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Thread: It's just jokes

  1. #701
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    Ah... the memories ;-)

    -----------------------------------------------------------
    #1 resolution... Ride it like I stole it!!
    "Mountain biking: the under-rated and drug-free antidepressant"

  2. #702
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    Quote Originally Posted by cyclelicious View Post
    Top 10 Country Western Songs

    10. I Hate Every Bone In Her Body But Mine.
    9. I Ain't Never Gone To Bed With an Ugly Woman But I Woke Up With a Few.
    8. If The Phone Don't Ring, You'll Know It's Me.
    7. I've Missed You, But My Aim's Improvin'.
    6. Wouldn't Take Her To A Dogfight 'Cause I'm Scared She'd Win.
    5. I'm So Miserable Without You It's Like You're Still Here.
    4. My Wife Ran Off With My Best Friend And I Miss Him.
    3. She Took My Ring and Gave Me the Finger.
    2. She's Lookin' Better with Every Beer.

    And the Number One Country & Western song is...
    1. It's Hard To Kiss The Lips At Night That Chewed My Ass Out All Day Long.

    May I respectfully add -

    I Was a Loner with a Boner (Until I Met You)
    Use it, use it, use it while you still have it.

  3. #703
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    Play half of those songs backwards and you you get your wife dog and horse back.
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  4. #704
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    When Cats are Sad

    Bartender: What'll ya have?

    Cat: A shot of rum.

    [Bartender pours it]

    [Cat slowly pushes it off the bar]

    Cat: Another
    F*ck Cancer

    Eat your veggies

  5. #705
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    LOL ^
    This could go on for a long time.
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  6. #706
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    Men Are Deep Thinkers

    I mowed the lawn today, and after doing so I sat down and had a cold beer. The day was really quite
    beautiful, and the drink facilitated some deep thinking.
    My wife walked by and asked me what I was doing, and I said, "Nothing." The reason I said "nothing"
    instead of saying "just thinking" is because she then would have asked, "About what?" At that point I
    would have had to explain that men are deep thinkers about various topics, which would lead to other questions.
    Finally I pondered an age old question: Is giving birth more painful than getting kicked in the nuts? Women
    always maintain that giving birth is way more painful than a guy getting kicked in the nuts, but how could they know?
    Well, after another beer, and some more heavy deductive thinking, I have come up with an answer to that question.
    Getting kicked in the nuts is more painful than having a baby, and even though I obviously couldn't really know,
    here is the reason for my conclusion.
    A year or so after giving birth, a woman will often say, "It might be nice to have another child." On the other
    hand, you never hear a guy say, "You know, I think I would like another kick in the nuts." I rest my case.
    Time for another beer, and then maybe a nap.
    Use it, use it, use it while you still have it.

  7. #707
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    ^ seems logical.
    Rigid SS 29er
    Fat Lefty
    SS MonsterCross
    SS cyclocross
    all steel

    Stop asking how much it weighs and just go ride it.

  8. #708
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    Quote Originally Posted by Gasp4Air View Post
    I mowed the lawn today, and after doing so I sat down and had a cold beer. The day was really quite
    beautiful, and the drink facilitated some deep thinking.
    My wife walked by and asked me what I was doing, and I said, "Nothing." The reason I said "nothing"
    instead of saying "just thinking" is because she then would have asked, "About what?" At that point I
    would have had to explain that men are deep thinkers about various topics, which would lead to other questions.
    Finally I pondered an age old question: Is giving birth more painful than getting kicked in the nuts? Women
    always maintain that giving birth is way more painful than a guy getting kicked in the nuts, but how could they know?
    Well, after another beer, and some more heavy deductive thinking, I have come up with an answer to that question.
    Getting kicked in the nuts is more painful than having a baby, and even though I obviously couldn't really know,
    here is the reason for my conclusion.
    A year or so after giving birth, a woman will often say, "It might be nice to have another child." On the other
    hand, you never hear a guy say, "You know, I think I would like another kick in the nuts." I rest my case.
    Time for another beer, and then maybe a nap.
    Women state that giving birth is painful, yet most of them forget what that pain was really like. I was there with my wife as she went through the process from the moment her water broke. But the fact that she created life erased the pain she went through to make life. That is part of the magic.

