite a confessional!. I predict a flood of posting by people that are conspicuously absent from the thread to abate speculation.
    I've also had a few people contact me by PM, which is what I thought would happen, so yes, quite a confessonal. I don't know if a flood of new pseudonym posts ( I didn't see that coming) would make me feel better or worse!

    I can't stop you from speculating, but please keep it to yourself.

    Update - We almost separated this morning [the words "I'm leaving you" were uttered]. We're still best friends, but we may be too broken. Still the kids to consider. This place is helping. Going to phone my mom now I think. I know, I'm supposed to be riding. I'm trying.

  60. #60
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    Quote Originally Posted by an alter id
    I've also had a few people contact me by PM, which is what I thought would happen, so yes, quite a confessonal. I don't know if a flood of new pseudonym posts ( I didn't see that coming) would make me feel better or worse!

    I can't stop you from speculating, but please keep it to yourself.

    Update - We almost separated this morning [the words "I'm leaving you" were uttered]. We're still best friends, but we may be too broken. Still the kids to consider. This place is helping. Going to phone my mom now I think. I know, I'm supposed to be riding. I'm trying.
    PM sent.

  61. #61
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    Cant really add anything that hasnt already been said... but I will emphasize that in my experience with breakups there are a whole lot of mood swings full of highs and lows. One minute you feel invincible and as if its in the past, the next moment you're mired into the thick of it with no hope at all.

    All I can say is batten down the hatches, weather the storm. Make sure you're eating well, (VERY important) since an empty stomach influences mood and makes you dwell on those lows.

    On a semi related note. I had my greatest gains in cycling after a relationship went sour. Level 5 intervals are much easier when you're pissed off.
    Some great sets for the trainer:
    https://www.mixcloud.com/djfeelgood/

  62. #62
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    Quote Originally Posted by superlightracer
    Cant really add anything that hasnt already been said... but I will emphasize that in my experience with breakups there are a whole lot of mood swings full of highs and lows. One minute you feel invincible and as if its in the past, the next moment you're mired into the thick of it with no hope at all.

    All I can say is batten down the hatches, weather the storm. Make sure you're eating well, (VERY important) since an empty stomach influences mood and makes you dwell on those lows.

    On a semi related note. I had my greatest gains in cycling after a relationship went sour. Level 5 intervals are much easier when you're pissed off.
    I think I'm getting closer to race weight.

    But the eating is improving bit by bit.

  63. #63
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    Quote Originally Posted by an alter id
    I think I'm getting closer to race weight.

    But the eating is improving bit by bit.
    Also. while I may lose all intellectual forum cred for this.

    Saxophone Horse always cheers me up.

    www.saxophonehorse.ytmnd.com

    chin up buddy.
    Some great sets for the trainer:
    https://www.mixcloud.com/djfeelgood/

  64. #64
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    Quote Originally Posted by superlightracer
    Also. while I may lose all intellectual forum cred for this.
    I have little cred left to lose: Stucco Cat!

    Please enjoy seeing this terrible collection of me - something wonderful is about to happy.

  65. #65
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    I hope you are not in our age race category. It is too stacked already... Start eating please.

  66. #66
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    Quote Originally Posted by osokolo
    I hope you are not in our age race category. It is too stacked already... Start eating please.
    Hahaha. Thank you. A good laugh is helpful. Unfortunately I think my average watts and my weight are both around 160 right now.

    But I am in your race category I think.

    Oh, and I just came in from 30 minutes on the trainer and I'm eating an apple.

  67. #67
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    hmm... good...
    i just narrowed down my list of potential candidates. a few more good quality CSI questions and right answers and i'll give you a call...

    you said emailing with OM is helping you? is she (should it be she or he?) remorseful?

    of course, if you are not comfortable dwelling about it - no worries... it is always fascinating what compels people to do things like that... i really can not wrap my mind around it...

    what do you think? did you look at yourself first, trying to find reasons? would/could you have done anything different?

  68. #68
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    damit... sorry to hear that bud...
    the third post of this nature better be a case of a woman who discovered her husband/boyfriend cheating on her... we are down 1.5:0.5 right now and it ain't looking good...

    my wife doesn't ride and doesn't enjoy hanging around during races etc... i thought it would be a bigger problem than it looked before we signed required paperwork and entered the next level of relationship. i thought all my problems would have been solved if my wife was a rider as well... hearing from you that it is not the only necessary ingredient, doesn't surprise me but i would have believed that if both spouses have the same passion towards biking, would make things infinitely easier (mr and mrs monster come to mind)...

    obviously, life is tough even when lots of things are shared between spouses and even tougher when not... good luck to both of you... i hope it works out and you bring 2x4 on the first Tuesday night race - to celebrate with us mtbr hommies...

  69. #69
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    Quote Originally Posted by garage monster
    I have little cred left to lose]
    nope you don't. according to my reports, you lost it all last season when you lost to LeHair. sorry and please try again.

  70. #70
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    Quote Originally Posted by osokolo
    hmm... good...
    i just narrowed down my list of potential candidates. a few more good quality CSI questions and right answers and i'll give you a call...

    you said emailing with OM is helping you? is she (should it be she or he?) remorseful?

    of course, if you are not comfortable dwelling about it - no worries... it is always fascinating what compels people to do things like that... i really can not wrap my mind around it...

    what do you think? did you look at yourself first, trying to find reasons? would/could you have done anything different?
    It did help to email OM. He's very remorseful. He's an acquaintance.

    I knew people would try to figure it out. PM if you think you have, don't say anything on here please.

  71. #71
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    Hi Altered,

    Sorry about your circumstances....
    It's a miserable thing that you are going through.

    Funny how slow time passes during a crisis
    I know that some posts in this thread seemed harsh, and some seem obvious, but as you re-read them from the start, over the next few days, your feelings toward each post will differ slightly. This difference will be a measure of how you are "evolving" .

    There are steps that one must go through to survive a crisis, such as:
    1) Denial
    2) Anger
    3) reflection
    4) Bargaining
    5) Acceptance
    (Several variations on this)

    As someone told me once - keep a stiff upper lip ( not sure what that means, but I've never forgotten that).
    pm as well

  72. #72
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    Quote Originally Posted by osokolo
    damit... sorry to hear that bud...
    the third post of this nature better be a case of a woman who discovered her husband/boyfriend cheating on her... we are down 1.5:0.5 right now and it ain't looking good... ...
    Who's bud, who are you responding to?
    Quote Originally Posted by osokolo
    my wife doesn't ride and doesn't enjoy hanging around during races etc... i thought it would be a bigger problem than it looked before we signed required paperwork and entered the next level of relationship. i thought all my problems would have been solved if my wife was a rider as well... hearing from you that it is not the only necessary ingredient, doesn't surprise me but i would have believed that if both spouses have the same passion towards biking, would make things infinitely easier (mr and mrs monster come to mind)......
    Why did you think she had the same passion? She does a lot of running though. Edited to add: Nevermind - incongito EC member, right?
    Quote Originally Posted by osokolo
    obviously, life is tough even when lots of things are shared between spouses and even tougher when not... good luck to both of you... i hope it works out and you bring 2x4 on the first Tuesday night race - to celebrate with us mtbr hommies...
    I hope I'm up to it.

