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Thread: 50+ Joke Thread

  1. #1
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    50+ Joke Thread

    Driving with my wife when a blonde 20-something in a Porsche 911 passes us. My wife looks at me and says "I know what you're thinking." "No you don't." I reply. "Yes I do, you're thinking about having sex with that blonde in the Porsche, aren't you?" She tells me. "Well that's not what I was thinking, but now I'm thinking the 911 is too damn small for sex." My arm still hurts.
    Last edited by Forster; 09-24-2015 at 04:16 PM.
    The most expensive bike in the world is still cheaper than the cheapest open heart surgery.

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    I don't get it.

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    Quote Originally Posted by Forster View Post
    Driving with my wife when a blonde 20-something in a Porsche 911 passes us. My wife looks at me and says "I know what you're thinking." "No you don't." I reply. "Yes I do, you're thinking about having sex with that blonde in the Porsche, aren't you?" She tells me. "Nope, you're dead wrong." I reply, "I'm wondering why they have to make the 911 so damn small." My arm still hurts.
    I dont get it, either.

    I like the idea of this thread, though, so here ya go:

    An 82 year-old man goes to the doctor to get a physical. A few days later, the doctor sees him walking down the street with a gorgeous young woman on his arm. A couple of days later, the doctor sees him again and says, 'You're really doing great, aren't you?' Morris replies, " 'Just doing what you said, Doc: 'Get a hot mamma and be cheerful.’ '' The doctor says, 'I didn't say that. I said you've got a heart murmur -- be careful.'

    Reporters interviewing a 104-year-old woman asked her, "What do you think is the best thing about being 104?"
    She replied, "No peer pressure."


    I sure have gotten old! I've had two bypass surgeries, a hip replacement, new knees, fought prostate cancer and diabetes. I'm half blind, I can't hear anything quieter than a jet engine, I take 40 different medications that make me dizzy, winded, and I’m subject to blackouts. I have bouts with dementia, have poor circulation and can barely feel my hands and feet anymore. I can't remember if I'm 85 or 92 and have lost all my friends... Thank God I still have my driver's license!
    The older I get the better I was...

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    Quote Originally Posted by Phillbo View Post
    I don't get it.
    Implication is that the Porsche is too small to have sex in.
    The most expensive bike in the world is still cheaper than the cheapest open heart surgery.

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    Quote Originally Posted by veloborealis View Post
    I dont get it, either.

    I like the idea of this thread, though, so here ya go:

    An 82 year-old man goes to the doctor to get a physical. A few days later, the doctor sees him walking down the street with a gorgeous young woman on his arm. A couple of days later, the doctor sees him again and says, 'You're really doing great, aren't you?' Morris replies, " 'Just doing what you said, Doc: 'Get a hot mamma and be cheerful.’ '' The doctor says, 'I didn't say that. I said you've got a heart murmur -- be careful.'

    Reporters interviewing a 104-year-old woman asked her, "What do you think is the best thing about being 104?"
    She replied, "No peer pressure."


    I sure have gotten old! I've had two bypass surgeries, a hip replacement, new knees, fought prostate cancer and diabetes. I'm half blind, I can't hear anything quieter than a jet engine, I take 40 different medications that make me dizzy, winded, and I’m subject to blackouts. I have bouts with dementia, have poor circulation and can barely feel my hands and feet anymore. I can't remember if I'm 85 or 92 and have lost all my friends... Thank God I still have my driver's license!
    Those were good, especially the first one.

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    I finally received my new bike the other day. Wife was so sweet, and accommodating .......yet she refused to sleep in the garage for just that night.

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    Quote Originally Posted by Forster View Post
    Implication is that the Porsche is too small to have sex in.
    As I suspected, but the part about your arm still hurting threw me off. Thought it was the punchline. If this really happened and your wife really did punch you, I guess it was. Ha!
    The older I get the better I was...

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    Quote Originally Posted by Forster View Post
    Implication is that the Porsche is too small to have sex in.
    I can vouch personally that it's not.

    Nor is a Pontiac Fiero or a 240Z or a Corvette, need I go on?
    Quote Originally Posted by targnik View Post
    So I shoot off all full of bravado, hit this wee booter - grabbing some air, then I land - leading into a greasy rut.

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    Quote Originally Posted by DIRTJUNKIE View Post
    I can vouch personally that it's not.

    Nor is a Pontiac Fiero or a 240Z or a Corvette, need I go on?
    I may be taller or less flexible than you.
    The most expensive bike in the world is still cheaper than the cheapest open heart surgery.

