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Thread: 50+ Joke Thread

  1. #701
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    Quote Originally Posted by 2old View Post
    Be like the bozo....

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    Neg rep. Not an old people joke.


    To help you out, it goes something like this:

    Although my mom is only in her early 50's, she has bounced back from cancer, heart problems, and even a stroke. Through it all, she and my dad have kept their sense of humor. One day my mom, seeing some stupid thing on TV said, "You know what kills me ... ?" My dad interrupted quickly and said "Apparently nothing.
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  2. #702
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    Hear the one about the tool that gives neg rep.....

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  3. #703
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    Quote Originally Posted by Vespasianus View Post

    Although my mom is only in her early 50's, she has bounced back from cancer, heart problems, and even a stroke. Through it all, she and my dad have kept their sense of humor. One day my mom, seeing some stupid thing on TV said, "You know what kills me ... ?" My dad interrupted quickly and said "Apparently nothing.
    Heh, reminds me of the conversation Anne and I had the other night. She's spending an increasing and frustrating amount of time helping/dealing with her increasingly decrepit 94 year old mother. We're childless and she lamented to me that there would be no-one to take care of her. I said, oh, I'll be around. I can tuck you in, you know-comforter up to your chin...pillow over your face." Cracked her up.

    Quote Originally Posted by 2old View Post
    Hear the one about the tool that gives neg rep.....
    You earned it.

  4. #704
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    Quote Originally Posted by SteveF View Post
    You earned it.
    Just so I'm clear on the rules of my thread (because they're new to me), if you post anything about Kaepernick or any discussion about any comment someone else made - you get neg rep. If you list any other thing you found humorous but it doesn't have to do with Kaepernick, that's apparently okay (because that's happened and they didn't piss off Steve or Vespa and get neg rep'd). And if you reply to someone's non-joke comment about someone's humor they didn't find funny they get neg rep. Okay. I got the rules of my thread now. Thanks for the clarification.

  5. #705
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    50+ Joke Thread-untitled-attachment-00044.jpg

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    50+ Joke Thread-image005-1.jpg

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  8. #708
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    Quote Originally Posted by Forster View Post
    Just so I'm clear on the rules of my thread (because they're new to me), if you post anything about Kaepernick or any discussion about any comment someone else made - you get neg rep. If you list any other thing you found humorous but it doesn't have to do with Kaepernick, that's apparently okay (because that's happened and they didn't piss off Steve or Vespa and get neg rep'd). And if you reply to someone's non-joke comment about someone's humor they didn't find funny they get neg rep. Okay. I got the rules of my thread now. Thanks for the clarification.
    It is not that complicated. Old people jokes (50 + Joke thread). That is it. Make a joke about being old.

    For example,

    There are four stages to old age. You forget names. You forget faces. You forget to zip up. You forget to zip down.
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  9. #709
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    Quote Originally Posted by Forster View Post
    Just so I'm clear on the rules of my thread (because they're new to me), if you post anything about Kaepernick or any discussion about any comment someone else made - you get neg rep. If you list any other thing you found humorous but it doesn't have to do with Kaepernick, that's apparently okay (because that's happened and they didn't piss off Steve or Vespa and get neg rep'd). And if you reply to someone's non-joke comment about someone's humor they didn't find funny they get neg rep. Okay. I got the rules of my thread now. Thanks for the clarification.
    As I don't see a joke here, especially not one about old people, I think you are due neg-rep for this post. Perhaps the self-appointed judiciary could deal with that? Then neg-rep me for this one? Then neg-rep themselves for being dicks?

  10. #710
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    Quote Originally Posted by Mr Pig View Post
    As I don't see a joke here, especially not one about old people, I think you are due neg-rep for this post. Perhaps the self-appointed judiciary could deal with that? Then neg-rep me for this one? Then neg-rep themselves for being dicks?
    Sure, why not. I was neg rep'd for suggesting that people have a right to think something is funny even when someone else does not. I served 33 years in the military (26 active duty), pretty sure I've earned the right to defend the first amendment for people with viewpoints different than my own, or Steve's or Vespa's, and the rules of the forum don't prohibit jokes not consistant with the OPs thread title. I've asked the moderators to kill the entire thread as it's in a death spiral anyway.

