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  1. #1
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    Well how long are you gonna take? Passion buzzkill

    So I had a great ride today, awesome trail, awesome riding buddies, nice views, some fast night riding thrown in at the end to end the night, you know... just one of those great rides that leave you feeling fulfilled.

    And I check my phone...few missed calls...from my wife. And there go the questions...Where have you been? Why do you have to ride so long (2.5 hours is not long). I need your help at home... How long are you gonna take? <--- that one really sucks. Mountain biking should not have a curfew. And so on....I work full time, go to school full time, and she is a stay at home mom. Sense my frustration here?

    Anyone else go through this?

  2. #2
    Terrain Sculptor
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    Nope! Your wife never calls me. She doesn't seem to care how much I ride.

    My wife says you can ride as much as you like.

  3. #3
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    Nice!

  4. #4
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    I get that sometimes too. If you want to look at it another way, it must mean she misses you and wants to be around you. Not everyone can say that!

  5. #5
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    Bonking ... not feelin' well

    No.Sorry about your situation.

  6. #6
    Pretty in Pink
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    I think you might be better off talking to your wife about this. Not much you can accomplish by whining to us, while talking to her could solve all of your problems. Plus if she stumbled upon you whining about her like this on the intar-webs you might just end up with one less problem, and half your stuff.
    "There are two ways of spreading light ...
    To be the candle, or the mirror that reflects it."
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  7. #7
    i also unicycle
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    sucks. hell, when i'm on edge, or have been stressed about anything and my wife notices she practically pushes me out the door.
    mtbr says you should know: i work in a bike shop.
    bikes & beers (on my blog) http://idontrideenough.blogspot.com/

  8. #8
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    Quote Originally Posted by mightymouse
    I get that sometimes too. If you want to look at it another way, it must mean she misses you and wants to be around you. Not everyone can say that!
    Nice spin. Hadn't thought of it that way.

  9. #9
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    Quote Originally Posted by ThePinkBarron
    I think you might be better off talking to your wife about this. Not much you can accomplish by whining to us, while talking to her could solve all of your problems. Plus if she stumbled upon you whining about her like this on the intar-webs you might just end up with one less problem, and half your stuff.
    It's unlikely she would find this, and I doubt it would turn out that bad. But you're probably right about the talking part.

    Hey I'm feeling better already just by getting it out there to the "world."

  10. #10
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    Maybe it's because in the very small amount of free time you have, she'd like to see you? My fiance is in school full time and works as well, and if she told me she was spending the rare time we have together going shopping with her friends or something else girly, I probably wouldn't be too happy.

  11. #11
    Rolling
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    I heard the phone ring from your wife saying you were on a six hour ride.

    Lucky for you, I told her I was going on a four hour ride, I only have two hours.

  12. #12
    Scribb
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    I had this issue when I was training and trying to get 14 hours a week in to ride. The bottom line is, it's kind of like a bank account: the more time I want for myself, the more time I need to invest in picking up slack at home in ways that are important to my wife. That doesn't mean I'm always good at doing it--but I always know when she starts complaining that I have to fill up the account again.

    Stuff that helps:

    1. Setting expectations (when am I going to ride and for how long?).
    2. Minimizing the impact on everyone else (riding early in the morning, at lunch, and late at night)
    3. Trading time so my wife can play (I've got a four hour ride on Saturday, but I'll stay home Sunday while you play)
    4. Proactively doing chores she hates to do (I'm dangerous near the laundry but nothing makes her happier than putting through a couple of loads--and doing something unasked is worth 10x doing something asked.)
    5. Open communication to put all of that in place.

    This time of year, I can night ride all night long for all my wife cares, as long as I don't leave before the kids homework is finished and we've done the dishes. But all that said, sometimes my wife just isn't happy about something and my going off for a ride pisses her off. Since it's not a chronic condition, those times I just weigh how much I need the ride, and I do what I need to do and let the chips fall.
    Life. It's bigger.

  13. #13
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    Quote Originally Posted by Scribb
    ...