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    Quote Originally Posted by Forster View Post
    I may be taller or less flexible than you.
    LOL
    I'm 6' and as flexible as a DH fork.
    Quote Originally Posted by targnik View Post
    So I shoot off all full of bravado, hit this wee booter - grabbing some air, then I land - leading into a greasy rut.

  11. #11
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    Quote Originally Posted by Forster View Post
    Implication is that the Porsche is too small to have sex in.
    Road Head is possible in any car.

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    You know why they call it the "Golden Years" ?

    Because the Doctors get all the gold.
    Communist Party Member Since 1917.

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    Okay - here's one:

    An old man was getting a checkup because he was having trouble hearing in one ear. The doctor checked him over and said "Here's the problem - you have a suppository in your ear" - and the old man smiled and said "Well that explains what happened to my hearing aid".......

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    The secret to longevity...

    I recently picked a new primary care physician. After two visits and exhaustive lab tests, he said I was doing "fairly well" for my age.
    A little concerned about that comment, I couldn't resist asking him," Do you think I'll live to be 80?"

    He asked, "Do you smoke tobacco or drink beer or wine?" "Oh no," I replied. "I'm not doing drugs, either." Then he asked, "Do you eat rib-eye steaks and barbecued ribs?" I said, "No, my other Doctor said that all red meat is very unhealthy."

    "Do you spend a lot of time in the sun, like playing golf, sailing, hiking, or bicycling?" "No, I don't," I said.

    He asked, "Do you gamble, drive fast cars, or have a lot of sex?" "No," I said. "I don't do any of those things."

    He looked at me and said, "Then why do you want to live to 80."
    The older I get the better I was...

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    Pick-up line overheard at single senior's night:

    "Do I come here often?"
    The older I get the better I was...

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    Joe was showing off his new hearing aid. He said, "Ralph, you can't beat this one. $5,000.00 - top of the line, every feature imaginable, hell it runs on solar power. Ralph asks, "What kind is it?" "1:30."

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    Not strictly a joke, but a pun from unlikely sources. My father-in-law has pretty acute non-Alzheimer's dementia. In addition to having taken his short term memory and a good deal of his long term memory (he remembers the War in Korea but not being married for 40 years) it has lowered his inhibitions. Not strictly a bad thing in his case because what's left is a light-hearted and charming old guy who asks about dancing girls about 20 times a day which is better than the pissed-off, swearing old guy in the next room.

    Anyway, he gets into loops of puns. This week it's all about giving blood draws. When the first nurse came in and couldn't hit the vein she told him she would need help with the draw and he retorted "it's all in vein", the next nurse walked in and (because he doesn't remember the joke he just told but he looping on a concept) he says, "do you use the extra blood, because I'd hate to think this was all in vein." The second nurse had difficulties, but drew the sample and he says "I've never been very vein." Not the funniest puns, but coming from an 85-year-old who can't tell you if he ate dinner 5 minutes after leaving the table, I'll take it.
    The most expensive bike in the world is still cheaper than the cheapest open heart surgery.

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    "I used to worry about getting senile but now I don't remember why."

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    Time for a bump


    * * * *An elderly man driving erratically was stopped by the police around 2 a.m. and was asked where he was going at that time of night.
    * * * *The man replied, "I'm on my way to a lecture about alcohol abuse and the effects it has on the human body, as well as smoking and staying out late."
    * * * *The officer then asked, "Really? Who's giving that lecture at this time of night?"
    * * * *The man replied, "That would be my wife."
    The older I get the better I was...

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    BUMP... What? Am I the only one with love for this thread?


    "I'm confused," the little boy admitted to his elderly teacher. "I went to church last Sunday and they kept telling me to stand up for Jesus! But then I went to the ballgame, and everyone kept yelling, 'For Christ's sake, sit down!'"


    With 50 being the new 30 and all, this probably doesn't describe the older riders who tune into this thread. Kind of funny, though:
    Grandma and Grandpa were sitting in their porch rockers while watching the beautiful sunset and reminiscing about "the good old days". Grandma turned to Grandpa and said, "Honey, do you remember when we first started dating? You used to just casually reach over and take my hand?"

    Grandpa looked over at her, smiled and obligingly took her aged hand in his.

    Growing bolder still, Grandma said, "Honey, do you remember when we were first married? You'd kind of nibble on my ear?" Grandpa slowly got up from his rocker and headed into the house. Alarmed, Grandma said, "Honey, where are you going?"

    Grandpa replied, "To get my teeth!"
    The older I get the better I was...

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    An old man walks into the bar and asks the bartender for a drink that will make him better looking to younger women. The bartender says "Alcohol only makes men think women are sexier. It's different with women." So the old man asks "What can I do to make me sexier to women?". To which the bartender replies, "Well, to start with, you need more money in your billfold."
    The most expensive bike in the world is still cheaper than the cheapest open heart surgery.

