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  1. #1
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    Theres a fish in my Penis ! Vandellic cirrhora, (the vampire fish) please help!

    OK, Serious question, has anybody ever had a vampire fish in their penis or vagina?

    The Toothpick fish/vampire fish/penis fish aka Vandellic cirrhora is a native of the amazon basin, inhabiting countries Bolivia, Brazil, Columbia, Ecuador and Peru.

    These fish have a legendary habit of quickly entering any penis or vagina they can find often when the person is urinating, and entering the bladder of the host to suck blood, but ive heard they prefer penis's over vaginas.
    Apparently they strike like lightning and can swim up there faster than the force of your pee.

    I can feel something wriggling around in my penis, ive narrowed it down, i think it could be one of these.

    If you google these fish you will find all sorts of horrifying stories, and im worried its on its way to my bladder, but im not sure where i got it from, but i did meet a girl from Bolivia a few weeks ago, im worried she might have been a carrier, she was pretty feral.

    So seriously im asking if any of you have had one of these enter your penis and what you did to get rid of it?

    Cheers and thanks OC crew.
    Dont ever let the truth get in the way of a funny story....

  2. #2
    El Gato Malo
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    subscribed!

  3. #3
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    I have watch documentaries about this demented fish. I'm glad I don't live anywhere near it, nor do I piss while in the water. haha...
    "We can always find excuses if we want to find them, but if we really want to do something, we have to just go."

  4. #4
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    I think theres one wriggling around in my urethra, what else could it be? so ive tied the base of my penis up to stop it going into my bladder, im in dire straits, i can feel it wriggling around as i type.
    Dont ever let the truth get in the way of a funny story....

  5. #5
    El Gato Malo
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    Find a willing party that will apply suction and force the little bugger out.

  6. #6
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    No, YOU don't understand. You're making an ass of yourself for all of eternity.

  7. #7
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    Quote Originally Posted by Wishful Tomcat View Post
    Find a willing party that will apply suction and force the little bugger out.
    Ive already tried pushing an old chicken kebab skewer i got out of the bin from last week down my urethra but i think its made it push up further and it was very painful, my ladies away so there is no willing party.
    I'll grab an old over sized garden hose and try and suck it out myself, id say thats the best course of action at this point.
    Dont ever let the truth get in the way of a funny story....

  8. #8
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    Insert you unit into the car exhaust with the engine running, smoke that pecker sucker out!

  9. #9
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    Tone's, you need Catherine... she will probably be able to charm the little swine right out of there... I expect he would be only too happy to escape that 'Tunnel Of Doom'... Failing that, maybe Catherine could charm one of the fish from the video onto the business end of the issue, so to speak, cos it looks like one of them'd suck it right out... At least it might be nice to try...

    Catherine, Fish Charmer - YouTube
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  10. #10
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    Tone's, you sure it's not a Gerbil?
    rOCktoberfest 2015 pt I here
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  11. #11
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    Theres a fish in my Penis ! Vandellic cirrhora, (the vampire fish) please help!

    Cordylobia anthropophaga cellulitis of the penis is quite uncommon. Maggots can definitely find their way in so keep yur tackle away from dead beasts lads...
    【ツ】 eDub 【ツ】

  12. #12
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    Quote Originally Posted by Tone's View Post
    I think theres one wriggling around in my urethra, what else could it be? so ive tied the base of my penis up to stop it going into my bladder, im in dire straits, i can feel it wriggling around as i type.

    Did you find that undersized kok ring you had to "tie" off your penis? haha!! If that don't work, I'd recommend hitting it with a hammer a few times to kill that SOB up in there.
    "We can always find excuses if we want to find them, but if we really want to do something, we have to just go."

  13. #13
    AZ
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    Then using the cord off of the table lamp, attach the bare ends to your ball sack and throw the switch.

  14. #14
    El Gato Malo
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    If and when you see a doctor be sure to ask for a second opinion especially if the M.D. decides on amputation.

  15. #15
    Self Appointed Judge&Jury
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    Tones I've heard of this fish that you're talking about. But from the stories you have told of where your penis has been, I doubt this is the problem.
    Quote Originally Posted by NDD View Post
    Dude, I'm in Illinois. The only place anyone would come from that would say this area is hilly is Kansas.

  16. #16
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    ive been in some fish but never had a fish in me.

    you may want to try baiting a very small hook. with a very small worm.
    do not forget to file down the barb.

  17. #17
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    You could have a catheter inserted and drain your bladder, ideally that little fishy would travel along the foley tube and plop into the drainage bag.

    I can offer a helping hand but it's been quite a few years since I did my last one.

    If you don't want to catheterize yourself you could put a little bait on the tip and maybe that little fishy will wiggle out on it's own when it gets hungry.
    F*ck Cancer

    Eat your veggies

  18. #18
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    Aka candiru fish
    Just stick it in granny and start grinding.

