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  1. #501
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    50+ Joke Thread-26231548_1578012705587041_3019645459461455716_n.jpg
    F*ck Cancer

    Eat your veggies

  2. #502
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    Quote Originally Posted by cyclelicious View Post
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    I can't wait for reel to reel to return.

  3. #503
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    Quote Originally Posted by honkinunit View Post
    I can't wait for reel to reel to return.
    I've got a ReVox. Never use it but it looks cool :0)

  4. #504
    Don't worry, be happy!
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    Anyone have "what's that round thing?" conversation with your kids before the comeback?

  5. #505
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    Aphorism is a statement of truth or opinion expressed in a concise and witty manner.


    ♦ I read that 4,153,237 people got married last year. Not to cause any trouble, but shouldn't that be an even number?

    ♦ I find it ironic that the colors red, white, and blue stand for freedom until they are flashing behind you.

    ♦ When wearing a bikini, women reveal 90% of their body. Men are so polite they only look at the covered parts.

    ♦Relationships are a lot like algebra. Have you ever looked at your X and wondered Y?

    ♦ America is a country which produces citizens who will cross the ocean to fight for democracy but won't cross the street to vote.

    ♦ You know that tingly little feeling you get when you love someone? That's common sense leaving your body.

    ♦ My therapist says I have a preoccupation with vengeance. We'll see about that.

    ♦ I think my neighbor is stalking me as she's been Googling my name on her computer. I saw it through my telescope last night.

    ♦ Money talks ... but all mine ever says is good-bye.

    ♦ You're not fat, you're just easier to see.

    ♦ If you think nobody cares whether you're alive, try missing a couple of payments.

    ♦ I always wondered what the job application is like at Hooters. Do they just give you a bra and say, "Here, fill this out?"

    ♦ I can’t understand why women are OK that JC Penny has an older women’s clothing line named, "Sag Harbor."

    ♦ Denny’s has a slogan, "If it’s your birthday, the meal is on us." If you’re in Denny’s and it’s your birthday, your life sucks!

    ♦ The location of your mailbox shows you how far away from your house you can go in a robe before you start looking like a mental patient.

    ♦ I think it's pretty cool how Chinese people made a language entirely out of tattoos.

    ♦ Money can’t buy happiness, but it keeps the kids in touch!

    ♦ The reason Mayberry was so peaceful and quiet was because nobody was married. Andy, Aunt Bea, Barney, Floyd, Howard, Goober, Gomer, Sam, Earnest T Bass, Helen, Thelma Lou, Clara and, of course, Opie were all single. The only married person was Otis, and he stayed drunk.

    Now, don’t you feel better knowing what an aphorism is?

  6. #506
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    F*ck Cancer

    Eat your veggies

  7. #507
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    50+ Joke Thread-voices-wife-copy.jpg

  8. #508
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    Quote Originally Posted by Forster View Post
    An old man walks into the bar and asks the bartender for a drink that will make him better looking to younger women. The bartender says "Alcohol only makes men think women are sexier. It's different with women." So the old man asks "What can I do to make me sexier to women?". To which the bartender replies, "Well, to start with, you need more money in your billfold."
    Reminds me of the guy at the bar who leans over to the young woman next to him and says, "I'm not really this tall. I'm sitting on my billfold."

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  10. #510
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    50+ Joke Thread-26907506_542285742805125_8607022505265751361_n.jpg
    F*ck Cancer

    Eat your veggies

  11. #511
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    A tandem rider is stopped by a police car.

    "What've I done, officer?" asks the rider.

    "Perhaps you didn't notice, sir, but your wife fell off your bike half a mile back . . ."

    "Oh, thank God for that," says the rider - "I thought I'd gone deaf!"

  12. #512
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    Stevie Wonder and Tiger Woods are in a bar. Tiger turns to and says, 'How's the singing career going?'

    Stevie replies, 'Not too bad. How's the golf?'