  73. #73
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    yeah

    I was responding to incognito...

    some of my comments are applicable to you as well - your SO is into running which IMHO is better than GOLF that my SO is into... The only good thing about golf is that it is played mostly by old and fat or young but ugly men who couldn't play any other decent sport, so if she wanted to cheat on me - she would have to really look hard to find anyone half decent on the golf course. except when noggs plays golf, who is a real macho and my only fear.

    so let's clarify some of the abbreviations here: OM - is that Other Men? What is the short for wife and for you?

    you going to work?

    Quote Originally Posted by an alter id
    Who's bud, who are you responding to?

    Why did you think she had the same passion? She does a lot of running though. Edited to add: Nevermind - incongito EC member, right?

    I hope I'm up to it.

  74. #74
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    nah, i am not trying to figure out... just teasing you... it is you who will make that decision if and when you feel like it... all we can do is be here or elsewhere for you if you need us...

    and that is exactly what i am doing...

  75. #75
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    Quote Originally Posted by an alter id
    It did help to email OM. He's very remorseful. He's an acquaintance.
    maybe this isn't what you need...but...

    i can understand the questions and uncertainty with your spouse, despite the circumstances, you have a family and do need to think things through.

    dare i say though, your (future and a reflection of your past) relationship with the OM seems pretty clear. he's a ******.
    maybe it's my own bias that's blinding me to something helpful but i really don't see how there is anything he can offer...
    Expert of the Internet.
    BECAUSE I SAID SO

  76. #76
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    I do have to say that I share the same view... Finding out some or all information about the incident from OM may be helpful, but that is the extent of my communication with that SOB. As much as it is your SO fault, that much it is his - as he knew you.

    Of course, if he is your boss, that complicates the issue.

  77. #77
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    Quote Originally Posted by osokolo
    some of my comments are applicable to you as well - your SO is into running which IMHO is better than GOLF that my SO is into...
    There is swearing.

    <iframe title="YouTube video player" width="480" height="390" src="http://www.youtube.com/embed/8Y3MpFaq0EM" frameborder="0" allowfullscreen></iframe>

  78. #78
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    Quote Originally Posted by osokolo
    (mr and mrs monster come to mind)...
    Aw, shucks...

    Indeed we do share a passion for cycling but that's just a tiny piece of the big compatibility puzzle. Over time, each of us has grown quite fond of the others' wide-ranging proclivities (who knew I'd become such a Monster gardener? ) and that shines through in the way we're joined at the hip practically everywhere we go.

    And, oh ya,

    Quote Originally Posted by nogearshere
    he's a ******.
    X eleventy billion.
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  79. #79
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    After a ride..

    - Be wary of those who's first suggestion is for you to see head spacers, therapists, and you need drugs. They are only useful at the right time and when you are ready.

    - The emotions of anger, betrayl, and such are normal, We all feel them at various points in our lives. Sometimes it takes effort to deal with them but this is a normal part of being human. Taking pharmaceuticals should be a last resort not the first as they while making you feel good. Will help mask what you need to deal with.

    - Sleep and nutrition play a huge role in our mental and physical health.

    -

  80. #80
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    I would like to point out for the record that creating multiple accounts on MTBR is expressly against the terms of use for this site. PMs have now sent to the site admins.

    Just kidding. I'm now projecting vibes for resolution and healing to all concerned, unless my tin foil hat is blocking outgoing mental transmissions in which case you'll just have to go by this post.

  81. #81
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    Quote Originally Posted by Circlip
    Just kidding. I'm now projecting vibes for resolution and healing to all concerned, unless my tin foil hat is blocking outgoing mental transmissions in which case you'll just have to go by this post.
    Sheesh, all you Lotusland guys are the same. Shouldn't you be out shopping at lululemon or something?
    Please enjoy seeing this terrible collection of me - something wonderful is about to happy.

  82. #82
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    Osokolo, two days in a row flaterring Peter, eh?

    He's my man crush! GET YOUR OWN!

    Anyway, when I see that new Marky Mark movie; Peter is so yesterday...

    Original Poster,

    Your professionalism(someone spell check this) and calmness are admirable traits right now. You definitely don't want to be exchanging disparaging(spell check this) remarks with your Wife in front of the kids.

    However, you need to find your inner Hans Solo right now. TTFU a bit. Drop the OM and WW stuff, maybe? Like Peter said, your names for these characters need not be professional and calm.

    To the other alias(Incognito),

    I don't know what you meant by, "I could see going on a long ride with her even after", but that is not something to wait around for. Get busy living.

    However, as an addendum to my earlier rambling, my "run off with a french mountain climber" Ex lived near Pearson. Once I had a flight out early in the morning. I asked if I could stay at her place out of "convenience". Ended up playing Park the Porpoise! Huge statistical points for moistening of dirty bits after the break up stuff. Just make sure you're not pining away...your head has to be clear for that stuff.

    Anyway, anyone wanting 1 on 1 advice from this caveman; send me a PM...
    "I love being on a bike. It helps me feel free. I get it from my dad", by Guillaume Blanchet

  83. #83
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    Quote Originally Posted by Enduramil
    After a ride..

    - Be wary of those who's first suggestion is for you to see head spacers, therapists, and you need drugs. They are only useful at the right time and when you are ready.

    - The emotions of anger, betrayl, and such are normal, We all feel them at various points in our lives. Sometimes it takes effort to deal with them but this is a normal part of being human. Taking pharmaceuticals should be a last resort not the first as they while making you feel good. Will help mask what you need to deal with.

    - Sleep and nutrition play a huge role in our mental and physical health.

    -
    OPs situation is so much more acute than mine (neither angry, nor betrayed, just kind of, meh, this sucks), but I agree. Sleep, good nutrition and exercise. Feel good about yourself (I do), and you can better handle anything. I found that when I first started realizing that we had problems, I cherished exercise more, wanted to take care of myself first, etc.

    I'm so glad that tubs of ice cream or drunken benders weren't my coping mechanisms. They barely work for the time you're doing them, and usually not even then.

  84. #84
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    Quote Originally Posted by Biggie
    However, you need to find your inner Hans Solo right now. TTFU a bit. Drop the OM and WW stuff, maybe? Like Peter said, your names for these characters need not be professional and calm.
    Retard in Question and Moron in Question is my favorites.

  85. #85
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    Quote Originally Posted by incognito EC member
    I'm so glad that tubs of ice cream or drunken benders weren't my coping mechanisms. They barely work for the time you're doing them, and usually not even then.
    Different strokes for different folks. I've been through some ugly stuff with nothing more than a stiff drink and Sigur Ros turned up to 11.
    Please enjoy seeing this terrible collection of me - something wonderful is about to happy.

  86. #86
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    Wow, lot of posts.
    I'm working on TTFU. I realize I'm early in the coping process, but I just can't imagine us going for each other's throats. Also, we have our 2 kids to think of.

    Not a drug to solve a problem guy, but I may try some Nyquil tonight (all we have).
    I am looking forward to feeling better, because I am going to put all of my energy into my kids and riding.

    no to the benders, and my wife can have the ice cream, but perhaps I should give Joyride a try.

  87. #87
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    You wouldn't believe the number of times I've read this whole thread.

