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Thread: 50+ Joke Thread

  1. #701
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    Quote Originally Posted by 2old View Post
    Be like the bozo....

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    Neg rep. Not an old people joke.


    To help you out, it goes something like this:

    Although my mom is only in her early 50's, she has bounced back from cancer, heart problems, and even a stroke. Through it all, she and my dad have kept their sense of humor. One day my mom, seeing some stupid thing on TV said, "You know what kills me ... ?" My dad interrupted quickly and said "Apparently nothing.
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  2. #702
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    Hear the one about the tool that gives neg rep.....

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  3. #703
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    Quote Originally Posted by Vespasianus View Post

    Although my mom is only in her early 50's, she has bounced back from cancer, heart problems, and even a stroke. Through it all, she and my dad have kept their sense of humor. One day my mom, seeing some stupid thing on TV said, "You know what kills me ... ?" My dad interrupted quickly and said "Apparently nothing.
    Heh, reminds me of the conversation Anne and I had the other night. She's spending an increasing and frustrating amount of time helping/dealing with her increasingly decrepit 94 year old mother. We're childless and she lamented to me that there would be no-one to take care of her. I said, oh, I'll be around. I can tuck you in, you know-comforter up to your chin...pillow over your face." Cracked her up.

    Quote Originally Posted by 2old View Post
    Hear the one about the tool that gives neg rep.....
    You earned it.

  4. #704
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    Quote Originally Posted by SteveF View Post
    You earned it.
    Just so I'm clear on the rules of my thread (because they're new to me), if you post anything about Kaepernick or any discussion about any comment someone else made - you get neg rep. If you list any other thing you found humorous but it doesn't have to do with Kaepernick, that's apparently okay (because that's happened and they didn't piss off Steve or Vespa and get neg rep'd). And if you reply to someone's non-joke comment about someone's humor they didn't find funny they get neg rep. Okay. I got the rules of my thread now. Thanks for the clarification.

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    50+ Joke Thread-untitled-attachment-00044.jpg

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  8. #708
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    Quote Originally Posted by Forster View Post
    Just so I'm clear on the rules of my thread (because they're new to me), if you post anything about Kaepernick or any discussion about any comment someone else made - you get neg rep. If you list any other thing you found humorous but it doesn't have to do with Kaepernick, that's apparently okay (because that's happened and they didn't piss off Steve or Vespa and get neg rep'd). And if you reply to someone's non-joke comment about someone's humor they didn't find funny they get neg rep. Okay. I got the rules of my thread now. Thanks for the clarification.
    It is not that complicated. Old people jokes (50 + Joke thread). That is it. Make a joke about being old.

    For example,

    There are four stages to old age. You forget names. You forget faces. You forget to zip up. You forget to zip down.
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  9. #709
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    Quote Originally Posted by Forster View Post
    Just so I'm clear on the rules of my thread (because they're new to me), if you post anything about Kaepernick or any discussion about any comment someone else made - you get neg rep. If you list any other thing you found humorous but it doesn't have to do with Kaepernick, that's apparently okay (because that's happened and they didn't piss off Steve or Vespa and get neg rep'd). And if you reply to someone's non-joke comment about someone's humor they didn't find funny they get neg rep. Okay. I got the rules of my thread now. Thanks for the clarification.
    As I don't see a joke here, especially not one about old people, I think you are due neg-rep for this post. Perhaps the self-appointed judiciary could deal with that? Then neg-rep me for this one? Then neg-rep themselves for being dicks?

  10. #710
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    Quote Originally Posted by Mr Pig View Post
    As I don't see a joke here, especially not one about old people, I think you are due neg-rep for this post. Perhaps the self-appointed judiciary could deal with that? Then neg-rep me for this one? Then neg-rep themselves for being dicks?
    Sure, why not. I was neg rep'd for suggesting that people have a right to think something is funny even when someone else does not. I served 33 years in the military (26 active duty), pretty sure I've earned the right to defend the first amendment for people with viewpoints different than my own, or Steve's or Vespa's, and the rules of the forum don't prohibit jokes not consistant with the OPs thread title. I've asked the moderators to kill the entire thread as it's in a death spiral anyway.