    I for one think it has to be far worse than getting kicked in the nuts simply because giving birth goes on for hours or at many minutes. Getting kicked in the jewels hurts for 60 seconds max.

    I have had two cups of coffee. Time for another...

  9. #709
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    Quote Originally Posted by Hawg View Post
    Getting kicked in the jewels hurts for 60 seconds max.
    Yeah, just ask Bama's kick-off return guy.

    Did you watch Alabama/USC last night?
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  10. #710
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    Quote Originally Posted by net wurker View Post
    Yeah, just ask Bama's kick-off return guy.

    Did you watch Alabama/USC last night?
    No, I did not. Did it hurt for more than 60 seconds?

  11. #711
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    It hurt the USC guy more....he was ejected.
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  12. #712
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    Quote Originally Posted by net wurker View Post
    It hurt the USC guy more....he was ejected.
    You mean it was done on purpose?! I need ta see a video clip of dat.

  13. #713
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    rOCktoberfest 2015 pt I here
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  14. #714
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    Quote Originally Posted by Hawg View Post
    I for one think it has to be far worse than getting kicked in the nuts simply because giving birth goes on for hours or at many minutes.
    Every birth is different...

    Quote Originally Posted by Hawg View Post
    Getting kicked in the jewels hurts for 60 seconds max.
    As is every kick in the nuts....

    Tell me some of these only hurt for 60 seconds, the straddle at 1:10 in particular


  15. #715
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    Quote Originally Posted by net wurker View Post
    That was deserved! The downed player locked up his legs on purpose. I woulda turned around and faced him and reared back and really nailed him in the jewels.

  16. #716
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    Yeah, there's no place for that kind of stuff when the ref is watching.
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  17. #717
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    Quote Originally Posted by net wurker View Post
    Yeah, there's no place for that kind of stuff when the ref is watching.
    It would have been worth the ejection and the 10 game suspension.

  18. #718
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    I was talking about the USC guy.

    "Never kick a guy in the nuts" (if the ref can see it)
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  19. #719
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    Quote Originally Posted by net wurker View Post
    I was talking about the USC guy.

    "Never kick a guy in the nuts" (if the ref can see it)
    It was more of a combo of tripping and a natural reaction to free his stuck leg before he went down. I am on the side of the USC player.

  20. #720
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    It's just jokes-image.jpg
    It's just jokes-image.jpg
    It's just jokes-image.jpg
    It's just jokes-image.jpg
    It's just jokes-image.jpg
    It's just jokes-image.jpg
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  21. #721
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    What's worse than having a worm in your apple?

  22. #722
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    Quote Originally Posted by Hawg View Post
    What's worse than having a worm in your apple?
    Geez, that's about as old as a boy fell in the mud. Or Johnny Deeper.

    Edit: Actually, I think that joke probably originated with cave people sitting abound eating apples. It could be the original joke.
    Use it, use it, use it while you still have it.

  23. #723
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    A husband and wife were grocery shopping. He picks up a case of beer and puts it in the cart. "What are you doing?" asks the wife. "They're on sale, only $10 for 24 cans" he replies. "Put them back, we can't afford them", demands the wife. They continue shopping. Later on, she puts a $20 jar of face cream in the basket. "What are you doing?" asks the husband. "It's my face cream. It makes me look beautiful," replies the wife. He said, "So does 24 cans of beer and it's half the price."






















































    It's just jokes-mandown.jpg

    That is him in aisle 3
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  24. #724
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    Quote Originally Posted by Hawg View Post
    What's worse than having a worm in your apple?
    Half a worm in your apple.

  25. #725
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    What's better than having two roses on your piano?




    Tulips on your organ.
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  26. #726
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    Quote Originally Posted by Gasp4Air View Post
    Geez, that's about as old as a boy fell in the mud. Or Johnny Deeper.

    Edit: Actually, I think that joke probably originated with cave people sitting abound eating apples. It could be the original joke.
    OK, smarty, then answer it for me.

    EDIT: The big, bad Pig got it.

  27. #727
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    Next joke:

    What does 1+1=?