  88. #88
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    Quote Originally Posted by an alter id
    You wouldn't believe the number of times I've read this whole thread.
    Your welcome. There are those out there making $250/hr with my kinda advice.
    "I love being on a bike. It helps me feel free. I get it from my dad", by Guillaume Blanchet

  89. #89
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    Quote Originally Posted by an alter id
    , but perhaps I should give Joyride a try.

    No. Do not say you will try. That gives you an easy out. Go Friday night or better go during the day Saturday. Do something that you like - riding bikes. And spend time trying different lines. Spend the whole day.

    You are like anyone ast times of stress thinking to much. Which in itself causes more stress. Trust me on that- the wife does that very easily.

  90. #90
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    Quote Originally Posted by Biggie
    You're welcome. There are those out there making $250/hr with my kinda advice.
    FIFY! (Mrs. Monster's out to lunch with a friend right now. I feel the need to pick up the slack...)
    Please enjoy seeing this terrible collection of me - something wonderful is about to happy.

  91. #91
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    Quote Originally Posted by garage monster
    Sheesh, all you Lotusland guys are the same. Shouldn't you be out shopping at lululemon or something?
    Lotusland, eh?

    I would, but there are so many pairs of men's yoga pants in my closet already I wouldn't know where to put any more. I already have already enough yoga pants to adequately complement the various Debbie Travis Collection colours on our walls. Whenever I go to a different room in the house, I change my yoga pants accordingly to blend in with the colour scheme of that room.

    If any more yoga pants come into the house I'll have to start paring down my collection of organic granola to find storage space. Or maybe do away with a first edition copy of "Tree Hugging for Dummies".

  92. #92
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    Quote Originally Posted by Biggie
    There are those out there making $250/hr with my kinda advice.
    flying high, aren't we?

    you think you are worth $250/hr?

    send me your pic and i will make you an offer...

  93. #93
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    Quote Originally Posted by garage monster
    FIFY! (Mrs. Monster's out to lunch with a friend right now. I feel the need to pick up the slack...)
    Male friend??

    Just asking...

  94. #94
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    Quote Originally Posted by osokolo
    Male friend??

    Just asking...
    Nope, a new mother but nice try!
    Please enjoy seeing this terrible collection of me - something wonderful is about to happy.

  95. #95
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    Quote Originally Posted by Enduramil
    No. Do not say you will try.
    Yoda?

  96. #96
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    And no, not my boss (or hers). Just part of a "group". I've probably met him 5 times, his wife 3 times, and their kids once.

  97. #97
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    wow... kids involved on both sides... geez... what are these people thinking...

  98. #98
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    Quote Originally Posted by nogearshere
    he's a ******.
    X eleventy billion^2

    Nice. So somewhere else out there, on Running Shoe Review or whatever, there's an anonymous woman trying to come to grips with her husband F-ing around. The mind, it boggles.
    Please enjoy seeing this terrible collection of me - something wonderful is about to happy.

  99. #99
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    Quote Originally Posted by garage monster
    X eleventy billion^2

    Nice. So somewhere else out there, on Running Shoe Review or whatever, there's an anonymous woman trying to come to grips with her husband F-ing around. The mind, it boggles.
    There is no Running Shoe Review.com ... sadly. But I could make some recommendos. Of the shoe persuasion.

    This thread is full of sad.

  100. #100
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    Quote Originally Posted by garage monster
    Nope, a new mother but nice try!

    I can see where this will come up sooner then later in conversation.

  101. #101
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    Go tag OM's wife. Won't help things any but it could be fun.

  102. #102
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    Quote Originally Posted by shirk
    Go tag OM's wife. Won't help things any but it could be fun.
    A have a friend whose parents are both remarried ... to the former spouses of each other, as the result of the situation described in this thread - and then of what you just prescribed above.

    Sordid. Very very sordid. And talk about awkward holidays.

  103. #103
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    Quote Originally Posted by kept man
    Sordid. Very very sordid. And talk about awkward holidays.
    I bet Hallmark doesn't make a card for that one.
    Please enjoy seeing this terrible collection of me - something wonderful is about to happy.

  104. #104
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    Quote Originally Posted by shirk
    Go tag OM's wife. Won't help things any but it could be fun.

    I have a response but this is not NSMB NBR.

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    Wow I was just trying to be funny.

    That certainly would make for awkward holidays. Poor kids try to describe things at school...

  106. #106
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    Quote Originally Posted by Enduramil
    I have a response but this is not NSMB NBR.
    This?

  107. #107
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    Quote Originally Posted by kept man
    A have a friend whose parents are both remarried ... to the former spouses of each other, as the result of the situation described in this thread - and then of what you just prescribed above.

    Sordid. Very very sordid. And talk about awkward holidays.
    The only thing that could possibly top that is a 4 way trade of mother->father-in-law + father->mother-in-law. Something tells me it's happened somewhere. Ewww....

  108. #108
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    Quote Originally Posted by Circlip
    The only thing that could possibly top that is a 4 way trade of mother->father-in-law + father->mother-in-law. Something tells me it's happened somewhere. Ewww....
    You ever been to Alabama? Sure bet it's nothing new down there.

  109. #109
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    I'm seeing this thread as having definite 4-page potential, if not much more. Makes zip ties look pretty boring.

  110. #110
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    Quote Originally Posted by Circlip
    The only thing that could possibly top that is a 4 way trade of mother->father-in-law + father->mother-in-law. Something tells me it's happened somewhere. Ewww....
    I can top that... father->father-in-law + mother->mother-in-law. It would be like living in an Ang Lee movie.
    Please enjoy seeing this terrible collection of me - something wonderful is about to happy.

  111. #111
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    Quote Originally Posted by shirk
    You ever been to Alabama? Sure bet it's nothing new down there.
    No, but some of the characters I've met out on the hydrocut at Crank the Shield have made me feel like I've been dropped down into a production set for Deliverance II.

  112. #112
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    Quote Originally Posted by garage monster
    I bet Hallmark doesn't make a card for that one.
    I bet they DO!

    I was thinking of posting something about how I don't understand why the other party (i.e. the person with whom the cheater has relations) gets so much blame (seems to me that the person who took the vows has the responsibility to keep them), but then you posted that he's just as bad, and well. Gosh. No winners here, are there?

    And lunch was lovely, and very innocent!

  113. #113
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    Quote Originally Posted by Nerdgirl
    I was thinking of posting something about how I don't understand why the other party (i.e. the person with whom the cheater has relations) gets so much blame (seems to me that the person who took the vows has the responsibility to keep them)
    Hey, it's an unwritten rule for anyone with a shred of self-respect that you simply don't go mowing someone else's lawn. At least not without the agreement of all parties concerned.

  114. #114
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    OM, BH, BS, WW, OP,TMI.............
    i no longer have a clue what you're all saying.
    guess i don't spend enough time on this computer.

  115. #115
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    Quote Originally Posted by shirk
    Wow I was just trying to be funny.

    That certainly would make for awkward holidays. Poor kids try to describe things at school...
    I still remember that first conversation:

    "My parents were married before."

    "Yeah, both of my parents got remarried after their divorce, too."

    "No - I mean ..."



    Oooooooooooooooooooooooooh. Frakking weird.