  11. #711
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    Quote Originally Posted by Vespasianus View Post
    Neg rep. Not an old people joke.


    To help you out, it goes something like this:

    Although my mom is only in her early 50's, she has bounced back from cancer, heart problems, and even a stroke. Through it all, she and my dad have kept their sense of humor. One day my mom, seeing some stupid thing on TV said, "You know what kills me ... ?" My dad interrupted quickly and said "Apparently nothing.
    Quote Originally Posted by 2old View Post
    Hear the one about the tool that gives neg rep.....

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    Quote Originally Posted by Forster View Post
    Sure, why not. I was neg rep'd for suggesting that people have a right to think something is funny even when someone else does not. I served 33 years in the military (26 active duty), pretty sure I've earned the right to defend the first amendment for people with viewpoints different than my own, or Steve's or Vespa's, and the rules of the forum don't prohibit jokes not consistant with the OPs thread title. I've asked the moderators to kill the entire thread as it's in a death spiral anyway.
    Hey all I did was respond to a point Mr Pig made-I didn't reference the first or 2nd joke directly and I didn't neg rep anyone. (not 2old or even the person that neg rep'd me) It's a 50+ joke thread, which seems to be interpreted to mean jokes about being old, right? There's several threads in Off Camber where non-age related stuff can be put. And responses can be made without such a big fuss.

    Also, "I used to worry about getting senile but now I don't remember why." lol.

  12. #712
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    Also:

    50+ Joke Thread-14222087_10157435836275173_1015144233520736837_n.jpg

  13. #713
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    Quote Originally Posted by SteveF View Post
    Hey all I did was respond to a point Mr Pig made-I didn't reference the first or 2nd joke directly and I didn't neg rep anyone. (not 2old or even the person that neg rep'd me) It's a 50+ joke thread, which seems to be interpreted to mean jokes about being old, right? There's several threads in Off Camber where non-age related stuff can be put. And responses can be made without such a big fuss.

    Also, "I used to worry about getting senile but now I don't remember why." lol.
    Most (if not all) threads jump off topic. I have never seen someone neg rep'd for mentiioning meat in the vegan thread, non-Fargo bikes in the Fargo thread or fire extinguishers in any thread. To me, this appears to be less about the thread topic and more about the Kaepernick issue. I get it, there are two viewpoints that compete and people are passionate about it. I don't neg rep because someone is on the other side of an issue from me or because someone tries to moderate a discussion that is heading toward the crapper, but if that's your thing I'll find some place else to spend my time. Rant over, neg rep at will. FC has my request to terminate my account so it doesn't matter to me either way.

  14. #714
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    Quote Originally Posted by Forster View Post
    I don't neg rep because someone is on the other side of an issue from me...
    You're probably not a liberal?

  15. #715
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    Quote Originally Posted by Forster View Post
    Just so I'm clear on the rules of my thread (because they're new to me), if you post anything about Kaepernick or any discussion about any comment someone else made - you get neg rep. If you list any other thing you found humorous but it doesn't have to do with Kaepernick, that's apparently okay (because that's happened and they didn't piss off Steve or Vespa and get neg rep'd). And if you reply to someone's non-joke comment about someone's humor they didn't find funny they get neg rep. Okay. I got the rules of my thread now. Thanks for the clarification.
    The "rule", enforced by the mods when they think thread is getting nasty, is to close the thread. Politics, guns - any controversial matter - tend to get nasty.

    Kaepernick is controversial. People have strong feelings about him and his protests. So in effort to keep this thread open, let's stay away from posts that are overtly political or controversial. No rancor, no axe grinding. It's supposed to be about jokes and humor. Let's keep it light.
    Use it, use it, use it while you still have it.

  16. #716
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    ^way to take it to the next level Mr. Pig! Heard any good derogatory jokes lately?
    I brake for stinkbugs

  17. #717
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    Quote Originally Posted by J.B. Weld View Post
    Mr. Pig! Heard any good derogatory jokes lately?
    Well, we could say what we like about blind people?

