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Thread: 50+ Joke Thread

  1. #601
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    Wow! My buddy's grand ma is going to be 105 this year!

    I would also hate to live that long!

    People this age are allowed to complain about anything!

    Sent from my LGMS210 using Tapatalk

  2. #602
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    Husbands are husbands

    A man was sitting reading his papers when his wife hit him round the head with a frying pan.

    'What was that for?' the man asked. The wife replied ,

    'That was for the piece of paper with the name Jenny on it that I found in your pants pocket'.

    The man then said 'When I was at the races last week ,Jenny was the name of the horse I bet on.' The wife apologized and went on with the housework.

    Three days later the man is watching TV when his wife bashes him on the head with an even bigger frying pan, knocking him unconscious. Upon re-gaining consciousness the man asked why she had hit again.

    Wife replied. 'Your horse phoned'

  3. #603
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    An elderly man went to his doctor and said, 'Doc, I think I'm getting senile. Several times lately, I have forgotten to zip up.'

    'That's not senility,' replied the doctor. 'Senility is when you forget to zip down.'

  4. #604
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    Lol!
    Quote Originally Posted by Tribble Me View Post
    Husbands are husbands

    A man was sitting reading his papers when his wife hit him round the head with a frying pan.

    'What was that for?' the man asked. The wife replied ,

    'That was for the piece of paper with the name Jenny on it that I found in your pants pocket'.

    The man then said 'When I was at the races last week ,Jenny was the name of the horse I bet on.' The wife apologized and went on with the housework.

    Three days later the man is watching TV when his wife bashes him on the head with an even bigger frying pan, knocking him unconscious. Upon re-gaining consciousness the man asked why she had hit again.

    Wife replied. 'Your horse phoned'
    Sent from my LGMS210 using Tapatalk

  5. #605
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    Yep..

    Sent from my LGMS210 using Tapatalk

  6. #606
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    Geez he was so cute....


    50+ Joke Thread-33618728_1508957009233302_3683030401594425344_n.jpg
    F*ck Cancer

    Eat your veggies

  7. #607
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    "Why can't I have a warmer like that..."
    The most expensive bike in the world is still cheaper than the cheapest open heart surgery.

  8. #608
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    Just some random thoughts:

    My goal for 2018 was to lose 10 pounds. Only 15 to go.

    I ate a salad for dinner. Mostly croutons & tomatoes. Really just one big round crouton covered with tomato sauce. And cheese. FINE, it was a pizza. I ate a pizza.

    How to prepare Tofu:
    a. Throw it in the trash
    b. Grill some meat

    I just did a week's worth of cardio after walking into a spider web.

    I don't mean to brag, but I finished my 14-day diet food in 3 hours
    and 20 minutes.

    A recent study has found women who carry a little extra weight live much longer than men who mention it.

    Kids today don't know how easy they have it. When I was young, I had to walk 9 feet through ugly shag carpet to change the TV channel.

    Senility has been a smooth transition for me.

    Remember back when we were kids and every time it was below zero outside they closed school? Nah, me either.

    I may not be that funny or athletic or good looking or smart or talented. I forgot where I was going with this.

    I love being over 55. I learn something new every day and forget 5 others.

    A thief broke into my house last night. He started searching for money so I woke up and searched with him.

    Important note for Daylight Savings Time. Don't forget to set your bathroom scale back 10 pounds on Saturday night.

    Just remember, once you're over the hill you begin to pick up speed.

    I think I'll just put an "Out of Order" sticker on my forehead and call it a day.

  9. #609
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    At the bike shop last night buying a new helmet and talking to the sales person about a $7K bike (that I wouldn't buy on a bet) when a twenty-something commented to me that "it's not fair that only old people have enough money to buy really good bikes, it's not like you can use all that capability." I was gonna laugh at him but said "Hmmm, seems like if you were fast enough to need a $10K bike some team would be buying it for you."
    The most expensive bike in the world is still cheaper than the cheapest open heart surgery.