  116. #116
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    Quote Originally Posted by Circlip
    The only thing that could possibly top that is a 4 way trade of mother->father-in-law + father->mother-in-law. Something tells me it's happened somewhere. Ewww....
    Android replacements of the human originals, maybe?

    http://io9.com/#!5757229/the-worlds-first-anti+android-marriage-activist-speaks-out-at-a-maryland-debate

  117. #117
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    Quote Originally Posted by Nerdgirl
    I bet they DO!
    The "Frak you all, you frakking frakkers, because you've already all frakked each other anyway and because of that you've now frakked me up for life" card?

    Starbuck gives two thumbs up.

  118. #118
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    Quote Originally Posted by trailtrash
    OM, BH, BS, WW, OP,TMI.............
    i no longer have a clue what you're all saying.
    guess i don't spend enough time on this computer.
    You should join us at geezers night at Joyride.

    BRB!
    Please enjoy seeing this terrible collection of me - something wonderful is about to happy.

  119. #119
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    Quote Originally Posted by garage monster
    You should join us at geezers night at Joyride.

    BRB!
    Bring Real Beer.......... maybe
    can't think of anything else

    there is a geezers night?

  120. #120
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    Quote Originally Posted by kept man
    The "Frak you all, you frakking frakkers, because you've already all frakked each other anyway and because of that you've now frakked me up for life" card?

    Starbuck gives two thumbs up.
    Any greeting card that uses "Frak" has my approval. And I generally scorn all greeting cards.

  121. #121
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    Quote Originally Posted by trailtrash
    Bring Real Beer.......... maybe
    can't think of anything else

    there is a geezers night?
    Nope but I like the way your mind works!

    OP (Original Poster - trailtrash take note), as you know from the Drew thread, there maybe be a "park" geezer night coming up at Joyride. Stay tuned!
    Please enjoy seeing this terrible collection of me - something wonderful is about to happy.

  122. #122
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    Quote Originally Posted by Circlip
    At least not without the agreement of all parties concerned.
    This.

  123. #123
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    Quote Originally Posted by garage monster
    Nope but I like the way your mind works!

    OP (Original Poster - trailtrash take note), as you know from the Drew thread, there maybe be a "park" geezer night coming up at Joyride. Stay tuned!

    Having attained geezer status last fall, I would definitely be on board for this...
    Strava made me do it....

  124. #124
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    Quote Originally Posted by trailtrash
    OM, BH, BS, WW, OP,TMI.............
    i no longer have a clue what you're all saying.
    guess i don't spend enough time on this computer.

    HTFU FIDO

  125. #125
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    Added Bonus:

    Take your Valentine's Day budget and spend it on new rims!

    OR

    come home tomorrow visibly distraught and tell her someone just stole your bike! If she's not Vulcan I bet she buys you a new one!
    "I love being on a bike. It helps me feel free. I get it from my dad", by Guillaume Blanchet

  126. #126
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    Quote Originally Posted by Biggie
    Added Bonus:

    Take your Valentine's Day budget and spend it on new rims!

    OR

    come home tomorrow visibly distraught and tell her someone just stole your bike! If she's not Vulcan I bet she buys you a new one!


    A brilliantly fiendish plan!
    Strava made me do it....

  127. #127
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    Quote Originally Posted by Enduramil
    I can see where this will come up sooner then later in conversation.
    you mean someone is planing kids???

    nooooooooooooo?

  128. #128
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    briefly crossed my mind, but my proper upbringing prevented me from actually posting it...

  129. #129
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    I had to use an alternate screen name and go through hell to finally start my own epic thread?

    In case you missed me, I was busy with day to day stuff. I'm okay, considering.

    Back to your banter

  130. #130
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    Quote Originally Posted by Enduramil
    HTFU FIDO

    is that an insult or funny?

  131. #131
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    Quote Originally Posted by Unglued
    Having attained geezer status last fall, I would definitely be on board for this...
    whats the official age?

  132. #132
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    Quote Originally Posted by an alter id
    I had to use an alternate screen name and go through hell to finally start my own epic thread?

    In case you missed me, I was busy with day to day stuff. I'm okay, considering.

    Back to your banter
    See your mind is clearing already; your infectious wit is back. Good sign.
    "I love being on a bike. It helps me feel free. I get it from my dad", by Guillaume Blanchet

  133. #133
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    you don't want to know...

  134. #134
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    Quote Originally Posted by osokolo
    you don't want to know...

    Frak
    It
    Drive
    On

  135. #135
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    Get some professional help for yourself, not couples counselling. There are some smart people out there who know a lot about helping people out of this hole because this sorta stuff happens a lot.

    Please, don't just goto joyride or ride around, that is the long way todo things. Find a few extra hundred dollars, spend a half hour, hour or more with a professional. It's particularly important todo this if you want a little objectivity.

    For sure try the best you can to keep your ship on an even keel though all this, not sleeping, binge drinking or eating.. whatever those will make it worse and interfere with your ability to find an exit from the hole you've stumbled across.

    So, good luck, this probably means big changes! And seriously consider the counselling, not saying you have to stay with her or to divorce her. If you can afford counselling, it's just easier to wrap your head around stuff, if you can't find a real person who has come through something similar with some success.

  136. #136
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    Quote Originally Posted by an alter id
    I had to use an alternate screen name and go through hell to finally start my own epic thread?

    In case you missed me, I was busy with day to day stuff. I'm okay, considering.

    Back to your banter
    Hey, not every thread is a winner. It takes a certain amount of courage to put yourself out there. For every "official beer thread" there are dozens of "check out this mushroom that looks like Jesus" ones.

    Then again, you never know. I think it took us six pages of round-about bickering each to find Starbuck a bike and Sweet Filly some winter shoes.

    You had to realise at some level that dropping a bombshell like this on us would lead to us chattering away like so many yentas at a beauty salon!
    Please enjoy seeing this terrible collection of me - something wonderful is about to happy.

  137. #137
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    professional help?
    you mean people who will tell him pretty much all the same he heard on this board already, just charge him by the minute???
    bleh... that is for - what you called "amateurs" in your own words...
    we should face our own issues as they come. if we can not face them ourselves, there is no one out there who can help us. sometime a person that is supposed to "help" has more issues than the one that is seeking help.

    however, your suggestion is quite in line with your philosophy about children upbringing and crap about "violent" parents or "tyrant" parents etc...

    no one will make him get over things, until he gets over things.

    by the way, your comment "Disobey and daddy sends your ass to India on a vacation you never return from or return from the same" is f-ing racism, once i manage to read through the end of the statement... but that is not subject of this thread... just think before you type, will you please?

    thanks in advance.

  138. #138
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    HTFU?
    please and thank you.

  139. #139
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    Quote Originally Posted by electrik
    Get some professional help for yourself, not couples counselling. There are some smart people out there who know a lot about helping people out of this hole because this sorta stuff happens a lot.

    Please, don't just goto joyride or ride around, that is the long way todo things. Find a few extra hundred dollars, spend a half hour, hour or more with a professional. It's particularly important todo this if you want a little objectivity.

    For sure try the best you can to keep your ship on an even keel though all this, not sleeping, binge drinking or eating.. whatever those will make it worse and interfere with your ability to find an exit from the hole you've stumbled across.

    So, good luck, this probably means big changes! And seriously consider the counselling, not saying you have to stay with her or to divorce her. If you can afford counselling, it's just easier to wrap your head around stuff, if you can't find a real person who has come through something similar with some success.
    In theory counselling is a good idea. However you and others seem to want to put a gun to people's heads and force them to go.