    The bottom line is, it's kind of like a bank account: the more time I want for myself, the more time I need to invest in picking up slack at home in ways that are important to my wife. That doesn't mean I'm always good at doing it--but I always know when she starts complaining that I have to fill up the account again.

    ...
    Excellent advice.

    Thread closed.

  14. #14
    My spelling is atroshus
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    Just because you are married doesn't mean your wife owns you or your time.


    *ducks and runs for cover while keeping vigil for the wife*

  15. #15
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    Never

    I have had riding buddies answer those questions on the trail but my wife would never call. I tell her when I leave approximately when I will return, where I am going and with whom. She really is not interested in anything else and is enough of an adult to do things on her own.<?xml:namespace prefix = o ns = "urn:schemas-microsoft-comfficeffice" /><o></o>
    <o></o>
    She does not need me to get things done and does not feel so insecure that she has to call me when I am doing something.

    The big difference may be that our children are grown and living on their own. I can see the need for a second parent at times. Being alone with the animals can try anyone's patients.

  16. #16
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    Quote Originally Posted by Straz85
    Maybe it's because in the very small amount of free time you have, she'd like to see you? My fiance is in school full time and works as well, and if she told me she was spending the rare time we have together going shopping with her friends or something else girly, I probably wouldn't be too happy.
    best post in this thread.

  17. #17
    Suburban Redneck
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    Quote Originally Posted by Scribb
    I had this issue when I was training and trying to get 14 hours a week in to ride. The bottom line is, it's kind of like a bank account: the more time I want for myself, the more time I need to invest in picking up slack at home in ways that are important to my wife. That doesn't mean I'm always good at doing it--but I always know when she starts complaining that I have to fill up the account again.

    Stuff that helps:

    1. Setting expectations (when am I going to ride and for how long?).
    2. Minimizing the impact on everyone else (riding early in the morning, at lunch, and late at night)
    3. Trading time so my wife can play (I've got a four hour ride on Saturday, but I'll stay home Sunday while you play)
    4. Proactively doing chores she hates to do (I'm dangerous near the laundry but nothing makes her happier than putting through a couple of loads--and doing something unasked is worth 10x doing something asked.)
    5. Open communication to put all of that in place.

    This time of year, I can night ride all night long for all my wife cares, as long as I don't leave before the kids homework is finished and we've done the dishes. But all that said, sometimes my wife just isn't happy about something and my going off for a ride pisses her off. Since it's not a chronic condition, those times I just weigh how much I need the ride, and I do what I need to do and let the chips fall.
    Yeah, this pretty much nailed it. I sometimes get the call the OP is talking about, but only if I go over the time I told her I'd be taking. Which means that she is just concerned. A big part of it with me is that I work two jobs (with f/t being 3 pm->midnight) and we've got two small chldren. It's hard for me to justify (to myself) going for a Saturday afternoon ride when I barely see them as it is. 95% percent of my rides have me out the door before they wake up and home only shortly after the baddies are up and about. Unless it's something planned in advance. This past Sunday I had decided to ride early but she woke up with a migraine. Had to put it off. That is until she recovered and saw that I had done some work around the house and her brother took the kids. "Thanks babe. Why don't you take an afternoon ride?" And you know what? It was a GREAT ride! I used to feel that I should be given the greenlight more since I was riding ALOT before I met her. But it's a two-way street, as is any relationship. Communicate with her about it. I bet it'll get easier.
    I'm not big-boned, I'm a Clyde.

  18. #18
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    I have a wife that works from home with 2 kids. When I worked full time, I chose to combine riding and working.. I commuted. It was different than mtb'ing, but still dangerous and pushed my fitness. Now I am not working and I got her a bike so she "can" ride with me. When I go out on what she calls "crazy" rides (long distance, late evening trail, etc) I plan ahead, tell her I am gonna do it at least earlier in the day or the night before if it is an early "crazy" ride.
    My secret is -every other time I "tell" her I am going for a ride, it sounds like this, "Do you mind if I....?"
    And usually it is over a meal I just cooked, or while I am changing a diaper, or keeping the other kid from ... doing what toddlers shouldn't do.

    texting also helps. If I were in the OP's place, I would have sent a discrete text to the effect of, "having a great ride. staying a little longer. luv u"

    So the Scribb's reply wins... communication always wins. That's what we're doing now.