  19. #19
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    Or you could get one of your boy toy buddies to "dangle"his manhood in front of yours. That little fish will not be able to control himself. A transfer from one rocket to the other.
    Quote Originally Posted by NDD View Post
    Dude, I'm in Illinois. The only place anyone would come from that would say this area is hilly is Kansas.

  20. #20
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    Theres a fish in my Penis ! Vandellic cirrhora, (the vampire fish) please help!

    Lol. Tones in da haus.

  21. #21
    occ member
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    Quote Originally Posted by DIRTJUNKIE View Post
    Or you could get one of your boy toy buddies to "dangle"his manhood in front of yours. That little fish will not be able to control himself. A transfer from one rocket to the other.
    Perhaps Rexy could lend a hand?

  22. #22
    Rabid Lana fan
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    *Rimshot*

    rOCktoberfest 2015 pt I here
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  23. #23
    live long and huck
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    Quote Originally Posted by net wurker View Post
    Tone's, you sure it's not a Gerbil?
    You almost had it there, Net.

    Tone's, shove a small cat up your ass, and a piece of yarn. Cat gets the fish, pull the yarn out slowly, cat chases it out.

  24. #24
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    I think it may be time for a penis bisection, it's the only way to be sure.
    Well, ok, one of 2 ways, the other being amputation...

  25. #25
    El Gato Malo
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    Quote Originally Posted by net wurker View Post
    Tone's, you sure it's not a Gerbil?
    Gerbil stuffing is so..... '80s.

  26. #26
    heaven help me
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    Soak it in gasoline.

  27. #27
    Self Appointed Judge&Jury
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    Soak it in cider.>>>>>>soak it inside her.
    Quote Originally Posted by NDD View Post
    Dude, I'm in Illinois. The only place anyone would come from that would say this area is hilly is Kansas.

  28. #28
    Killer b.
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    Cut it off and change your name to Toni.
    Posting on the basis that ignorance shared is ignorance doubled.

  29. #29
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    So.... your penis is wiggling? By it self?

    Well, shit. Keep that tie down at your junk's base and call it your newly developed super power.

  30. #30
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    Quote Originally Posted by BigRingGrinder View Post
    So.... your penis is wiggling? By it self?

    Well, shit. Keep that tie down at your junk's base and call it your newly developed super power.
    Or call the Puppetry of the Penis guys, they'd hire you in a heartbeat...
    It's all Here. Now.

  31. #31
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    Quote Originally Posted by rockerc View Post
    Or call the Puppetry of the Penis guys, they'd hire you in a heartbeat...
    lol A couple of friends saw that show in Toronto few years ago... they found it to be one of the strangest acts ever
    F*ck Cancer

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  32. #32
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    I guess I will just hang out in this all age appropriate penis eating carnivorous fish thread. Other threads of way less controvercial subject matter have been deleted.

    Anybody seen the movie with the giant Venus Fly Trap plant eating people. An old black and white flick. This thread reminds me of that. Tones?
    Quote Originally Posted by NDD View Post
    Dude, I'm in Illinois. The only place anyone would come from that would say this area is hilly is Kansas.

  33. #33
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    Quote Originally Posted by cyclelicious View Post
    lol A couple of friends saw that show in Toronto few years ago... they found it to be one of the strangest acts ever
    I saw a short clip of that on HBO a few years back. I had to change the channel after a minute or two. Those dude's are some serious frsaks.
    Quote Originally Posted by NDD View Post
    Dude, I'm in Illinois. The only place anyone would come from that would say this area is hilly is Kansas.

  34. #34
    see me rollin, they hatin
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    it's pretty gross. but i think its probably the most action some people have had in years.

    fap

  35. #35
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    Quote Originally Posted by NicoleB View Post
    it's pretty gross. but i think its probably the most action some people have had in years.

    Hey Nic, How'd you get those pictures of Tones' penis?
    It's all Here. Now.

  36. #36
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    Quote Originally Posted by Tone's View Post
    OK, Serious question, has anybody ever had a vampire fish in their penis or vagina?

    The Toothpick fish/vampire fish/penis fish aka Vandellic cirrhora is a native of the amazon basin, inhabiting countries Bolivia, Brazil, Columbia, Ecuador and Peru.

    These fish have a legendary habit of quickly entering any penis or vagina they can find often when the person is urinating, and entering the bladder of the host to suck blood, but ive heard they prefer penis's over vaginas.
    Apparently they strike like lightning and can swim up there faster than the force of your pee.

    I can feel something wriggling around in my penis, ive narrowed it down, i think it could be one of these.

    If you google these fish you will find all sorts of horrifying stories, and im worried its on its way to my bladder, but im not sure where i got it from, but i did meet a girl from Bolivia a few weeks ago, im worried she might have been a carrier, she was pretty feral.

    So seriously im asking if any of you have had one of these enter your penis and what you did to get rid of it?

    Cheers and thanks OC crew.
    I'm not sure what a "feral" looking girl from Bolivia looks like but I have a strong feeling she's gonna look like one of these ladies...