    Woods replies, 'Not too bad, I've had some problems with my swing, but I think I've got that right, now.'

    Stevie says, 'I always find that when my swing goes wrong, I need to stop playing for a while and not think about it. Then, the next time I play, it seems to be all right.'

    Tiger says, 'You play GOLF?'

    Stevie says, 'Yes, I've been playing for years'.

    Tiger says, 'But -- you're blind! How can you play golf if you can't see?'

    Stevie Wonder replies, 'Well, I get my caddy to stand in the middle of the fairway and call to me. I listen for the sound of his voice and play the ball towards him. Then, when I get to where the ball lands, the caddy moves to the green or farther down the fairway and again I play the ball towards his voice.'

    'But, how do you putt?' asks Tiger

    'Well', says Stevie, 'I get my caddy to lean down in front of the hole and call to me with his head on the ground and I just play the ball towards his voice.'

    Tiger asks, 'What's your handicap?'

    Stevie says, 'Well, actually -- I'm a scratch golfer.'

    Woods, incredulous, says to Stevie, 'We've got to play a round sometime.'

    Stevie replies, 'Well, people don't take me seriously, so I only play for money, and never play for less than $10,000 a hole. That a problem?'

    Woods thinks about it and says, 'I can afford that, OK, I'm game for that. $10,000 a hole is fine with me. When would you like to play?'

    Stevie Wonder says, 'Pick a night'

  13. #513
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    50+ Joke Thread-image057.jpg

  14. #514
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    50+ Joke Thread-26903971_1298126180333074_8444885448170903879_n-1-.jpg
    F*ck Cancer

    Eat your veggies

  15. #515
    Life's a Garden, dig it!
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    Quote Originally Posted by cyclelicious View Post
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    I just saw this. Thanks! I just resurrected my entire system and put a new turntable in place. I'm listening to vinyl I haven't heard in 20 years.
    One gear is all you need.

  16. #516
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    Quote Originally Posted by chuckha62 View Post
    I just saw this. Thanks! I just resurrected my entire system and put a new turntable in place. I'm listening to vinyl I haven't heard in 20 years.
    Cool. What sort of turntable did you get?

    Vinyl is cool in the UK and there is a big revival that shows no sign of slowing down. Record sales are up year on year and most new albums are released on vinyl.

    It's great news as vinyl sounds so much better than digital. The down side is that turntables, tonearms etc have rocketed in value. A basic used turntable that would've been worth £50 thirty years ago sells for more than double that today.

    Vinyl is fun isn't it? ;0)

  17. #517
    Life's a Garden, dig it!
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    I bought a Numark. It's supposed to be able to rip my LPs directly to MP3, but I haven't done it yet. To tell the truth, I'd be just as happy with my old school Technics SL-B202. It has a tone arm lifter and the Numark doesn't. It also has a dust cover and the Numark doesn't.

    Having fun with it, nonetheless.
    One gear is all you need.

  18. #518
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    If you still have the Technics you should dig it out and try it, might be better than the Numark. Dare say it'll need a new stylus by now though.

    This whole USB turntable thing is a con. Virtually all PCs and laptops have mic inputs you can plug a cable from for your amp into which will do the same thing.

    Years ago only high-end turntables tended to come without lids, often the configuration of the turntable makes a lid tricky, but quite a few budget turntable are like that now. Pro-Ject are the worst, half of their tables don't have lids. It's just cost cutting. Who the heck wants a record player you can't keep the dust off?

  19. #519
    Life's a Garden, dig it!
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    Funny you say that. I have been looking for my Technics and cannot remember what happened to it. I don't remember getting rid of it, but hell if I know where it is. I see them on Craigslist from time to time and they generally run around $50-$60 US. I'll pick one up when I can (or another brand) and compare.
    One gear is all you need.

