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  1. #1
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    Heard any good jokes lately?

    A salesman goes up to a house and knocks on the front door. It's opened by a little ten year-old boy who has a lighted cigar in one hand, a glass of whiskey in the other and a Penthouse magazine tucked under his arm.

    Salesman: "Hello son. Is your mom or dad home?"

    Little boy: "What the f*%k do you think?"

  2. #2
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    A social worker from a big city in Massachusetts recently transferred to the mountains of Tennessee and was on a first tour of her new territory when she came upon the tiniest cabin she had ever seen in her life. Intrigued, she went up and knocked on the door. "Anybody home?" she asked.

    "Yep," came a kid's voice through the door.

    "Is your father there?" asked the social worker.

    "Pa? Nope, he left fore Ma came in," said the kid.

    "Well, is your mother there?" persisted the social worker.

    "Ma? Nope, she left just fore I got here," said the kid.

    "But," protested the social worker, "are you never together as a family?"

    "Sure, but not here," said the kid through the door. "This is the outhouse!"

  3. #3
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    If Amy Winehouse lived in a tree she'd be Amy Treehouse
    If Amy Winehouse complained a lot she'd be Amy Whinehouse
    If Amy Winehouse got evicted she'd be Amy Findhouse
    If Amy Winehouse couldn't talk she'd be Amy Mimehouse
    If Amy Winehouse was a tree she'd be Amy Pinehouse
    If Amy Winehouse was a cookie she'd be Amy Tollhouse
    Woof Amy Winehouse woof woof woof woof woof Amy Doghouse
    If Amy Winehouse was on the simpsons she'd be Amy Milhouse

  4. #4
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    Whats the hardest part about eating a vegetable?



    ...the wheelchair

  5. #5
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    What did the fish say when it ran into the brick wall?


















    Dam.

  6. #6
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    What do you say to a woman with 2 black eyes???





    .....nothing, she's already been told twice.
    Ahhhh...Ahhhh....it's the hammy, it's the hammy!!

  7. #7
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    Why couldn't the pirates play cards??












    Because the Captain was sitting on the deck! lol

  8. #8
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    Quote Originally Posted by crazy03 View Post
    What do you say to a woman with 2 black eyes???





    .....nothing, she's already been told twice.
    Beating women is not funny.
    Use it, use it, use it while you still have it.

  9. #9
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    Quote Originally Posted by Gasp4Air View Post
    Beating women is not funny.

    You're absolutely right, but jokes about it can be
    Ahhhh...Ahhhh....it's the hammy, it's the hammy!!

  10. #10
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    What one snowman say to the other snowman?








    Do you smell carrots?
    60% of the time ......it works all the time

  11. #11
    Snowjnky McDreamy
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    A Jew, a black guy, a Mexican , a lawyer, a doctor, a genie, a blonde, a rope and a horse with a long face walk into a bar.

    The bartender stops them in their tracks and says " what the hell is this, some kind of joke?"
    Brother Seamus?
    Like an Irish monk?
    Comic relief in a discussion does no harm..
    CS Lewis
    Quadzilla

  12. #12
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    Quote Originally Posted by Gasp4Air View Post
    Beating women is not funny.
    Neither are people with no sense of humor.

  13. #13
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    Hahaha someone just neg rep'd me for joke. You're the real joke buddy, I like the display of testicular fortitude by omitting your name. Allthough im fairly certain I know who it is. Good day sir.
    Ahhhh...Ahhhh....it's the hammy, it's the hammy!!

  14. #14
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    knock knock

    who's there?

    broken pencil

    broken pencil who?

    nevermind, it's pointless.

    thanks "Follow Me" for that one!

  15. #15
    Snowjnky McDreamy
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    Quote Originally Posted by the-one1 View Post
    Neither are people with no sense of humor.
    Yeah the black eye joke is played though, it was funny like 10 years ago. Plus domestic violence is not the funniest subject matter.
    If you want to make women jokes try to leave the DV at home.

    Why hasn't a women been to the moon?



    Because it does not need to be cleaned.
    Brother Seamus?
    Like an Irish monk?
    Comic relief in a discussion does no harm..
    CS Lewis
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  16. #16
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    A drunk gets up from the bar and heads for the restroom. A few minutes later, a loud, blood curdling scream is heard. A few minutes after that, another loud scream reverberates through the bar. The bartender goes to investigate why the drunk is screaming.

    "What's all the screaming about in there? You're scaring my customers!"

    "I'm just sitting here on the toilet and every time I try to flush, something comes up and sqeezes the hell out of my balls."

    With that, the bartender opens the door, looks in and says, "You idiot! You're sitting on the mop bucket!!!"

  17. #17
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    After three years of marriage, Kim was still questioning her husband about his lurid past. "C'mon, tell me," she asked for the thousandth time, "how many women have you slept with?"