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    I went in to a Mexican restaurant for lunch the other day. Sat down and eyeballed the menu. The waitress came over to take my order. I said I'll take the beef tamale plate. She wrote the order down and walked away. After a patient 20 minute wait, no food. I waved her over and asked how much longer for my food. She responded with: they were low on certain ingredients and that I would have to come back tamale.
    Quote Originally Posted by targnik View Post
    So I shoot off all full of bravado, hit this wee booter - grabbing some air, then I land - leading into a greasy rut.

  23. #23
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    You know you're over 50 when...

    Your idea of getting lucky, is finding your car in a parking lot on the first try.
    Communist Party Member Since 1917.

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    ^^^^^
    I can relate!! 😀

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    I like what Larry the Cable Guy said a while back (he was visiting my work place). I'm paraphrasing and not nearly as funny. "Aniversary Gifts should have some romantic weighting based on recent romantic performance. 'Let's see dear, we've been married 10 years and I don't remember our last romantic night so you can have anything on the bottom two shelves, a new push mower or this gift card to Cracker Barrel.'"
    The most expensive bike in the world is still cheaper than the cheapest open heart surgery.

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    The octogenerian returned from his honeymoon with his 80 year old bride. His friends all asked "Did you have sex?" He said "Sure, almost all week. Almost on Monday, almost on Tuesday...".

    An elderly couple were sitting on the front porch reminiscing, when he said "Ma, next week we will have been married sixty years." She said "Yep!", then hit him with a rolled up newspaper. He asked "What was that fer?" She answered "That is for 60 years of being lousy in bed." He pondered for a moment and hit her back with the same newspaper. He then told her "That is for knowing the difference!"
    So many trails... so little time...

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    Old man is in Target buying a woman's bikini when the salesperson asks who he shopping for. "Myself" the old man replies. The salesperson surprised asks "Why are you buying yourself a woman's bikini?" "Because" says the old man "I'm tired of not knowing why people laugh at me at the pool."
    The most expensive bike in the world is still cheaper than the cheapest open heart surgery.

  28. #28
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    You know you are over 50 when... You’re told to slow down by your doctor and not the police.
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    Two unrelated jokes:

    Trump and Clinton walk into a bar. Apparently neither party has raised the bar high enough.

    A man walks into a Priest's office and asks the Priest about how he detects Poltergeists. Then (being clever) he tries to stump the Priest by asking how the Priest would detect a Poltergeist in a building full of politicians to which the Priest replies "I am aware of no such distinction."
    The most expensive bike in the world is still cheaper than the cheapest open heart surgery.

  30. #30
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    89 year old kills it at comedy

    F*ck Cancer

    Eat your veggies

  31. #31
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    You Know You're Over 50 When...
    Your secrets are safe with your friends because they can't remember them either.
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    Reminds me of talking to my wife.

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    80 year old man reaches across the bed and gently caresses his wife's face and shoulder. Intrigued, she turns to face him as his hand continues down her side and on to her hip. Thinking this may be the night she'd dreamed of for years she was suddenly disappointed as he withdrew his hand. "Why did you stop caressing me?" she asked to which he answered "I found the remote."
    The most expensive bike in the world is still cheaper than the cheapest open heart surgery.

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    Quote Originally Posted by Forster View Post
    80 year old man reaches across the bed and gently caresses his wife's face and shoulder. Intrigued, she turns to face him as his hand continues down her side and on to her hip. Thinking this may be the night she'd dreamed of for years she was suddenly disappointed as he withdrew his hand. "Why did you stop caressing me?" she asked to which he answered "I found the remote."
    Quote Originally Posted by targnik View Post
    So I shoot off all full of bravado, hit this wee booter - grabbing some air, then I land - leading into a greasy rut.

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    Quote Originally Posted by cyclelicious View Post
    89 year old kills it at comedy

    Very funny, thanks for sharing that.
    Quote Originally Posted by targnik View Post
    So I shoot off all full of bravado, hit this wee booter - grabbing some air, then I land - leading into a greasy rut.

  36. #36
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    You know you are over 50, when you have sex on the first date because there might not be a second...
    Communist Party Member Since 1917.

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    You know you're over 50 when the Cialis commercial quits annoying you because it's a good reminder to refill you Cialis prescription.
    The most expensive bike in the world is still cheaper than the cheapest open heart surgery.