  10. #610
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    I would have invited him for a ride, offered him the use of my bike, then trashed his trash talking arse

    Quote Originally Posted by Forster View Post
    At the bike shop last night buying a new helmet and talking to the sales person about a $7K bike (that I wouldn't buy on a bet) when a twenty-something commented to me that "it's not fair that only old people have enough money to buy really good bikes, it's not like you can use all that capability." I was gonna laugh at him but said "Hmmm, seems like if you were fast enough to need a $10K bike some team would be buying it for you."
    GG Smash 29 (pending)
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    Devinci Hendrix 27+ (loaner)
    Specialize Levo FSR 27+ (wifee)

  11. #611
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    Quote Originally Posted by Nurse Ben View Post
    I would have invited him for a ride, offered him the use of my bike, then trashed his trash talking arse
    Not a bad plan. I don't own any mega expensive bikes but they've all been paid for by off-setting vehicle miles on commutes. I guess if you want something bad enough you can work hard, save your money and get it someday. If you want to smart-off in a bike shop, there probably isn't a sustainable living connected to that line of work.
    The most expensive bike in the world is still cheaper than the cheapest open heart surgery.

  12. #612
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    Glass half-full

    Quote Originally Posted by Forster View Post
    ...a twenty-something commented to me that "it's not fair that only old people have enough money to buy really good bikes, it's not like you can use all that capability."...
    This is basically true. When you are young, you have vitality & free time on your side, but little money. As a person establishes a career, family, & responsibilities, they gain money, but usually at the expense of lost vitality and less free time.
    But to say "it's not fair" is a classic victim-mentality statement. Young people have attributes (health & time) that many of us 'mature' types would kill for. If young people leveraged what they already have, we would be cheering them on, instead of listening to their whining.

  13. #613
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    Funny, because my son (18) seems to think the victim mentality is something his generation invented. I've since explained that it's as old as time. I remember being there myself at one point. I'd broke three vertebrae at age 19 and felt pretty sorry for myself until I had a 12-year-old roommate in the Hospital who'd just lost his leg at the knee to bone cancer. He didn't feel the least bit a victim. Started me really thinking about what I had rather than what I didn't have. Took about two years of scrounging to buy my first road bike after that because I wanted to get back in shape and couldn't return to serious running. That was 37 years ago. Haven't stopped riding since.
    The most expensive bike in the world is still cheaper than the cheapest open heart surgery.

  14. #614
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    Everyone that didn't say any stupid shit when they were 20 raise your hands. Liars.

  15. #615
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    Quote Originally Posted by SteveF View Post
    Everyone that didn't say any stupid shit when they were 20 raise your hands. Liars.
    Hands down. I could also add 30s and 40s to that and will likely say that about my 50s when I reach my 60s.
    The most expensive bike in the world is still cheaper than the cheapest open heart surgery.