    The reality is that counselling or whatever "expert" help is useful. But it is only when the person is themselves ready to go. Not when others order him to go. Only at that time when they have decided for themselves it is time to go to the "experts" is it time. Not when others deem they must go. This will cause people to put up even more walls and delay doing stuff.

    Until that time encourage them to do stuff that they enjoy. For the OP he likes riding bikes so encourage him to do that.

  140. #140
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    Quote Originally Posted by osokolo
    professional help?
    you mean people who will tell him pretty much all the same he heard on this board already, just charge him by the minute???
    bleh... that is for - what you called "amateurs" in your own words...
    we should face our own issues as they come. if we can not face them ourselves, there is no one out there who can help us. sometime a person that is supposed to "help" has more issues than the one that is seeking help.

    however, your suggestion is quite in line with your philosophy about children upbringing and crap about "violent" parents or "tyrant" parents etc...

    no one will make him get over things, until he gets over things.
    Nonsense like this is exactly why I'm wary of people who's get so entrenched in the whole you must seek counselling and drug's mentality.

    I should know. I had the fun of dealing with this long ago. It's this same mentality that caused me to spend a year depressed. I have been forced as a student to take pharmaceuticals. I could try to explain why but like being part of the military. Unless you have done it you just won't understand. All I can say is that drugs is the first answer for everything for some reason in our society.

    Drugs for ADHD, ADD, feeling blue, and so on. Instead of working on the problem we take pills. And we are worse off now then ever.

    Something to think about. Oprah had a show on being happy. It was mentioned that getting out and doing stuff with others brought the same level of happiness in the brain as buying a new item or a raise. And it lasts longer. And that being active made people happier then anything else one could do.

  141. #141
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    Quote Originally Posted by osokolo
    professional help?
    you mean people who will tell him pretty much all the same he heard on this board already, just charge him by the minute???
    bleh... that is for - what you called "amateurs" in your own words...
    we should face our own issues as they come. if we can not face them ourselves, there is no one out there who can help us. sometime a person that is supposed to "help" has more issues than the one that is seeking help.

    however, your suggestion is quite in line with your philosophy about children upbringing and crap about "violent" parents or "tyrant" parents etc...

    no one will make him get over things, until he gets over things.

    by the way, your comment "Disobey and daddy sends your ass to India on a vacation you never return from or return from the same" is f-ing racism, once i manage to read through the end of the statement... but that is not subject of this thread... just think before you type, will you please?

    thanks in advance.
    Maybe it's a bit of hyperbole, but what is racist about it? I mentioned a race? Call HR you nanny! Lots of kids get sent back to the motherland for "cultural (re)education". Why even bring that up here. Go post over there!

    This Dude is free to go ahead and listen to internet advice, you probably get what you pay for though. I include myself in that. I don't know why everybody hates therapy... but that is ok, hate therapy... doesn't make a difference to me. You want to go ride your bicycle, go ride the bicycle! Forrest Gump it across the country if that is what works for you.

    FYI, I can't type before I think(lol), my therapist says I should write in a stream of consciousness, like a giant streak of diarrhea across the universe... apologies in advance.

  142. #142
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    Quote Originally Posted by Enduramil
    Drugs for ADHD, ADD, feeling blue, and so on. Instead of working on the problem we take pills. And we are worse off now then ever.
    schizophrenia? nah just walk it off, be happy

    infections? you are not riding your bike enough

    cancer? more exercise!

    flu shots? quackery!

    i guess peoples life expectancy has dropped over the years with all this pill popping...
    broadcasting from
    "the vinyl basement"

    build trail!

  143. #143
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    Quote Originally Posted by Enduramil
    In theory counselling is a good idea. However you and others seem to want to put a gun to people's heads and force them to go.

    The reality is that counselling or whatever "expert" help is useful. But it is only when the person is themselves ready to go. Not when others order him to go. Only at that time when they have decided for themselves it is time to go to the "experts" is it time. Not when others deem they must go. This will cause people to put up even more walls and delay doing stuff.

    Until that time encourage them to do stuff that they enjoy. For the OP he likes riding bikes so encourage him to do that.
    No one is forcing anyone on this forum to decide what course of action to take. People are offering their opinions based on their own experiences and what was effective in their situations Unless an individual is a harm to themselves or others or can't take care of themselves they can be certified under the Mental Health Act. and admitted for assessment for a period of time. I can go on... I do have experience and expertise in the field.

    Treatments are based on the diagnosis and in every situation the client/patient is always informed by a physician and given a choice (unless the person is a minor or incapable of making decisions for themselves). The agreed treatment is trialed and client./patient is monitored. The majority of individuals are treated as outpatients and they can go on with their daily lives, If their condition /symptoms are severe they may be treated in hospital. If the symptoms persist or the person feels worse the treatment plan can be changed.

    The number of people who have benefitted from professional treatment out number unsuccessful outcomes. Because of the stigma and shame of mental illness people prefer to focus on negative aspects.

    It takes alot of courage to come forward and talk about trauma. It takes more courage to disclose what interventions worked.

  144. #144
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    Quote Originally Posted by cyclelicious
    No one is forcing anyone on this forum to decide what course of action to take. People are offering their opinions based on their own experiences and what was effective in their situations Unless an individual is a harm to themselves or others or can't take care of themselves they can be certified under the Mental Health Act. and admitted for assessment for a period of time. I can go on... I do have experience and expertise in the field.

    Treatments are based on the diagnosis and in every situation the client/patient is always informed by a physician and given a choice (unless the person is a minor or incapable of making decisions for themselves). The agreed treatment is trialed and client./patient is monitored. The majority of individuals are treated as outpatients and they can go on with their daily lives, If their condition /symptoms are severe they may be treated in hospital. If the symptoms persist or the person feels worse the treatment plan can be changed.

    The number of people who have benefitted from professional treatment out number unsuccessful outcomes. Because of the stigma and shame of mental illness people prefer to focus on negative aspects.

    It takes alot of courage to come forward and talk about trauma. It takes more courage to disclose what interventions worked.
    Thank you. Therapy is something I'm considering. No stigma for me. I read and think about ALL the advise.

    But. Anyone going through this would be "depressed". That's not depression. Being "depressed" because of an event or situation is something that I think I can deal with, and riding my bike will be part of that.
    So will talking...on here, to friends, to my wife, possibly a therapist. Spending quality time with my kids and appreciating them more for what they bring to my life instead of fretting about the little day-to-day nuisances like homework or messy rooms will also be part of it.
    I thank all of you for your genuine concern, support. I'm a little uncomfortable now that this thread has become a monster. That's always a risk on here [part of the fun, right?], but I thought I'd get some PMs and it would sink to the bottom.

  145. #145
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    Hi again Altered,
    Just one more thought...
    Keep a journal.

    Specific events, discussions, agreements., etcetera

  146. #146
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    Quote Originally Posted by an alter id
    Thank you. Therapy is something I'm considering. No stigma for me. I read and think about ALL the advise.