    "Baby, " he protested, "if I told you, you'd throw a fit."

    Kim promised she wouldn't get angry, and convinced her hubby to tell her.

    "Okay," he said, "One, two, three, four, five, six, seven - then there's you - nine, ten, 11, 12, 13....."

  18. #18
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    Quote Originally Posted by SuperSlow35th View Post
    What did the fish say when it ran into the brick wall?


















    Dam.
    imo, most clever joke in here. + rep.

  19. #19
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    A termite walks in to a bar. He asks, "Hey, is the bar tender here?"

    Wakawaka.

  20. #20
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    Quote Originally Posted by SuperSlow35th View Post
    What did the fish say when it ran into the brick wall?







    Dam.
    I have always liked this one. Similar...

    What do you call a fish with no eye?


    A fsh.

  21. #21
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    Quote Originally Posted by snowjnky View Post
    Yeah the black eye joke is played though, it was funny like 10 years ago. Plus domestic violence is not the funniest subject matter.
    If you want to make women jokes try to leave the DV at home.

    Why hasn't a women been to the moon?



    Because it does not need to be cleaned.

    Ok, thanks for clarifying.

    DV=bad.

    Treating women as subserviant slaves=good.

    By the way im married to a beatiful woman and I am the step father to 3 beautiful little girls. I have nothing but respect for women and would never lay a hand on one....it was just a joke so lighten up.
    Ahhhh...Ahhhh....it's the hammy, it's the hammy!!

  22. #22
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    What's the difference betweeen a camaro and an erection?



















    I don't have a camaro

    Sent from my DROIDX using Tapatalk

  23. #23
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    What's the difference between jesus and a picture of jesus?




















    It only takes one nail to hang a picture of jesus.

    Waiting for the god squad to chime in on that one

    Sent from my DROIDX using Tapatalk

  24. #24
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    Quote Originally Posted by Gasp4Air View Post
    Beating women is not funny.


    Sent from my DROIDX using Tapatalk

  25. #25
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    Quote Originally Posted by whoopwhoop View Post
    What's the difference between jesus and a picture of jesus?




















    It only takes one nail to hang a picture of jesus.

    Waiting for the god squad to chime in on that one

    Sent from my DROIDX using Tapatalk
    Bwahahaha!!

  26. #26
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    Quote Originally Posted by whoopwhoop View Post
    What's the difference betweeen a camaro and an erection?



















    I don't have a camaro

    Sent from my DROIDX using Tapatalk

    I do lol.

  27. #27
    Snowjnky McDreamy
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    Quote Originally Posted by crazy03 View Post
    Ok, thanks for clarifying.



    By the way im married to a beatiful woman and I am the step father to 3 beautiful little girls. I have nothing but respect for women and would never lay a hand on one....it was just a joke so lighten up.
    Thank you for clarifying
    hopefully you have some black and Mexican friends so we can hear the rest of your hilarious jokes
    Brother Seamus?
    Like an Irish monk?
    Comic relief in a discussion does no harm..
    CS Lewis
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  28. #28
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    Quote Originally Posted by b-kul View Post
    imo, most clever joke in here. + rep.
    Ive always been a fan of lame jokes.



    A few other favorites....


    Why are manhole covers round?




    Because the hole is.

    Why do gorillas have big nostrils?




    They have big fingers.

    What do you call a fly with no wings?




    A walk.

  29. #29
    Snowjnky McDreamy
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    two more from me

    1.There’s two fish in a tank. One turns to the other and says

    ‘You man the guns, I’ll drive’

    2. What does a vegan zombie eat?








    Graaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaains
    Brother Seamus?
    Like an Irish monk?
    Comic relief in a discussion does no harm..
    CS Lewis
    Quadzilla

  30. #30
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    Quote Originally Posted by snowjnky View Post
    Thank you for clarifying
    hopefully you have some black and Mexican friends so we can hear the rest of your hilarious jokes
    What kind of martial arts do mexicans practice?


    Judo, ju dono if he got gun, ju dono if he got a knife.

  31. #31
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    An American, English, and Polish couple sit down for dinner 1 night.

    The American husband asks his wife "sugar could you pass the sugar?"

    The Polish husband is really impressed and thinks to himself that I need to try to work that in somehow.

    The English Husband asks his wife "honey, could you pass the honey?"

    Buy now the polish husband is convinced that he needs to say something sweet to his wife.





    The Polish husband asks "Hey Piggy pass the pork."