  20. #520
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    Annoying when that happens. I wouldn't bother seeking out that particular deck, if you are up for buying another anyway just buy the best one you can find. Rega turntables really are very hard to beat for the money but they might be thin on the ground over there? Pro-Ject turntables sound ok but build is generally poor.

    It's a fun hobby. I've bought and sold a few turntables recently.

  21. #521
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    50+ Joke Thread-14991862_10154676799256704_1371419794664057881_n.jpg
    F*ck Cancer

    Eat your veggies

  22. #522
    Life's a Garden, dig it!
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    Cleaning. Or as my wife calls it, Foreplay.
    One gear is all you need.

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  24. #524
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    Quote Originally Posted by Tribble Me View Post
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    We have a storage room that I've given up on. I don't even try to use it any more as my wife has turned it into a total dump. Last night she says:

    "I went though some of my boxes and I've taken stuff out of them."

    Me: "So they now take to the same amount of space, they just have less in them?"

    "Yeah, but it's a start. I'm going to rationalize my stuff."

    "Rationalize is good. Rationalize sounds positive and constructive. Much better than, 'getting rid of your shite!' "

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    My problem is that if I were to clear out stuff and leave empty space my wife would put new stuff there. So my brother suggested putting empty boxes in the spaces.

    I'm planning to haul a box a day out when she's not looking. I figure I'll be done in about 2 years.

  26. #526
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    Quote Originally Posted by Tribble Me View Post
    I'm planning to haul a box a day out when she's not looking. I figure I'll be done in about 2 years.
    Over 30 years ago right before we moved to San Diego I tossed out some boxes of "her" stuff. Almost got divorced over that so please be careful unless that's your plan
    "We'll ride it until they pave it."

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  27. #527
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    Quote Originally Posted by Dirtrider127 View Post
    Over 30 years ago right before we moved to San Diego I tossed out some boxes of "her" stuff. Almost got divorced over that so please be careful unless that's your plan
    Yeah, I'm mostly kidding, that probably would be the result, or she'd go out and buy it all again and then divorce me. Besides, I've got my own junk to deal with first.

  28. #528
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    50+ Joke Thread-27858692_1779497032117971_1949136917297381833_n.jpg
    F*ck Cancer

    Eat your veggies

  29. #529
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    Funny, when I was 30 Doctors were worried that my blood pressure was too low, at 50 they worried it was getting too high. At 56 I'm just happy to have blood pressure at all.
    The most expensive bike in the world is still cheaper than the cheapest open heart surgery.

  30. #530
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    A man was walking down the street when he was accosted by a particularly dirty and shabby-looking homeless man who asked him for a couple of dollars for dinner.

    The man took out his wallet, extracted ten dollars and asked, "If I give you this money, will you buy some beer with it instead of dinner?"

    "No, I had to stop drinking years ago," the homeless man replied.

    "Will you spend this on green fees at a golf course instead of food?" the man asked.

    "Are you NUTS!" replied the homeless man. "I haven't played golf in 20 years!"

    "Well," said the man, "I'm not going to give you money. Instead, I'm going to take you home for a hot shower and a terrific dinner cooked by my wife."

    The homeless man was astounded. "Won't your wife be furious with you for doing that?

    The man replied, "That's okay. It's important for her to see what a man looks like after he has given up drinking and golf."

  31. #531
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    F*ck Cancer

    Eat your veggies

  32. #532
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    Lol
    Quote Originally Posted by mileslong View Post
    I passionately remove rocks and corners and other stuff I find too hard to ride.

  33. #533
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    Quote Originally Posted by Dirtrider127 View Post
    Over 30 years ago right before we moved to San Diego I tossed out some boxes of "her" stuff. Almost got divorced over that so please be careful unless that's your plan
    Yet it's OK for them to throw out your stuff.
    DAMN THE MUD, FULL SPEED AHEAD!!

  34. #534
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    Quote Originally Posted by OlMarin View Post
    Yet it's OK for them to throw out your stuff.

