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Thread: It's just jokes

  1. #251
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    A pastor wanted to raise money for his church and on being told that there was a fortune in horse racing, decided to purchase one and enter it in the races.
    However at the local auction, the going price for a horse was so high that he ended up buying a donkey instead.
    He figured that since he had it, he might as well go ahead and enter it in the races.
    To his surprise, the donkey came in third. The next day the local paper carried this headline: PASTOR'S ASS SHOWS.
    The pastor was so pleased with the donkey that he enter it in the race again, and this time it won.
    The local paper read: PASTOR'S ASS OUT FRONT.
    The Bishop was so upset with this kind of publicity that he ordered the pastor not to enter the donkey in another race.
    The next day, the local paper headline read: BISHOP SCRATCHES PASTOR'S ASS.
    This was too much for the bishop, so he ordered the pastor to get rid of the donkey.
    The pastor decided to give it to a nun in a nearby convent.
    The local paper, hearing the news, posted the following headline the next day: NUN HAS BEST ASS IN TOWN.
    The bishop fainted. He informed the nun that she would have to get rid of the donkey, so she sold it to a farmer for ten dollars.
    The next day the paper read: NUN SELLS ASS FOR $10.OO
    This was too much for the bishop, so he ordered the nun to buy back the donkey and lead it to the plains where it could run wild.
    The next day the headlines read: NUN ANNOUNCES HER ASS IS WILD AND FREE.
    The bishop was buried the next day.

  2. #252
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    An older woman will never wake you up in the middle of the night and ask you, "What are you thinking?"
    An older woman doesn't care what you think.

    An older woman always carries condoms in her purse.
    A younger woman is still hoping the guy might have one on him.

    An older woman is a cheaper date.
    A younger woman will cost you 12 beers, but an older woman will sleep with you after a cup of a herbal tea.

    The older a woman gets, the stronger her libido gets and the older a
    man gets, the weaker his libido gets...
    which is why nature intended young guys to go out with older women and young women to go out with older men.

    An older woman can wear bright red lipstick during the day without looking
    like she just had an adventure inside a jam jar.
    This is not true of younger women or drag queens.

    Older women can run faster because they're always wearing sensible shoes.

    An older woman is into "no strings attached" sex!

    An older woman is almost always already attached to someone, so there's no need to develop a phobia about
    committing to her. The last thing she needs in her life is another clingy, whiny, dependent man.

    Older women are more honest.
    An older woman will tell you that you are an a-hole if you're acting like one.
    A young woman will say nothing, just in case it means you might break up with her.

    An older woman will never get pregnant and then suddenly demand that the two of you get married. In fact, if you impregnate an older woman, you will probably be the last to know.

    Older women have jobs with dental plans.
    Younger women can't help you when your teeth get knocked out playing hockey.

    An older woman will never accuse you of "using her". She's using you.

    Older women take charge of the situation.

    An older woman will call you up and ask you for a date. A younger woman will wait forever, by the phone, for you to call.

    Older women know how to cook. Young women know how to dial Pizza Hut take out.

    An older woman will introduce you to all of her girlfriends.
    A younger woman will avoid her girlfriends when she's with you, in case you get any ideas.

    Older women are psychic. You never have to confess to having an affair,
    because somehow they always know.

    Older women often own an interesting collection of lingerie that they have
    acquired from admirers over the years.
    Young women often don't wear underpants at all, thus practically eliminating all possibility of a strip-tease.

    Older women know what Kegel exercises are.

    An older woman will agree to go to McDonald's with you for a meal. Younger women are too nervous to eat anything in front of somebody that they might possibly "do" later.

    Older women are dignified. They are beyond having a screaming match with you in the middle of the night in a public park.

    Older women are experienced. They understand that sometimes,after 12 beers, a guy just can't get it up.
    A younger woman may need some time to grasp this fact.

    An older woman has lots of girlfriends... and most of them will want to "do" you too.

    An older woman will never accuse you of stealing the best years of her youth because chances are someone else has stolen them first.