  18. #718
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    Quote Originally Posted by Mr Pig View Post
    Well, we could say what we like about blind people?
    If they are over 50, bring it.


    From Joan Rivers:

    Talk about getting old. I was getting dressed and a peeping tom looked in the window. He took a took a look and pulled down the shade.
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  19. #719
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    To get this back on track here are some vintage jokes culled from the back of my then teenage son's homework book around 1990.

    What's the Australian version of foreplay?
    You awake, dear?

    Kiwi foreplay - Here ewe, ewe, ewe

    What would it take to get the Beatles back together?
    Three more bullets. (Two now)

    Why do farts smell?
    So deaf people can enjoy them too.

    Why was booze invented?
    So ugly people could get laid.

    What's the difference between broccoli and snot?
    Kids won't eat broccoli.

    What do you call an Spaniard without a car?
    Carlost.

    What's black & crispy and comes on a stick?
    Joan of Arc.

    What's the definition of revolting?
    Waking up in the morning with a lump in your throat and a string between your teeth.

    What do you call 3 lepers in a spa pool?
    Soup.

    How do you paralyse a woman from the waist down?
    Marry her!

    What does a woman do with her arsehole in the morning?
    A: Packs his lunch and sends him to work.

    Those are bad enough, there's others I'm not putting in here.
    As little bike as possible, as silent as possible.
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  20. #720
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    Quote Originally Posted by Mr Pig View Post
    You're probably not a liberal?
    You want to knock it off!? There's plenty of judgemental people on both ends of the political spectrum.

  21. #721
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    Quote Originally Posted by Velobike View Post
    Those are bad enough.

    I agree, the third one's particularly horrid. Dang.
    I brake for stinkbugs

  22. #722
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    Quote Originally Posted by Mr Pig View Post
    Well, we could say what we like about blind people?
    Since I'm blind in one eye, can I give you 1/2 rep?

  23. #723
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    As old as time....

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  24. #724
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    Looks folks, this whole things is a serious downer.

    The Joke thread is one of my favorites on MTBR. What I like most about this thread is that over the years it has been mostly void of politics, personality conflicts, and garbage; the rest of MTBR is not so good at filtering that stuff out.

    So how about this: STOP IT!

    Seriously, no more posting this stuff, no more neg reps, avoid escalating this stuff and allow the Joke thread to be a joke thread.

    Thank you.
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  25. #725
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    They may be bad, but bad can be good.

    I am an avid player of Cards Against Humanity.

    Bring it!

    Quote Originally Posted by Velobike View Post
    ... Those are bad enough, there's others I'm not putting in here.
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  26. #726
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    ^^Thank you!

    @Forster, I hope you stick around! Ignore the BS
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  27. #727
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    Pretty sad that a thread about jokes goes off the deep end with angry defensive posting. Get back on track soldiers and give me twenty.

    Quote Originally Posted by mileslong View Post
    I passionately remove rocks and corners and other stuff I find too hard to ride.

  28. #728
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    This thread is fighting for it's life. If you can't be "funny" without grinding your political axe, just keep it to yourself.

    Not talking about you DJ
    Use it, use it, use it while you still have it.

  29. #729
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    Quote Originally Posted by Mr Pig View Post
    You're probably not a liberal?
    Of course he's not, a liberal would laugh it off. A conservative will say whatever he wants and when he gets called out, complain, blame everyone else then cry to FC.
    I'm sick of all the Irish stereotypes, as soon as I finish this beer I"m punching someone

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    Maybe some of you missed this: Announcement: Mtbr has a new owner!
    Quote Originally Posted by mileslong View Post
    I passionately remove rocks and corners and other stuff I find too hard to ride.

  31. #731
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    Quote Originally Posted by DIRTJUNKIE View Post
    Maybe some of you missed this: Announcement: Mtbr has a new owner!

  32. #732
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    My son asked his grandfather about the best thing about being a grandfather. He said the early bird dinner specials with grandma. So he then asked him what the worst thing about being grandfather and he said it was being forced to have sex with grandma after dinner.
    On MTBR, the reputation is infamous.