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    F*ck Cancer

    Eat your veggies

  39. #39
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    Quote Originally Posted by cyclelicious View Post
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    Pretty funny. I was riding on the Tour de Nebraska several years ago and we stopped in a small town for a Pie break. A man who was completing the tour with his 11-year-old daughter seated across from me began choking on his Pie (didn't know that was even possible). I was going around the table to help him when another cyclist lifted him and cleared his obstruction (which landed back on his plate). The mood was really stressful because of the apparent near tragedy when the cyclist who performed the Heimlich said "are you going to eat that." Which caused everyone to burst out laughing in relief. Later he told me he had intended to throw it away but wanted to make sure it was okay, not trying to insinuate that he wanted it. I count it as a double win (save a life, make people laugh).
    The most expensive bike in the world is still cheaper than the cheapest open heart surgery.

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    So we had my father-in-law over for Thanksgiving. My wife and son picked him up and when he got to the door I said "Hey look what the cat dragged in." With out pause he says, "Your guess is as good as mine, they followed me in and I couldn't shake them.". He remains funnier with dementia than he was without, even if he doesn't remember telling the joke.
    The most expensive bike in the world is still cheaper than the cheapest open heart surgery.

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    Doctor's orders

    An 85-year-old man was requested by his Doctor for a sperm count as part of his physical Exam. The doctor gave the man a jar and said, "Take this jar home and bring back a semen sample tomorrow."*

    The next day the 85-year-old man reappeared at the doctor's office and gave him the jar, which was as clean and empty as on the previous day.*

    The doctor asked what happened and the man explained, 'Well, doc, it's like this -- first*I tried with my right hand, but nothing. Then I tried with my left hand, but still nothing. 'Then I asked my wife for help. She tried with her right hand, then with her left, still nothing. She tried with her mouth, first with the teeth in, then with her teeth out, still nothing.*

    'We even called up Arleen, the lady next door and she tried too, first with both hands, then an Armpit, and she even tried squeezin' it between Her knees, but still nothing.'*

    The doctor was shocked! 'You asked your neighbor?'*

    The old man replied, 'Yep, none of us could get the jar open.'
    The older I get the better I was...

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    I'm 55. I remember when water was clean and sex was dirty!

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    I remember...

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    F*ck Cancer

    Eat your veggies

  44. #44
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    Today is my 64th birthday.

    I woke up this morning feeling like a 30 year old.

    Then I remembered how much they cost.
    Hold my beer and watch this!

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    I just got an add in the mail for male growth hormone that promises better sex at 60. I though: "awesome, I live just down the hall in Apartment 47."
    The most expensive bike in the world is still cheaper than the cheapest open heart surgery.

  46. #46
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    50+ Joke Thread-2psjblt.jpg
    F*ck Cancer

    Eat your veggies

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    More humor from my dementia afflicted father-in-law:

    Doctor: "What are we seeing your for today Bill?" Bill: "Everything my insurance will pay for."

    Nurse: "Bill, I'm going to take your blood pressure now." Bill: "Okay, just make sure you put it back, I'm not done using it yet."

    My wife: "Dad, what would you like Santa to bring you this year." Bill: "Let's make sure I live that long before you make any big plans." (5 seconds later) "I did explain that Santa's not real didn't I?" (5 seconds later) "I need to get my car serviced before winter sets in." My wife: "Dad you don't have a car anymore." Bill: "Okay, better scratch that off the list."
    The most expensive bike in the world is still cheaper than the cheapest open heart surgery.

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    An elderly man in Oklahoma calls his son in New York and says,

    "I hate to ruin your day son, but I have to tell you that your mother and I are getting a divorce; 45 years of marriage... and that much misery is enough!"

    "Dad, what are you talking about?" the son yells.


    "We can't stand the sight of each other any longer," the old dad explained. "We're sick of each other, and I'm sick of talking about this, so you call your sister in Hong Kong and tell her!".

    Frantic, the son calls his sister, who explodes on the phone.

    "Like heck they're getting divorced," she shouts, "I'll take care of this."

    She calls her elderly father immediately, and screams at him, "You are not getting divorced. Don't do a single thing until I get there. I'm calling my brother back, and we'll both be there tomorrow. Until then, don't do a thing, you hear me?" she yelled as she hung up the phone.

    The old man hangs up his phone and turns to his wife. "Okay", he says, "it's all set. They're both coming for Christmas and paying their own air-fare."
    The most expensive bike in the world is still cheaper than the cheapest open heart surgery.

  49. #49
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    An old guy in an old folks home walks up to an old woman there and says, "Hey, it's my birthday today!"
    The old woman says, "Let me guess how old you are."
    She then puts her hand down his pants and feels around for several minutes and says, "You're 82."
    The old man says, "Wow, how could you tell that?"
    She says, "Bob told me this morning."