  11. #711
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    Quote Originally Posted by Vespasianus View Post
    Neg rep. Not an old people joke.


    To help you out, it goes something like this:

    Although my mom is only in her early 50's, she has bounced back from cancer, heart problems, and even a stroke. Through it all, she and my dad have kept their sense of humor. One day my mom, seeing some stupid thing on TV said, "You know what kills me ... ?" My dad interrupted quickly and said "Apparently nothing.
    Quote Originally Posted by 2old View Post
    Hear the one about the tool that gives neg rep.....

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    Quote Originally Posted by Forster View Post
    Sure, why not. I was neg rep'd for suggesting that people have a right to think something is funny even when someone else does not. I served 33 years in the military (26 active duty), pretty sure I've earned the right to defend the first amendment for people with viewpoints different than my own, or Steve's or Vespa's, and the rules of the forum don't prohibit jokes not consistant with the OPs thread title. I've asked the moderators to kill the entire thread as it's in a death spiral anyway.
    Hey all I did was respond to a point Mr Pig made-I didn't reference the first or 2nd joke directly and I didn't neg rep anyone. (not 2old or even the person that neg rep'd me) It's a 50+ joke thread, which seems to be interpreted to mean jokes about being old, right? There's several threads in Off Camber where non-age related stuff can be put. And responses can be made without such a big fuss.

    Also, "I used to worry about getting senile but now I don't remember why." lol.

  12. #712
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    Also:

    50+ Joke Thread-14222087_10157435836275173_1015144233520736837_n.jpg

  13. #713
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    Quote Originally Posted by SteveF View Post
    Hey all I did was respond to a point Mr Pig made-I didn't reference the first or 2nd joke directly and I didn't neg rep anyone. (not 2old or even the person that neg rep'd me) It's a 50+ joke thread, which seems to be interpreted to mean jokes about being old, right? There's several threads in Off Camber where non-age related stuff can be put. And responses can be made without such a big fuss.

    Also, "I used to worry about getting senile but now I don't remember why." lol.
    Most (if not all) threads jump off topic. I have never seen someone neg rep'd for mentiioning meat in the vegan thread, non-Fargo bikes in the Fargo thread or fire extinguishers in any thread. To me, this appears to be less about the thread topic and more about the Kaepernick issue. I get it, there are two viewpoints that compete and people are passionate about it. I don't neg rep because someone is on the other side of an issue from me or because someone tries to moderate a discussion that is heading toward the crapper, but if that's your thing I'll find some place else to spend my time. Rant over, neg rep at will. FC has my request to terminate my account so it doesn't matter to me either way.

  14. #714
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    Quote Originally Posted by Forster View Post
    I don't neg rep because someone is on the other side of an issue from me...
    You're probably not a liberal?

  15. #715
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    Quote Originally Posted by Forster View Post
    Just so I'm clear on the rules of my thread (because they're new to me), if you post anything about Kaepernick or any discussion about any comment someone else made - you get neg rep. If you list any other thing you found humorous but it doesn't have to do with Kaepernick, that's apparently okay (because that's happened and they didn't piss off Steve or Vespa and get neg rep'd). And if you reply to someone's non-joke comment about someone's humor they didn't find funny they get neg rep. Okay. I got the rules of my thread now. Thanks for the clarification.
    The "rule", enforced by the mods when they think thread is getting nasty, is to close the thread. Politics, guns - any controversial matter - tend to get nasty.

    Kaepernick is controversial. People have strong feelings about him and his protests. So in effort to keep this thread open, let's stay away from posts that are overtly political or controversial. No rancor, no axe grinding. It's supposed to be about jokes and humor. Let's keep it light.
    Use it, use it, use it while you still have it.

  16. #716
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    ^way to take it to the next level Mr. Pig! Heard any good derogatory jokes lately?
    I brake for stinkbugs

  17. #717
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    Quote Originally Posted by J.B. Weld View Post
    Mr. Pig! Heard any good derogatory jokes lately?
    Well, we could say what we like about blind people?