  33. #733
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    Quote Originally Posted by 2old View Post
    As old as time....[

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    So dumb. You could literally replace Democrats with any other word and the joke is exactly to the same.

    How many 2olds does it take to fix a problem?
    Nobody knows blah blah blah

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    50+ Joke Thread-5a2b999d-f7ed-4fc8-a842-491041f2846b.jpeg
    Quote Originally Posted by mileslong View Post
    I passionately remove rocks and corners and other stuff I find too hard to ride.

  35. #735
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    Quote Originally Posted by DIRTJUNKIE View Post
    Click image for larger version. 

Name:	5A2B999D-F7ED-4FC8-A842-491041F2846B.jpeg 
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ID:	1216341

    Holy crap. That is funny and scary at the same time. I love the fact that the old guy has two different colors of shoes on!

    Reminds me of this:

    Name:  2995039-Jimmy-Carr-Quote-The-reason-old-man-use-Viagra-is-not-that-they.jpg
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  36. #736
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    Probably because of gout or some other malady, he can't wear a shoe on that foot, thus the slipper and cane. A realistic touch.
    Use it, use it, use it while you still have it.

  37. #737
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    Quote Originally Posted by Gasp4Air View Post
    A realistic touch.
    Altogether too realistic if you ask me :0(

  38. #738
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    Quote Originally Posted by Mr Pig View Post
    Altogether too realistic if you ask me :0(
    Yeah, like they say, getting old ain't for sissies.
    Use it, use it, use it while you still have it.

  39. #739
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    50+ Joke Thread-41682256_295826724564540_8787684004523409408_n.jpg
    F*ck Cancer

    Eat your veggies

  40. #740
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    Haha^^
    I like turtles

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    50+ Joke Thread-42044293_10217453465718702_6163516973020872704_n.jpg
    F*ck Cancer

    Eat your veggies

  42. #742
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    Sure this has been posted, but....

    Sent from my SM-G930V using Tapatalk

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    50+ Joke Thread-42218098_2161347943877939_4717884324681089024_n.jpg
    F*ck Cancer

    Eat your veggies

  44. #744
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    Lmao!^^
    I like turtles

  45. #745
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    You are in the middle of a few projects at your home: putting in a new fence, painting the basement walls, putting in a new garden. You are hot and sweaty, covered in dust, lawn clippings, dirt and paint. You have your old work clothes on. You know the outfit -- shorts with the hole in the crotch, old T-shirt with a stain from who-knows-what, and an old pair of tennis shoes.

    Right in the middle of these projects you realize you need to run to Home Depot for supplies. Depending on your age you might do the following:

    In your 20s:
    Stop what you are doing. Shave, take a shower, blow dry your hair, brush your teeth, floss and put on clean clothes. Check yourself in the mirror and flex. Add a dab of your favorite cologne because, you never know, you just might meet some hot chick while standing in the checkout line. And yes, you went to school with the pretty girl running the register.

    In your 30s:
    Stop what you are doing, put on clean shorts and shirt. Change your shoes. You married the hot chick so no need for much else. Wash your hands and comb your hair. Check yourself in the mirror. Still got it. Add a shot of your favorite cologne to cover the smell. The cute girl running the register is the kid sister to someone you went to school with.

    In your 40s:
    Stop what you are doing. Put on a sweatshirt that is long enough to cover the hole in the crotch of your shorts. Put on different shoes and a hat. Wash your hands. Your bottle of Brute is almost empty, so don't waste any of it on a trip to Home Depot. Check yourself in the mirror and do more sucking in than flexing.

    The hot young thing running the register is your daughter's age and you feel weird about thinking she's spicy.

    In your 50s:
    Stop what you are doing. Put on a hat. Wipe the dirt off your hands onto your shirt. Change shoes because you don't want to get dog crap in your new sports car.

    Check yourself in the mirror and swear not to wear that shirt anymore
    because it makes you look fat.

    The cutie running the register smiles when she sees you coming and you think you still have it. Then you remember -- the hat you have on is from Bubba's Bait & Beer Bar and it says, 'I Got Worms'.

