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Thread: One liners

  1. #1
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    One liners

    Looking for some ammo. Failing memory banks and short attention span limit me to one liners- post up your best!

    Here's an old one that still works for me-


    What did the deadhead say when he ran out of pot? "This band sucks!"

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    Three guys walk into a bar. Youd think the last one woulda ducked.

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    Two peanuts walked through a park. One was assaulted.
    Its all Shits and Giggles until somebody Giggles and Shits

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    Quote Originally Posted by Brewtality View Post
    Two peanuts walked through a park. One was assaulted.
    Doesn't translate well to text. lol
    Just stick it in granny and start grinding.

  5. #5
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    Quote Originally Posted by kjlued View Post
    Doesn't translate well to text. lol
    Fine, I'll bring out the heavy hitters:



    Do not argue with an idiot. He will drag you down to his level and beat you with experience.

    I want to die peacefully in my sleep, like my grandfather.. Not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car.

    I asked God for a bike, but I know God doesn't work that way. So I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness.

    Sex is not the answer. Sex is the question. "Yes" is the answer.

    Going to church doesn't make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.

    We live in a society where pizza gets to your house before the police.


    Women might be able to fake orgasms. But men can fake a whole relationship.

    The last thing I want to do is hurt you. But it's still on the list.

    Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.

    If I agreed with you we'd both be wrong.

    Men have two emotions: Hungry and Horny. If you see him without an erection, make him a sandwich.

    We never really grow up, we only learn how to act in public.

    War does not determine who is right - only who is left.

    Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit; Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.

    Children: You spend the first 2 years of their life teaching them to walk and talk. Then you spend the next 16 years telling them to sit down and shut-up.

    Politicians and diapers have one thing in common. They should both be changed regularly, and for the same reason.

    My mother never saw the irony in calling me a son-of-a-*****.

    Having sex is like playing bridge. If you don't have a good partner, you'd better have a good hand.

    The early bird might get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.

    Evening news is where they begin with 'Good evening', and then proceed to tell you why it isn't.
    Its all Shits and Giggles until somebody Giggles and Shits

  6. #6
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    Much better....thread over. lol
    Just stick it in granny and start grinding.

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    If you watch Army of Darkness, Bruce Campbell should give you all the one-liners you'll ever need.
    I don't know why,... it's just MUSS easier to pedal than the other ones.

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    Is this seat taken? No, but I was about to walk out with it.

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    A termite walks into a bar, goes up to the bar, looks around and says, hey, where's the bar tender?.

    A skeleton walked into a bar and asked for a beer and a mop...

    Mushroom walks into a bar. He goes to order a drink, but the bartender says, "We don't serve you kind." The Mushroom asks, "But why? I'm a fun guy."

    So two dyslexics walk into a bra...

    I just heard that Pfizer got robbed. $150000 worth of Viagra was stolen. Now they are looking for 3 hardened criminals.
    F*ck Cancer

    Eat your veggies

  10. #10
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    One that everyone should know: A midget fortune-teller escaped from prison. Local newspapers ran the headline: "Small medium at large."

    Two guys walk into a bar. The first guy says, "I'll have H2O." The second guy says, "I'll have H2O too." The second guy died.

    Wanna hear a joke about sodium hypobromite? Na BrO.
    Sometimes, I question the value of my content.

  11. #11
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    The last thing I want to do is hurt you. But it's still on the list.

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    One liners

    Quote Originally Posted by freakybro View Post
    The last thing I want to do is hurt you. But it's still on the list.
    I had that one covered.

    If you can't keep up, take notes.


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    Its all Shits and Giggles until somebody Giggles and Shits

  13. #13
    Afric Pepperbird
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    Did you hear about the fly on the toilet seat? He got pissed off.


    Q: What's the difference between a duck?

    A: A horse, because a vest has no sleeves

  14. #14
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    One liners

    Behind every great man is a woman rolling her eyes.

    Behind every great man is a great woman. Right behind her is a mtn biker.


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    Last edited by Brewtality; 04-28-2013 at 10:32 PM.
    Its all Shits and Giggles until somebody Giggles and Shits

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    If 22 is pronounced 'twenty-two', and 33 is pronounced 'thirty-three', how come eleven isn't pronounced 'onety-one'?
    rOCktoberfest 2015 pt I here
    rOCktoberfest 2015 pt II here

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    Corduroy pillowcases are making headlines.
    rOCktoberfest 2015 pt I here
    rOCktoberfest 2015 pt II here

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    Quote Originally Posted by net wurker View Post
    If 22 is pronounced 'twenty-two', and 33 is pronounced 'thirty-three', how come eleven isn't pronounced 'onety-one'?
    I pronounce it that way after drinking some fire water.

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    El Gato Malo
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    Why did the rapper carry an umbrella? ..... Fo' Drizzle

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    Local Area Network in Australia: The LAN down under.

  20. #20
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    Quote Originally Posted by Bro View Post
    Two guys walk into a bar. The first guy says, "I'll have H2O." The second guy says, "I'll have H2O too." The second guy died. HOOH

    Wanna hear a joke about sodium hypobromite? Na BrO.
    Alright, chem jokes. How bout some chem cat...
    Attached Images Attached Images   
    I don't know why,... it's just MUSS easier to pedal than the other ones.

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    You must spread some Reputation around before giving it to Cornfield again.

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    There are 10 kinds of people in the world. Those who understand binary and those who do not.

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    Quote Originally Posted by Brewtality View Post
    Fine, I'll bring out the heavy hitters:


    Do not argue with an idiot. He will drag you down to his level and beat you with experience.
    Make something idiot proof, and someone will make a better idiot.

    I would have a battle of wits with you, but I don't fight unarmed people.
    2012 Rockhopper 29er.