  3. #253
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    In a trial, in a small SC town, a prosecuting attorney called his first witness to the stand. She was sworn in, asked if she would tell the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth, on the Bible, so help her God.
    She says "I do."
    She was a proper well-dressed elderly lady, the grandmother type, well-spoken and poised. The prosecuting attorney approached the woman and asked, "Mrs. Jones, do you know me?"
    She responded, "Why, yes I do know you, Mr. Williams. I've known you since you were a young boy and frankly, you've been a big disappointment to me. You lie, cheat on your wife, manipulate people and talk badly about them behind their backs. You think you're a rising big shot when you haven't the sense to realize you never will amount to anything more than a two-bit paper-pushing shyster. Yes, I know you quite well."
    The lawyer was stunned. He couldn't even think for a few moments. Then, he slowly backed away, fearing the looks on the judge and jurors' faces, not to mention the court reporter who documented every word. Not knowing what else to do, he pointed across the room and asked, "Mrs. Jones, do you know the defense attorney?
    "She again replied, "Why, yes, I do. I've known Mr. Bradley since he was a youngster, too. He's lazy, big-mouthed and has a bad drinking problem. The man can't build or keep a normal relationship with anyone and his law practice is one of the worst in the entire state. Not to mention he cheated on his wife with three different women. Yes, I know him."
    The defense attorney almost fainted and was seen slipping downward in his chair, looking at the floor. Laughter mixed with gasps thundered throughout the court room and the audience was on the verge of chaos.
    At this point, the judge brought the courtroom to silence, called both counselors to the bench, and in a very quiet voice said, "If either of you crooked bastards asks her if she knows me, you'll be thrown in jail for contempt. Is that clear?"

  4. #254
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    An elderly couple who were childhood sweethearts had married and settled down in their old neighbourhood and are celebrating their fiftieth wedding anniversary.
    They walk down the street to their old school. There, they hold hands as they find the old desk they 'd shared and where he had carved "I love you, Sally."
    On their way back home, a bag of money falls out of an armoured car practically at their feet. She quickly picks it up, but they don't know what to do with it so they take it home.
    There, she counts the money, and it's fifty-thousand dollars.
    The husband says, "We have got to give it back."
    She says, "Finders keepers." And she puts the money back in the bag and hides it up in their attic.
    The next day, two FBI men are going door-to-door in the neighbourhood looking for the money and show up at their home. They say, "Pardon me, but did either of you find any money! that fell out of an armoured car yesterday?"
    She says, "No."
    The husband says, "She is lying. She hid it up in the attic."
    She says, "Don't believe him, he is getting senile."
    But the agents sit the man down and begin to question him. One says, "Tell us the story from the beginning."
    The old man says, "Well, when Sally and I were walking home from school yesterday..."
    The FBI guy looks at his partner and says, "Let's get out of here."

  5. #255
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    The following is an actual question given on a University of Washington Chemistry mid term. The answer by one student was "so profound" that the professor shared it with colleagues, via the Internet, which is, of course, why we now have the pleasure of enjoying it as well.

    Bonus Question: Is Hell exothermic (gives off heat) or endothermic (absorbs heat)? Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs using Boyle's Law, (gas cools off when it expands and heats). One student wrote the following answer:

    First, we need to know how the mass of Hell is changing in time. So we need to know the rate that souls are moving into Hell and the rate they are leaving. I think that we can safely assume that once a soul gets to Hell, it will not leave. Therefore, no souls are leaving. As for how many souls are entering Hell, let's look at the different religions that exist in the world today. Some of these religions state that if you are not a member of their religion, you will go to Hell. Since there are more than one of these religions and since people do not belong to more than one religion, we can project that all souls go to Hell. With birth and death rates as they are, we can expect the number of souls in Hell to increase exponentially.

    Now, we look at the rate of change of the volume in Hell because Boyle's Law states that in order for the temperature and pressure in Hell to stay the same, the volume of Hell has to expand proportionately as souls are added. This gives two possibilities:

    1. If Hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at which souls enter Hell, then the temperature and pressure in Hell will increase until all Hell breaks loose.
    2. If Hell is expanding at a rate faster than the increase of souls in Hell, then the temperature and pressure will drop until Hell freezes over.

    So which is it? If we accept the postulate given to me by Teresa during my Freshman year that: "it will be a cold day in Hell before I sleep with you," and take into account the fact that I still have not succeeded in having sexual relations with her, then #2 cannot be true, and thus I am sure that Hell is exothermic and will not freeze.