  18. #718
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    Quote Originally Posted by Mr Pig View Post
    Well, we could say what we like about blind people?
    If they are over 50, bring it.


    From Joan Rivers:

    Talk about getting old. I was getting dressed and a peeping tom looked in the window. He took a took a look and pulled down the shade.
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  19. #719
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    To get this back on track here are some vintage jokes culled from the back of my then teenage son's homework book around 1990.

    What's the Australian version of foreplay?
    You awake, dear?

    Kiwi foreplay - Here ewe, ewe, ewe

    What would it take to get the Beatles back together?
    Three more bullets. (Two now)

    Why do farts smell?
    So deaf people can enjoy them too.

    Why was booze invented?
    So ugly people could get laid.

    What's the difference between broccoli and snot?
    Kids won't eat broccoli.

    What do you call an Spaniard without a car?
    Carlost.

    What's black & crispy and comes on a stick?
    Joan of Arc.

    What's the definition of revolting?
    Waking up in the morning with a lump in your throat and a string between your teeth.

    What do you call 3 lepers in a spa pool?
    Soup.

    How do you paralyse a woman from the waist down?
    Marry her!

    What does a woman do with her arsehole in the morning?
    A: Packs his lunch and sends him to work.

    Those are bad enough, there's others I'm not putting in here.
    As little bike as possible, as silent as possible.
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  20. #720
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    Quote Originally Posted by Mr Pig View Post
    You're probably not a liberal?
    You want to knock it off!? There's plenty of judgemental people on both ends of the political spectrum.

  21. #721
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    Quote Originally Posted by Velobike View Post
    Those are bad enough.

    I agree, the third one's particularly horrid. Dang.
    I brake for stinkbugs

  22. #722
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    Quote Originally Posted by Mr Pig View Post
    Well, we could say what we like about blind people?
    Since I'm blind in one eye, can I give you 1/2 rep?

  23. #723
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    As old as time....

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  24. #724
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    Looks folks, this whole things is a serious downer.

    The Joke thread is one of my favorites on MTBR. What I like most about this thread is that over the years it has been mostly void of politics, personality conflicts, and garbage; the rest of MTBR is not so good at filtering that stuff out.

    So how about this: STOP IT!

    Seriously, no more posting this stuff, no more neg reps, avoid escalating this stuff and allow the Joke thread to be a joke thread.

    Thank you.
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  25. #725
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    They may be bad, but bad can be good.

    I am an avid player of Cards Against Humanity.

    Bring it!

    Quote Originally Posted by Velobike View Post
    ... Those are bad enough, there's others I'm not putting in here.
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  26. #726
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    ^^Thank you!

    @Forster, I hope you stick around! Ignore the BS
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  27. #727
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    Pretty sad that a thread about jokes goes off the deep end with angry defensive posting. Get back on track soldiers and give me twenty.

    Quote Originally Posted by mileslong View Post
    I passionately remove rocks and corners and other stuff I find too hard to ride.

  28. #728
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    This thread is fighting for it's life. If you can't be "funny" without grinding your political axe, just keep it to yourself.

    Not talking about you DJ
    Use it, use it, use it while you still have it.

  29. #729
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    Quote Originally Posted by Mr Pig View Post
    You're probably not a liberal?
    Of course he's not, a liberal would laugh it off. A conservative will say whatever he wants and when he gets called out, complain, blame everyone else then cry to FC.
    I'm sick of all the Irish stereotypes, as soon as I finish this beer I"m punching someone

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    Maybe some of you missed this: Announcement: Mtbr has a new owner!
    Quote Originally Posted by mileslong View Post
    I passionately remove rocks and corners and other stuff I find too hard to ride.

  31. #731
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    Quote Originally Posted by DIRTJUNKIE View Post
    Maybe some of you missed this: Announcement: Mtbr has a new owner!

  32. #732
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    My son asked his grandfather about the best thing about being a grandfather. He said the early bird dinner specials with grandma. So he then asked him what the worst thing about being grandfather and he said it was being forced to have sex with grandma after dinner.
    On MTBR, the reputation is infamous.