  19. #19
    Des(s)ert Rat
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    Here's a female perspective...

    I was at home with the kids for about 7 days and could have really used a break and some singletrack. I got a call from Switzerland saying he's missed his flight. I wanna know how long are he's going to take! And when do I get to go out and play!?

    After a few years of his being out of town for 1/4-1/3 of the year "doing his thing," I was gone. While I realize that this might be an extreme case, check the balance of time with her, time to yourself, and time to herself. You didn't mention if you had kids, they always come first.

  20. #20
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    Like what was stated above. Emotional bank account works wonders. Bring home flowers every now and then for no reason. Do random stuff around the house without being told. Work your butt off at making her feel awesome. That way when you want to go ride you'll "have enough money in the bank".

  21. #21
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    Quote Originally Posted by Scribb
    I had this issue when I was training and trying to get 14 hours a week in to ride. The bottom line is, it's kind of like a bank account: the more time I want for myself, the more time I need to invest in picking up slack at home in ways that are important to my wife. That doesn't mean I'm always good at doing it--but I always know when she starts complaining that I have to fill up the account again.

    Stuff that helps:

    1. Setting expectations (when am I going to ride and for how long?).
    2. Minimizing the impact on everyone else (riding early in the morning, at lunch, and late at night)
    3. Trading time so my wife can play (I've got a four hour ride on Saturday, but I'll stay home Sunday while you play)
    4. Proactively doing chores she hates to do (I'm dangerous near the laundry but nothing makes her happier than putting through a couple of loads--and doing something unasked is worth 10x doing something asked.)
    5. Open communication to put all of that in place.

    This time of year, I can night ride all night long for all my wife cares, as long as I don't leave before the kids homework is finished and we've done the dishes. But all that said, sometimes my wife just isn't happy about something and my going off for a ride pisses her off. Since it's not a chronic condition, those times I just weigh how much I need the ride, and I do what I need to do and let the chips fall.
    ditto.

    OP, your wife probably doesn't care that you're out riding, but rather that you're not taking care of her needs as well. It only took me ~6 years to figure that one out with mine.

  22. #22
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    I have a 3.5 year old, wife is a stay at home mom. Our agreement is I get we'd afternoon to ride ( til about 7-8) and Sunday mornings. Sat morning I have the duty of getting up when izzy does.

    Sunday we flipped the schedule and I did a late ride. 6 miles in I get a text " how ur ride?". I respond and ask how things going. ......... "not good". Buzz kill. I tell her I on the way. She replies " don't cut short"..... I finished up but not as long as I wanted to ride. Just have to give and take some. Typically she takes more but life is not 50/50.
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  23. #23
    Scribb
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    Just because you are married doesn't mean your wife owns you or your time.
    Extending the metaphor: You're only whipped if you're in a relationship where you make deposits but you can't make your own withdrawals.
    Life. It's bigger.

  24. #24
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    I find that when I take my 10 y/o with me, she's always saying 'don't rush home, make sure you get a good ride in'. Not sure what that's about.....however, the wife is now getting envious that we come home with all kinds of stories about what a great ride we had, who fell down a ravine today, wildlife sightings, etc. I'm guessing she'll want in on the fun soon.

    I think it's all about balance. If you talk and work it out, everybody wins. Scribb's pretty much nailed it.

  25. #25
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    Quote Originally Posted by atxlatino
    So I had a great ride today, awesome trail, awesome riding buddies, nice views, some fast night riding thrown in at the end to end the night, you know... just one of those great rides that leave you feeling fulfilled.

    And I check my phone...few missed calls...from my wife. And there go the questions...Where have you been? Why do you have to ride so long (2.5 hours is not long). I need your help at home... How long are you gonna take? <--- that one really sucks. Mountain biking should not have a curfew. And so on....I work full time, go to school full time, and she is a stay at home mom. Sense my frustration here?