    The student received the only "A" given.

  6. #256
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    I mass blasted a bunch of jokes that are funny. You negative rep me for posting jokes on a thread called "It's just jokes" that contains nothing but pages full of jokes?
    What did you want me to do, post one at a time each day to allow you the time to understand the punchline? This has got to be be the most d**k move I have ever seen on the internet.
    I can't even comprehend what went through your head to report me and negative rep me for posting frigging jokes in a joke thread. You have succeeded in ruining my whole night.
    If later on you reply back with a "I was high/drunk" that would be the only thing that could redeem such stupidity.

  7. #257
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    Let's get back to the jokes please...if Surfacecreations "spamming" jokes (it's jokes of all things, c'mon) in the jokes thread doesn't get this thread shut down then this argument will.
    Mountain bikers who don't road ride have no legs...
    Road riders who don't mountain bike have no soul...

  8. #258
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    This guy sees a sign in front of a house: "Talking Dog for Sale." He rings the bell and the owner tells him the dog is in the backyard. The guy goes into the backyard and sees a black mutt just sitting there.
    "You talk?" he asks.
    "Yep," the mutt replies.
    "So, what's your story?"
    The mutt looks up and says, "Well, I discovered this gift pretty young and I wanted to help the government, so I told the CIA about my gift, and in no time they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders, because no one figured a dog would be eavesdropping. I was one of their most valuable spies eight years running. The jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn't getting any younger and I wanted to settle down. So I signed up for a job at the airport to do some undercover security work, mostly wandering near suspicious characters and listening in. I uncovered some incredible dealings there and was awarded a batch of medals. Had a wife, a mess of puppies, and now I'm just retired."
    The guy is amazed. He goes back in and asks the owner what he wants for the dog.
    The owner says, "Ten dollars."
    The guy says, "This dog is amazing. Why on earth are you selling him, so cheap?"
    The owner replies, "He's such a liar. He didn't do any of that stuff."

  9. #259
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    Dear Abby:

    I have been engaged for almost a year. I am to be married next month. My fiancee's mother is not only very attractive but really great and understanding. She is putting the entire wedding together and invited me to her place to go over the invitation list because it had grown a bit beyond what we had expected it to be.

    When I got to her place we reviewed the list and trimmed it down to just under a hundred ... then she floored me. She said that in a month I would be a married man and that before that happened, she wanted to have sex with me. Then she just stood up and walked to her bedroom and on her way said that I knew where the front door was if I wanted to leave.

    I stood there for about five minutes and finally decided that I knew exactly how to deal with this situation. I headed straight out the front door . . .

    There, leaning against my car was her husband, my father-in-law to be. He was smiling. He explained that they just wanted to be sure I was a good kid and would be true to their little girl. I shook his hand and he congratulated me on passing their little test.

    Abby, should I tell my fiancee' what her parents did, and that I thought their "little test" was asinine and insulting to my character?

    Or should I keep the whole thing to myself including the fact that the reason

    I was walking out to my car was to get a condom?

  10. #260
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    A boss of a big company needed to call one of his employees about an urgent problem with one of the main computers. He dialed the employee's home phone number and was greeted with a child's whispered, "Hello?"
    Feeling put out at the inconvenience of having to talk to the youngster, the boss asked, "Is your Daddy home?"
    "Yes," whispered the small voice.
    "May I talk with him?" the man asked.
    To the surprise of the boss, the small voice whispered, "No."
    Wanting to talk with an adult, the boss asked, "Is your Mommy there?"
    Yes," came the answer.
    "May I talk with her?"
    Again the small voice whispered, "No."
    Knowing that it was not likely that a young child would be left home alone, the boss decided he would just leave a message with the person who should be there watching over the child.
    "Is there anyone there besides you?" the boss asked the child.
    "Yes," whispered the child, "a policeman."
    Wondering what a cop would be doing at his employee's home, the boss asked, "May I speak with the policeman?"
    "No, he's busy," whispered the child.
    "Busy doing what?" asked the boss.
    "Talking to Daddy and Mommy and the Fireman," came the whispered answer.
    Growing concerned and even worried as he heard what sounded like a helicopter through the ear piece on the phone, the boss asked, "What is that noise?"
    "A hello-copper," answered the whispering voice.
    "What is going on there?" asked the boss, now alarmed.
    In an awed whispering voice, the child answered, "The search team just landed the hello-copper."
    Alarmed, concerned, and more than just a little frustrated, the boss asked, "What are they searching for?"
    Still whispering, the young voice replied along with a muffled giggle,
    "Me."