    But. Anyone going through this would be "depressed". That's not depression. Being "depressed" because of an event or situation is something that I think I can deal with, and riding my bike will be part of that.
    So will talking...on here, to friends, to my wife, possibly a therapist. Spending quality time with my kids and appreciating them more for what they bring to my life instead of fretting about the little day-to-day nuisances like homework or messy rooms will also be part of it.
    I thank all of you for your genuine concern, support. I'm a little uncomfortable now that this thread has become a monster. That's always a risk on here [part of the fun, right?], but I thought I'd get some PMs and it would sink to the bottom.
    Make an informed decision based on the information you have gathered. There's alot of ideas and reactions on this thread.

    Depression is a way to describe a mood. People use the term "feeling depressed" and there is an immediate assumption made. Feeling depressed is not a diagnosis (that is for a physician to determine based on criteria set out in the DSM IV) You are sorting through a complex stressful situation and you do the best you can, like contemplating whether to seek out clinical or professional expertise. There are lots of choices depending which path you want to take.

  147. #147
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    Quote Originally Posted by osokolo
    professional help?
    you mean people who will tell him pretty much all the same he heard on this board already, just charge him by the minute???
    bleh... that is for - what you called "amateurs" in your own words...
    we should face our own issues as they come. if we can not face them ourselves, there is no one out there who can help us. sometime a person that is supposed to "help" has more issues than the one that is seeking help.

    however, your suggestion is quite in line with your philosophy about children upbringing and crap about "violent" parents or "tyrant" parents etc...

    no one will make him get over things, until he gets over things.

    by the way, your comment "Disobey and daddy sends your ass to India on a vacation you never return from or return from the same" is f-ing racism, once i manage to read through the end of the statement... but that is not subject of this thread... just think before you type, will you please?

    thanks in advance.




    I thought the same tbh, if not the r-word then it certainly perpetuates a negative (and frankly ignorant) stereotype, or at the very least is an unfair generalization. Glad you mentioned it though, I often refrain from giving my own opinion on this forum.

    Edit: Apologies to alter id, I didn't want to contribute to the derailing of your thread.

  148. #148
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    Quote Originally Posted by kept man
    The "Frak you all, you frakking frakkers, because you've already all frakked each other anyway and because of that you've now frakked me up for life" card?

    Starbuck gives two thumbs up.
    I'm a big fan of levity, even in the direst situations, a good laugh elevates the soul and defogs your head. And it's free!

    Please enjoy seeing this terrible collection of me - something wonderful is about to happy.

  149. #149
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    Quote Originally Posted by garage monster
    I'm a big fan of levity, even in the direst situations, a good laugh elevates the soul and defogs your head. And it's free!

    That picture is like touching the face of god.

    If not quite as silky smooth and ageless.

    Still, I deem it awesome.

  150. #150
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    Quote Originally Posted by kept man
    Still, I deem it awesome.
    An oldie but a goodie.

    Please enjoy seeing this terrible collection of me - something wonderful is about to happy.

  151. #151
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    Go by Staples or Office Depot and get a big legal pad or similar. Go down to your local coffee shop or Chapters. Sit down and put on paper all the crap that is bouncing around in your head. Everything- fears, worries, guilt, happiness.. everything.

    This was mentioned in a article in the Toronto Star about a month ago. Though the article was academic focused. The same technique is used by Olympic level athlete's And it does help calm your mind.

  152. #152
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    Quote Originally Posted by cyclelicious

    Depression is a way to describe a mood. People use the term "feeling depressed" and there is an immediate assumption made. Feeling depressed is not a diagnosis (that is for a physician to determine based on criteria set out in the DSM IV) You are sorting through a complex stressful situation and you do the best you can, like contemplating whether to seek out clinical or professional expertise. There are lots of choices depending which path you want to take.
    Exactly. I have lost track the number of times people have said you look depressed maybe you need drugs. Yet it passes. It is like any other mood, it becomes a problem if it persists for to long.

  153. #153
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    Quote Originally Posted by cyclelicious
    No one is forcing anyone on this forum to decide what course of action to take. People are offering their opinions based on their own experiences and what was effective in their situations Unless an individual is a harm to themselves or others or can't take care of themselves they can be certified under the Mental Health Act. and admitted for assessment for a period of time. I can go on... I do have experience and expertise in the field.

    Treatments are based on the diagnosis and in every situation the client/patient is always informed by a physician and given a choice (unless the person is a minor or incapable of making decisions for themselves). The agreed treatment is trialed and client./patient is monitored. The majority of individuals are treated as outpatients and they can go on with their daily lives, If their condition /symptoms are severe they may be treated in hospital. If the symptoms persist or the person feels worse the treatment plan can be changed.

    The number of people who have benefitted from professional treatment out number unsuccessful outcomes. Because of the stigma and shame of mental illness people prefer to focus on negative aspects.

    It takes alot of courage to come forward and talk about trauma. It takes more courage to disclose what interventions worked.
    You don't have to tell me about that stigma. Thanks to all the mental health experts on ADD I'm still dealing with issues that they created. And why I'm fully wary of anyone who's first advice is drugs to anyone.

    I said that when he is ready to seek help is it time. It just bugs me how people's first reaction is drugs and see a shrink. Come on people, he just had his world shattered. He needs time to process it for himself. To which he is doing. This is normal in any really bad situation.

  154. #154
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    Drugs are bad mmmkay.

  155. #155
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    Quote Originally Posted by shirk
    Drugs are bad mmmkay.
    One thing I used to do as an angsty teenager was go build a snowman in the back yard and then beat the "living" snot out of it with a baseball bat. Made me feel better every time. Plus, it's great exercise!
    Please enjoy seeing this terrible collection of me - something wonderful is about to happy.

  156. #156
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    Quote Originally Posted by Enduramil

    I said that when he is ready to seek help is it time. It just bugs me how people's first reaction is drugs and see a shrink. Come on people, he just had his world shattered. He needs time to process it for himself. To which he is doing. This is normal in any really bad situation.
    I did indeed. I don't want drugs masking the pain and clouding my thinking. If I don't start sleeping however, I may consider something just for that.

  157. #157
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    Quote Originally Posted by an alter id
    I did indeed. I don't want drugs masking the pain and clouding my thinking. If I don't start sleeping however, I may consider something just for that.

    Still not sleeping? Sorry to hear that. That is your most immediate problem right now, so to me, that would be the thing to address first.

    May I ask, where are you staying right now - your house, with your family? Or have you moved out somewhere else to clear your head? Or perhaps you have moved to the spare room?

    In any case, maybe your current environment is part of the reason why you are not sleeping. If so, this is something that can be addressed before you resort to sleeping pills.

    And GM's snowman idea sounds pretty good too...
    Strava made me do it....

  158. #158
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    Quote Originally Posted by Unglued
    Still not sleeping? Sorry to hear that. That is your most immediate problem right now, so to me, that would be the thing to address first.

    May I ask, where are you staying right now - your house, with your family? Or have you moved out somewhere else to clear your head? Or perhaps you have moved to the spare room?

    In any case, maybe your current environment is part of the reason why you are not sleeping. If so, this is something that can be addressed before you resort to sleeping pills.

    And GM's snowman idea sounds pretty good too...
    We're both still at home. We're treating each other well, but we're both suffering. Most of the time, I'm dealing pretty well. It's precisely when I'm trying to fall asleep that images, ideas, comments, etc flood my mind. It didn't help that I actually did get to sleep last night but was awoken by one of our kids coming into our room.

    I need to eat more too. I tasted acetone in my mouth this moring which scared me enough into eating even though I had no appetite..