  50. #50
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    Quote Originally Posted by Forster View Post
    More humor from my dementia afflicted father-in-law:

    Doctor: "What are we seeing your for today Bill?" Bill: "Everything my insurance will pay for."

    Nurse: "Bill, I'm going to take your blood pressure now." Bill: "Okay, just make sure you put it back, I'm not done using it yet."

    My wife: "Dad, what would you like Santa to bring you this year." Bill: "Let's make sure I live that long before you make any big plans." (5 seconds later) "I did explain that Santa's not real didn't I?" (5 seconds later) "I need to get my car serviced before winter sets in." My wife: "Dad you don't have a car anymore." Bill: "Okay, better scratch that off the list."
    My Mom has dementia, this is a good way to deal with this awful illness. The day of the SB terror attack, she came out and told me about it, and I didn't believe her until way later in the day when I was able to see the news. I do have to say she is funnier than ever, and luckily hasn't reached the aggressive stage. I try to keep things ultra light, because not only does she have dementia but also has a colostomy, so as I'm going through that process I always make it as funny as that can possibly be.

    Best of luck to you guys Forster.
    2016 SC Heckler R build
    2014 All City Macho Man Disc
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    Giggity!

  51. #51
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    Quote Originally Posted by jcd46 View Post
    My Mom has dementia, this is a good way to deal with this awful illness. The day of the SB terror attack, she came out and told me about it, and I didn't believe her until way later in the day when I was able to see the news. I do have to say she is funnier than ever, and luckily hasn't reached the aggressive stage. I try to keep things ultra light, because not only does she have dementia but also has a colostomy, so as I'm going through that process I always make it as funny as that can possibly be.

    Best of luck to you guys Forster.
    We're extremely fortunate. One of our good friend's step-father became agressive and angry and his wife ended up divorcing him (there were children on both sides from previous lives, his sons decided to side with him even though he wasn't making any sense). He would strike her then call the police and report her for abusing him (pretty hard to believe given her tiny size and being 87). When she tried to have him moved to assisted living in a memory unit the son's stepped in and forced her to move out. She divorced him and moved in with one of her daughters. Her son's still contend that she ran off with his money (because that's what he claims). It's a really tough illness to deal with, but like I said, we're among the lucky for sure.
    The most expensive bike in the world is still cheaper than the cheapest open heart surgery.

  52. #52
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    Unreal story, but I'm glad you guys are on the lucky side. OK sorry back to funny stuff
    2016 SC Heckler R build
    2014 All City Macho Man Disc
    Nashbar 29er (Rigid)

    Giggity!

  53. #53
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    A professor stood before his philosophy class and had some items in front of him. When the class began, he wordlessly picked up a very large and empty mayonnaise jar and proceeded to fill it with golf balls. He then asked the students if the jar was full. They agreed that it was.

    The professor then picked up a box of pebbles and poured them into the jar. He shook the jar lightly. The pebbles roll
    ed into the open areas between the golf balls. He then asked the students again if the jar was full. They agreed it was.
    The professor next picked up a box of sand and poured it into the jar. Of course, the sand filled up everything else. He asked once more if the jar was full.. The students responded with a unanimous ‘yes.’

    The professor then produced two Beers from under the table and poured the entire contents into the jar effectively filling the empty space between the sand.The students laughed...

    "Now," said the professor as the laughter subsided, "I want you to recognize that this jar represents your life. The golf balls are the important thing...your family, your children, your health, your friends and your favorite passions; and if everything else was lost and only they remained, your life would still be full. The pebbles are the other things that matter like your job, your house and your car... The sand is everything else—-the small stuff".

    "If you put the sand into the jar first,’ he continued, ‘there is no room for the pebbles or the golf balls. The same goes for life.
    If you spend all your time and energy on the small stuff you will never have room for the things that are important to you.
    Pay attention to the things that are critical to your happiness...
    Spend time with your children. Spend time with your parents. Visit with grandparents. Take your spouse out to dinner. Ride your bike. There will always be time to clean the house and mow the lawn.
    Take care of the golf balls first—-the things that really matter. Set your priorities. The rest is just sand"

    One of the students raised her hand and inquired what the Beer represented. The professor smiled and said, "I’m glad you asked. The Beer just shows you that no matter how full your life may seem, there’s always room for a couple of Beers with a friend".
    F*ck Cancer

    Eat your veggies

  54. #54
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    F*ck Cancer

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  55. #55
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    Quote Originally Posted by cyclelicious View Post
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    And every one of those words will be used to convict you.

  56. #56
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    Quote Originally Posted by cyclelicious View Post
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    Married 25 years on the 31st and dated 8 years before that and I still hear about stuff that I did wrong when we dated. Ugh.
    The most expensive bike in the world is still cheaper than the cheapest open heart surgery.