    In your 60s:
    Stop what you are doing. No need for a hat any more. Hose the dog crap off your shoes. The mirror was shattered when you were in your 50s. You hope you have underwear on so nothing hangs out the hole in your pants.

    The girl running the register may be cute but you don't have your glasses on, so you're not sure.

    In your 70s:
    Stop what you are doing. Wait to go to Home Depot until the drug store has your prescriptions ready too. Don't even notice the dog crap on your shoes. The young thing at the register stares at you and you realize your balls are hanging out the hole in your crotch.

    In your 80s:
    Stop what you are doing. Start again. Then stop again. Now you remember you need to go to Home Depot. Go to Wal-Mart instead. You went to school with the old lady greeter.

    You wander around trying to remember what you are looking for. Then you fart out loud and think someone called your name.

    In your 90s & beyond:

    What's a home deep hoe? Something for my garden? Where am I? Who am I? Why am I reading this? Did I send it? Did you? Who farted?

  46. #746
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    My mouth hurts from grinning, that ^ is some true stuff, skip the cologne, but check on the shirt, shorts, and shoes.

    I rarely change when I go to the home, just brush off the big chunks.
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  47. #747
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    Quote Originally Posted by Tribble Me View Post
    ...In your 60s:
    Stop what you are doing. No need for a hat any more. Hose the dog crap off your shoes. The mirror was shattered when you were in your 50s. You hope you have underwear on so nothing hangs out the hole in your pants.

    The girl running the register may be cute but you don't have your glasses on, so you're not sure.

    In your 70s:
    Stop what you are doing. Wait to go to Home Depot until the drug store has your prescriptions ready too. Don't even notice the dog crap on your shoes. The young thing at the register stares at you and you realize your balls are hanging out the hole in your crotch.
    ...
    This is the advantage of being a kilt wearing Highland Scot.

    Anything hanging out is assumed to be a hairy sporran. (But more than 2 tassels is boasting )
    As little bike as possible, as silent as possible.
    Latitude: 5736' Highlands, Scotland

  48. #748
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    ^ LOL @Tribble Me


    50+ Joke Thread-41943708_10157380256560021_596463956894154752_n.jpg


    I actually did find and buy a pair of shoes... and Rocket approved!

    50+ Joke Thread-42236118_2219113734999732_511308314626228224_n.jpg
    F*ck Cancer

    Eat your veggies

  49. #749
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    Although Rocket is bit like: " that human that feeds me has that bloody flashy thing again" *rolls eyes* "crazy humans, that's why we ignore them"
    always mad and usually drunk......

  50. #750
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    Hank is lying in bed in the hospital, wearing an oxygen mask over his mouth and nose. A young student nurse appears to give him a partial sponge bath. "Nurse," he mumbles from behind the mask, "Are my testicles black?" Embarrassed, the young nurse replies, "I don't know, sir. I'm only here to wash your upper body and feet."

    He struggles to ask again, "Nurse, please check for me. Are my testicles black?"

    Concerned that he might elevate his blood pressure and heart rate from worrying about his testicles, she overcomes her embarrassment and pulls back the covers. She raises his gown, holds his manhood in one hand and his testicles gently in the other. She looks very closely and says, "There's nothing wrong with them, sir. They look fine." The man slowly pulls off his oxygen mask, and says very slowly,

    "Thank you very much. That was wonderful. Now listen to me very, very closely:

    "Are my test results - back....!"

  51. #751
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    Walking on the Grass

    The room was full of pregnant women with their husbands.

    The instructor said, "Ladies, remember that exercise is good for you. Walking is especially beneficial. It strengthens the pelvic muscles and will make delivery that much easier. Just pace yourself, make plenty of stops and try to stay on a soft surface like grass."

    "Gentlemen, remember -- you're in this together. It wouldn't hurt you to go walking with her. In fact, that shared experience would be good for you both."

    The room suddenly became very quiet as the men absorbed this information. After a few moments a man, name unknown, at the back of the room, slowly raised his hand.