    Name:  3096225832_3b89d27b49.jpg
Views: 2564
Size:  165.3 KB

  37. #37
    High Desert MTBer
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    Quote Originally Posted by Gundam168 View Post
    I'm not sure what a "feral" looking girl from Bolivia looks like but I have a strong feeling she's gonna look like one of these ladies...

    Name:  3096225832_3b89d27b49.jpg
Views: 2564
Size:  165.3 KB
    probably the one at the bottom left trying to cover up her fangs...
    It's all Here. Now.

  38. #38
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    Quote Originally Posted by rockerc View Post
    Hey Nic, How'd you get those pictures of Tones' penis?
    From her camera.
    Quote Originally Posted by NDD View Post
    Dude, I'm in Illinois. The only place anyone would come from that would say this area is hilly is Kansas.

  39. #39
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    You better get it out, they say it can grow to 6 inches.

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  40. #40
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    I learned about these awful fishes in my marine biology class back in college in 1991 or 1992. My teacher (a then 60 year old retired Navy veteran of over 35 years of service) told us that we’d need to put a rubberband on our penises if we’d ever find ourselves swimming in the Amazon… but oh, coincidentally, we’d better watch the f—ck out of piranhas as well.
    QUOTE from MTBR.COM: You have given Brewtality too much Reputation in the last 24 hours, try again later.

  41. #41
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    Can I recommend some sizeable fishing line and a lure of some sort - potentially abalone? That sucker should be well tempted to jump out of your old-fella and go muff diving mate...

  42. #42
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    TMI. But I understand, the bowler hats those chicas are sportin' are hot. Especially the chica in the rear left, that's the smile of a girl that likes to party! Yowza!
    I don't know why,... it's just MUSS easier to pedal than the other ones.

  43. #43
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    This is obviously yet another fish story, Tones...just cut it out.

  44. #44
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    Tones, you've been watching River Monsters, huh?

  45. #45
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    Tone's, if you ever wanted to put a bug up your gal's A$$, now is the time to do it.
    Last edited by Boyonabyke; 07-07-2013 at 06:47 PM.

  46. #46
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    Tones may I suggest you go here for all your medical advice. Theres a fish in my Penis ! Vandellic cirrhora, (the vampire fish) please help!
    Quote Originally Posted by NDD View Post
    Dude, I'm in Illinois. The only place anyone would come from that would say this area is hilly is Kansas.

  47. #47
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    Quote Originally Posted by DIRTJUNKIE View Post
    Tones may I suggest you go here for all your medical advice. Theres a fish in my Penis ! Vandellic cirrhora, (the vampire fish) please help!
    Wow, thanks for posting the link. I'm sure Tones will find that link useful.

  48. #48
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    Quote Originally Posted by Hawg View Post
    Tones, you've been watching River Monsters, huh?
    I might have been

    im pretty sure its in my bladder now, no success in sucking it out, i can feel it hitting the sides of my bladder and my pee has blood in it.
    Dont ever let the truth get in the way of a funny story....

  49. #49
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    That's one mean looking cock sucker!

  50. #50
    A waste of time it is is
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    Tones, let's address this dilemma by first addressing the probabilities that you are correct.

    First you are correct that these little critters do also like to swim into vagina's but this is now a rare occurrence. It would appear that the particular strain that preferred vaginas is now all but extinct, they kept confusing the open mouth of a catfish for vaginas and have all but been eaten to extinction.

    This does of course mean that it is possible that one has swum up your willy but let's now look at the probabilities of this. Not bloody likely. The only place you can think getting this from is your Bolivian booty call. For it to have survived in her all the way from the Amazon it would now be reaching full size and would require a urethra with a clear radius of more than 1mm. This alone rules you out.

    It is far more likely that you have had a baby ring worm work its way up there from the last time you were banging your mates ring. Go to your local chemist and pick up some combantrim, get the chocolate squares ones are they kill hook, thread and ring worm.

    Remove the cock ring and untie your nob before the loss of blood flow to your brain does permanent damage. Take the choccy square and you'll be good to go in a day or two. Just make sure that you sit down to urinate for the next couple of days, you wouldn't want to have to explain why you have a dead worm hanging out your knob to the guy standing beside you at the urinal.

    Hope that helps
    Last edited by emu26; 07-23-2013 at 07:59 PM.

  51. #51
    No known cure
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    Inquire about a fishing license. You don't want to be fined for poaching.
    Ripping trails and tipping ales

  52. #52
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    Old Hawaiian secret to getting rid of the Hanapa'a Fish...

    Wrap your manhood in Ti leaf. Tie it off with wild pig intestines and start ascending Kilauea. Once you are the rim of the crater, dip the tip of your genitalia in to the lava. The gentle heat will expand your urethra, allowing the fish to swim out and die in the lava. Your ding-ding may suffer some damage, but you have 38" to play with. So in the end you should still be left with about the normal sized length of 12".
    I like to hug trees at FULL SPEED!
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