  57. #57
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    I went into our local gun shop to buy some shotgun shells yesterday. The clerk said "Strip down and face left." Knowing that Obama is tightening up gun control rules I complied with her instructions. After a few tense moments and some yelling, I'm now fully aware that they have a new credit card machine and that I can no longer go within 300' of the store's front door.
    The most expensive bike in the world is still cheaper than the cheapest open heart surgery.

  58. #58
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    F*ck Cancer

    Eat your veggies

  59. #59
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    An 80 year old couple goes to the doctor and tell him they wanna have kids. The doctor says it's not possible at their advanced age. They disagree saying they have read about it & they want to try. So the doctor gives them a jar & says to go home and fill it. They bring the jar back at their next appointment and it is empty. The man says "Doc, I tried my left hand. I tried my right hand. Heck the wife even tried her mouth. But we can't get the lid off"!
    F*ck Cancer

    Eat your veggies

  60. #60
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    One Sunday morning, everyone in a bright, beautiful, tiny town got up early and went to the local church. Before the services started, the townspeople were sitting in their pews and talking about their lives, their families, etc.

    Suddenly, Satan appeared at the front of the church. Everyone started screaming and running for the front entrance, trampling each other in a frantic effort to get away from evil incarnate.

    Soon everyone was evacuated from the church, except for one elderly gentleman who sat calmly in his pew, not moving, seemingly oblivious to the fact that God's ultimate enemy was in his presence. Now this confused Satan a bit, so he walked up to the man and said, "Don't you know who I am?"

    The man replied, "Yep, sure do."

    Satan asked, "Aren't you afraid of me?"

    "Nope, sure ain't," said the man.

    Satan was a little perturbed at this and queried, "Why aren't you afraid of me?"

    The man calmly replied, "Been married to your sister for over 48 years."
    F*ck Cancer

    Eat your veggies

  61. #61
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    ^^That joke is funnier the longer you've been married.^^ No complaints here, just celebrated our 25th yesterday.

    Related story: My dad was at one point a lay minister in our church. As he got older his attendance became more sporadic. The minister noting that one Sunday, suggested that his presence was important to the members of the church. My dad replied that the most important presence in our church was Jesus and that he too only attended in spirit. We were pretty small and my brother thought it was a joke so he started laughing. I never really felt comfortable in conversation with that minister again.
    The most expensive bike in the world is still cheaper than the cheapest open heart surgery.

  62. #62
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    50+ Joke Thread-12661869_10153897569449882_6346928448017419822_n.jpg

    Disclaimer: This is not me. I just got new grips and I'm tickled pink
    F*ck Cancer

    Eat your veggies

  63. #63
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    Quote Originally Posted by cyclelicious View Post
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    Disclaimer: This is not me. I just got new grips and I'm tickled pink
    Oh common now. Girls are born pink.
    Communist Party Member Since 1917.

  64. #64
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    Quote Originally Posted by Zomby Woof (MCM700) View Post
    Those were good, especially the last one.
    Fixt.
    "I can almost smell the alcohol oozing from that post."

    mtnbkrmike

    A global map of winds. Pretty cool.

  65. #65
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    Thanks for this one Chuck

    50+ Joke Thread-12724857_1691455647779733_186424676_n.jpg
    F*ck Cancer

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  66. #66
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    The first is mostly true, the second (for me) is wishing my wife hadn't made plans and my back always hurts so there's not much to wonder about. I like it.
    The most expensive bike in the world is still cheaper than the cheapest open heart surgery.

  67. #67
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    I was at the ATM the other day paying bills when this old lady walks up and asks me to help her check her balance, so I pushed her.
    F*ck Cancer

    Eat your veggies

  68. #68
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    Quote Originally Posted by cyclelicious View Post
    i was at the atm the other day paying bills when this old lady walks up and asks me to help her check her balance, so i pushed her.
    lol.
    Communist Party Member Since 1917.

  69. #69
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    50+ Joke Thread-12647025_10207351334914664_5971969892404742171_n.jpg
    F*ck Cancer

    Eat your veggies

  70. #70
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    ^^^^^^ True!


    I think the Colonoscopy thread and this one should be merged.
    One gear for all, 'cus one is all you need.

  71. #71
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    Why did I cross the road????

  72. #72
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    We were watching "Fury" last night and my wife asks my son "Doesn't your dad look a little like Brad Pitt in this movie?" (For the record, I've no idea what she's talking about) My son responded "Maybe like a really old Brad Pitt who had a tough childhood." So I point out that I'm only a year older than Brad and my son says "That must have been a really bad year or a really tough childhood dad."
    The most expensive bike in the world is still cheaper than the cheapest open heart surgery.