  32. #32
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    Quote Originally Posted by crazy03 View Post
    Hahaha someone just neg rep'd me for joke. You're the real joke buddy, I like the display of testicular fortitude by omitting your name. Allthough im fairly certain I know who it is. Good day sir.
    Crazy - I didn't care for the subject of the joke, said so, and that was the end of it. If you're assuming I was the one who negged you, I didn't. I only leave positive reps. I don't care for the anonymity of neg reps.
    Use it, use it, use it while you still have it.

  33. #33
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    Quote Originally Posted by snowjnky View Post
    Thank you for clarifying
    hopefully you have some black and Mexican friends so we can hear the rest of your hilarious jokes
    uhhhh i fail to see the connection there snowhite. my apologies for getting your panties in a twist though, with all that sand in your vagina it must be pretty uncomfortable
    Ahhhh...Ahhhh....it's the hammy, it's the hammy!!

  34. #34
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    A guy walks into a bar with jumper cables.

    The bartender says, "You can come in, but don't start anything!"

  35. #35
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    A farmer walking into the house holding a goat under his arm and sees his wife sitting on the couch. He says "This is the pig I've been screwing." His wife says "Honey that isn't a pig, it's a goat" to which he replies "I was talking to the goat"

  36. #36
    Snowjnky McDreamy
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    Quote Originally Posted by crazy03 View Post
    uhhhh i fail to see the connection there snowhite. my apologies for getting your panties in a twist though, with all that sand in your vagina it must be pretty uncomfortable
    If you work at comedy too laboriously, you can kill what's funny in the joke.
    Richard Russo
    Brother Seamus?
    Like an Irish monk?
    Comic relief in a discussion does no harm..
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  37. #37
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    heres one from another forum im on...

    Job at the FBI

    The FBI had an opening for an assassin.

    After all the background checks, interviews




    And testing were done, there were 3 finalists;


    Two men and a woman.


    For the final test, the FBI agents took one of


    The men to a large metal door and handed


    Him a gun.


    'We must know that you will follow your


    Instructions no matter what the circumstances.


    Inside the room you will find your wife sitting


    In a chair .. . . Kill her!!'


    The man said, 'You can't be serious. I could


    Never shoot my wife.'


    The agent said, 'Then you're not the right man


    For this job. Take your wife and go home.'


    The second man was given the same instructions.


    He took the gun and went into the room. All was


    Quiet for about 5 minutes.


    The man came out with tears in his eyes, 'I tried,


    But I can't kill my wife.' The agent said, 'You don't


    Have what it takes. Take your wife and go home.'


    Finally, it was the woman's turn. She was given the


    Same instructions, to kill her husband. She took the


    Gun and went into the room. Shots were heard, one


    After another. They heard screaming, crashing,


    Banging on the walls. After a few minutes, all was


    Quiet. The door opened slowly and there stood the


    Woman, wiping the sweat from her brow.


    'This gun is loaded with blanks' she said. 'I had to


    Beat him to death with the chair.'



    MORAL:


    Women are crazy. Don't mess with them

  38. #38
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    ^Lmao.

  39. #39
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    heres another one i found on another forum. MAY BE CONSIDERED NASTY TO SOME!


    CHILI WARNING!!! Read if you want a good laugh.

    I went to Home Depot recently while not being altogether sure that course of action was a wise one. You see, the previous evening I had prepared and consumed a massive quantity of my patented "...you're definitely going to **** yourself road-kill chili". Tasty stuff, although hot to the point of being painful, which comes with a written guarantee from me that if you eat it, the next day both of your butt cheeks WILL fall off..

    Here's the thing. I had awakened that morning, and even after two cups of coffee (and all of you know what I mean) nothing happened. No "Watson's Movement". Despite the chillies swimming their way through my intestinal tract, I was unable to create the usual morning symphony referred to by my dear wife as "thunder and lightning".

    Knowing that a time of reckoning HAD to come, yet not sure of just when, I bravely set off for Home Depot, my quest being paint and supplies to refinish the deck. Upon entering the store at first all seemed normal. I selected a cart and began pushing it about dropping items in for purchase.. It wasn't until I was at the opposite end of the store from the toilets that the pain hit me.

    Oh, don't look at me like you don't know what I'm talking about. I'm referring to that 'Uh, Oh, Crap, gotta go' pain that always seems to hit us at the wrong time.The thing is, this pain was different. The chillies from the night before were staging a revolt. In a mad rush for freedom they bullied their way through the small intestines, forcing their way into the large intestines, and before I could take one step in the direction of the toilets which would bring sweet relief, it happened.. The chillies fired a warning shot.

    There I stood, alone in the paint and stain section, suddenly enveloped in a toxic cloud the likes of which has never before been recorded. I was afraid to move for fear that more of this vile odor might escape me. Slowly, oh so slowly, the pressure seemed to leave the lower part of my body, and I began to move up the aisle and out of it, just as a red aproned clerk turned the corner and asked if I needed any help. I don't know what made me do it, but I stopped to see what his reaction would be to the toxic non-visible fog that refused to dissipate.

