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  1. #1
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    Heard any good jokes lately?

    A salesman goes up to a house and knocks on the front door. It's opened by a little ten year-old boy who has a lighted cigar in one hand, a glass of whiskey in the other and a Penthouse magazine tucked under his arm.

    Salesman: "Hello son. Is your mom or dad home?"

    Little boy: "What the f*%k do you think?"

  2. #2
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    A social worker from a big city in Massachusetts recently transferred to the mountains of Tennessee and was on a first tour of her new territory when she came upon the tiniest cabin she had ever seen in her life. Intrigued, she went up and knocked on the door. "Anybody home?" she asked.

    "Yep," came a kid's voice through the door.

    "Is your father there?" asked the social worker.

    "Pa? Nope, he left fore Ma came in," said the kid.

    "Well, is your mother there?" persisted the social worker.

    "Ma? Nope, she left just fore I got here," said the kid.

    "But," protested the social worker, "are you never together as a family?"

    "Sure, but not here," said the kid through the door. "This is the outhouse!"

  3. #3
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    If Amy Winehouse lived in a tree she'd be Amy Treehouse
    If Amy Winehouse complained a lot she'd be Amy Whinehouse
    If Amy Winehouse got evicted she'd be Amy Findhouse
    If Amy Winehouse couldn't talk she'd be Amy Mimehouse
    If Amy Winehouse was a tree she'd be Amy Pinehouse
    If Amy Winehouse was a cookie she'd be Amy Tollhouse
    Woof Amy Winehouse woof woof woof woof woof Amy Doghouse
    If Amy Winehouse was on the simpsons she'd be Amy Milhouse

  4. #4
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    Whats the hardest part about eating a vegetable?



    ...the wheelchair

  5. #5
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    What did the fish say when it ran into the brick wall?


















    Dam.

  6. #6
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    What do you say to a woman with 2 black eyes???





    .....nothing, she's already been told twice.
    Ahhhh...Ahhhh....it's the hammy, it's the hammy!!

  7. #7
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    Why couldn't the pirates play cards??












    Because the Captain was sitting on the deck! lol

  8. #8
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    Quote Originally Posted by crazy03 View Post
    What do you say to a woman with 2 black eyes???





    .....nothing, she's already been told twice.
    Beating women is not funny.
    Use it, use it, use it while you still have it.

  9. #9
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    Quote Originally Posted by Gasp4Air View Post
    Beating women is not funny.

    You're absolutely right, but jokes about it can be
    Ahhhh...Ahhhh....it's the hammy, it's the hammy!!

  10. #10
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    What one snowman say to the other snowman?








    Do you smell carrots?
    60% of the time ......it works all the time

  11. #11
    Snowjnky McDreamy
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    A Jew, a black guy, a Mexican , a lawyer, a doctor, a genie, a blonde, a rope and a horse with a long face walk into a bar.

    The bartender stops them in their tracks and says " what the hell is this, some kind of joke?"
    Brother Seamus?
    Like an Irish monk?
    Comic relief in a discussion does no harm..
    CS Lewis
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  12. #12
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    Quote Originally Posted by Gasp4Air View Post
    Beating women is not funny.
    Neither are people with no sense of humor.

  13. #13
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    Hahaha someone just neg rep'd me for joke. You're the real joke buddy, I like the display of testicular fortitude by omitting your name. Allthough im fairly certain I know who it is. Good day sir.
    Ahhhh...Ahhhh....it's the hammy, it's the hammy!!

  14. #14
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    knock knock

    who's there?

    broken pencil

    broken pencil who?

    nevermind, it's pointless.

    thanks "Follow Me" for that one!

  15. #15
    Snowjnky McDreamy
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    Quote Originally Posted by the-one1 View Post
    Neither are people with no sense of humor.
    Yeah the black eye joke is played though, it was funny like 10 years ago. Plus domestic violence is not the funniest subject matter.
    If you want to make women jokes try to leave the DV at home.

    Why hasn't a women been to the moon?



    Because it does not need to be cleaned.
    Brother Seamus?
    Like an Irish monk?
    Comic relief in a discussion does no harm..
    CS Lewis
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  16. #16
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    A drunk gets up from the bar and heads for the restroom. A few minutes later, a loud, blood curdling scream is heard. A few minutes after that, another loud scream reverberates through the bar. The bartender goes to investigate why the drunk is screaming.