  73. #73
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    An old geezer became very bored in retirement and decided to open a medical clinic.
    He put a sign up outside that said: "Dr. Geezer's clinic. Get your treatment for $500, if
    not cured, get back $1,000."
    Doctor "Young," who was positive that this old geezer didn't know beans about medicine,
    thought this would be a great opportunity to get $1,000. So he went to Dr. Geezer's clinic.

    Dr. Young: "Dr. Geezer, I have lost all taste in my mouth. Can you please help me ??"
    Dr. Geezer: "Nurse, please bring medicine from box 22 and put 3 drops in Dr. Young's mouth."
    Dr. Young: Aaagh !! -- "This is Gasoline!"
    Dr. Geezer: "Congratulations!
    You've got your taste back. That will be $500.

    Dr. Young gets annoyed and goes back after a couple of days figuring to recover his money.

    Dr. Young: "I have lost my memory, I cannot remember anything."
    Dr. Geezer: "Nurse, please bring medicine from box 22 and put 3 drops in the patient's mouth."
    Dr. Young: "Oh, no you don't, -- that is Gasoline!"
    Dr. Geezer: "Congratulations! You've got your memory back . That will be $500."

    Dr. Young (after having lost $1000) leaves angrily and comes back after several more days.

    Dr. Young: "My eyesight has become weak --- I can hardly see anything!!!!"
    Dr. Geezer: "Well, I don't have any medicine for that so,
    " Here's your $1000 back." (giving him a $10 bill)
    Dr. Young: "But this is only $10!"
    Dr. Geezer: "Congratulations! You got your vision back! That will be $500."

    Moral of story -- Just because you're "Young" doesn't mean that you can outsmart
    an "old Geezer"
    One gear for all, 'cus one is all you need.

  74. #74
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    Quote Originally Posted by Forster View Post
    Married 25 years on the 31st and dated 8 years before that and I still hear about stuff that I did wrong when we dated. Ugh.
    My wife has a selective memory, she only selects the things she wants to remember. Fortunatley I never make a mistake, I know this because cuz she rarely mentions them later

  75. #75
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    Quote Originally Posted by DIRTJUNKIE View Post
    I can vouch personally that it's not.

    Nor is a Pontiac Fiero or a 240Z or a Corvette, need I go on?
    Sex in a car, dude, that's why we all got real jobs, so we got the money to get a room!

  76. #76
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    Q. What do you call a blond who dies her hair black? A. Artificial intelligence

  77. #77
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    Would you trust this weatherman?

    50+ Joke Thread-768ce0b6-6efc-42ef-9404-e056c11c250d_tablet.jpg
    F*ck Cancer

    Eat your veggies

  78. #78
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    Quote Originally Posted by cyclelicious View Post
    Would you trust this weatherman?
    Pirates day?

  79. #79
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    50+ Joke Thread-old-people-cellphones.jpg
    F*ck Cancer

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  80. #80
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    50+ Joke Thread-funny-men-die-stubbornness-sign-no-we-wont-pics.jpg
    F*ck Cancer

    Eat your veggies

  81. #81
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    Liked this from FB today
    Attached Images Attached Images  
    2016 SC Heckler R build
    2014 All City Macho Man Disc
    Nashbar 29er (Rigid)

    Giggity!

  82. #82
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    Quote Originally Posted by cyclelicious View Post
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    People underestimate the power of stubbornness. They think we all got stubborn because we got old. In fact, we got old because we were too stubborn to die younger.
    The most expensive bike in the world is still cheaper than the cheapest open heart surgery.

  83. #83
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    F*ck Cancer

    Eat your veggies

  84. #84
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    The old country rube took his family on the first trip to the big city. Never seen any building taller than 2 stories before. The old man and his son were standing in front of two big shiny metal doors that slid sideways open and closed, and exposed a little room right behind them. Above the doors were numbers that lit up 1-2-3-4-5 etc, then counted back down 5-4-3-2-1. The doors reopened and some people came out of the little room. This fascinated the man and his son. After a while an elderly unattractive woman stood in front of the doors, pushed a button. The doors slid opened and she entered the little room, and the doors closed behind her. The numbers light up 1-2-3-4-5, paused a few minutes, and then numbers went 5-4-3-2-1. The doors reopened and an attractive young woman walked out.
    Then the man turned to his son and said "Boy, go get your mother."
    So many trails... so little time...

  85. #85
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    An old man is sitting reading in bed while his wife is getting undressed. She pauses to look in the mirror and says 'Look at me? My hair is grey, I'm fat, my skin is wrinkly, my boobs are saggy and my teeth are rotten. For goodness sake, will you say something nice about me?' and her husband replies 'Well your eyesight is perfect'.