    Anyone else go through this?
    Let's see... you work full time, go to school full time and when you're home, you go ride for a few hours. When do you get to be a dad?

    Lots of us guys have your perspective initially. I've had a unique opportunity to spend the summer at home with my wife and daughter and being a stay at home mom is as much a full time job as our day jobs are.

    Add in your school requirements and wanting you home us pretty normal and you taking 2.5 hour rides just adds to all that. And 2.5 hours IS long when you add up prep, travel and return to home.

    If you're not careful and considerate about this, you'll have plenty of time to ride in the future....

  26. #26
    I'm just messing with you
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    The correct reply is

    I'm not sure when I'll be home, but you darn sure better have a sandwich ready for me when I come in the door
    Chasing bears through the woods drunk with a dull hatchet is strongly not advised

  27. #27
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    Yep I get stuff like this all the time. I constantly hear do you have the bikes loaded, is the water ready, here is breakfast hurry and eat so we can go. Man it just sucks.

  28. #28
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    Quote Originally Posted by wv_bob
    The correct reply is

    I'm not sure when I'll be home, but you darn sure better have a sandwich ready for me when I come in the door
    Haha, that made me chuckle... Good one!

  29. #29
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    I'm never getting married...

  30. #30
    fnar fnar brrraaaaap
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    i used to ride with a group back in australia and one guy in particular got calls from his wife all the time. rides got cut short. phone would stop flow. no one likes riding with that!

    my advice is to turn the phone off and tell your wife to pull her neck in. you need time out. the end If not you will end up riding alone....

  31. #31
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    My wife is always encouraging me to ride, like 7 days a week, after work, at night, etc. I just cant figure out why there is the same car parked in front of my house when I return and our bedroom window is always open. My wife's hair is always a mess, I just figure she must be working out on her own and that is why she wants me gone! Weird, huh?

  32. #32
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    Just out of curiosity, how old are your kids? Less than school age?
    My wife and are lucky in that we have flexible jobs, so at the moment we both work three days a week, and each have two days a week looking after our three year old and one year old (Wednesdays we overlap and they go to childcare).
    Now I've done a lot of jobs in my time, and a lot of study at tertiary level as well. I can pretty much guarantee that whatever your job is, and whatever you're studying, neither are as stressful or tiring as looking after little ones, especially if you're trying to get meals cooked, washing done, house cleaned etc etc while preventing toddlers from killing themselves or each other.
    You work full time and study full time while she's a 'stay at home mom'? Try and get some rides in by all means, but at the same time, you should man the f.u. and be a dad and a husband--which includes recognising that she probably needs some time out a hell of a lot more than you do.

  33. #33
    Scribb
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    Just marry an agoraphobic bike mechanic. Problem solved.
    Life. It's bigger.

  34. #34
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    Mate, don't let your marriage be ruled by petticoat politics. For a male it doesn't work. I have Mates who are under the thumb, who I don't want to see often because of it. Having plenty of personal time and space for both you and your wife is essential.

    If you are intending to spend at least 50+ years with your wife don't be hanging off her apron strings every day, the way she dictates or can make you feel guilty when you are not.

    Good quality space with the right to make the decisions for your personal welfare makes for a good marriage ... I find. My wife determines what she needs for her time and space, no double standards.

    Warren.

  35. #35
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    Quote Originally Posted by hammy35
    ditto.

    OP, your wife probably doesn't care that you're out riding, but rather that you're not taking care of her needs as well. It only took me ~6 years to figure that one out with mine.
    Wow. It only took you 6 years? You're a fast learner. I've been married 27 years and am still slow on figuring this out sometimes.

    And double ditto on what Scribb wrote. He nailed it.
    I will cause thee to ride upon the high places of the earth...
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  36. #36
    VENI VEDI BIKI
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    Quote Originally Posted by mightymouse
    If you want to look at it another way, it must mean she misses you and wants to be around you.

    or.....she might be asking how much time she has to go for a few "rides" with the UPS man that just delivered your box of new bike parts...