  11. #261
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    A little boy got lost at the YMCA and found himself in the women's locker room. When he was spotted, the room burst into shrieks, with ladies grabbing towels and running for cover. The little boy watched in amazement and then asked, "What's the matter haven't you ever seen a little boy before?"

  12. #262
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    It was a hot summer night. Slowly I spread her legs and my hand was trying to find it's way to her nipple... I was so excited! I never milked a cow before...

  13. #263
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    Bob was driving home after spending a great day on the lake fishing. His catch, cleaned and filleted, was wrapped in newspaper on the passenger side floor. He was late getting home, so he was speeding just a little bit. As he was crossing a bridge, a cop jumped out, radar gun in hand, and motioned Bob to the side of the bridge. Bob pulled over like a good citizen.
    The cop walked up to Bob's car and said "You know how fast you were goin', boy?"
    Bob thought for a second and said "Uh, 60?"
    "67 MPH, BOY!! 67 MPH in a 55 zone!!!" said the cop.
    "If you already knew, why'd you ask me?", Bob snarled back.
    Fuming over Bob's answer, the officer growled, "That's speeding, and you're getting a ticket and a fine!" The cop took a good close look at Bob in his stained fishing attire, and said, "You don't even look like you have a job!! Why, I've never seen anyone so scruffy in my entire life!"
    Bob answered, "Hey, I've got a job . . . a good job!"
    The cop leaned in the window, sniffing the foul air, and said, "What kind of a job would a smelly bum like you have?"
    "I'm a rectum stretcher!" Bob replied.
    "What the hell does a rectum stretcher do, Boy?" asked the cop.
    Bob explained, "When someone needs to be stretched, I'm the one who does it. I start with a couple fingers, then a couple more, and then one hand, then both hands. Then I slowly pull them farther and farther apart until the rectum is a full six feet across."
    The cop, absorbed with this bizarre image, asked, "What the hell do you do with a six foot rectum?"
    Bob replied, "I guess you give it a radar gun and stick it on the end of a bridge!"

  14. #264
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    It was the first day of grade school and the teacher asked the children what they had done over the summer.

    One little boy raised his hand and said, "I went for a ride on the choo-choo."

    "That's very nice," the teacher said, "but now that we are in first grade, we don't say choo-choo, we say train."

    The next child raised her hand and said, "I had to have an operation on my tummy this summer."

    "I'm sorry to hear that," said the teacher, "but now that we are in first grade, we don't say tummy, we say stomach."

    The third child stood up, feeling quite smart and grown-up, and said, "This summer we got to go to DisneyWorld and I met Winnie the S**t!"

  15. #265
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    Miss Jones asked young Tommy, "If three birds were sitting on a fence, and the farmer shot one of them, how many would be left?"

    "Well," said Tommy, "none would be left because the sound of the gun would scare the others away."

    "That's not quite the answer I was looking for, since we're doing subtraction today, but I like the way you're thinking," the teacher said.

    The next day, Tommy told Miss Jones that he had a question for her. "If three women were walking down the road, one licking an ice cream cone, one sucking an ice cream cone and one biting an ice cream cone, which of the three would be the married woman?"

    "I think it would be the one sucking the ice cream cone," Miss Jones replied.

    "Sorry, Miss Jones," Tommy said. "It would be the one with the wedding ring on her finger, but I like the way you're thinking."

  16. #266
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    Monday morning the teacher asks her class if there was anything exciting that happened to them over the weekend.

    As usual, little Johnny is waving his hand frantically, but knowing his reputation the teacher is doing her best to avoid calling on him.

    Finally, she gives in and calls on him, "All right, Johnny, tell us what you did this weekend."

