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  1. #1
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    TurtleHawg To The White Courtesy Phone......

    Hawg now that you have this newfound "Turtle Power". Please give us some insight into this Turtle world. Anyone can ask TurtleHawg a question and he will do what he can to answer.
    Front Range, Colorado.

  2. #2
    live long and huck
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    TurtleHawg, have you ever been peed on, on the side of the trail, by a really hot looking mountain biker chick?

  3. #3
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    Not exactly. I did win an auction for some well used, well seasoned cycling shorts from a seller named "Nicole", though. Sort of the same, sort of different. They've help to keep the sunburns on my shell down to a minimum.

  4. #4
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    TurtleHawg do you prefer the comfort of a log to sunbathe over the warmth of a boulder.
    Front Range, Colorado.

  5. #5
    live long and huck
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    Quote Originally Posted by Hawg View Post
    Not exactly. I did win an auction for some well used, well seasoned cycling shorts from a seller named "Nicole", though. Sort of the same, sort of different. They've help to keep the sunburns on my shell down to a minimum.
    I'll bet it's tough for a turtle to try to sniff his own shell.

  6. #6
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    Quote Originally Posted by DIRTJUNKIE View Post
    TurtleHawg do you prefer the comfort of a log to sunbathe over the warmth of a boulder.
    Depends on where I am vacationing and the time of the year.

    In 1939 while staying on Barbados, I had a tough time finding an unoccupied section driftwood on the beach to bathe upon. There was so many she-turtles there but I finally found a cozy spot in between two gals. I remember that like it was last week. Long swim to get there, though.

    Just 17 years ago, I found a really nice flat rock to bathe upon in the Badlands in August. I'd rather not get into the details of that particular day, though.

  7. #7
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    Quote Originally Posted by Optimus View Post
    I'll bet it's tough for a turtle to try to sniff his own shell.
    It's even worse when I have an itch inside my shell!

  8. #8
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    Quote Originally Posted by Hawg View Post
    Depends on where I am vacationing and the time of the year.

    In 1939 while staying on Barbados, I had a tough time finding an unoccupied section driftwood on the beach to bathe upon. There was so many she-turtles there but I finally found a cozy spot in between two gals. I remember that like it was last week. Long swim to get there, though.

    Just 17 years ago, I found a really nice flat rock to bathe upon in the Badlands in August. I'd rather not get into the details of that particular day, though.
    Wow! For a turtle you sure get around.
    Front Range, Colorado.

  9. #9
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    Quote Originally Posted by DIRTJUNKIE View Post
    Wow! For a turtle you sure get around.
    Some of the folks I've spoken with over the years have doubted my age but let it be known right now that we turtles live very long lives.

  10. #10
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    Quote Originally Posted by Hawg View Post
    Some of the folks I've spoken with over the years have doubted my age but let it be known right now that we turtles live very long lives.
    Long "slow" lives.
    Front Range, Colorado.

  11. #11
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    Turtlehawg, have you ever been tempted to mate with a tortoisehawg, for that "something strange" experience?

  12. #12
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    Quote Originally Posted by Hawg View Post
    Depends on where I am vacationing and the time of the year.

    In 1939 while staying on Barbados, I had a tough time finding an unoccupied section driftwood on the beach to bathe upon. There was so many she-turtles there but I finally found a cozy spot in between two gals. I remember that like it was last week. Long swim to get there, though.

    Just 17 years ago, I found a really nice flat rock to bathe upon in the Badlands in August. I'd rather not get into the details of that particular day, though.
    Quote Originally Posted by DIRTJUNKIE View Post
    Wow! For a turtle you sure get around.
    That's the only two places he's ever been to. It took him that long to go from Barbados to the Badlands.
    Its all Shits and Giggles until somebody Giggles and Shits

  13. #13
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    Quote Originally Posted by Boyonadyke View Post
    Turtlehawg, have you ever been tempted to mate with a tortoisehawg, for that "something strange" experience?
    As slow as turtles are, when they do finally achieve "the position", I'll bet they are not real picky. It could be eons before their next opportunity.

  14. #14
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    Quote Originally Posted by Boyonadyke View Post
    Turtlehawg, have you ever been tempted to mate with a tortoisehawg, for that "something strange" experience?
    As it is mentioned above, we turtles are not in a position to be picky since it takes a long while to get around. So yes, I have gone a few rounds in my time with the "other breeds". Interracial turtle sex is well excepted among us. It is after all, quite an accomplishment just to do the wild thing with a she-turtle. The extreme position required to get 'er done calls for enormous hardware. My junk is is easily 10-15% of my total body volume. Ever seen two Rhinos going at it? Yeah, it's a lot like that.

  15. #15
    El Gato Malo
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    Turtle Hawg, have you ever been too lazy to come out of your shell, said "what the hell" and just ended up pooping/peeing inside of it?