    I know it sounds like I'm a cmplete wreck, but I think I'm improving. I have had some exercise too.

  159. #159
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    Quote Originally Posted by an alter id
    I need to eat more too. I tasted acetone in my mouth this moring which scared me enough into eating even though I had no appetite..
    I'm not familiar with this as a symptom of anything. What does it mean?
    Please enjoy seeing this terrible collection of me - something wonderful is about to happy.

  160. #160
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    Quote Originally Posted by garage monster
    I'm not familiar with this as a symptom of anything. What does it mean?
    I believe my body is eating itself.

    Not that bad, but a sign of fat (maybe muscle too?) metabolism being too high a proprtion of energy, or something like that.

  161. #161
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    Quote Originally Posted by an alter id
    I believe my body is eating itself.
    Uh-oh, time for a food pron intervention! (My apologies in advance if you're of the veggie persuasion.)

    <iframe title="YouTube video player" width="640" height="390" src="http://www.youtube.com/embed/0LDsk75q2Xw" frameborder="0" allowfullscreen></iframe>
    Please enjoy seeing this terrible collection of me - something wonderful is about to happy.

  162. #162
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    quite frankly, it took some courage to post this on a public forum. yeah, you did hide behind an alter id, but nonetheless... i do applaud your courage to come out and spill it out on the intraweb... obviously this is a very important part of our lives, that very few have courage to share and talk about...

    i think we all learned a thing or two, or more on this thread... we may have appeared as we were trying to help you, but this is a two way street, i feel...

    so don't sink to the bottom, stay here and share your thoughts with us. after all, life is not just about biking... biking is what connects people (unless they are a "special group" hint, hint) among other things, but we remain what we are - people...

    just some random thoughts... talk soon

  163. #163
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    Hell with that!

    <iframe title="YouTube video player" width="640" height="390" src="http://www.youtube.com/embed/FCxFn3sAw68" frameborder="0" allowfullscreen></iframe>

  164. #164
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    Quote Originally Posted by Nerdgirl
    Hell with that!
    Yep, highly compatible...

    I think we just figured out what we're making for dinner on Monday!
    Please enjoy seeing this terrible collection of me - something wonderful is about to happy.

  165. #165
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    Quote Originally Posted by Enduramil
    Exactly. I have lost track the number of times people have said you look depressed maybe you need drugs. Yet it passes. It is like any other mood, it becomes a problem if it persists for to long.
    or reoccurs at a certain frequency...
    broadcasting from
    "the vinyl basement"

    build trail!

  166. #166
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    And now for something completely different,

    <iframe title="YouTube video player" width="480" height="390" src="http://www.youtube.com/embed/wv7TyakE8qw" frameborder="0" allowfullscreen></iframe>

  167. #167
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    Quote Originally Posted by Enduramil
    And now for something completely different,
    Fat Mike and hardtails... If only they could find a way to deliver that in pill form.
    Please enjoy seeing this terrible collection of me - something wonderful is about to happy.

  168. #168
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    Quote Originally Posted by singlesprocket
    schizophrenia? nah just walk it off, be happy

    infections? you are not riding your bike enough

    cancer? more exercise!

    flu shots? quackery!

    i guess peoples life expectancy has dropped over the years with all this pill popping...
    Nice try. What I said was we now days jump to fast to pills and such first for everything. In some cases they are usefull. However we as a whole are a society that is way overmedicated for it's own good. The reality is that at least half of this could be easily solved by better nutrition, exercise, and more genberal daily activity.

    This will never happen though. Because there is no money to be made of this like there is of pills.

  169. #169
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    Quote Originally Posted by an alter id
    We're both still at home. We're treating each other well, but we're both suffering. Most of the time, I'm dealing pretty well. It's precisely when I'm trying to fall asleep that images, ideas, comments, etc flood my mind. It didn't help that I actually did get to sleep last night but was awoken by one of our kids coming into our room.

    I need to eat more too. I tasted acetone in my mouth this moring which scared me enough into eating even though I had no appetite..

    I know it sounds like I'm a cmplete wreck, but I think I'm improving. I have had some exercise too.

    Maybe a change of scenery? Do you guys have/have access to a cottage. If you headed up there this weekend for a bit of solitude to get your head together, maybe that would help. Seems like the least your spouse could do would be to watch the kids while you were gone.
    Strava made me do it....

  170. #170
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    Being depressed here is normal and appropriate i'd say. Just don't confuse that with clinical depression which is a chronic state for the rest of your life. It seems to be something which some people seem predisposed to through childhood experiences or genetics.

  171. #171
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    Quote Originally Posted by electrik
    Being depressed here is normal and appropriate i'd say. Just don't confuse that with clinical depression which is a chronic state for the rest of your life. It seems to be something which some people seem predisposed to through childhood experiences or genetics.
    Bingo. Being sad and depressed happens to us all. It can occur because our Grandad died or because you walked into work and found a 5 foot tall pile of crap paper work you are some how responsible for. It's normal.

    If the Oroginal Poster feels this in say 6 weeks it may be a problem.

  172. #172
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    Quote Originally Posted by garage monster
    Fat Mike and hardtails... If only they could find a way to deliver that in pill form.
    The Mistress will break your skinny XC arse in two.





  173. #173
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    Still here. We decided last night to move on together as a family, keep up appearances for our kids etc. It's the best we can do. We're still best frineds who care about each other, so it's not like it'll be hell. I'm just still mourning what I thought I had.So we're not really married like before (not a complete reconciliation), nor are we official separating. Call it what you want. It's our new reality. I thank you all for all of your help and distractions.
    Today I will go to the doctor about not sleeping (0 hours last night).

  174. #174
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    Quote Originally Posted by Enduramil
    Oroginal Poster.
    Funny how one mistyped vowel really changes a word!
    Please enjoy seeing this terrible collection of me - something wonderful is about to happy.

  175. #175
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    Quote Originally Posted by an alter id
    Still here. We decided last night to move on together as a family, keep up appearances for our kids etc. It's the best we can do.
    I hope YOU decided this. Do you mind me asking your financial situation?

    Is she still dating?

    Several things you need to do now:

    1) You have to make yourself the second priority after your kids. This includes:

    A) Improving your escapability. Salt away some cash. Ask the Scarlet Letter to pay a bigger share. Save money. Get your financial house in order.

    B) Keep healthy. Including your meat piston. Keep it well-oiled. Seriously, they say it takes a while to restore it when its been on vacation...

    C) Start marketing yourself - plant some seeds. There is a variety of benefits here: personally, I find I forget how to talk to women, especially one's I find attractive. Keep practicing.

    D) Reach out to friends, even if you've ignored them for years. Bros. will rally around you, you may need a "wing man". Schedule yourself "guy nights", go anywhere....for yourself and to let her know that you aren't a doormat.

    Second, seeing you "out there" may make your Wife (it pains me to use this term - I use it out of respect for you) appreciate what she lost. You are in a power struggle right now, AND YOU ARE LOSING. Walk tall, show you haven't conceded. Also, if you continue with the Friends bit, friends with benefits is good too. Be ruthless seperating feelings with burying the hatchet. If you can't, don't.
    "I love being on a bike. It helps me feel free. I get it from my dad", by Guillaume Blanchet

  176. #176
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    Quote Originally Posted by garage monster
    Funny how one mistyped vowel really changes a word!
    I giggled.

