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Thread: One liners

  1. #1
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    One liners

    Looking for some ammo. Failing memory banks and short attention span limit me to one liners- post up your best!

    Here's an old one that still works for me-


    What did the deadhead say when he ran out of pot? "This band sucks!"

  2. #2
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    Three guys walk into a bar. Youd think the last one woulda ducked.
    "Bigring, that's deep. ...Well, I suspect it is. I didn't read it."

  3. #3
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    Two peanuts walked through a park. One was assaulted.
    Its all Shits and Giggles until somebody Giggles and Shits

  4. #4
    Rogue Exterminator
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    Quote Originally Posted by Brewtality View Post
    Two peanuts walked through a park. One was assaulted.
    Doesn't translate well to text. lol
    Just stick it in granny and start grinding.

  5. #5
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    Quote Originally Posted by kjlued View Post
    Doesn't translate well to text. lol
    Fine, I'll bring out the heavy hitters:



    Do not argue with an idiot. He will drag you down to his level and beat you with experience.

    I want to die peacefully in my sleep, like my grandfather.. Not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car.

    I asked God for a bike, but I know God doesn't work that way. So I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness.

    Sex is not the answer. Sex is the question. "Yes" is the answer.

    Going to church doesn't make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.

    We live in a society where pizza gets to your house before the police.


    Women might be able to fake orgasms. But men can fake a whole relationship.

    The last thing I want to do is hurt you. But it's still on the list.

    Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.

    If I agreed with you we'd both be wrong.

    Men have two emotions: Hungry and Horny. If you see him without an erection, make him a sandwich.

    We never really grow up, we only learn how to act in public.

    War does not determine who is right - only who is left.

    Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit; Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.

    Children: You spend the first 2 years of their life teaching them to walk and talk. Then you spend the next 16 years telling them to sit down and shut-up.

    Politicians and diapers have one thing in common. They should both be changed regularly, and for the same reason.

    My mother never saw the irony in calling me a son-of-a-*****.

    Having sex is like playing bridge. If you don't have a good partner, you'd better have a good hand.

    The early bird might get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.

    Evening news is where they begin with 'Good evening', and then proceed to tell you why it isn't.
    Its all Shits and Giggles until somebody Giggles and Shits

  6. #6
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    Much better....thread over. lol
    Just stick it in granny and start grinding.

  7. #7
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    If you watch Army of Darkness, Bruce Campbell should give you all the one-liners you'll ever need.
    No fuss with the MUSS

  8. #8
    official eMpTyBRain
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    Is this seat taken? No, but I was about to walk out with it.
    ...and proud member of the anti-sock puppet desolation

  9. #9
    pin it
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    A termite walks into a bar, goes up to the bar, looks around and says, hey, where's the bar tender?.

    A skeleton walked into a bar and asked for a beer and a mop...

    Mushroom walks into a bar. He goes to order a drink, but the bartender says, "We don't serve you kind." The Mushroom asks, "But why? I'm a fun guy."

    So two dyslexics walk into a bra...

    I just heard that Pfizer got robbed. $150000 worth of Viagra was stolen. Now they are looking for 3 hardened criminals.
    F*ck Cancer

    Eat your veggies

  10. #10
    Bro
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    One that everyone should know: A midget fortune-teller escaped from prison. Local newspapers ran the headline: "Small medium at large."

    Two guys walk into a bar. The first guy says, "I'll have H2O." The second guy says, "I'll have H2O too." The second guy died.

    Wanna hear a joke about sodium hypobromite? Na BrO.
    I've made some bad decisions like taking the gears off my bike. So here's the warning: Do not as I say, nor as I do.

  11. #11
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    The last thing I want to do is hurt you. But it's still on the list.

  12. #12
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    One liners

    Quote Originally Posted by freakybro View Post
    The last thing I want to do is hurt you. But it's still on the list.
    I had that one covered.

    If you can't keep up, take notes.


    Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk
    Its all Shits and Giggles until somebody Giggles and Shits

  13. #13
    Afric Pepperbird
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    Did you hear about the fly on the toilet seat? He got pissed off.


    Q: What's the difference between a duck?

    A: A horse, because a vest has no sleeves

  14. #14
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    One liners

    Behind every great man is a woman rolling her eyes.

    Behind every great man is a great woman. Right behind her is a mtn biker.


    Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk
    Last edited by Brewtality; 04-28-2013 at 09:32 PM.
    Its all Shits and Giggles until somebody Giggles and Shits

  15. #15
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    If 22 is pronounced 'twenty-two', and 33 is pronounced 'thirty-three', how come eleven isn't pronounced 'onety-one'?
    Quote Originally Posted by My Avatar
    WOOF!
    My videos on Vimeo

  16. #16
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    Corduroy pillowcases are making headlines.
    Quote Originally Posted by My Avatar
    WOOF!
    My videos on Vimeo

  17. #17
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    Quote Originally Posted by net wurker View Post
    If 22 is pronounced 'twenty-two', and 33 is pronounced 'thirty-three', how come eleven isn't pronounced 'onety-one'?
    I pronounce it that way after drinking some fire water.
    ...and proud member of the anti-sock puppet desolation

  18. #18
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    Why did the rapper carry an umbrella? ..... Fo' Drizzle

  19. #19
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    Local Area Network in Australia: The LAN down under.

  20. #20
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    Quote Originally Posted by Bro View Post
    Two guys walk into a bar. The first guy says, "I'll have H2O." The second guy says, "I'll have H2O too." The second guy died. HOOH

    Wanna hear a joke about sodium hypobromite? Na BrO.
    Alright, chem jokes. How bout some chem cat...
    Attached Images Attached Images    
    No fuss with the MUSS

  21. #21
    help with the zip please
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    You must spread some Reputation around before giving it to Cornfield again.

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    There are 10 kinds of people in the world. Those who understand binary and those who do not.
    "Bigring, that's deep. ...Well, I suspect it is. I didn't read it."

  23. #23
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    Quote Originally Posted by Brewtality View Post
    Fine, I'll bring out the heavy hitters:


    Do not argue with an idiot. He will drag you down to his level and beat you with experience.
    Make something idiot proof, and someone will make a better idiot.

    I would have a battle of wits with you, but I don't fight unarmed people.
    2012 Rockhopper 29er.

  24. #24
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    One liners

    There are two types of people.

    1. Those who can extrapolate from incomplete data

  25. #25
    Bro
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    There are two more kinds of people in this world: those who allow themselves to be placed into categories.
    I've made some bad decisions like taking the gears off my bike. So here's the warning: Do not as I say, nor as I do.

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