    "Yes?" said the Instructor.

    "I was just wondering if it would be all right, if she carries a golf bag while we walk?"

    This level of sensitivity can't be taught.

  52. #752
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    Time to get up

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  53. #753
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    F*ck Cancer

    Eat your veggies

  54. #754
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    Stormy Daniels and Queen Elizabeth went to the Pearly Gates on the same day They both met with an angel to find out if they would be admitted to Heaven.

    The angel said: "Unfortunately, there's only one space available in Heaven today so I must decide which one of you will be admitted.

    The angel asked Stormy if there was some particular reason why she should go to Heaven. Stormy took off her top and said: "Look at these, they're the most perfect breasts God ever created and I'm sure it will please God to be able to see them every day, for eternity.

    The angel thanked Stormy, and asked Her Majesty, Queen Elizabeth the same question.

    The Queen walked over to a toilet, pulled the lever and flushed it without saying a word.

    The Angel immediately said: "Okay, your Majesty, you may go into Heaven.

    Stormy was outraged and asked, "What was that all about? I showed you two of God's own perfect creations and you turned me down. She simply flushed a commode and she got admitted to Heaven! Would you explain that to me?

    Sorry, Stormy," said the Angel, "but even in Heaven, a royal flush beats a pair, no matter how big they are.

  55. #755
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    Marital Excitement


    Back and forth, in and out, in and out. A little to the right, a little to the left. She could feel the sweat on her forehead, between her breasts and trickling down the small of her back. She was getting near to the end.

    He was in ecstasy with a huge smile on his face as his wife moved forwards then backwards, forwards then backwards, again and again.

    Her heart was pounding now, her face was flushed. She moaned softly at first, then began to groan louder.

    Finally, totally exhausted, she let out a piercing scream:






    "Okay you smug bastard, I can't parallel park. You do it!"

  56. #756
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  57. #757
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    ^^lol, and cool message!
    The Orange Fleet:

    '16 SC Heckler
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  58. #758
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    Quote Originally Posted by Tribble Me View Post
    Marital Excitement


    Back and forth, in and out, in and out. A little to the right, a little to the left. She could feel the sweat on her forehead, between her breasts and trickling down the small of her back. She was getting near to the end.

    He was in ecstasy with a huge smile on his face as his wife moved forwards then backwards, forwards then backwards, again and again.

    Her heart was pounding now, her face was flushed. She moaned softly at first, then began to groan louder.

    Finally, totally exhausted, she let out a piercing scream:






    "Okay you smug bastard, I can't parallel park. You do it!"
    This is... pure parkism.
    I like it

  59. #759
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    50+ Joke Thread-41443762_2306650666017166_8577828930323480576_n.jpg
    F*ck Cancer

    Eat your veggies

  60. #760
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    ^^^ Intentional re-post or did you have a senior moment and forget your post #697 in this thread?
    Last edited by Lone Rager; 3 Weeks Ago at 10:44 AM.
    Do the math.

  61. #761
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    Thanks for that! My favorite rock band of all time!

  62. #762
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    ^ Oops Here's another. Thanks for the reminder

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    F*ck Cancer

    Eat your veggies

  63. #763
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    F*ck Cancer

    Eat your veggies

  64. #764
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    Twenty seconds, but whos counting

    Quote Originally Posted by cyclelicious View Post
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    Lrg GG Pedalhead 29/27+
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    Lrg Devinci Hendrix 27+ (Loaner)
    Med Specialize Levo FSR 27+ (wife)

  65. #765
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    Pretty funny.
    Attached Thumbnails Attached Thumbnails 50+ Joke Thread-willie.jpg  


  66. #766
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    Lol

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  67. #767
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    F*ck Cancer

    Eat your veggies

  68. #768
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    Quote Originally Posted by cyclelicious View Post
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    Cats - Always getting into where they shouldn't.