  28. #728
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    Quote Originally Posted by Hawg View Post
    Next joke:

    What does 1+1=?
    I know what 1 x 1=


    fun!
    There are two types of people in this world:
    1) Those who can extrapolate from incomplete data

  29. #729
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    Quote Originally Posted by chazpat View Post
    I know what 1 x 1=


    fun!
    Darn SSer!

  30. #730
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    ___________/\________I straight lined I was so bored.
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  31. #731
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    Quote Originally Posted by DIRTJUNKIE View Post
    ___________/\________I straight lined I was so bored.
    That's three times (so far)....

  32. #732
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    What's black and white with a cherry on top?

  33. #733
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    Quote Originally Posted by Hawg View Post
    What's black and white with a cherry on top?
    A nun stuck in a police car?
    "I can almost smell the alcohol oozing from that post."

    mtnbkrmike

    A global map of winds. Pretty cool.

  34. #734
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    One of those black-and-white cookies with a cherry on it?

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  35. #735
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    Excuse me, you sold me a hair with a cake around it.
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  36. #736
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    What's the deal with cinnamon bopka?
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  37. #737
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    "So, speaking of exes, my old girlfriend came over late last night, and yada yada yada, anyway, I'm really tired today."
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  38. #738
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    Gettin' all freaky with the Lobster Bisque?
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  39. #739
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    Quote Originally Posted by Hawg View Post
    What does 1+1=?
    The next big thing in mountain bike gearing?

  40. #740
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    Quote Originally Posted by DIRTJUNKIE View Post
    "So, speaking of exes, my old girlfriend came over late last night, and yada yada yada, anyway, I'm really tired today."
    She took the mattress back?

  41. #741
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    But I don't want to be a pirate.
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  42. #742
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    Quote Originally Posted by DIRTJUNKIE View Post
    But I don't wanna be a pirate.
    Is that why you're so tired? Or cuz she made you carry the mattress?
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  43. #743
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    Quote Originally Posted by DIRTJUNKIE View Post
    "So, speaking of exes, my old girlfriend came over late last night, and yada yada yada, anyway, I'm really tired today."
    I hope you kept your feet hidden.
    There are two types of people in this world:
    1) Those who can extrapolate from incomplete data

  44. #744
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    Quote Originally Posted by DIRTJUNKIE View Post
    "So, speaking of exes, my old girlfriend came over late last night, and yada yada yada, anyway, I'm really tired today."
    Quote Originally Posted by chazpat View Post
    I hope you kept your feet hidden.

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  45. #745
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    yeah, I'm not a big TV watcher
    There are two types of people in this world:
    1) Those who can extrapolate from incomplete data

  46. #746
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    Whatever happened to the OP of this thread, LoudViking? There was very little to joke about that guy, I tell ya'

  47. #747
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    Quote Originally Posted by dirt farmer View Post
    Whatever happened to the OP of this thread, LoudViking? There was very little to joke about that guy, I tell ya'
    I don't know but I pm'd him about a year or so ago asking him if he was still of this earth. He never got back with me.
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  48. #748
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    Quote Originally Posted by DIRTJUNKIE View Post
    I don't know but I pm'd him about a year or so ago asking him if he was still of this earth. He never got back with me.
    Maybe he perished?

  49. #749
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    I barbecued a Wookie steak tonight. It was a little Chewy.

  50. #750
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    Why does it take 6 women with PMT to change a light bulb?












    BECAUSE IT JUST DOES!!!!!!
    I don't crash, I just have slightly uncontrolled dismounts!

  51. #751
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    Quote Originally Posted by kiwiplague View Post
    why does it take 6 women with pmt to change a light bulb?















    Because it just does!!!!!!
    pmt?
    Last edited by DIRTJUNKIE; 01-20-2017 at 11:02 AM.
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  52. #752
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    Quote Originally Posted by dave54 View Post
    I barbecued a Wookie steak tonight. It was a little Chewy.
    'bacca Burger™?
    ¯\(°_o)/¯

  53. #753
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    "A bull elk walks into a gift shop in Colorado...."

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  54. #754
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    he was just trying to pick up a gift for the misses
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  55. #755
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    Quote Originally Posted by DIRTJUNKIE View Post
    pmt?
    Pre Menstrual Tension. You don't have that in America?
    I don't crash, I just have slightly uncontrolled dismounts!