  177. #177
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    Quote Originally Posted by garage monster
    Funny how one mistyped vowel really changes a word!
    According to prophecy that is now the correct spelling.

  178. #178
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    Quote Originally Posted by an alter id
    Still here. We decided last night to move on together as a family, keep up appearances for our kids etc. It's the best we can do. We're still best frineds who care about each other, so it's not like it'll be hell. I'm just still mourning what I thought I had.So we're not really married like before (not a complete reconciliation), nor are we official separating. Call it what you want. It's our new reality. I thank you all for all of your help and distractions.
    Today I will go to the doctor about not sleeping (0 hours last night).
    if both of you plan to start seeing other people, that might be more confusing and difficult for the kids than just separating. if not, however, it can work as long as there is no outward hostility.

    when i was growing up, my parents were trying to reconcile their marriage and i found that it was easier when both parties decided to go their own way as it was essentially a house divided prior to that, anyway.however, your situation seems to have an entirey different air to it.

    if you were really best friends with feelings for each other, would this have happened? i question the other party's dedication and respect. but that's just me.

  179. #179
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    Interesting, well there are stages to it all...

    I just want to add, there is a difference between a saint and martyr... You don't want to both be martyrs, IMO, that means you won't be able to help anybody except the ideology of marriage or to bolster nostalgic memories. Despite relationship trouble being so easy to get into, it almost impossible to escape from, that is why I suggest speaking on occasion with a pro! Good luck and plan to not refill the script from the doc for sleeping pills. Careful with those things!

  180. #180
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    Quote Originally Posted by an alter id
    Still here. We decided last night to move on together as a family, keep up appearances for our kids etc. It's the best we can do. We're still best frineds who care about each other, so it's not like it'll be hell. I'm just still mourning what I thought I had.So we're not really married like before (not a complete reconciliation), nor are we official separating. Call it what you want. It's our new reality. I thank you all for all of your help and distractions.
    Today I will go to the doctor about not sleeping (0 hours last night).
    I would give this solution some time to sink in before making it official. I can understand you trying to salvage something out of this terrible situation, but to an outsider looking in it really looks like a get out of jail free card for the guilty party. No real consequences for selfish actions..

  181. #181
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    Quote Originally Posted by LuMach
    but to an outsider looking in it really looks like a get out of jail free card for the guilty party. No real consequences for selfish actions..

    Or in reality whatever path they choose outsiders need to shut the frack up and sit the frack down in regards to their choice. They are the one's who need to figure out what will work for them. Not what will work according to what will make everyone else happy.

  182. #182
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    Quote Originally Posted by Enduramil
    Or in reality whatever path they choose outsiders need to shut the frack up and sit the frack down in regards to their choice. They are the one's who need to figure out what will work for them. Not what will work according to what will make everyone else happy.
    You're just bitter that your three new threads have not nearly the popularity.
    "I love being on a bike. It helps me feel free. I get it from my dad", by Guillaume Blanchet

  183. #183
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    It's been fun watching this entire thread go through it's various stages. We started at shock and I think we're now somewhere off the shores of anger...

    Forgiveness is a virtue and if you can find a way to rehabilitate the trust you had, things always have a chance of working out.

    Just last week, I read about a couple that had been divorced for 50 years. They were both single again (through the passing of their "new" spouses) and they rediscovered each other. They'll now be married within the month.

    Life's weird that way.
    Please enjoy seeing this terrible collection of me - something wonderful is about to happy.

  184. #184
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    Quote Originally Posted by Biggie
    You're just bitter that your three new threads have not nearly the popularity.
    I am not on this mudball we call Earth to jump on the "Ohhh, look at me. I'm popular." bandwagon.

  185. #185
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    Quote Originally Posted by Biggie
    You're just bitter that your three new threads have not nearly the popularity.
    Oh - sounds like it's time for Biggie to start a new thread. Unless you already have...

  186. #186
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    Quote Originally Posted by Nerdgirl
    Oh - sounds like it's time for Biggie to start a new thread. Unless you already have...
    Ssshh. Don't say another word...
    "I love being on a bike. It helps me feel free. I get it from my dad", by Guillaume Blanchet

  187. #187
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    In reality, it was a multitude of factors. Kids, finances, knowing we could continue to live together, the fact that we still like each other and were civil to each other throughout (mostly), the fact you can always change your mind at any point and choose one of the other options... It is different though. Not the same.

    For the record, I could have done without the honour of starting an epic thread, but if it helped anyone else as much as it helped me...

    Edited to add: No sleeping pills. Went to get them, but every seat in the clinic waiting room was full.

  188. #188
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  189. #189
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    Quote Originally Posted by an alter id
    In reality, it was a multitude of factors. Kids, finances, knowing we could continue to live together, the fact that we still like each other and were civil to each other throughout (mostly), the fact you can always change your mind at any point and choose one of the other options... It is different though. Not the same.

    For the record, I could have done without the honour of starting an epic thread, but if it helped anyone else as much as it helped me...

    Edited to add: No sleeping pills. Went to get them, but every seat in the clinic waiting room was full.
    I'm glad you came to a resolution that you can both live with. Good luck.
    Strava made me do it....

  190. #190
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    Quote Originally Posted by singlesprocket
    schizophrenia? nah just walk it off, be happy

    infections? you are not riding your bike enough

    cancer? more exercise!

    flu shots? quackery!

    i guess peoples life expectancy has dropped over the years with all this pill popping...
    hah, you know i think we could make a pretty cool movie
    broadcasting from
    "the vinyl basement"

    build trail!

  191. #191
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    Quote Originally Posted by singlesprocket
    hah, you know i think we could make a pretty cool movie
    What the heck possessed you to bump this thread at 1 in the morning? I know what I was doing up (woohoo, Australian Grand Prix qualifying! ) but I woulda been fast asleep otherwise.
    Please enjoy seeing this terrible collection of me - something wonderful is about to happy.

  192. #192
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    Well, since it's been bumped... (but can we let it die after this update? - PM if you want, I still check under this ID too)

    I now know that infidelity is one of the hardest things anyone will ever deal with in their lives. Harder still is the aftermath and trying to figure out what to do...some days I want a divorce, other days I still can't imagine living without her. Most days, I waffle between the two about 50 times. I took off my wedding ring today (not necessarily permanently)...it felt weird not wearing it after so long.

    I know that if we didn't have children, I'd have left. But we do, and I want to stay (not saying I want her to). I've been to a lawyer, but sadly singlesprocket I didn't buy a new bike...I may end up regretting that as much as anything else. I still haven't told the other man's wife, which may end up allowing the affair to rekindle, and it may not be fair to her (I've agonized over this decision) either.

    What else? I'm not riding as much as I would like, but I have confided in the family and close friends that i initially didn't want to tell (see beginning of thread).

    Thanks to all of you for helping me through that dark first week (I lost 7 pounds and slept 12 hours)...I PMed a few of you from this thread (as well as ALL who had PMed me) a couple of updates and questions.

    One more thing...if anyone out there is intrigued by the idea of an extra-marital fling with someone from work, a weekly ride/race, or anywhere else, and you think "What's the harm?", "Is it really that big a deal?", or whetever else...please don't do it unless you're willing to take the chance of absolutely devestating your spouse and risking your family.

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