    "What's all the screaming about in there? You're scaring my customers!"

    "I'm just sitting here on the toilet and every time I try to flush, something comes up and sqeezes the hell out of my balls."

    With that, the bartender opens the door, looks in and says, "You idiot! You're sitting on the mop bucket!!!"

  17. #17
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    After three years of marriage, Kim was still questioning her husband about his lurid past. "C'mon, tell me," she asked for the thousandth time, "how many women have you slept with?"

    "Baby, " he protested, "if I told you, you'd throw a fit."

    Kim promised she wouldn't get angry, and convinced her hubby to tell her.

    "Okay," he said, "One, two, three, four, five, six, seven - then there's you - nine, ten, 11, 12, 13....."

  18. #18
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    Quote Originally Posted by SuperSlow35th View Post
    What did the fish say when it ran into the brick wall?


















    Dam.
    imo, most clever joke in here. + rep.

  19. #19
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    A termite walks in to a bar. He asks, "Hey, is the bar tender here?"

    Wakawaka.

  20. #20
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    Quote Originally Posted by SuperSlow35th View Post
    What did the fish say when it ran into the brick wall?







    Dam.
    I have always liked this one. Similar...

    What do you call a fish with no eye?


    A fsh.

  21. #21
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    Quote Originally Posted by snowjnky View Post
    Yeah the black eye joke is played though, it was funny like 10 years ago. Plus domestic violence is not the funniest subject matter.
    If you want to make women jokes try to leave the DV at home.

    Why hasn't a women been to the moon?



    Because it does not need to be cleaned.

    Ok, thanks for clarifying.

    DV=bad.

    Treating women as subserviant slaves=good.

    By the way im married to a beatiful woman and I am the step father to 3 beautiful little girls. I have nothing but respect for women and would never lay a hand on one....it was just a joke so lighten up.
    Ahhhh...Ahhhh....it's the hammy, it's the hammy!!

  22. #22
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    What's the difference betweeen a camaro and an erection?



















    I don't have a camaro

    Sent from my DROIDX using Tapatalk

  23. #23
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    What's the difference between jesus and a picture of jesus?




















    It only takes one nail to hang a picture of jesus.

    Waiting for the god squad to chime in on that one

    Sent from my DROIDX using Tapatalk

  24. #24
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    Quote Originally Posted by Gasp4Air View Post
    Beating women is not funny.


    Sent from my DROIDX using Tapatalk

  25. #25
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    Quote Originally Posted by whoopwhoop View Post
    What's the difference between jesus and a picture of jesus?




















    It only takes one nail to hang a picture of jesus.

    Waiting for the god squad to chime in on that one

    Sent from my DROIDX using Tapatalk
    Bwahahaha!!

  26. #26
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    Quote Originally Posted by whoopwhoop View Post
    What's the difference betweeen a camaro and an erection?



















    I don't have a camaro

    Sent from my DROIDX using Tapatalk

    I do lol.

  27. #27
    Snowjnky McDreamy
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    Quote Originally Posted by crazy03 View Post
    Ok, thanks for clarifying.



    By the way im married to a beatiful woman and I am the step father to 3 beautiful little girls. I have nothing but respect for women and would never lay a hand on one....it was just a joke so lighten up.
    Thank you for clarifying
    hopefully you have some black and Mexican friends so we can hear the rest of your hilarious jokes
    Brother Seamus?
    Like an Irish monk?
    Comic relief in a discussion does no harm..
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  28. #28
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    Quote Originally Posted by b-kul View Post
    imo, most clever joke in here. + rep.
    Ive always been a fan of lame jokes.



    A few other favorites....


    Why are manhole covers round?




    Because the hole is.

    Why do gorillas have big nostrils?




    They have big fingers.

    What do you call a fly with no wings?




    A walk.

  29. #29
    Snowjnky McDreamy
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    two more from me

    1.There’s two fish in a tank. One turns to the other and says

    ‘You man the guns, I’ll drive’

    2. What does a vegan zombie eat?








    Graaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaains
    Brother Seamus?
    Like an Irish monk?
    Comic relief in a discussion does no harm..
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  30. #30
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    Quote Originally Posted by snowjnky View Post
    Thank you for clarifying
    hopefully you have some black and Mexican friends so we can hear the rest of your hilarious jokes
    What kind of martial arts do mexicans practice?