  37. #37
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    Quote Originally Posted by Muddydogs
    Yep I get stuff like this all the time. I constantly hear do you have the bikes loaded, is the water ready, here is breakfast hurry and eat so we can go. Man it just sucks.
    Lucky man

  38. #38
    long live long rides
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    Quote Originally Posted by disfocus
    You work full time and study full time while she's a 'stay at home mom'? Try and get some rides in by all means, but at the same time, you should man the f.u. and be a dad and a husband--which includes recognising that she probably needs some time out a hell of a lot more than you do.
    I'm in the same situation (work + school while she's home with a 13 month-old). And I can't say it any better than disfocus. Plan a nice one-hour loop that you can do after work/school a couple days a week, help out around the house, and you will be rewarded with being "allowed" to go on longer rides on the weekend, just don't expect the guilt trips to magically disappear right away. If you're not amenable to that then there's somebody else you need to talk to. . .

  39. #39
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    Quote Originally Posted by esf_mtb
    I'm in the same situation (work + school while she's home with a 13 month-old). And I can't say it any better than disfocus. Plan a nice one-hour loop that you can do after work/school a couple days a week, help out around the house, and you will be rewarded with being "allowed" to go on longer rides on the weekend, just don't expect the guilt trips to magically disappear right away. If you're not amenable to that then there's somebody else you need to talk to. . .
    I will second what you said and disfocus said......

    Work out a fair ride schedule that gives you some time to get in a ride twice a week. Give your other half some free time to go and do what he or she wants on their own. Set the times (for me it is Wed afternoon from when i get off work until about 7:30-8ish, rarely after 8, and then i get sunday mornings until about 11:00), from time to time if something comes up you can take a day to go out of town or so for a longer ride. Just dont take advantage of it by taking alot of long trips.. And as others have said, Being a stay at home mom/dad is just as tiring as working a regular full time job.......
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  40. #40
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    lots of great advice here. i only get to get out and ride on the weekends since i get home too late to really do anything during the week. plus if i did that she wouldn't appreciate me ditching her after a long day at work to go ride.

    so i do like others here and get up early on the weekends and ride that way she can sleep in and it's not really percieved as me taking away time from her and our 4 month old girl. plus i am a morning person anyway and pretty much always get up around 6:30 even if i don't have to work.

    you just need to talk to her and figure out something that works for both of you.

  41. #41
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    Quote Originally Posted by atxlatino
    And so on....I work full time, go to school full time, and she is a stay at home mom. Sense my frustration here?

    Anyone else go through this?
    Careful with this one - I have seen other people write about this as well - don't diminish the work of being a stay at home mom.

  42. #42
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    I'm on the other side of the coin for now.

    I've been out of work for almost a year, and my wife went back to work (overtime 50-60 hrs/wk) just to keep the lights on and a few groceries on the table.

    As long as I keep all the housework done, ie laundry, cleaning, cooking, pet duties, my job searches, etc., I can ride as much as I like during the week while she's gone.

    The big thing that I've learned though, is not tell her how much riding I've done during the day once she gets home, but to fix her a nice supper and make her feel appreciated once she's home.
    Last edited by onbelaydave; 10-05-2010 at 09:36 PM.

  43. #43
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    Do the crime, pay the time

    Quote Originally Posted by atxlatino
    ...she is a stay at home mom....
    Presumably you had something to do with the fact that she is a mom? She works full time too. Do the crime, pay the time.

  44. #44
    used to be RipRoar
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    marriage is overrated....

  45. #45
    Rolling
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    Bike issues are excuses for far larger problems.

    Be real.

  46. #46
    Scribb
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    Quote Originally Posted by lidarman
    Bike issues are excuses for far larger problems.

    Be real.
    Word.
    Life. It's bigger.

  47. #47
    All Lefty's, all the time Moderator
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    Quote Originally Posted by RipRoar
    marriage is overrated....
    Um, no. Dating, one night stands, and STD's are.