  69. #769
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    Lol
    Attached Thumbnails Attached Thumbnails 50+ Joke Thread-urology.jpg  


  70. #770
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    A British man was leaving a convenience store with his espresso when he noticed a most unusual Italian funeral procession approaching the nearby cemetery. A black hearse was followed by a second black hearse about 50 feet behind the first one. Behind the second hearse was a solitary Italian man walking a dog on a leash. Behind him, a short distance back, were about 200 men walking in single file. The British man couldn't stand the curiosity. He respectfully approached the Italian man walking the dog and said: "I am so sorry for your loss, and this may be a bad time to disturb you, but I've never seen an Italian funeral like this. Whose funeral, is it?"
    "My wife's."

    "What happened to her?"

    "She yelled at me and my dog attacked and killed her."
    He inquired further, "But who is in the second hearse?"

    My mother-in-law. She came to help my wife and the dog turned on her and killed her also."

    It was a very poignant and touching moment of British and Italian brotherhood ... Silence passed between the two men.

    The British man then asked "Can I borrow the dog?"

    The Italian man replied, "Get in line."

  71. #771
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    How fights start!

    One year, a husband decided to buy his mother-in-law a cemetery plot as a Christmas gift. The next year, he didn't buy her a gift. When she asked him why, he replied, "Well, you still haven't used the gift I bought you last year!"
    And that's how the fight started.....


    I asked my wife, 'Where do you want to go for our anniversary?' It warmed my heart to see her face melt in sweet appreciation.
    'Somewhere I haven't been in a long time!' she said.
    So I suggested, 'How about the kitchen?'
    And that's when the fight started....



    My wife and I are watching Who Wants To Be A Millionaire while we were in bed. I turned to her and said, 'Do you want to have sex?'
    'No,' she answered.
    I then said, 'Is that your final answer?'
    She didn't even look at me this time, simply saying 'Yes.'
    So I said, 'Then I'd like to phone a friend.'
    And that's when the fight started....


    I tried to talk my wife into buying a case of Miller Light for $14.95.
    Instead, she bought a jar of cold cream for $7.95. I told her the beer would make her look better at night than the cold cream.
    And that's when the fight started.......


    I took my wife to a restaurant. The waiter, for some reason, took my order first..
    'I'll have the strip steak, medium rare, please.'
    He said, 'Aren't you worried about the mad cow?'
    'Nah, she can order for herself.'
    And that's when the fight started.....


    My wife sat down on the couch next to me as I was flipping the channels.
    She asked, 'What's on TV?'
    I said, 'Dust.'
    And then the fight started...


    My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming anniversary.
    She said, 'I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 200 in about 3 seconds.'
    I bought her a scale.
    And then the fight started...


    My wife and I were sitting at a table at her high school reunion, and she kept staring at a drunken man swigging his drink as he sat alone at a nearby table.
    I asked her, 'Do you know him?'
    'Yes,' she sighed, ' He's my old boyfriend...I understand he took to drinking right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear he hasn't been sober since.'
    'My God!' I said, 'who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?'
    And then the fight started...



    I rear-ended a car this morning. So, there we were alongside the road and slowly the other
    driver got out of his car. You know how sometimes you just get soooo stressed and little things just seem funny?
    Yeah, well I couldn't believe it.... he was a DWARF!!!
    He stormed over to my car, looked up at me, and shouted, 'I AM NOT HAPPY!'
    So, I looked down at him and said, 'Well, then which one are you?'
    And then the fight started...


    SAVED THE BEST FOR LAST


    THE BROKEN LAWN MOWER
    When our lawn mower broke and wouldn't run, my wife kept hinting to me that I should get it fixed. But, somehow I always had something else to take care of first, the truck, the car, riding a bike. Always something more important to me.

    Finally she thought of a clever way to make her point. When I arrived home one day, I found her seated in the tall grass, busily snipping away with a tiny pair of sewing scissors. I watched silently for a short time and then went into the house.

    I was gone only a minute, and when I came out again I handed her a toothbrush.
    I said, 'When you finish cutting the grass, you might as well sweep the driveway.'
    The doctors say I will walk again, but I will always have a limp.