    "I had my dog pull me in my wagon," Johnny proudly states. "We came to this steep hill and were going so fast that my dog couldn't run fast enough. That's when the handle of the wagon rammed right up his ass."

    "Rectum, Johnny, rectum!" the teacher scolds.

    "Wrecked um? Ha! Damn near killed him!" Johnny exclaims.

  17. #267
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    On Billy's first day at a new school, his father accompanied him so he could speak with the teacher. He told the teacher that, while Billy was a good kid, he had a bit of a gambling problem and may try to win lunch money from the other children if he wasn't watched. The teacher assured the father that she was very capable of handling such a problem and he needn't be too concerned.

    Shortly after lunch, Billy's father called the teacher to see how things were going.

    "Everything is going well," the teacher replied. "I believe I may have cured Billy of his gambling habit." "That's wonderful," the father said, "How?"

    "Well," the teacher explained, "Billy insisted on betting me twenty dollars that I had a mole on my rear. Finally, I agreed to the bet and took him to the lounge to show him that I didn't."

    "I'll be damned," the father said. "Just this morning he bet me a hundred bucks that he would get to see the teacher's ass before the day was over."

  18. #268
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    On the first day of school, the teacher went around the room and asked each student what their father does for a living.

    "My father is a fireman. He fights fires for a living," Susie said. "Very good Susie," said the teacher.

    "My dad is a lawyer," said Sam. "He helps good people, and puts bad people in jail." "Thank you, Sam," replied the teacher.

    Next, the teacher asked Johnny what his father does. "Oh, he's dead," replied Johnny.

    "I'm so sorry, Johnny," the teacher replied. "What did he do before he died?"

    "First he turned blue, then he s**t on the carpet!" Johnny answered.

  19. #269
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    A primary school teacher in the Bronx wanted to see if the city children knew what sounds farm animals made. She asked the kids to raise their hands if they knew the correct sounds.

    "Who can tell us what sound a cow makes?" the teacher asked.

    Lisa raised her hand and said, "Moooo!"

    "Very good," replied the teacher. "Now, what sound do sheep make?"

    Bobby raised his hand and said, "Baaaa!"

    "Right," the teacher said. She continued this for a while and then asked, "What sound does a pig make?"

    All the students raised their hands. The teacher was surprised at the response and chose Tyrone at the back of the class.

    He stood up, took and deep breath and yelled, "Up against the wall, mutha-****a!"

  20. #270
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    A second grade teacher had a small group of children seated around a table for a reading group. After the story had been read, she gave the children a work sheet to do.

    The children were working hard when the teacher heard a little girl softly say, "****!"

    The teacher leaned over and quietly said to the little girl, "We don't say that in school."

    The little girl's eyes got very large as she innocently looked up at the teacher and said, "Not even when everything's all ****ed up?"

  21. #271
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    A lecturer teaching medicine was tutoring a class on 'Observation'. He took out a jar of yellow-colored liquid.

    "This", he explained to the class, "is urine. In order to be a doctor, you must be observant to color, smell, sight, and taste."

    After saying this, he dipped his finger into the jar and put it into his mouth. His class watched on in amazement, most, in disgust. But, being the good students that they were, the jar was passed around and, one by one, they dipped one finger into the jar jar and then put it into their mouth.

    After the last student was done, the lecturer shook his head. "Had any of you been observant, you would have noticed that I put my second finger into the jar and my third finger into my mouth."

  22. #272
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    Quote Originally Posted by sasquatch rides a SS View Post
    Let's get back to the jokes please...if Surfacecreations "spamming" jokes (it's jokes of all things, c'mon) in the jokes thread doesn't get this thread shut down then this argument will.
    This is off-topic but it's still "funny" to me. It's about your user name. Here's picture of a "Squatch" chasing a girl on a geared mountain bike. He doesn't care about the girl at all.. Oh no, not at all... he wants the GEARED mountain bike!
    Last edited by Hawg; 07-31-2012 at 05:54 PM.