  16. #616
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    A husband takes his wife to play golf for her first time. Of course, the wife promptly hacked her first shot right through the window of the biggest house adjacent to the course.
    The husband cringed, 'I warned you to be careful! Now we'll have to go up there, find the owner, apologize and see how much your lousy drive is going to cost us.'
    So the couple walked up to the house and knocked on the door. A warm voice said, 'Come on in.'
    When they opened the door they saw the damage that was done: glass was all over the place, and a broken antique bottle was lying on its side near the pieces of window glass.
    A man reclining on the couch asked, 'Are you the people that broke my window?'
    'Uh...yeah! , sir. We're sure sorry about that,' the husband replied.
    'Oh, no apology is necessary. Actually I want to thank you.. You see, I'm a genie, and I've been trapped in that bottle for a thousand years. Now that you've released me, I'm allowed to grant three wishes. I'll give you each one wish, but if you don't mind, I'll keep the last one for my self.'
    Wow, that's great!' the husband said. He pondered a moment and blurted out, 'I'd like a million dollars a year for the rest of my life.'
    'No problem,' said the genie 'You've got it, it's the least I can do.. And I'll guarantee you a long, healthy life!'
    'And now you, young lady, what do you want?' the genie asked.
    'I'd like to own a gorgeous home in every country in the world complete with servants,' she said.
    'Consider it done,' the genie said. 'And your homes will always be safe from fire, burglary and natural disasters!'
    'And now,' the couple asked in unison, 'what's your wish, genie?'
    'Well, since I've been trapped in that bottle, and haven't been with a woman in more than a thousand years, my wish is to have sex with your wife.'
    The husband looked at his wife and said, 'Gee, honey, you know we both now have a fortune, and all those houses. What do you think?'
    She mulled it over for a few moments and said, 'You know, you're right. Considering our good fortune, I guess I wouldn't mind, but what about you, honey?'
    You know I love you sweetheart,' said the husband. I'd do the same for you!'
    So the genie and the woman went upstairs where they spent the rest of the afternoon enjoying each other.
    The genie was insatiable. After about three hours of non-stop sex, the genie rolled over and looked directly into her eyes and asked, How old are you and your husband?'
    'Why, we're both 35,' she responded breathlessly.
    'No Kidding,' he said.
    'Thirty-five years old and you both still believe in genies?'

  17. #617
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    Lol..Good one Tribble !

  18. #618
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    50+ Joke Thread-34396175_10155658086036376_4913267807224856576_n.jpg
    F*ck Cancer

    Eat your veggies

  19. #619
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    Quote Originally Posted by cyclelicious View Post
    Click image for larger version. 

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    Ms cyclelicious, while I very much appreciate the sentiment behind your post, I must protest your posting on the 50+ forum. You clearly need to wait another 20 years, at least.

  20. #620
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    Quote Originally Posted by DeadGrandpa View Post
    Ms cyclelicious, while I very much appreciate the sentiment behind your post, I must protest your posting on the 50+ forum. You clearly need to wait another 20 years, at least.
    Now if there were two 50-year-old getting Cat 6'd by a twenty-something it might apply. Just kidding, we all know we'd chase them down.
    The most expensive bike in the world is still cheaper than the cheapest open heart surgery.

  21. #621
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    A little old lady goes to the doctor and says, “Doctor, I have a terrible problem with gas, but it doesn’t bother me much.”
    My farts are always silent and never smell. I probably farted 15 times since I’ve been here, and you didn’t realize it.

    The doctor says, “Interesting. Why don’t you take these pills and come see me in a week?”

    The old lady returns in a week and says, “I don’t know what the hell you gave me. My farts are still silent, but my God, they stink!!”

    The doctor says, “Excellent. Now that your sinuses are cleared, let’s work on your hearing.”
    F*ck Cancer

    Eat your veggies

  22. #622
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    A Touching Golf Story

    Ray stood over his tee shot on the 450 yard 18th hole for what seemed an eternity.

    He waggled, looked up, looked down, waggled again, but didn't start his back swing.

    Finally his exasperated partner asked, 'What the hell is taking so long?'

    'My wife is watching me from the clubhouse balcony, Jim explained. 'I want to make a perfect shot.'

    His companion said, 'You don't have a chance in hell of hitting her from here'.

  23. #623
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    Another golf chestnut:

    Q: Why does holding a 1-iron over your head in a lightning storm protect you?



    A: Because not even God can hit a 1-iron.
    Use it, use it, use it while you still have it.

  24. #624
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    The Art Collector's Wife

    A New York attorney representing a wealthy art collector called and
    asked to speak to his client, "Saul, I have some good news and, I have some bad news."
    The art collector replied, "I've had an awful day; let's hear the good news first."

    The lawyer said, "Well, I met with your wife today, and she informed me that she invested $5,000 in two pictures that she thinks will bring a minimum of $15-20 million. I think she could be right."

    Saul replied enthusiastically, "Well done! My wife is a brilliant businesswoman! You've just made my day. Now I know I can handle the bad news. What is it?"

    The lawyer replied, "The pictures are of you with your secretary."

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