  33. #733
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    Quote Originally Posted by 2old View Post
    As old as time....[

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    So dumb. You could literally replace Democrats with any other word and the joke is exactly to the same.

    How many 2olds does it take to fix a problem?
    Nobody knows blah blah blah

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  34. #734
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    50+ Joke Thread-5a2b999d-f7ed-4fc8-a842-491041f2846b.jpeg
    Quote Originally Posted by mileslong View Post
    I passionately remove rocks and corners and other stuff I find too hard to ride.

  35. #735
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    Quote Originally Posted by DIRTJUNKIE View Post
    Click image for larger version. 

Name:	5A2B999D-F7ED-4FC8-A842-491041F2846B.jpeg 
Views:	38 
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ID:	1216341

    Holy crap. That is funny and scary at the same time. I love the fact that the old guy has two different colors of shoes on!

    Reminds me of this:

    Name:  2995039-Jimmy-Carr-Quote-The-reason-old-man-use-Viagra-is-not-that-they.jpg
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  36. #736
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    Probably because of gout or some other malady, he can't wear a shoe on that foot, thus the slipper and cane. A realistic touch.
    Use it, use it, use it while you still have it.

  37. #737
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    Quote Originally Posted by Gasp4Air View Post
    A realistic touch.
    Altogether too realistic if you ask me :0(

  38. #738
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    Quote Originally Posted by Mr Pig View Post
    Altogether too realistic if you ask me :0(
    Yeah, like they say, getting old ain't for sissies.
    Use it, use it, use it while you still have it.

  39. #739
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    50+ Joke Thread-41682256_295826724564540_8787684004523409408_n.jpg
    F*ck Cancer

    Eat your veggies

  40. #740
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    Haha^^
    I like turtles

  41. #741
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    50+ Joke Thread-42044293_10217453465718702_6163516973020872704_n.jpg
    F*ck Cancer

    Eat your veggies

  42. #742
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    Sure this has been posted, but....

    Sent from my SM-G930V using Tapatalk

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    50+ Joke Thread-42218098_2161347943877939_4717884324681089024_n.jpg
    F*ck Cancer

    Eat your veggies

  44. #744
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    Lmao!^^
    I like turtles

  45. #745
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    You are in the middle of a few projects at your home: putting in a new fence, painting the basement walls, putting in a new garden. You are hot and sweaty, covered in dust, lawn clippings, dirt and paint. You have your old work clothes on. You know the outfit -- shorts with the hole in the crotch, old T-shirt with a stain from who-knows-what, and an old pair of tennis shoes.

    Right in the middle of these projects you realize you need to run to Home Depot for supplies. Depending on your age you might do the following:

    In your 20s:
    Stop what you are doing. Shave, take a shower, blow dry your hair, brush your teeth, floss and put on clean clothes. Check yourself in the mirror and flex. Add a dab of your favorite cologne because, you never know, you just might meet some hot chick while standing in the checkout line. And yes, you went to school with the pretty girl running the register.

    In your 30s:
    Stop what you are doing, put on clean shorts and shirt. Change your shoes. You married the hot chick so no need for much else. Wash your hands and comb your hair. Check yourself in the mirror. Still got it. Add a shot of your favorite cologne to cover the smell. The cute girl running the register is the kid sister to someone you went to school with.

    In your 40s:
    Stop what you are doing. Put on a sweatshirt that is long enough to cover the hole in the crotch of your shorts. Put on different shoes and a hat. Wash your hands. Your bottle of Brute is almost empty, so don't waste any of it on a trip to Home Depot. Check yourself in the mirror and do more sucking in than flexing.

    The hot young thing running the register is your daughter's age and you feel weird about thinking she's spicy.

    In your 50s:
    Stop what you are doing. Put on a hat. Wipe the dirt off your hands onto your shirt. Change shoes because you don't want to get dog crap in your new sports car.

    Check yourself in the mirror and swear not to wear that shirt anymore
    because it makes you look fat.

    The cutie running the register smiles when she sees you coming and you think you still have it. Then you remember -- the hat you have on is from Bubba's Bait & Beer Bar and it says, 'I Got Worms'.