  16. #16
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    Quote Originally Posted by Optimus View Post
    As slow as turtles are, when they do finally achieve "the position", I'll bet they are not real picky. It could be eons before their next opportunity.
    Please tell us, TurtleHawg your desire for Box, Painted, Leatherback, or Snapper biotches, and if at all possible explain WTH is turtle-style.?

  17. #17
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    Quote Originally Posted by Wishful Tomcat View Post
    Turtle Hawg, have you ever been too lazy to come out of your shell, said "what the hell" and just ended up pooping/peeing inside of it?
    When I was younger, yes. I used to keep a broom & dust pan, and a dustbuster in my shell and when I was younger and more flexible and it was not an issue to turn around and maneuver within my shell to clean up and push the messes out. Nowadays, I'm older and my joints are stiff so doing the dooty within my shell cave must be avoided. We turtles burrow down into the ground for the Winter (If I'm not migrating to a warmer climate). It can get really stinky down there by the time I'm ready to dig my way out. Understand that it's not the drive to mate that draws me up out of hibernation in the Spring, it's the end of my patience about dealing with basking in my own waste that does it for me.

  18. #18
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    Quote Originally Posted by Flyin_W View Post
    Please tell us, TurtleHawg your desire for Box, Painted, Leatherback, or Snapper biotches, and if at all possible explain WTH is turtle-style.?
    My favorite of course is box, because all men love "box". Never tried a painted. Leatherbacks are kinda kinky and can be fun as long as you are into submission. Snappers are just plain ugly but I will admit that I've been with a few of them over the years after indulging in too much fermented cactus fruit, hence the term "getting ugly". Turtle style is similar to doggy style but you can't get as close to your partner as you'd like to and being up against a she-turtle's shell is kinda awkward.

  19. #19
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    Quote Originally Posted by Optimus View Post
    TurtleHawg, have you ever been peed on, on the side of the trail, by a really hot looking mountain biker chick?
    Optimus.......please....... i couldnt think of anything better
    Dont ever let the truth get in the way of a funny story....

  20. #20
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    LOL, This thread is some of hawgs greatest work, im calling for an official name change for you hawg, to Turtlehawg, its got a great ring to it, very mysterious....
    Dont ever let the truth get in the way of a funny story....

  21. #21
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    Quote Originally Posted by Tone's View Post
    LOL, This thread is some of hawgs greatest work, im calling for an official name change for you hawg, to Turtlehawg, its got a great ring to it, very mysterious....

    Kinda like manbearpig ? A Turtlehawg on a manbearpig would be worth filming in the San Fernando porn Capital of the World for www distribution.

  22. #22
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    Turtlehawg, have you ever gotten a speeding ticket, for going too slow? Or was it a "that's what she said" type of scenario.


    Does turtlehawg like his condom wrappers thin and light, like a set of Crests with some Speshy Aspens on them, or with a set of Flow's with Captain Controls, for extra protection so that turtlehawg can be 'fer sure fer sure".... I mean, a pinch flat down there sounds like it would hurt, ya know?

    Does the extra weight slow you down when you are climbing to mount your mate?

  23. #23
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    TurtleHawg, when you are hiding deep in the mud at the bottom your favorite pond. Tell us all of the thoughts going through your turtle mind. Are you hiding from husbands of local girl turtles or ugly humans.
    Front Range, Colorado.

  24. #24
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    TurtleHawg, have you ever been spun around by a fast moving car that barely missed you on the road?

  25. #25
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    Turtlehawg, do snapping turtles engage in the 69 position during intercourse?
    Dont ever let the truth get in the way of a funny story....

  26. #26
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    Quote Originally Posted by Boyonadyke View Post
    Turtlehawg, have you ever gotten a speeding ticket, for going too slow? Or was it a "that's what she said" type of scenario.


    Does turtlehawg like his condom wrappers thin and light, like a set of Crests with some Speshy Aspens on them, or with a set of Flow's with Captain Controls, for extra protection so that turtlehawg can be 'fer sure fer sure".... I mean, a pinch flat down there sounds like it would hurt, ya know?

    Does the extra weight slow you down when you are climbing to mount your mate?
    Believe it or not, there is such a thing as "minimum speed" limit signs used in some states. TurtleHawg avoids those like the plague...

    TurtleHawg always goes in bald headed.

  27. #27
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    DJ, hiding from girl turtles' husbands and "other" turtles that are stalking me.

    askibum02, yes rear leg run over once but it didn't spin me around. I actually got up on my remaining good leg and hopped the rest of the way across the highway. The spectacle caused a seven car pile up with multiple fatalities. That'll teach 'em to hit me...

    Tone's, I've only been with 2 she-snappers and each time there was no foreplay. We went straight into full helmet action and it wasn't their mouth that was snapping.... People think snapping turtles are named for their sharp mouth? Nope, they are named for the other snappers they have.

  28. #28
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    TurtleHawg - Is it true where there are turtles there will be bass? Or is this just a rumor I have heard. And, what is the relationship between turtles and bass in rivers and lakes?
    "We can always find excuses if we want to find them, but if we really want to do something, we have to just go."