    As my incredibly wise wife has been telling me for years, everything in moderation. Time for ourselves, time with her, work, food, beer, yep, it works no matter where I apply it. Give a bit to all of it, and you'll feel better about it all.
    This is a Pugs not some carbon wannabee pretzel wagon!!

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  48. #48
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    Quote Originally Posted by skankingbiker
    or.....she might be asking how much time she has to go for a few "rides" with the UPS man that just delivered your box of new bike parts...
    True, the OP might not be the only one upgrading to a bit more travel in the rear.

    Seriously though, there probably are some deeper issues. I know when my wife starts complaining about my bike habit, I'm probably missing something in the bigger picture. If you nail the stuff that matters, you might have more opportunity to do stuff you like to do (as long as it's reasonable).

  49. #49
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    i'm going to sound like a fool i think, but it's all about working as partners in your relationship. when you get married, it's not about just you anymore. that's not a bad thing either- especially if you find the right partner.

    my wife is totally cool with me going out on long rides, but i'm also pulling my weight at home with my son, yard work, cleaning, etc. i also make sure i plan appropriately to give my wife her alone time as well- sometimes that's a girl's night out, me taking my son to the park or for a bike ride while she relaxes at home, etc.

    the positive way is thinking she misses you and wants to be with you (as others have said)- i'm sure you already appreciate that. talk with her about how you do want to ride for 4+ hours sometimes- how can you work together to make that work.

    i like the idea of sending her a quick text or call when you're taking a breather on your ride. just to let her know how things are going and setting expectations for when you are expected to be back. also, it doesn't hurt to grab her coffee in the morning or a bagel or whatever else she likes. take care of the dishes before you head out or clean the kitchen floor.

    and for those who say you never want to get married, that's true if you don't find the right person. when you do, it's great. and it's always nice to have the in-house p when you want it as well.

    thanks for listening to my $.02.
    - 1995 Giant ATX 870
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  50. #50
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    Work fulltime and go to school fulltime ? Ever think that maybe she just misses you ?

  51. #51
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    +10 on balance.

    Expectations management is huge. Being honest about time estimates - to yourself too. If it's open-ended tell her so.

    My wife and I have an agreement that actual phone calls when we're out playing are reserved for emergencies, but text-message freely. Messages back from me are encouraged to help contain her imagination that a black bear has used me to fatten up her cubs for the winter. Likewise when she's out geocaching for all hours I appreciate hearing now and then that she hasn't fallen into an abandoned mine.

    We also reserve some time for each other weekly if we can, and try to get SOME contact time daily. Usually in the morning before work. :P

  52. #52
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    new beginning...

    after a couple years of fighting over my riding (more days in the saddle, longer rides, longer road trips to get to longer rides...), my wife and I had a "summit". we both came to the healthy conclusion that while we don't share the same recreational interests or workout routines, we need to respect each others' needs. we also decided we needed to find a shared activity to commit ourselves to, for our relationship and the family's well being.

    We committed to spend Saturdays cooking our meals for the upcoming week. We plan the menu for the week, shop early and cook from about 10am-2pm, knocking out 3 meals (usually one each and one together. prep/chopping and mixing is shared, i clean and we both store it all). this is a win-win for our family, as the weeknights are much easier (just pop the caserole or whatever in the oven), I get sunday morning to ride and can squeak in a week day ride after work if I want. and, the time we spend together cooking is actually therapeutic for us...we try our mothers' recipes, experiment with new dishes and just "work well together".

    there's less resentment, more "emotional money in the bank" so to speak.

    btw:
    we both work full time. teenage daughter. 3 cats/1 dog.
    I ride sundays and any weekday morning that I can sneak in a short ride.
    if the thunder don't get you, then the lightning will

  53. #53
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    I'm married. I ride 5-7 days a week and I race every Sunday.

    Be good to your wives, be a good husband, provide and make time for them - they should be understanding. My wife, however, likes her alone time - so it works perfectly.