  23. #273
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    RECIPE FOR LOVE:

    Ingredients:
    4 Laughing eyes
    4 Well-shaped legs
    4 Loving arms
    2 Firm milk containers
    2 Nuts
    1 Fur-lined mixing bowl
    1 Firm banana

    DIRECTIONS :
    1. Look into laughing eyes.
    2. Spread well-shaped legs with loving arms.
    3. Squeeze and massage milk containers very gently until fur-lined mixing bowl moistens
    4. Gently add firm banana to mixing bowl, working in and out until well creamed. For best results, continue to knead milk containers
    5. As heat rises, plunge banana deep into mixing bowl and cover with nuts, leave to soak (preferably not overnight).
    6. The cake is done when banana is soft. If banana doesnít soften, repeat steps 3-5 or change mixing bowls.

    Notes:
    1. If in unfamiliar kitchen, wash utensils carefully before and after use.
    2. Do not lick mixing bowl after use.
    3. If cake rises, leave town.

  24. #274
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    A train hits a bus load of nuns and they all perish. They are all in heaven trying to enter the pearly gates past St. Peter.
    He asks the first nun, Sister Karen, have you ever had any contact with a penis?
    The nun giggles and slyly replies, Well once I touched the head of one with the tip of my finger.
    St. Peter says, OK, dip the tip of your finger in the holy water and pass through the gate.
    St. Peter asks the next nun the same question, Sister Elizabeth have you ever had any contact with a penis?
    The nun is a little reluctant but replies Well once I fondled and stroked one.
    St. Peter says OK, dip your whole hand in the holy water and pass through the gate.
    All of a sudden, there is a lot of commotion in the line of nuns, one nuns is pushing her way to the front of the line. When she reaches the front of the line St. Peter says Sister, Sister what seems to be the rush?!
    The nun replies, If Iím going to have to gargle that holy water, I want to go before Sister Mary sticks her ass in it!

  25. #275
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    Square Balls

    A little old lady walked into the head branch of the Chase Manhattan Bank holding a large paper bag in her hand. She told the young man at the window that she wished to take the $3 million she had in the bag and open an account with the bank. She said that first, though, she wished to meet the president of Chase Manhattan Bank due to the amount of money involved. The teller seemed to think that was a reasonable request and after opening the paper bag and seeing the bundles of $1000 bills which amounted to right around $3 million, telephoned the bank's secretary to obtain an appointment for the lady.

    The lady was escorted upstairs and ushered into the president's office. Introductions were made and she stated that she would like to get to know the people she did business with on a more personal level. The bank president then asked her where she came into such a large amount of money. "Was it an inheritance?" he asked.

    "No." she answered.

    "Was it from playing the stock market?"

    "No." she replied.

    He was quiet for a minute, trying to think of where this little old lady could possibly come into $3 million. "I bet." she stated.

    "You bet?" repeated the bank president. "As in horses?"

    "No." she replied, "I bet people."

    Seeing his confusion, she explained that she justs bets different things with people. All of a sudden she said, "I'll bet you $25,000.00 that by 10:00 o'clock tomorrow morning, your balls will be square."

    The bank president figured she must be off her rocker and decided to take her up on the bet. He didn't see how he could lose. For the rest of the day, the bank president was very careful. He decided to stay home that evening and take no chances; there was $25,000.00 at stake.

    When he got up in the morning and took his shower, he checked to make sure everything was okay. There was no difference; he looked the same as he always had. He went to work and waited for the little old lady to come in at 10:00 o'clock, humming as he went. He knew this would be a good day; how often do you get handed $25,000.00 for doing nothing.

    At 10:00 o'clock sharp, the little old lady was shown into his office. With her was a younger man. When he inquired as to the man's purpose for being there, she informed him that he was her lawyer and she always took him along when there was this much money involved. "Well," she asked, "what about our bet?"

    "I don't know how to tell you this," he replied, "but I am the same as I've always been only $25,000.00 richer."

    The lady seemed to accept this, but requested that she be able to see for herself. The bank president thought this was reasonable and dropped his trousers. She instructed him to bend over and then grabbed a hold of him. Sure enough, everything was fine. The bank president then looked up and saw her lawyer standing across the room banging his head against the wall.

    "What' wrong with him?" he inquired.

    "Oh him," she replied, "I bet him $100,000.00 that by 10:00 o'clock this morning that I'd have the president of Chase Manhattan Bank by the balls."

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