    BUT HERE'S MY FAVORITE

    My wife was standing nude, looking in the bedroom mirror.
    She was not happy with what she saw and said to me,
    "I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly.
    I really need you to pay me a compliment.'
    I replied, "Your eyesight's damn near perfect."
    And then the fight started........

  72. #772
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    F*ck Cancer

    Eat your veggies

  73. #773
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    It took me years and years to realise this...

    As little bike as possible, as silent as possible.
    Latitude: 5736' Highlands, Scotland

  74. #774
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    Quote Originally Posted by Velobike View Post
    It took me years and years to realise this...]
    Reminds me of the old line -

    If a man is alone in the woods where no woman can hear him, and he speaks, is he still wrong?
    Use it, use it, use it while you still have it.

  75. #775
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    Quote Originally Posted by Gasp4Air View Post
    Reminds me of the old line -

    If a man is alone in the woods where no woman can hear him, and he speaks, is he still wrong?
    Yes

    She is pre-disposed to still know you are wrong.

    Eric
    If I don't make an attempt, how will I know if it will work?

  76. #776
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    No need to hurry

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    F*ck Cancer

    Eat your veggies

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  78. #778
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    My spirit animal!

    50+ Joke Thread-43454547_1085430728284472_8058174811341324288_n.jpg
    F*ck Cancer

    Eat your veggies

  79. #779
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    I was in a large sporting goods store last night when an older couple were walking through the firearms department looking at the various animal heads hanging on the walls. They were having a conversation about them and she says "Well I think they're fascinating too, but just think how beautiful they would be if they were alive." and he replied "True, but they'd smell worse." It's all perspective.

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  81. #781
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    Quote Originally Posted by cyclelicious View Post
    My spirit animal!

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    That's definitely me!

  82. #782
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    Im not getting old, Im just cocooning before Im reborn with wings.
    eSurly ECR SA-5spd IGH (BBS02B)
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  83. #783
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    Quote Originally Posted by Whiptastic View Post
    Im not getting old, Im just cocooning before Im reborn with wings.
    Nice one :P
    I seek only the Flow,
    Climbing Is Supposed To Be Hard,
    Shut Up Legs :P

  84. #784
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    I seek only the Flow,
    Climbing Is Supposed To Be Hard,
    Shut Up Legs :P

  85. #785
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    seriously

    50+ Joke Thread-44065018_481375975676835_8327504647036076032_n.jpg
    F*ck Cancer

    Eat your veggies

  86. #786
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    I will take Aches and Pains for $600 Alex

    50+ Joke Thread-44108621_10213225402857325_5547785122821963776_n.jpg
    F*ck Cancer

    Eat your veggies

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  88. #788
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    Isn't the early-bird special (listed in Jeopardy) just code talk for two cups of coffee, a couple ibuprofen and a BM?

  89. #789
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    Quote Originally Posted by 755872 View Post
    You know you're over 50 when the Cialis commercial quits annoying you because it's a good reminder to refill you Cialis prescription.
    Off the subject, how did you get the name "Guest?"

  90. #790
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    As little bike as possible, as silent as possible.
    Latitude: 5736' Highlands, Scotland

  91. #791
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    As little bike as possible, as silent as possible.
    Latitude: 5736' Highlands, Scotland

  92. #792
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    Quote Originally Posted by Velobike View Post
    Funny, I over-heard one of those comments at a sporting goods store last night. Her "I never said that was the last pair of shoes I would ever need, I said I'd never have more shoes than would fit in our closet. Besides, what about you saying that you'd never buy more guns that would fit in your safe?" Him "That's why we're here buying another safe."

  93. #793
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    Quote Originally Posted by Velobike View Post
    Are you talking about me?

    Seriously, Im keeping this bike, theres no way Ill ever sell it, its the best bike Ive ever ridden. Wait, theres a new bike coming out ...
    Lrg GG Pedalhead 29/27+
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  94. #794
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    F*ck Cancer

    Eat your veggies

  95. #795
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    50+ Joke Thread-52aa087c-edd8-4f41-b248-d500623cd702.jpg
    Quote Originally Posted by mileslong View Post
    I passionately remove rocks and corners and other stuff I find too hard to ride.

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