    Judo, ju dono if he got gun, ju dono if he got a knife.

  31. #31
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    An American, English, and Polish couple sit down for dinner 1 night.

    The American husband asks his wife "sugar could you pass the sugar?"

    The Polish husband is really impressed and thinks to himself that I need to try to work that in somehow.

    The English Husband asks his wife "honey, could you pass the honey?"

    Buy now the polish husband is convinced that he needs to say something sweet to his wife.





    The Polish husband asks "Hey Piggy pass the pork."

  32. #32
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    Quote Originally Posted by crazy03 View Post
    Hahaha someone just neg rep'd me for joke. You're the real joke buddy, I like the display of testicular fortitude by omitting your name. Allthough im fairly certain I know who it is. Good day sir.
    Crazy - I didn't care for the subject of the joke, said so, and that was the end of it. If you're assuming I was the one who negged you, I didn't. I only leave positive reps. I don't care for the anonymity of neg reps.
    Use it, use it, use it while you still have it.

  33. #33
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    Quote Originally Posted by snowjnky View Post
    Thank you for clarifying
    hopefully you have some black and Mexican friends so we can hear the rest of your hilarious jokes
    uhhhh i fail to see the connection there snowhite. my apologies for getting your panties in a twist though, with all that sand in your vagina it must be pretty uncomfortable
    Ahhhh...Ahhhh....it's the hammy, it's the hammy!!

  34. #34
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    A guy walks into a bar with jumper cables.

    The bartender says, "You can come in, but don't start anything!"

  35. #35
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    A farmer walking into the house holding a goat under his arm and sees his wife sitting on the couch. He says "This is the pig I've been screwing." His wife says "Honey that isn't a pig, it's a goat" to which he replies "I was talking to the goat"

  36. #36
    Snowjnky McDreamy
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    Quote Originally Posted by crazy03 View Post
    uhhhh i fail to see the connection there snowhite. my apologies for getting your panties in a twist though, with all that sand in your vagina it must be pretty uncomfortable
    If you work at comedy too laboriously, you can kill what's funny in the joke.
    Richard Russo
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    Comic relief in a discussion does no harm..
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  37. #37
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    heres one from another forum im on...

    Job at the FBI

    The FBI had an opening for an assassin.

    After all the background checks, interviews




    And testing were done, there were 3 finalists;


    Two men and a woman.


    For the final test, the FBI agents took one of


    The men to a large metal door and handed


    Him a gun.


    'We must know that you will follow your


    Instructions no matter what the circumstances.


    Inside the room you will find your wife sitting


    In a chair .. . . Kill her!!'


    The man said, 'You can't be serious. I could


    Never shoot my wife.'


    The agent said, 'Then you're not the right man


    For this job. Take your wife and go home.'


    The second man was given the same instructions.


    He took the gun and went into the room. All was


    Quiet for about 5 minutes.


    The man came out with tears in his eyes, 'I tried,


    But I can't kill my wife.' The agent said, 'You don't


    Have what it takes. Take your wife and go home.'


    Finally, it was the woman's turn. She was given the


    Same instructions, to kill her husband. She took the


    Gun and went into the room. Shots were heard, one


    After another. They heard screaming, crashing,


    Banging on the walls. After a few minutes, all was


    Quiet. The door opened slowly and there stood the


    Woman, wiping the sweat from her brow.


    'This gun is loaded with blanks' she said. 'I had to


    Beat him to death with the chair.'



    MORAL:


    Women are crazy. Don't mess with them

  38. #38
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    ^Lmao.

  39. #39
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    heres another one i found on another forum. MAY BE CONSIDERED NASTY TO SOME!


    CHILI WARNING!!! Read if you want a good laugh.

    I went to Home Depot recently while not being altogether sure that course of action was a wise one. You see, the previous evening I had prepared and consumed a massive quantity of my patented "...you're definitely going to **** yourself road-kill chili". Tasty stuff, although hot to the point of being painful, which comes with a written guarantee from me that if you eat it, the next day both of your butt cheeks WILL fall off..