    In your 60s:
    Stop what you are doing. No need for a hat any more. Hose the dog crap off your shoes. The mirror was shattered when you were in your 50s. You hope you have underwear on so nothing hangs out the hole in your pants.

    The girl running the register may be cute but you don't have your glasses on, so you're not sure.

    In your 70s:
    Stop what you are doing. Wait to go to Home Depot until the drug store has your prescriptions ready too. Don't even notice the dog crap on your shoes. The young thing at the register stares at you and you realize your balls are hanging out the hole in your crotch.

    In your 80s:
    Stop what you are doing. Start again. Then stop again. Now you remember you need to go to Home Depot. Go to Wal-Mart instead. You went to school with the old lady greeter.

    You wander around trying to remember what you are looking for. Then you fart out loud and think someone called your name.

    In your 90s & beyond:

    What's a home deep hoe? Something for my garden? Where am I? Who am I? Why am I reading this? Did I send it? Did you? Who farted?

  46. #746
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    My mouth hurts from grinning, that ^ is some true stuff, skip the cologne, but check on the shirt, shorts, and shoes.

    I rarely change when I go to the home, just brush off the big chunks.
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  47. #747
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    Quote Originally Posted by Tribble Me View Post
    ...In your 60s:
    Stop what you are doing. No need for a hat any more. Hose the dog crap off your shoes. The mirror was shattered when you were in your 50s. You hope you have underwear on so nothing hangs out the hole in your pants.

    The girl running the register may be cute but you don't have your glasses on, so you're not sure.

    In your 70s:
    Stop what you are doing. Wait to go to Home Depot until the drug store has your prescriptions ready too. Don't even notice the dog crap on your shoes. The young thing at the register stares at you and you realize your balls are hanging out the hole in your crotch.
    ...
    This is the advantage of being a kilt wearing Highland Scot.

    Anything hanging out is assumed to be a hairy sporran. (But more than 2 tassels is boasting )
    As little bike as possible, as silent as possible.
    Latitude: 5736' Highlands, Scotland

  48. #748
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    ^ LOL @Tribble Me


    50+ Joke Thread-41943708_10157380256560021_596463956894154752_n.jpg


    I actually did find and buy a pair of shoes... and Rocket approved!

    50+ Joke Thread-42236118_2219113734999732_511308314626228224_n.jpg
    F*ck Cancer

    Eat your veggies

  49. #749
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    Although Rocket is bit like: " that human that feeds me has that bloody flashy thing again" *rolls eyes* "crazy humans, that's why we ignore them"
    always mad and usually drunk......

  50. #750
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    Hank is lying in bed in the hospital, wearing an oxygen mask over his mouth and nose. A young student nurse appears to give him a partial sponge bath. "Nurse," he mumbles from behind the mask, "Are my testicles black?" Embarrassed, the young nurse replies, "I don't know, sir. I'm only here to wash your upper body and feet."

    He struggles to ask again, "Nurse, please check for me. Are my testicles black?"

    Concerned that he might elevate his blood pressure and heart rate from worrying about his testicles, she overcomes her embarrassment and pulls back the covers. She raises his gown, holds his manhood in one hand and his testicles gently in the other. She looks very closely and says, "There's nothing wrong with them, sir. They look fine." The man slowly pulls off his oxygen mask, and says very slowly,

    "Thank you very much. That was wonderful. Now listen to me very, very closely:

    "Are my test results - back....!"

  51. #751
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    Walking on the Grass

    The room was full of pregnant women with their husbands.

    The instructor said, "Ladies, remember that exercise is good for you. Walking is especially beneficial. It strengthens the pelvic muscles and will make delivery that much easier. Just pace yourself, make plenty of stops and try to stay on a soft surface like grass."

    "Gentlemen, remember -- you're in this together. It wouldn't hurt you to go walking with her. In fact, that shared experience would be good for you both."

    The room suddenly became very quiet as the men absorbed this information. After a few moments a man, name unknown, at the back of the room, slowly raised his hand.

    "Yes?" said the Instructor.

    "I was just wondering if it would be all right, if she carries a golf bag while we walk?"

    This level of sensitivity can't be taught.

  52. #752
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    Time to get up

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