  56. #756
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    Quote Originally Posted by Kiwiplague View Post
    Pre Menstrual Tension. You don't have that in America?
    No, I'm a guy.
    There are two types of people in this world:
    1) Those who can extrapolate from incomplete data

  57. #757
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    Too funny not to pass it along.

    Name:  IMG_9646.JPG
Views: 357
Size:  97.8 KB
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  58. #758
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    Officer: Father Brown have u had anything to drink tonight?

    Father Brown: just water

    Officer: Then why do I smell wine?

    Father Brown: Darn it he did it again.
    Quote Originally Posted by Optimus View Post
    There's some strange folk out there 'bouts. They have no sense of humor.
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  59. #759
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    A gorilla goes into a bar and orders a martini. This totally amazes the bartender, but he thinks, "What the heck, I guess I might as well make the drink." So he mixes the martini. He then walks back over to the give it to the gorilla, and the animal is holding out a twenty-dollar bill. Well, now the bartender is just at a loss for words. He can't believe that a gorilla walked into his bar, ordered a martini, and then actually had a twenty-dollar bill to pay for it.

    So, in amazement, he takes the twenty and walks to the cash register to make the change. While he's standing in front of the cash register he stops for a second and thinks to himself, "Let me try something here and see if the gorilla notices anything."

    So he walks back over to the gorilla and hands him a dollar change. The gorilla doesn't say anything, he just sits there sipping the martini. After a few minutes the bartender just can't take it anymore.

    "You know," he says to the gorilla, "we don't get too many gorillas in here."

    And the gorilla says, "At nineteen dollars a drink I'm not surprised."
    ¯\(°_o)/¯

  60. #760
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    A penguin is driving from LA to ABQ when, out in the desert, his engine starts to overheat. Steam billowing from under the hood, he manages to limp his jalopy into an old garage at a truck stop fuel station in the middle of nowhere.

    Mechanic tells him "OK buddy, I can take a look at it. Why don't you head over to the snack shack and grab something to cool yourself off from this heat while I figure out what we got here."

    Penguin goes over to find something cold and tasty, and then returns to the repair shop next door.

    Mechanic looks at him and says "looks like you blew a seal!"

    Penguin wipes his chin and replies "nope, just vanilla ice cream."
    ¯\(°_o)/¯

  61. #761
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    ^^^ Double bhahahahaha.
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  62. #762
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    My wife screamed during labor.
    "What's wrong, honey?" I asked.
    "What's wrong!?" she screamed. "These contractions are going to kill me!!"
    "I am sorry, babe," I replied. "What is wrong?"
    ¯\(°_o)/¯

  63. #763
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    Five rules for men to follow for a happy life

    1. It's important to have a woman, who helps at home, who cooks from time to time, cleans up and has a job.

    2. It's important to have a woman, who can make you laugh.

    3. It's important to have a woman, who you can trust and who doesn't lie to you.

    4. It's important to have a woman, who is good in bed and who likes to be with you.

    5. It's very, very important that these four women do not know each other

  64. #764
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    Male or Female? You might not have known this, but a lot of non-living objects are actually either male or female. Here are some examples:

    FREEZER BAGS:
    They are male, because they hold everything in, but you can see right through them.

    PHOTOCOPIERS:
    These are female, because once turned off; it takes a while to warm them up again. They are an effective reproductive device if the righ t buttons are pushed, but can also wreak havoc if you push the wrong Buttons

    TIRES:
    Tires are male, because they go bald easily and are often over inflated

    HOT AIR BALLOONS:
    Also a male object, because to get them to go anywhere, you have to light a fire under their butt.

    SPONGES:
    These are female, because they are soft, squeezable and retain water.

    WEB PAGES:
    Female, because they're constantly being looked at and frequently getting hit on.

    TRAINS:
    Definitely male, because they always use the same old lines for picking up people.

    EGG TIMERS:
    Egg timers are female because, over time, all the weight shifts to the bottom

    HAMMERS:
    Male, because in the last 50 00 years, they've hardly changed at all, and are occasionally handy to have around.