    Here's the thing. I had awakened that morning, and even after two cups of coffee (and all of you know what I mean) nothing happened. No "Watson's Movement". Despite the chillies swimming their way through my intestinal tract, I was unable to create the usual morning symphony referred to by my dear wife as "thunder and lightning".

    Knowing that a time of reckoning HAD to come, yet not sure of just when, I bravely set off for Home Depot, my quest being paint and supplies to refinish the deck. Upon entering the store at first all seemed normal. I selected a cart and began pushing it about dropping items in for purchase.. It wasn't until I was at the opposite end of the store from the toilets that the pain hit me.

    Oh, don't look at me like you don't know what I'm talking about. I'm referring to that 'Uh, Oh, Crap, gotta go' pain that always seems to hit us at the wrong time.The thing is, this pain was different. The chillies from the night before were staging a revolt. In a mad rush for freedom they bullied their way through the small intestines, forcing their way into the large intestines, and before I could take one step in the direction of the toilets which would bring sweet relief, it happened.. The chillies fired a warning shot.

    There I stood, alone in the paint and stain section, suddenly enveloped in a toxic cloud the likes of which has never before been recorded. I was afraid to move for fear that more of this vile odor might escape me. Slowly, oh so slowly, the pressure seemed to leave the lower part of my body, and I began to move up the aisle and out of it, just as a red aproned clerk turned the corner and asked if I needed any help. I don't know what made me do it, but I stopped to see what his reaction would be to the toxic non-visible fog that refused to dissipate.

    Have you ever been torn in two different directions emotionally? Here's what I mean, and I'm sure some of you at least will be able torelate. I could've warned that poor clerk, but didn't. I simply watched as he walked into an invisible, and apparently indestructible, wall of odor so terrible that all he could do before gathering his senses and running, was to stand there blinking and waving his arms about his head as though trying to ward off angry bees. This, of course, made me feel terrible, but then made me laugh. ...........BIG mistake!!!!!

    Here's the thing. When you laugh, it's hard to keep things 'clamped down', if you know what I mean. With each new guffaw an explosive issue burst forth from my nether region. Some were so loud and echoing that I was later told a few folks in other aisles had ducked, fearing that someone was robbing the store and firing off a shotgun. Suddenly things were no longer funny.. 'It' was coming, and I raced off through the store towards the toilet, laying down a cloud the whole way, praying that I'd make it before the grand explosion took place.

    Luck was on my side. Just in the nick of time I got to the john, began the inevitable "Oh my God, floating above the toilet seat because my ass is burning SO BAD", purging. One poor fellow walked in while I was in the middle of what is the true meaning of "Shock and Awe".. He made a gagging sound, and disgustedly said, "Son-of-a-*****!, did it smell that bad when you ate it?", then quickly left.

    Once finished and I left the restroom, reacquired my partially filled cart intending to carry on with my shopping when a store employee approached me and said, "Sir, you might want to step outside for a few minutes. It appears some prankster set off a stink bomb in the store. The manager is going to run the vent fans on high for a minute or two which ought to take care of the problem."

    My smirking of course set me off again, causing residual gases to escape me. The employee took one sniff, jumped back pulling his shirt up to cover his nose and, pointing at me in an accusing manner shouted, "IT'S YOU !!! " then ran off returning moments later with the manager. I was unceremoniously escorted from the premises and asked none too kindly not to return.

    Home again without my supplies, I realized that there was nothing to eat but leftover chili, so I consumed two more bowls. The next day I went to shop at Lowes.

    I can't say anymore about that because we are in court over the whole matter. Bastards claim they're going to have to repaint the store.

  40. #40
    Snowjnky McDreamy
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    Quote Originally Posted by mtbtacolover View Post
    heres one from another forum im on...

    Job at the FBI

    The FBI had an opening for an assassin.

    * * *
    Women are crazy. Don't mess with them
    LMFAO
    Close thread now. This is the winner
    Brother Seamus?
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    Comic relief in a discussion does no harm..
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  41. #41
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    Q: What's the difference between meat and fish?

    A: If you beat your fish it dies.
    Your fear of looking stupid is holding you back.

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    ^hahaha thats a good one

  43. #43
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    You wanna hear a joke?

    .... Yea, I got nothin'.
    Sometimes, I question the value of my content.

  44. #44
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    Three women are talking about the birth of the first child and how the position during intercourse determines the gender of the baby.