    Have you ever been torn in two different directions emotionally? Here's what I mean, and I'm sure some of you at least will be able torelate. I could've warned that poor clerk, but didn't. I simply watched as he walked into an invisible, and apparently indestructible, wall of odor so terrible that all he could do before gathering his senses and running, was to stand there blinking and waving his arms about his head as though trying to ward off angry bees. This, of course, made me feel terrible, but then made me laugh. ...........BIG mistake!!!!!

    Here's the thing. When you laugh, it's hard to keep things 'clamped down', if you know what I mean. With each new guffaw an explosive issue burst forth from my nether region. Some were so loud and echoing that I was later told a few folks in other aisles had ducked, fearing that someone was robbing the store and firing off a shotgun. Suddenly things were no longer funny.. 'It' was coming, and I raced off through the store towards the toilet, laying down a cloud the whole way, praying that I'd make it before the grand explosion took place.

    Luck was on my side. Just in the nick of time I got to the john, began the inevitable "Oh my God, floating above the toilet seat because my ass is burning SO BAD", purging. One poor fellow walked in while I was in the middle of what is the true meaning of "Shock and Awe".. He made a gagging sound, and disgustedly said, "Son-of-a-*****!, did it smell that bad when you ate it?", then quickly left.

    Once finished and I left the restroom, reacquired my partially filled cart intending to carry on with my shopping when a store employee approached me and said, "Sir, you might want to step outside for a few minutes. It appears some prankster set off a stink bomb in the store. The manager is going to run the vent fans on high for a minute or two which ought to take care of the problem."

    My smirking of course set me off again, causing residual gases to escape me. The employee took one sniff, jumped back pulling his shirt up to cover his nose and, pointing at me in an accusing manner shouted, "IT'S YOU !!! " then ran off returning moments later with the manager. I was unceremoniously escorted from the premises and asked none too kindly not to return.

    Home again without my supplies, I realized that there was nothing to eat but leftover chili, so I consumed two more bowls. The next day I went to shop at Lowes.

    I can't say anymore about that because we are in court over the whole matter. Bastards claim they're going to have to repaint the store.

  40. #40
    Snowjnky McDreamy
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    Quote Originally Posted by mtbtacolover View Post
    heres one from another forum im on...

    Job at the FBI

    The FBI had an opening for an assassin.

    * * *
    Women are crazy. Don't mess with them
    LMFAO
    Close thread now. This is the winner
    Brother Seamus?
    Like an Irish monk?
    Comic relief in a discussion does no harm..
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  41. #41
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    Q: What's the difference between meat and fish?

    A: If you beat your fish it dies.
    Your fear of looking stupid is holding you back.

  42. #42
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    ^hahaha thats a good one

  43. #43
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    You wanna hear a joke?

    .... Yea, I got nothin'.
    Sometimes, I question the value of my content.

  44. #44
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    Three women are talking about the birth of the first child and how the position during intercourse determines the gender of the baby.

    The first one says, "I was on top and that means I'm having a girl".

    The second says, "My husband was on top so we're having a boy".

    At this point the third women starts crying hysterically. The other two ask her what's wrong and through the tears she manages to choke out, "I'm having a puppy"!

  45. #45
    All Lefty's, all the time Moderator
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    What's the difference between a cactus and a BMW?










    At least with the cactus, the pricks are on the outside.
    This is a Pugs not some carbon wannabee pretzel wagon!!

    - FrostyStruthers



    www.mendoncyclesmith.com

  46. #46
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    What's red and smells like blue paint?






















    Red paint.

  47. #47
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    What happens to a lawyer when he takes Viagra?

    He gets taller...

  48. #48
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    Two nuns are riding bicycles in Rome;

    Nun 1 : This is nice, I've never come this way before

    Nun 2 : It's the cobblestones.

  49. #49
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    Quote Originally Posted by Drew69 View Post
    If Amy Winehouse lived in a tree she'd be Amy Treehouse
    If Amy Winehouse complained a lot she'd be Amy Whinehouse
    If Amy Winehouse got evicted she'd be Amy Findhouse
    If Amy Winehouse couldn't talk she'd be Amy Mimehouse
    If Amy Winehouse was a tree she'd be Amy Pinehouse
    If Amy Winehouse was a cookie she'd be Amy Tollhouse
    Woof Amy Winehouse woof woof woof woof woof Amy Doghouse
    If Amy Winehouse was on the simpsons she'd be Amy Milhouse
    Not funny.

  50. #50
    Afric Pepperbird
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    Q) What's somewhat brown and often found in children's underpants?


    A) Michael Jackson's hand.


    (It carried more weight when he was still alive)

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