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Thread: It's just jokes

  1. #701
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    Ah... the memories ;-)

    -----------------------------------------------------------
    #1 resolution... Ride it like I stole it!!
    to err is human... to face plant is frickin hilarious!!

  2. #702
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    Quote Originally Posted by cyclelicious View Post
    Top 10 Country Western Songs

    10. I Hate Every Bone In Her Body But Mine.
    9. I Ain't Never Gone To Bed With an Ugly Woman But I Woke Up With a Few.
    8. If The Phone Don't Ring, You'll Know It's Me.
    7. I've Missed You, But My Aim's Improvin'.
    6. Wouldn't Take Her To A Dogfight 'Cause I'm Scared She'd Win.
    5. I'm So Miserable Without You It's Like You're Still Here.
    4. My Wife Ran Off With My Best Friend And I Miss Him.
    3. She Took My Ring and Gave Me the Finger.
    2. She's Lookin' Better with Every Beer.

    And the Number One Country & Western song is...
    1. It's Hard To Kiss The Lips At Night That Chewed My Ass Out All Day Long.

    May I respectfully add -

    I Was a Loner with a Boner (Until I Met You)
    Use it, use it, use it while you still have it.

  3. #703
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    Play half of those songs backwards and you you get your wife dog and horse back.
    Quote Originally Posted by NDD View Post
    Dude, I'm in Illinois. The only place anyone would come from that would say this area is hilly is Kansas.

  4. #704
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    When Cats are Sad

    Bartender: What'll ya have?

    Cat: A shot of rum.

    [Bartender pours it]

    [Cat slowly pushes it off the bar]

    Cat: Another
    F*ck Cancer

    Eat your veggies

  5. #705
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    LOL ^
    This could go on for a long time.
    Quote Originally Posted by NDD View Post
    Dude, I'm in Illinois. The only place anyone would come from that would say this area is hilly is Kansas.

  6. #706
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    Men Are Deep Thinkers

    I mowed the lawn today, and after doing so I sat down and had a cold beer. The day was really quite
    beautiful, and the drink facilitated some deep thinking.
    My wife walked by and asked me what I was doing, and I said, "Nothing." The reason I said "nothing"
    instead of saying "just thinking" is because she then would have asked, "About what?" At that point I
    would have had to explain that men are deep thinkers about various topics, which would lead to other questions.
    Finally I pondered an age old question: Is giving birth more painful than getting kicked in the nuts? Women
    always maintain that giving birth is way more painful than a guy getting kicked in the nuts, but how could they know?
    Well, after another beer, and some more heavy deductive thinking, I have come up with an answer to that question.
    Getting kicked in the nuts is more painful than having a baby, and even though I obviously couldn't really know,
    here is the reason for my conclusion.
    A year or so after giving birth, a woman will often say, "It might be nice to have another child." On the other
    hand, you never hear a guy say, "You know, I think I would like another kick in the nuts." I rest my case.
    Time for another beer, and then maybe a nap.
    Use it, use it, use it while you still have it.

  7. #707
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    ^ seems logical.
    Rigid SS 29er
    Fat Lefty
    29+

    SS cyclocross
    all steel

    "Fully rigid" isn't a thing.

  8. #708
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    Quote Originally Posted by Gasp4Air View Post
    I mowed the lawn today, and after doing so I sat down and had a cold beer. The day was really quite
    beautiful, and the drink facilitated some deep thinking.
    My wife walked by and asked me what I was doing, and I said, "Nothing." The reason I said "nothing"
    instead of saying "just thinking" is because she then would have asked, "About what?" At that point I
    would have had to explain that men are deep thinkers about various topics, which would lead to other questions.
    Finally I pondered an age old question: Is giving birth more painful than getting kicked in the nuts? Women
    always maintain that giving birth is way more painful than a guy getting kicked in the nuts, but how could they know?
    Well, after another beer, and some more heavy deductive thinking, I have come up with an answer to that question.
    Getting kicked in the nuts is more painful than having a baby, and even though I obviously couldn't really know,
    here is the reason for my conclusion.
    A year or so after giving birth, a woman will often say, "It might be nice to have another child." On the other
    hand, you never hear a guy say, "You know, I think I would like another kick in the nuts." I rest my case.
    Time for another beer, and then maybe a nap.
    Women state that giving birth is painful, yet most of them forget what that pain was really like. I was there with my wife as she went through the process from the moment her water broke. But the fact that she created life erased the pain she went through to make life. That is part of the magic.

    I for one think it has to be far worse than getting kicked in the nuts simply because giving birth goes on for hours or at many minutes. Getting kicked in the jewels hurts for 60 seconds max.

    I have had two cups of coffee. Time for another...

  9. #709
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    Quote Originally Posted by Hawg View Post
    Getting kicked in the jewels hurts for 60 seconds max.
    Yeah, just ask Bama's kick-off return guy.

    Did you watch Alabama/USC last night?
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  10. #710
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    Quote Originally Posted by net wurker View Post
    Yeah, just ask Bama's kick-off return guy.