    The first one says, "I was on top and that means I'm having a girl".

    The second says, "My husband was on top so we're having a boy".

    At this point the third women starts crying hysterically. The other two ask her what's wrong and through the tears she manages to choke out, "I'm having a puppy"!

  45. #45
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    What's the difference between a cactus and a BMW?










    At least with the cactus, the pricks are on the outside.
    This is a Pugs not some carbon wannabee pretzel wagon!!

    - FrostyStruthers



    www.mendoncyclesmith.com

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    What's red and smells like blue paint?






















    Red paint.

  47. #47
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    What happens to a lawyer when he takes Viagra?

    He gets taller...

  48. #48
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    Two nuns are riding bicycles in Rome;

    Nun 1 : This is nice, I've never come this way before

    Nun 2 : It's the cobblestones.

  49. #49
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    Quote Originally Posted by Drew69 View Post
    If Amy Winehouse lived in a tree she'd be Amy Treehouse
    If Amy Winehouse complained a lot she'd be Amy Whinehouse
    If Amy Winehouse got evicted she'd be Amy Findhouse
    If Amy Winehouse couldn't talk she'd be Amy Mimehouse
    If Amy Winehouse was a tree she'd be Amy Pinehouse
    If Amy Winehouse was a cookie she'd be Amy Tollhouse
    Woof Amy Winehouse woof woof woof woof woof Amy Doghouse
    If Amy Winehouse was on the simpsons she'd be Amy Milhouse
    Not funny.

  50. #50
    Afric Pepperbird
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    Q) What's somewhat brown and often found in children's underpants?


    A) Michael Jackson's hand.


    (It carried more weight when he was still alive)

  51. #51
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    What did the spanish firefighter name his twin sons?







    Jose and hose b.
    Ahhhh...Ahhhh....it's the hammy, it's the hammy!!

  52. #52
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    A frantic spanish couple runs into a police station with their young son in tow. They confront the detective to tell him that their son Amal is missing and they cant find him. The detective proceeded to ask all the normal questions, looking at the obviously scared brother hiding behind his fathers chair. He comes down to the final question. "Now folks, Im going to need you to give me the best description of Amal that you can or a updated photograph." The father breathes and thinks for a second then he pulls his other son around. "Detective this is our other son, Juan". The detective looks at him, puzzled, "Ok, and? How does that help?" The father replies, "Well, sir, you see they are twins. So if youve seen Juan youve seen Amal."

  53. #53
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    Quote Originally Posted by SuperSlow35th View Post
    So if youve seen Juan youve seen Amal."
    Lol, that caught me off guard.

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    Even worse! At first I was deer in headlights, until I read it faster. DAAAAAAAAAHHH!!!!!!!!!

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    A baby seal walks into a bar.
    The bartender says “What can I get you to drink?”
    The baby seal says “Anything but a Canadian Club.”

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    What do you call a cow with no legs?



    Ground Beef

  57. #57
    Sleek Jamis Exile Rider
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    Quote Originally Posted by JesseC View Post
    What do you call a cow with no legs?



    Ground Beef
    What do you call a cow with 2 legs?



    Lean Beef

  58. #58
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    A blonde calls her boyfriend and says, "Please come over here and help me. I have a killer jigsaw puzzle, and I can't figure out how to get
    started."

    Her boyfriend asks, "What is it supposed to be when it's finished?"

    The blonde says, "According to the picture on the box, it's a rooster."

    Her boyfriend decides to go over and help with the puzzle.

    She lets him in and shows him where she has the puzzle spread all over the table.

    He studies the pieces for a brief moment, then looks at the box, then turns to her and says, "First of all, no matter what we do, we're not going to be able to assemble these pieces into anything resembling a rooster."

    He then takes her hand and says, "Now, let's put all the Corn Flakes back in the box."

  59. #59
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    Q: Why does Helen Keller masturbate using only one hand?

    A: She uses the other hand to moan.

    Q: Did you know that Helen Keller lived in a blue house?

    "No"

    A: Neither did she

    Q:Why did God create yeast infections?

    A: So women would know what it's like to live with an irritating c*nt once in a while too.

    Q: What's the difference between acne and MJ... Michael Jackson?