    THE REMOTE CONTROL:
    Female. Ha! You probably thought it would be male, but consider this: It easily gives a man pleasure, he'd be lost without it, and while he doesn't always know which buttons to push, he just keeps trying

  65. #765
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    What do spanish clocks say?
    .
    .
    .
    .
    .
    Tic Taco

  66. #766
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    What's green, and has wheels?



    Grass. I lied about the wheels.

  67. #767
    Self Appointed Judge&Jury
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    So the grandparents of a 3 year old girl were babysitting their granddaughter. The parents of the little girl being avid cyclists. The grandfather sat down at the kitchen table and was checking his blood pressure. Pumping up the little ball. The little girl looked at him and said "grandpa are you checking your air pressure?"
    ----------- __o
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    BRAAP(>)/ (*)
    ************^^^^¯\_(ツ)_/¯

    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qqpcBpSsj1A

  68. #768
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    Free Sex With Fill-Up
    **
    A*gas station*in Arkansas was trying to increase its sales, so the owner put up a sign saying, "Free Sex with Fill-Up".

    Soon a local redneck pulled in, filled his tank, and then asked for his free sex.
    ******************************
    The owner told him to pick a number from 1 to 10. If he guessed correctly, he would get his free sex. The redneck then guessed 8, and the proprietor said, "You were close. The number was 7. Sorry, no sex this time."*

    A week later, the same redneck, along with a buddy, Bubba, pulled in for a fill-up. Again he asked for his free sex. The proprietor again gave him the same story, and asked him to guess the correct number.*

    The redneck guessed 2 this time. Again the proprietor said, "Sorry, it was 3. You were close, but no free sex this time."*

    As they were driving away, the redneck said to his buddy, "I think that game is rigged and he doesn't really give away free sex."*

    Bubba replied, "No it ain't, Billy Ray.. It ain't rigged ----- my wife won twice last week."

  69. #769
    Meatbomb
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    Attached Thumbnails Attached Thumbnails It's just jokes-advice.jpg  


  70. #770
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    What's even more significant than the invention of the first telephone?

    The invention of the second telephone.
    rOCktoberfest 2015 pt I here
    rOCktoberfest 2015 pt II here

  71. #771
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    A 12 year old boy living on a farm gets out of bed and walks down the stairs to the kitchen. Sits down at the kitchen table to an empty plate. He asks his mom, where’s breakfast?

    His mother says you’re not getting any breakfast until you feeds the chicken, pig and cow.

    The little boy stomps out of the house with an attitude. Stomps over and feeds the chicken, then kicks the chicken.

    Stomps over and feeds the pig, then kicks the pig.

    Stomps over and feeds the cow, then kicks the cow.

    He then stomps into the house, still with an attitude, plops his butt down at the kitchen table to an empty plate. He asks his mother, where’s my breakfast?

    His mother says, you kicked the pig the chicken and the cow. No eggs bacon or milk for you young man.

    Right about that time the father walks down the stairs and at the bottom kicks the cat.

    The little boy looks at his mother and says, do you want me to tell him, or do you want to?
    Last edited by DIRTJUNKIE; 11-04-2017 at 08:58 AM.
    ----------- __o
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    ************^^^^¯\_(ツ)_/¯

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  72. #772
    nimble biker
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    Quote Originally Posted by heartland View Post
    A roadie, a mountain biker, and a cyclocrosser walk into a bar. Each of them orders a pint of beer, but when their beers are served they see a fly floating in each of the three glasses.

    The roadie, disgusted, pushes his glass away.

    The mountain biker calmly reaches into his glass, picks out the fly, flicks it to the floor, and drinks his beer.

    The cyclocrosser picks out the fly, throws it on the bar, and starts pressing on its stomach, yelling, "SPIT IT OUT, YOU BASTARD, SPIT IT OUT!"
    I don't get it

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  73. #773
    Cycologist
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    Quote Originally Posted by Picard View Post
    I don't get it

    Sent from my F3213 using Tapatalk
    The cyclocrosser was Irish.
    There are two types of people in this world:
    1) Those who can extrapolate from incomplete data

  74. #774
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    Quote Originally Posted by chazpat View Post
    The cyclocrosser was Irish.
    Or German. . lol.
    ----------- __o
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  75. #775
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    Or blonde. (everyone knows flies can't understand human language)
    rOCktoberfest 2015 pt I here
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