    Did you watch Alabama/USC last night?
    No, I did not. Did it hurt for more than 60 seconds?

  11. #711
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    It hurt the USC guy more....he was ejected.
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  12. #712
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    Quote Originally Posted by net wurker View Post
    It hurt the USC guy more....he was ejected.
    You mean it was done on purpose?! I need ta see a video clip of dat.

  13. #713
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    rOCktoberfest 2015 pt I here
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  14. #714
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    Quote Originally Posted by Hawg View Post
    I for one think it has to be far worse than getting kicked in the nuts simply because giving birth goes on for hours or at many minutes.
    Every birth is different...

    Quote Originally Posted by Hawg View Post
    Getting kicked in the jewels hurts for 60 seconds max.
    As is every kick in the nuts....

    Tell me some of these only hurt for 60 seconds, the straddle at 1:10 in particular


  15. #715
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    Quote Originally Posted by net wurker View Post
    That was deserved! The downed player locked up his legs on purpose. I woulda turned around and faced him and reared back and really nailed him in the jewels.

  16. #716
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    Yeah, there's no place for that kind of stuff when the ref is watching.
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  17. #717
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    Quote Originally Posted by net wurker View Post
    Yeah, there's no place for that kind of stuff when the ref is watching.
    It would have been worth the ejection and the 10 game suspension.

  18. #718
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    I was talking about the USC guy.

    "Never kick a guy in the nuts" (if the ref can see it)
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  19. #719
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    Quote Originally Posted by net wurker View Post
    I was talking about the USC guy.

    "Never kick a guy in the nuts" (if the ref can see it)
    It was more of a combo of tripping and a natural reaction to free his stuck leg before he went down. I am on the side of the USC player.

  20. #720
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    It's just jokes-image.jpg
    It's just jokes-image.jpg
    It's just jokes-image.jpg
    It's just jokes-image.jpg
    It's just jokes-image.jpg
    It's just jokes-image.jpg
    Quote Originally Posted by NDD View Post
    Dude, I'm in Illinois. The only place anyone would come from that would say this area is hilly is Kansas.

  21. #721
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    What's worse than having a worm in your apple?

  22. #722
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    Quote Originally Posted by Hawg View Post
    What's worse than having a worm in your apple?
    Geez, that's about as old as a boy fell in the mud. Or Johnny Deeper.

    Edit: Actually, I think that joke probably originated with cave people sitting abound eating apples. It could be the original joke.
    Use it, use it, use it while you still have it.

  23. #723
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    A husband and wife were grocery shopping. He picks up a case of beer and puts it in the cart. "What are you doing?" asks the wife. "They're on sale, only $10 for 24 cans" he replies. "Put them back, we can't afford them", demands the wife. They continue shopping. Later on, she puts a $20 jar of face cream in the basket. "What are you doing?" asks the husband. "It's my face cream. It makes me look beautiful," replies the wife. He said, "So does 24 cans of beer and it's half the price."






















































    It's just jokes-mandown.jpg

    That is him in aisle 3
    Quote Originally Posted by Optimus View Post
    There's some strange folk out there 'bouts. They have no sense of humor.
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  24. #724
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    Quote Originally Posted by Hawg View Post
    What's worse than having a worm in your apple?
    Half a worm in your apple.

  25. #725
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    What's better than having two roses on your piano?




    Tulips on your organ.
    Quote Originally Posted by NDD View Post
    Dude, I'm in Illinois. The only place anyone would come from that would say this area is hilly is Kansas.

  26. #726
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    Quote Originally Posted by Gasp4Air View Post
    Geez, that's about as old as a boy fell in the mud. Or Johnny Deeper.

    Edit: Actually, I think that joke probably originated with cave people sitting abound eating apples. It could be the original joke.
    OK, smarty, then answer it for me.

    EDIT: The big, bad Pig got it.

  27. #727
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    Next joke:

    What does 1+1=?

  28. #728
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    Quote Originally Posted by Hawg View Post
    Next joke:

    What does 1+1=?
    I know what 1 x 1=


    fun!
    "I love deadlines. I like the whooshing sound they make as they fly by." -Douglas Adams.

  29. #729
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    Quote Originally Posted by chazpat View Post
    I know what 1 x 1=


    fun!
    Darn SSer!

  30. #730
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    ___________/\________I straight lined I was so bored.
    Quote Originally Posted by NDD View Post
    Dude, I'm in Illinois. The only place anyone would come from that would say this area is hilly is Kansas.

  31. #731
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    Quote Originally Posted by DIRTJUNKIE View Post
    ___________/\________I straight lined I was so bored.
    That's three times (so far)....

  32. #732
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    What's black and white with a cherry on top?

  33. #733
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    Quote Originally Posted by Hawg View Post
    What's black and white with a cherry on top?
    A nun stuck in a police car?
    Hail, Satan!!

  34. #734
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    One of those black-and-white cookies with a cherry on it?