    A:Acne usually doesn't come on a kid's face until he's at least 13 years old

    Q: Why do men pay more for car insurance?

    A: Because women don't get blow jobs while they're driving.

  60. #60
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    Q: What's the difference between oral sex & anal sex?

    A: Oral sex makes your day, anal sex makes your hole weak.

    Q: . What's so good about an Ethiopian blowjob?

    A: You know she'll swallow

  61. #61
    I'm just messing with you
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    A penguin took his car in for repair, and then walked across the street to a dairy bar to wait for them to finish. They were running a sale on vanilla ice cream that day, and this penguin really liked vanilla ice cream so he had several helpings. But there's nothing that's messier than a penguin eating ice cream, and it ended up all over his face. As he was finishing up, the mechanic came in, looked at him and said "It looks like you blew a seal"
    Chasing bears through the woods drunk with a dull hatchet is strongly not advised

  62. #62
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    I just realized this joke thread was also put in the recycle bin. Damnit....

  63. #63
    ..is finally semi-skimmed
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    Where did Noah keep the bees?
    In archives.

    Hear about the agoraphobic homosexual? He came out, then went back in again.

    Research shows that 6 out of 7 dwarfs are not happy.

  64. #64
    Silence! I kill you!
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    Q. How do you know a blonde has been on the computer?

    A. There is whiteout on the screen.


    Q. How do you know a redhead has been on the computer?

    A. There is writing on the whiteout
    My photography website:
    Scott Mosher Photography

  65. #65
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    .


    Two peanuts walk into a bar.


    One was assaulted.


    .

  66. #66
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    A man is in a hotel lobby. As he runs to the front desk, he accidentally bumps into a woman and as he does, his elbow hits her breast.
    They are both quite startled. The man turns to her and says, "Ma'am, if your heart is as soft as your breast, I know you'll forgive me."
    She replies, "If your p*nis is as hard as your elbow, I'm in room 243."

  67. #67
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    This isn't really a joke but I laugh every time I see this. Last 7 seconds are the best even though the whole thing is only 14 seconds long



  68. #68
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    My dog has no nose.

    How does he smell?

    Awful.

  69. #69
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    A smart blonde, Santa Claus, and a brunette all jump off a building, which one hits the ground first?




    The brunette, theres no such thing as santa claus or a smart blonde.

  70. #70
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    .







    And I think we know what MOM needs!




    .

  71. #71
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    ^^^ Seems very happy with his new bike...

  72. #72
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    What's better than roses on your piano?








    Tulips on your organ.

  73. #73
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    Pirate walks into a bar with a steering wheel for a belt buckle.

    Bartender says: Hey Pirate, whats with the steering wheel?

    Pirate says: Arrrghhhh, that thing be drivin me nuts!

  74. #74
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    what did the deer say when it came out of the woods?






    I'll never do that for two bucks again!
    60% of the time ......it works all the time

  75. #75
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    .



    Doctor's Orders

    A woman accompanied her husband to the doctor's office. After his checkup, the doctor called the wife into his office alone. He said, "your husband is suffering from a very serious disease, combined with horrible stress. If you don't do the following, your husband will surely die. Each morning, fix him a healthy breakfast. Be pleasant, and make sure he is in a good mood. For lunch make him a nutritious meal he can take to work. And for dinner, prepare an especially nice meal for him. Don't burden him with chores, as this could further his stress. Don't discuss your problems with him it will only make his stress worse. Try to relax your husband in the evening by wearing lingerie and giving him plenty of backrubs. Encourage him to watch some type of sporting event on television. Most importantly, make love with your husband several times a week and satisfy his every whim. If you can do this for the next 10 months to a year, I think your husband will regain his health completely.

    On the way home, the husband asked his wife, "What did the doctor say?"

    "You're going to die," she replied.




    .

  76. #76
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    Prank calls to bike shops... (things you must know to get the joke, Giant makes an entry level mountain bike "boulder" and used to make the "iguana")


    Ok, call you local bike shop that carries Giant bikes and ask, "Do you have any Giant Boulder's?" Then if they say yes reply with "How do you move those things?!"

    Or "Do you have any Giant Iguana's?" .... "What do you feed those things?!"

  77. #77
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    How much cocaine has Charlie Sheen done in the last year?














    enough to kill two and a half men!

