Suspension - nah.

Dropper seat post - sounds painful.

Gears - maybe, in 110bcd.

Outboard bearings - does that have to do with sailing?

Disc brakes - brakes slow you down; I thought the point was to go fast.

Let's see those analog bikes that you still love to rail. Don't be shy. Be proud of your square taper crank set. Eat it, MBA.

Generic Aluminum frame
Cantilever brakes
Steel fork
SS
Square Taper BB
26" Bontrager wheels
etc.