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  35. #735
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    Excuse me, you sold me a hair with a cake around it.
    Quote Originally Posted by NDD View Post
    Dude, I'm in Illinois. The only place anyone would come from that would say this area is hilly is Kansas.

  36. #736
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    What's the deal with cinnamon bopka?
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  37. #737
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    "So, speaking of exes, my old girlfriend came over late last night, and yada yada yada, anyway, I'm really tired today."
    Quote Originally Posted by NDD View Post
    Dude, I'm in Illinois. The only place anyone would come from that would say this area is hilly is Kansas.

  38. #738
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    Gettin' all freaky with the Lobster Bisque?
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  39. #739
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    Quote Originally Posted by Hawg View Post
    What does 1+1=?
    The next big thing in mountain bike gearing?

  40. #740
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    Quote Originally Posted by DIRTJUNKIE View Post
    "So, speaking of exes, my old girlfriend came over late last night, and yada yada yada, anyway, I'm really tired today."
    She took the mattress back?

  41. #741
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    But I don't want to be a pirate.
    Quote Originally Posted by NDD View Post
    Dude, I'm in Illinois. The only place anyone would come from that would say this area is hilly is Kansas.

  42. #742
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    Quote Originally Posted by DIRTJUNKIE View Post
    But I don't wanna be a pirate.
    Is that why you're so tired? Or cuz she made you carry the mattress?
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  43. #743
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    Quote Originally Posted by DIRTJUNKIE View Post
    "So, speaking of exes, my old girlfriend came over late last night, and yada yada yada, anyway, I'm really tired today."
    I hope you kept your feet hidden.
    "I love deadlines. I like the whooshing sound they make as they fly by." -Douglas Adams.

  44. #744
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    Quote Originally Posted by DIRTJUNKIE View Post
    "So, speaking of exes, my old girlfriend came over late last night, and yada yada yada, anyway, I'm really tired today."
    Quote Originally Posted by chazpat View Post
    I hope you kept your feet hidden.

    Quote Originally Posted by NDD View Post
    Dude, I'm in Illinois. The only place anyone would come from that would say this area is hilly is Kansas.

  45. #745
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    yeah, I'm not a big TV watcher
    "I love deadlines. I like the whooshing sound they make as they fly by." -Douglas Adams.

  46. #746
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    Whatever happened to the OP of this thread, LoudViking? There was very little to joke about that guy, I tell ya'

  47. #747
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    Quote Originally Posted by dirt farmer View Post
    Whatever happened to the OP of this thread, LoudViking? There was very little to joke about that guy, I tell ya'
    I don't know but I pm'd him about a year or so ago asking him if he was still of this earth. He never got back with me.
    Quote Originally Posted by NDD View Post
    Dude, I'm in Illinois. The only place anyone would come from that would say this area is hilly is Kansas.

  48. #748
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    Quote Originally Posted by DIRTJUNKIE View Post
    I don't know but I pm'd him about a year or so ago asking him if he was still of this earth. He never got back with me.
    Maybe he perished?

  49. #749
    Log off and go ride!
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    I barbecued a Wookie steak tonight. It was a little Chewy.

  50. #750
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    Why does it take 6 women with PMT to change a light bulb?












    BECAUSE IT JUST DOES!!!!!!
    I don't crash, I just have slightly uncontrolled dismounts!

  51. #751
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    Quote Originally Posted by kiwiplague View Post
    why does it take 6 women with pmt to change a light bulb?















    Because it just does!!!!!!
    pmt?
    Last edited by DIRTJUNKIE; 01-20-2017 at 11:02 AM.
    Quote Originally Posted by NDD View Post
    Dude, I'm in Illinois. The only place anyone would come from that would say this area is hilly is Kansas.

  52. #752
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    Quote Originally Posted by dave54 View Post
    I barbecued a Wookie steak tonight. It was a little Chewy.
    'bacca Burgerô?

  53. #753
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    "A bull elk walks into a gift shop in Colorado...."

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  54. #754
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    he was just trying to pick up a gift for the misses
    Quote Originally Posted by Optimus View Post
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  55. #755
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    Quote Originally Posted by DIRTJUNKIE View Post
    pmt?
    Pre Menstrual Tension. You don't have that in America?
    I don't crash, I just have slightly uncontrolled dismounts!

  56. #756
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    Quote Originally Posted by Kiwiplague View Post
    Pre Menstrual Tension. You don't have that in America?
    No, I'm a guy.
    "I love deadlines. I like the whooshing sound they make as they fly by." -Douglas Adams.

  57. #757
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    Too funny not to pass it along.

    Name:  IMG_9646.JPG
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    Quote Originally Posted by NDD View Post
    Dude, I'm in Illinois. The only place anyone would come from that would say this area is hilly is Kansas.

  58. #758
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    Officer: Father Brown have u had anything to drink tonight?

    Father Brown: just water

    Officer: Then why do I smell wine?

    Father Brown: Darn it he did it again.
    Quote Originally Posted by Optimus View Post
    There's some strange folk out there 'bouts. They have no sense of humor.
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