  78. #78
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    What did the stomach say to the belch?



    If you're quiet, I'll let you out the rear.

  79. #79
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    why don't women need watches?

    there is a clock on the oven.

  80. #80
    see me rollin, they hatin
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    i know a ton of racist jokes. the problem is, whenever i get with friends, they all know the punchlines. goes to show you the crowds i hang out with!

    So, man walks into the shrink's office wearing only plastic wrap from head to toe.
    the shrink says "well i can clearly see your nuts".

    BAM! (and sorry if that ones' been said. i'm not gonna read the whole thread)

  81. #81
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    Why couldn't Hellen Keller drive?




    Because she was a woman.

  82. #82
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    Quote Originally Posted by makeemsayunhhh View Post
    Why couldn't Hellen Keller drive?




    Because she was a woman.
    Funniest joke by far

  83. #83
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    A tough looking group of bikers were riding when they saw a woman about to jump off a bridge, so they stop.

    The leader, a big burly man, gets off his bike and says, "What are you doing?"

    "I'm going to commit suicide," she says.

    While he did not want to appear insensitive, he didn't want to miss an opportunity so he asked, "Well, before you jump, why don't you give me a kiss?"

    So, she does and it was a long, deep lingering kiss.

    After she's finished, the biker says, "Wow! That was the best kiss I have ever had. That's a real talent you are wasting. You could be famous. Why are you committing suicide?"

    "My parents don't like me dressing up like a woman..."

  84. #84
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    HAHAHAHAH nice!

  85. #85
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    What do you call an anorexic with a yeast infection?



    A quarter-pounder with cheese.

  86. #86
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    ^^^ I've heard another version of that that goes "what do you call an ethiopean with..." both great jokes. Wish this wasn't moved to recycle bin..good stuff

  87. #87
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    What do you call a deer with no eyes?


    No idea.

    What do you call a deer with no eyes and no legs?



    Still no idea.

  88. #88
    see me rollin, they hatin
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    this isnt really a joke, but it was a silly moment. i brought one of my girlfriends on a ride with me the other day, and she's a beginner. well we saw a group of riders in the parking lot, and i was trying to figure out if it was a shop ride. so i said something like "oh, look, its a bunch of yetis. probably the milford shop".
    and my friend was like, "omg! dont call them that! what if they heard you?"

    i was like, "NO the BIKES are yetis!" she thought i was calling them all sasquatches.

  89. #89
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    New Ford Truck

    I bought a new Ford F250 Tri-Flex Fuel Truck .
    Go figure it runs on either hydrogen, gasoline, or E85.
    I returned to the dealer yesterday
    because I couldn't get the radio to work…
    The service technician explained that the radio was voice activated.

    'Nelson,' the technician said to the radio.
    The radio replied, 'Ricky or Willie?'

    'Willie!' he continued and 'On The Road Again'
    came from the speakers.

    Then he said, 'Ray Charles!', and in an instant
    'Georgia On My Mind' replaced Willie Nelson.

    I drove away happy, and for the next few days,
    every time I'd say, 'Beethoven,'
    I'd get beautiful classical music, and if I said,
    'Beatles,' I'd get one of their awesome songs.

    Yesterday, some guy ran a red light
    and nearly creamed my new truck,
    but I swerved in time to avoid him.

    I yelled,"Knucklehead!"
    Immediately the radio responded with,

    Ladies and gentlemen,
    The President of The
    United States
    Man I love this truck.
    Originally Posted by Vtolds/Dremer03---- "assume any bikes left unlocked and unattended are free to take"

  90. #90
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    CUSSING IN CHURCH

    A crusty old man walks into the local Catholic church and says to the
    secretary, "I would like to join this damn church."

    The astonished woman replies, "I beg your pardon, Sir. I must have
    misunderstood you. What did you say?"

    "Listen up, damn it. I said I want to join this damn church!"

    "I'm very sorry sir, but that kind of language is not tolerated in this church."

    The secretary leaves her desk and goes into the priest's study to inform him of her situation. The priest agrees that the secretary does not have to listen to that foul language.

    They both return to her office and the priest asks the old geezer, "Sir, what seems to be the problem here?"

    "There is no damn problem," the man says. "I just won 20 million dollars in the damn lottery and I want to join this damn church to get rid of some of this damn money."