  54. #54
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    My wife laid into me the other day... "You need to spend more time at home with me and the boy.. you are sooo obsessed with biking its making me mad.. why dont you balance the check book like you ride.. hun?? You need to put family first!! " all this after I sucked at an 8 hour race!!! lets day I have not been on a bike for a week and a half.. plus I have a major cold so Im trying to recover!!
    JEM
    09 Marlin Disc
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    ........(_)/(_)

  55. #55
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    Wow, wasn't expecting so many replies. I honestly appreciate all the good advice, and the humor, the sympathy, and the different viewpoints. Honestly, I think you all may have opened up my eyes a bit to the situation. At 28 years old, and only 4 years into the marriage, I'm sure I have a lot to learn and improve on when it comes to relationships.

  56. #56
    the train keeps rollin
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    Give her a good boning, solves all.
    beaver hunt

  57. #57
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    Quote Originally Posted by atxlatino
    I'm sure I have a lot to learn and improve on when it comes to relationships.
    this should never stop, and that's a very good thing!
    - 1995 Giant ATX 870
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  58. #58
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    Quote Originally Posted by snowdrifter
    Give her a good boning, solves all.
    Haha, Yeah...... but not permanently.

  59. #59
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    Quote Originally Posted by JEM2
    My wife laid into me the other day... "You need to spend more time at home with me and the boy.. you are sooo obsessed with biking its making me mad.. why dont you balance the check book like you ride.. hun?? You need to put family first!! " all this after I sucked at an 8 hour race!!! lets day I have not been on a bike for a week and a half.. plus I have a major cold so Im trying to recover!!
    JEM
    I had a similar comment - "All you do is think about racing... that's your main focus!"

    My brother and friends have been encouraging me to do the Surf City CX Classic Halloween race, but I have politely declined. My wife wants to go out on the 30th and doesn't want to feel we have to rush so I can get a good night's sleep.

    I have the rest of my life to race - it's more important to adhere to her wishes.

    Today, I'm going to put the training aside and go out and spin on the road bike with her at her pace. I could be a jerk and do my normal training ride, but again - I have to live here!

    We don't have children, but I've found that my brother manages his racing/family time by making the race a family event. My two nephews race in the kid's class (not quite old enough for juniors), and so it's a Sunday outing. Unfortunately, things change when the rain starts to come.

  60. #60
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    Quote Originally Posted by Dion
    I had a similar comment - "All you do is think about racing... that's your main focus!"
    We came to a real watershed oh, about ten years into marriage. I'd broken my wrist (bad landing off a 3' rock ledge sans-bike when it should have been with-bike) and hadn't been able to bike for six weeks. She noticed a change of character. I think it was then when she, and eventually I, admitted that biking was first for me always - although she is a close second.

    She's okay with this because I don't let her feel "far behind."

    This was reinforced this year when both my MTB's frames' broke within four weeks. I was inconsolable for a month until the 1st bike came back on-line. It wasn't acting, part of my soul was missing.

    Put it in perspective... I've been on two wheels since I was 4 (according to my mother). I've only known my wife for 15 years. Cycling has a 26 year lead on her.

  61. #61
    hehe ...you said "member"
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    Quote Originally Posted by onbelaydave
    The big thing that I've learned though, is not tell her how much riding I've done during the day once she gets home, but to fix her a nice supper and make her feel appreciated once she's home.
    That's some wisdom worthy of Confucius
    “Me fail english? Thats unpossible.” - Matt Groening

  62. #62
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    Wow, wasn't expecting so many replies. I honestly appreciate all the good advice, and the humor, the sympathy, and the different viewpoints. Honestly, I think you all may have opened up my eyes a bit to the situation. At 28 years old, and only 4 years into the marriage, I'm sure I have a lot to learn and improve on when it comes to relationships.
    Two seminal sources of usable information on how to make relationships work. 1) John Gottman (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/John_Gottman). He's a researcher who spent years video taping couples fighting. Findings are eye-opening and well worth reading. 2) Gary Chapman. (http://www.5lovelanguages.com/. Simple idea with mind-blowing implications: we all have different "languages" we use to communicate love: giving gifts, quality time, physical touch, kind words, acts of service... The problem comes when you're speaking a different language than your wife--you're giving her stuff when she wants time; she's saying nice things when you want sex.... When I do the dishes and my wife is suddenly happy to jump into bed, it's not a quid pro quo, it's that we're speaking a language the other understands and interprets as love.