  24. #24
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    One liners

    There are two types of people.

    1. Those who can extrapolate from incomplete data

  25. #25
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    There are two more kinds of people in this world: those who allow themselves to be placed into categories.
    Sometimes, I question the value of my content.

  26. #26
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    One liners

    There are no stupid questions, only stupid people that ask questions.


    Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk
    Its all Shits and Giggles until somebody Giggles and Shits

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    Everyone of us is naked underneath our clothing...

  28. #28
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    Quote Originally Posted by Brewtality View Post
    There are no stupid questions, only stupid people that ask questions.

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    A horse walks into a bar and the bartender says "Hey, why the long face?"

    A priest, a rabbi, and a minister walk into a bar, the bartender looks up and asks "Is this some kind of joke?"

  30. #30
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    One liners

    A couple of classic that I love -

    My wife asked me to take her somewhere she had never been before. I said how about the kitchen!!

    I take my wife everywhere. Somehow she always finds her way back.


    Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk
    Its all Shits and Giggles until somebody Giggles and Shits

  31. #31
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    One liners

    That boy has a 100mph mouth and a 1mph brain.


    Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk
    Its all Shits and Giggles until somebody Giggles and Shits

  32. #32
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    Quote Originally Posted by Brewtality View Post
    That boy has a 100mph mouth and a 1mph brain.


    Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk
    I feel like I am a kid again, my old man was forever telling me to put my brain into gear before I put my mouth into action.
    Last edited by emu26; 04-30-2013 at 05:07 PM.

  33. #33
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    Turn on, tune in, drop out.

  34. #34
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    sticking feathers up your butt does not make you a chicken
    "Knowledge is good." ~ Emil Faber

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    A biker walks into a bar with a set of jumper cables around his neck. The bartender says "You can come in but don't start anything."

    If vegetarians eat vegetables, what do humanitarians eat?
    Quote Originally Posted by Trail Ninja's Son
    You may be happy to hear that my dad has kicked cancer's ass. Now he's looking for whoever sent it.

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    Quote Originally Posted by Trail Ninja View Post
    If vegetarians eat vegetables, what do humanitarians eat?
    Humanatables?
    Sometimes, I question the value of my content.

  37. #37
    A waste of time it is is
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    Opinions are like ar$ehole$, everybody has one and most stink

  38. #38
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    Two cannibals are eating a clown.

    One cannibal says to the other, "does this taste funny to you?"
    F*ck Cancer

    Eat your veggies

  39. #39
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    One liners

    What happened when Cinderella went to the ball?

    She choked.


    Sent from my iPad using Tapatalk HD
    2013 Rockhopper 29- The hot rod fun bike
    2013 Stumpy HT Comp 29- The racin' machine

  40. #40
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    Quote Originally Posted by jjaguar View Post
    A horse walks into a bar and the bartender says "Hey, why the long face?"

    A priest, a rabbi, and a minister walk into a bar, the bartender looks up and asks "Is this some kind of joke?"
    that reminds me. a priest and a rabbi see a kid playing on the beach. Priest says, lets screw that kid! Rabbi says, "out of what?"

    ok, that was more than one line.
    fap

  41. #41
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    First man says braggingly, "My wife's an angel!"
    Second man replies, "You're lucky, mine is still alive"

    And from Mr. Dangerfield:

    I was so poor growing up if I wasn't a boy, I'd have had nothing to play with.

    I was such an ugly baby. My mother never breast fed me. She told me that she only liked me as a friend.

    I could tell my parents hated me. My bath toys were a toaster and radio.

    I went to see my doctor. "Doctor, every morning when I get up and I look in the mirror I feel like throwing up. What's wrong with me?"
    He said, "I don't know but your eyesight is perfect."

    From the master himself:

    <iframe width="420" height="315" src="http://www.youtube.com/embed/9FPv2toi5og" frameborder="0" allowfullscreen></iframe>
    Last edited by Wishful Tomcat; 04-30-2013 at 12:52 PM.

  42. #42
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    Paraphrased from another thread in another forum
    If a twosome is two people having sex, and a threesome is three, I understand why people call me handsome.
    Chasing bears through the woods drunk with a dull hatchet is strongly not advised

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    Dangerfield was a master.

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    How do you turn a dishwasher into a snow blower? ...Hand her a shovel.

  45. #45
    I'm just messing with you
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    1000 words, give or take
    Attached Thumbnails Attached Thumbnails One liners-daily_picdump_1251_640_12.jpg  

    Chasing bears through the woods drunk with a dull hatchet is strongly not advised

  46. #46
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    A recent survey showed that 6 out of 7 dwarfs are not happy

    Seven dwarves were in a bath and they were all feeling happy, so happy got out
    F*ck Cancer

    Eat your veggies

  47. #47
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    Guy walks up to a hot girl at the bar and asks, "What has 100 teeth and holds back the Incredible Hulk?" Girl says, "I don't know, tell me" Guy responds with "My zipper".

  48. #48
    see me rollin, they hatin
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    Quote Originally Posted by cyclelicious View Post
    A recent survey showed that 6 out of 7 dwarfs are not happy

    Seven dwarves were in a bath and they were all feeling happy, so happy got out
    i was thinking the second joke would go better as "seven dwarves were on the bed and they were all feeling happy, so happy got off."

    too much?
    fap

  49. #49
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    bite me

  50. #50
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    Quote Originally Posted by NicoleB View Post
    i was thinking the second joke would go better as "seven dwarves were on the bed and they were all feeling happy, so happy got off."

    too much?
    yup I like


    Sex is not the answer. Sex is the question. "Yes" is the answer.
    F*ck Cancer

    Eat your veggies

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