    "I see," said the priest. "And is this bit*h giving you a hard time?
    Originally Posted by Vtolds/Dremer03---- "assume any bikes left unlocked and unattended are free to take"

  91. #91
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    Quote Originally Posted by NicoleB28 View Post
    this isnt really a joke, but it was a silly moment. i brought one of my girlfriends on a ride with me the other day, and she's a beginner. well we saw a group of riders in the parking lot, and i was trying to figure out if it was a shop ride. so i said something like "oh, look, its a bunch of yetis. probably the milford shop".
    and my friend was like, "omg! dont call them that! what if they heard you?"

    i was like, "NO the BIKES are yetis!" she thought i was calling them all sasquatches.
    I don't mind being called a Yeti

  92. #92
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    Dr. Schambaugh, of the University of Oklahoma School of Chemical Engineering, Final Exam question for May of 1997. Dr. Schambaugh is known for asking questions such as, "why do airplanes fly?" on his final exams. His one and only final exam question in May 1997 for his Momentum, Heat and Mass Transfer II class was: "Is hell exothermic or endothermic? Support your answer with proof."

    Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs using Boyle's Law or some variant. One student, however, wrote the following:

    "First, We postulate that if souls exist, then they must have some mass. If they do, then a mole of souls can also have a mass. So, at what rate are souls moving into hell and at what rate are souls leaving? I think we can safely assume that once a soul gets to hell, it will not leave.

    Therefore, no souls are leaving. As for souls entering hell, let's look at the different religions that exist in the world today. Some of these religions state that if you are not a member of their religion, then you will go to hell. Since there are more than one of these religions and people do not belong to more than one religion, we can project that all people and souls go to hell. With birth and death rates as they are, we can expect the number of souls in hell to increase exponentially.

    Now, we look at the rate of change in volume in hell. Boyle's Law states that in order for the temperature and pressure in hell to stay the same, the ratio of the mass of souls and volume needs to stay constant. Two options exist:

    If hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at which souls enter hell, then the temperature and pressure in hell will increase until all hell breaks loose.
    If hell is expanding at a rate faster than the increase of souls in hell, then the temperature and pressure will drop until hell freezes over.
    So which is it? If we accept the quote given to me by Theresa Manyan during Freshman year, "that it will be a cold night in hell before I sleep with you" and take into account the fact that I still have NOT succeeded in having sexual relations with her, then Option 2 cannot be true...Thus, hell is exothermic."

    The student, Tim Graham, got the only A.

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    OT - So a rabi, a priest, and an imam walk into a bar

    You finish it...


  94. #94
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    What does Snoop Dogg wash his clothes with?

    Bleotch.

  95. #95
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    Quote Originally Posted by Moosey View Post
    What does Snoop Dogg wash his clothes with?

    Bleotch.
    Why does snoop dogg carry an umbrella?





    Fo'Drizzle
    2010 Giant Yukon FX
    Pure XCR Wheelset/Geax Saguaro Tires/Tubeless
    Bike Weight Lost: 2.48lbs (1124g)

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    My grandad was going on about the recession and how it was important that we spent our money wisely.

    I said "tell me something I don't know grandad"

    So he said " I can fit my whole fist up your grandmothers ass"







    My kinky mate told me he was doing twins and each one never knew about the other one

    I asked him how he could tell them appart , he said it was easy because Donna had blue eyes.....and Dave had a moustache
    I scurry away with my hardtail between my legs

  97. #97
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    What did one casket say to the other?


    Is that you coffin?

  98. #98
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    Alert: nerd joke ahead

    This went down in my honors chem class this morning....

    Prof: "What's the accepted definition of a kilogram?"
    Us: "A thousand grams!"
    Sometimes, I question the value of my content.

  99. #99
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    Quote Originally Posted by Shalom View Post
    What do you call an anorexic with a yeast infection?



    A quarter-pounder with cheese.


    What do you call a fat woman with a yeast infection?

    Whopper with cheese.
    Its all Shits and Giggles until somebody Giggles and Shits

  100. #100
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    THOUGHT FOR THE DAY

    A married man should forget his mistakes. There's no use in two people remembering the same thing!
    Originally Posted by Vtolds/Dremer03---- "assume any bikes left unlocked and unattended are free to take"

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