    Not usually what I talk about on MTBR, but I was lucky enough to be exposed to some of this stuff early in my marriage--we're now going on 18 years and I'm still stoked--so I'm happy to share.
    Life. It's bigger.

  63. #63
    Tigers love pepper...
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    Happy wife..... happy life.....

  64. #64
    sometime mtbr
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    I'm lucky, my wife just assumes I'll be riding everyday I'm off work. She has no big issues. Heck I was the big issue, use to be 305lbs now 205lbs. For some reason she likes the new me better.

  65. #65
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    no time to ride but plenty of time to ***** about the person you proposed to

  66. #66
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    Three ways you can get more bike time (maybe not by yourself on single-track, but the more time you spend on your bike, the fitter you'll be for the 'real thing').

    1. Lifestyle.
    Ride everywhere. Commute to work/school. Ride to the shop for milk. Try to forget your car exists.

    2. Compromise.
    Make family time bike time too. Today we went to Crocodilus Park (local zoo), to a friend's for a swim, then home. By taking the bikes instead of the car (with me towing the kids in the trailer), I got in twenty km of towing a 40kg trailer. Good work out ;-)

    3. Trade
    Yesterday my wife and I both had the day off. She went to a friend's house for coffee for a couple of hours while I played with the kids and did housework. When she got back, I got two hours on the MTB while she made dinner and fed the kids.
    Today I let her sleep in til 9 while I played with the girls, tomorrow I leave early to do a 100km ride and get back for a late breakfast.

    It'll all work out if you have a healthy relationship and the right attitude.

  67. #67
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    my first wife was like a sponge. i couldn't do enough. after 17 yrs and countless"i want a divorce", gave her what see wanted. still wasn't happy. but i could screen my calls and i did not have to go home to her *****in'. i'm a whole lot happier but she still not.
    not all things are meant to be

  68. #68
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    Quote Originally Posted by disfocus
    3. Trade
    Yesterday my wife and I both had the day off. She went to a friend's house for coffee for a couple of hours while I played with the kids and did housework. When she got back, I got two hours on the MTB while she made dinner and fed the kids.
    Today I let her sleep in til 9 while I played with the girls, tomorrow I leave early to do a 100km ride and get back for a late breakfast.
    perfect!
    - 1995 Giant ATX 870
    - 2011 Salsa El Mariachi XL
    - 2011 Kona Unit (singlespeed) XL

  69. #69
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    Quote Originally Posted by ThePinkBarron
    I think you might be better off talking to your wife about this. Not much you can accomplish by whining to us, while talking to her could solve all of your problems. Plus if she stumbled upon you whining about her like this on the intar-webs you might just end up with one less problem, and half your stuff.

    Perfect! I think that's what he's looking for!
    I live with Fear everyday. If I ask nicely, she lets me ride.

  70. #70
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    Quote Originally Posted by troublemaker
    no time to ride but plenty of time to ***** about the person you proposed to
    Well...not exactly. It was the situation itself more than anything.

  71. #71
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    It really sounds like you may just need to take a step back and look at things from her perspective.

    If you work full time, go to school full time and ride whenever you can, it doesn't sound like there is a ton of time spent at home with wife and the kids. Probably makes her feel somewhat like a slave and not appreciated. She misses you and just wants some time with you, not a big deal!

    Things would go a long way if you took over the house for a day on a weekend and let her go get pampered as a "gift" a message / spa day lets a husband get away with murder! That's the trick I keep in my back pocket!

  72. #72
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    Assuming that you are not literally constantly gone biking, and leaving her stuck with kids all the time, I would talk to her about it. If she is still a b1tch, then divorce is the only answer.

    You will be old one day and regret wasting years of your life.

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