  86. #86
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    Three guys were sitting in a biker bar.

    A man came in, already drunk, sat down at the bar and ordered a drink. The man looked around and saw the 3 men sitting at a corner table. He got up, staggered to the table, leaned over, looked the biggest one in the face and said, "I went by your grandma's house and I saw her in the hallway, buck naked. Man, she is fine!"

    The biker looked at him and didn't say a word. His buddies were confused,because he was a bad ass, and would fight at he drop of a hat. The drunk leaned on the table again and said, "I got it on with your grandma and she is good, the best I ever had!"

    The biker still said nothing. His buddies were starting to get mad. The drunk leaned on the table again and said, "I'll tell you something else boy, your grandma liked it!"

    The biker stood up, took the drunk by the shoulder and said, "Damn it, Grandpa, you're drunk! Go home!"
    F*ck Cancer

    Eat your veggies

  87. #87
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    F*ck Cancer

    Eat your veggies

  88. #88
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    Old Mr Davidson is feeling lonely and a bit horny since his wife died, so he decides to give one of these prostitute women a try. Asking around in the seedy side of town, he soon finds himself in the lobby of a run-down brothel.

    He explains to the Madam at the desk why he's there and she gives him a run-down of the girl's rates. In shock Mr Davidson says "Oh no, I can't afford that" and the madam ask him how much he can afford. Sniffing at his miserly reply she tells him that he might be in luck as they let an old retired prostitute live in the attic and she might oblige him.

    So he climbs the stairs, knocks on the dusty door to the attic and is met by old Betsy who motions him to sit on the bed. He watches quietly as she removes her wig and puts in on the dresser. Then she takes her teeth out and drops then into a large glass. Next she sits on the stool and unscrews her wooden leg!

    Straightening herself up she says to her guest "Would you like to have a feel of my breast?" and Mr Davidson replies "Sure, chuck it over".

  89. #89
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    As company is leaving a man's 50th birthday party his wife turns to him and says "For your 50th I thought we'd try some new positions to spice things up." The man replies "Fantastic, I can't wait to get started." To which the wife replies "Okay, you go position yourself between the dishwasher and the sink, and I'll try drinking a beer on the sofa."
    The most expensive bike in the world is still cheaper than the cheapest open heart surgery.

  90. #90
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    F*ck Cancer

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  91. #91
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    Quote Originally Posted by cyclelicious View Post
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    That is true! Totally true.

  92. #92
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    An older couple is discussing their retirement plans when the wife says "If you die before me I don't think I'll remarry. Instead, since I'm more active than most women my age, I think I'll look for a couple of younger single or widowed women to share a house with." To which the husband replied "That's my plan too!"
    The most expensive bike in the world is still cheaper than the cheapest open heart surgery.

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    Some interesting entertainment before dinner.

    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yBJEP4lsRFY

  94. #94
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    Quote Originally Posted by Tribble Me View Post
    Some interesting entertainment before dinner.

    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yBJEP4lsRFY
    Brilliant :0)

  95. #95
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    The three stages of a married man's sex life:
    Newlywed -- tri-weekly
    married with kids -- try weekly
    age 70 -- try weakly.
    So many trails... so little time...

  96. #96
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    Quote Originally Posted by Tribble Me View Post
    Some interesting entertainment before dinner.

    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yBJEP4lsRFY
    cool!
    F*ck Cancer

    Eat your veggies

  97. #97
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    F*ck Cancer

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  98. #98
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    Lmao!^
    Communist Party Member Since 1917.

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    AS I AGE, I REALIZE THAT:

    1. I talk to myself, because sometimes I need expert advice.

    2. Sometimes I roll my eyes out loud.

    3. I don't need anger management. I need people to stop pissing me off.

    4. My people skills are just fine. It's my tolerance of idiots that needs work.

    5. The biggest lie I tell myself is "I don't need to write that down, I'll remember it."

    6. When I was a child I thought nap time was punishment. Now it's like a mini vacation.

    7. The day the world runs out of wine is just too terrible to think about.

    8. Even duct tape can't fix stupid, but it can muffle the sound.

    9. Wouldn't it be great if we could put ourselves in the dryer for ten minutes; come out wrinkle-free and three sizes smaller.

    10. If God wanted me to touch my toes, he would've put them on my knees.

    11. When the kids text me "plz" which is shorter than please. I text back "no" which is shorter than "yes".

    12. At my age "Getting lucky" means walking into a room and remembering what I came in there for.

  100. #100
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    Happy Caturday

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    F*ck Cancer

    Eat your veggies

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