  29. #29
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    TurtleHawg, why did the turtle cross the road?
    Front Range, Colorado.

  30. #30
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    Quote Originally Posted by sodak View Post
    TurtleHawg - Is it true where there are turtles there will be bass? Or is this just a rumor I have heard. And, what is the relationship between turtles and bass in rivers and lakes?
    Ohhh, bass... Those nasty, blood thirsty creatures try to eat us turtles and they occasionally succeed with the smaller turtles. So yes, where there are turtles, they will be bass. Probably BIG bass!

  31. #31
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    Quote Originally Posted by DIRTJUNKIE View Post
    TurtleHawg, why did the turtle cross the road?
    Because I needed my other rear leg run over so I'd have a matching pair of broken, useless rear legs. Still healing from that...

  32. #32
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    TurtleHawg once you finally made it to the other side of the road, were you forced to do a U-turn. Or were you lucky enough to find a new pond on the other side.
    Front Range, Colorado.

  33. #33
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    Quote Originally Posted by DIRTJUNKIE View Post
    TurtleHawg once you finally made it to the other side of the road, were you forced to do a U-turn. Or were you lucky enough to find a new pond on the other side.
    I will let you know when I get there. It's awfully hard to move with tow broken back legs. At this point, I am stuck in between opposing traffic and they moving pretty fast and it's rush hour. I retreat back into my shell with each passing vehicle. This is really sad...

  34. #34
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    Turtle up man, turtle up.
    Front Range, Colorado.

  35. #35
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    Quote Originally Posted by DIRTJUNKIE View Post
    Turtle up man, turtle up.
    Turtle up? Ever seen an erect male turtle? It rivals a Blue Whale's unit.

  36. #36
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    Quote Originally Posted by Hawg View Post
    Turtle up? Ever seen an erect male turtle? It rivals a Blue Whale's unit.
    One of Sti's partys?
    rOCktoberfest 2015 pt I here
    rOCktoberfest 2015 pt II here

  37. #37
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    TurtleHawg, what was your first memory?
    There is not much choice between rotten apples.

  38. #38
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    Quote Originally Posted by net wurker View Post
    One of Sti's partys?
    You know it!!!

  39. #39
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    Quote Originally Posted by Rod View Post
    TurtleHawg, what was your first memory?
    Good question Rod!!!

    The first thing I remember was an extreme jarring motion while I was still in my egg. I mean it like "BANG, BANG, BANG...". I woke up and thought we were having the "big one". But this was off the richter scale BIG.

    Apparently some dumb ass, hick from the sticks thought my egg was a chicken egg. He was trying to crack my shell open to pour me out into a frying pan.

    I immediately used my egg tooth to split the egg open and he dropped me on the counter top and backed up. His eyes were big and his jaw had dropped to the ground. Suddenly, he got this sinister look on his face. He said, "ohhhh, looks like were gonna have turtle dumplings for breakfast instead".

    I said "fvck that sh!t, I'm out of here!". I've been running ever since. Bet you didn't know that turtles can indeed run fast when they want/need to? I'm talking 100 yard dash in 4.2 seconds fast.

    I'll never forget that day. Thanks for asking.

  40. #40
    I didn't do it
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    TurtleHawg, do you like lettuce?

  41. #41
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    Quote Originally Posted by nwbikur View Post
    TurtleHawg, do you like lettuce?
    Only in a Caesar Salad.

  42. #42
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    turtlehawg, do you drink craft beer?

  43. #43
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    Quote Originally Posted by Boyonadyke View Post
    turtlehawg, do you drink craft beer?
    My owner does. In fact, I think he slipped you a bottle recently.

  44. #44
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    TurtleHawg do you have problems with leaches.
    Front Range, Colorado.

  45. #45
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    Quote Originally Posted by DIRTJUNKIE View Post
    TurtleHawg do you have problems with leaches.
    No, I eat them. It's kinda like raw liver. Delicious!

    I have problems with the flagpole, mostly. Darn thing won't stay down and it's very annoying in the morning.

  46. #46
    Afric Pepperbird
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    TurtleHawg, please help.... I say Tone's is 13 years old (based solely on his posts); where a majority of my friends state he is 16.

    Which of us is the most accurate?

  47. #47
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    Quote Originally Posted by dirt farmer View Post
    TurtleHawg, please help.... I say Tone's is 13 years old (based solely on his posts); where a majority of my friends state he is 16.

    Which of us is the most accurate?
    Hmmm? I can only answer that question with another question... How old do think TurtleHawg is?!

  48. #48
    El Gato Malo
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    TurtleHawg caught on tape!!!

    Turtle Sex With A Shoe - YouTube

  49. #49
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    ^ Orgasmic, huh?

  50. #50
    El Gato Malo
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    Hard to say no to a white sneaker, isn't it?

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