  35. #535
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    A Love Story


    I will seek and find you.

    I shall take you to bed, and have my way with you.

    I will make you ache, shake & sweat until you moan & groan.

    I will make you beg for mercy, beg for me to stop.

    I will exhaust you to the point that you will be relieved when I'm finished with you.

    And, when I am finished, you will be weak for days.






    All my love,


    The Flu


    Now, stop thinking about sex, you are too old, and go get your flu shot!

  36. #536
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    ^^^That's too funny^^^
    DAMN THE MUD, FULL SPEED AHEAD!!

  37. #537
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    50+ Joke Thread-26906947_2078420149062258_2251655738295924515_n.jpg
    F*ck Cancer

    Eat your veggies

  38. #538
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    Quote Originally Posted by cyclelicious View Post
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    Heh, put a cat or three in there and that's Anne and I most nights...

  39. #539
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  40. #540
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    A young lady, goes to her local pet store in search of an exotic pet. As she looks about the store, she notices a box full of live frogs. The sign says:

    “S.x Frogs! Only $20 each!

    Money Back Guarantee!

    Comes with complete instructions.”

    The girl excitedly looks around to see if anybody’s watching her. She whispers softly to the man behind the counter,”I’ll take one.”

    The man packages the frog and says, “Just follow the instructions.” The girl nods, grabs the box, and is quickly on her way home. As soon as she closes the door to her apartment, she reads the instructions and reads them very carefully. She does exactly what is specified:

    1. Take a shower.

    2. Splash on some nice perfume.

    3. Slip into a very s.xy nightie.

    4. Crawl into bed and place the frog down beside you and allow the frog to follow it’s training.

    She then quickly gets into bed with the frog and, to her surprise, nothing happens!

    The girl is very disappointed and quite upset at this point. She rereads the instructions and notices at the bottom of the paper it says, “If you have a problems or questions, please call the pet store.”

    So, the lady calls the pet store. The man says, “I’ll be right over.” Within minutes, the man is ringing her doorbell.

    The lady welcomes him in and says, “See, I’ve done everything according to the instructions. The damn thing just sit there.”

    The man, looking very concerned, picks up the frog, stares directly at the frog and says, “Listen to me! I’m only going to show you how to do this one more time….”
    As little bike as possible, as silent as possible.
    Latitude: 57º36' Highlands, Scotland

  41. #541
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    Throwback Thursday

    50+ Joke Thread-28377732_1136525173116616_6631615305870693360_n.jpg
    F*ck Cancer

    Eat your veggies

  42. #542
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    Quote Originally Posted by cyclelicious View Post
    Throwback Thursday

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    Lolz. I think I’ll go pop one now!


    Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

  43. #543
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    I was given orders by my doc to lay off Ibuprofin cuz it irritated the lining of my stomach. I do miss it. Wah. I was given Tramadol instead, which is great for going to sleep and waking up groggy, but forget about taking it during the day.
    Use it, use it, use it while you still have it.

  44. #544
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    Tramadol tablet=Vertigo tablet

  45. #545
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    Tramadol is quite a step up from ibuprofen for pain relief and is no joke. From Wikipedia:

    Tramadol is an opioid pain medication used to treat moderate to moderately severe pain… Common side effects include: constipation, itchiness and nausea. Serious side effects may include seizures, increased risk of serotonin syndrome, decreased alertness, and drug addiction…

    Long-term use of high doses of tramadol will cause physical dependence and withdrawal syndrome. These include both symptoms typical of opioid withdrawal and those associated with SSRI withdrawal; symptoms include numbness, tingling, paresthesia, and tinnitus. Psychiatric symptoms may include hallucinations, paranoia, extreme anxiety, panic attacks, and confusion. In most cases, tramadol withdrawal will set in 12–20 hours after the last dose, but this can vary. Tramadol withdrawal typically lasts longer than that of other opioids. Seven days or more of acute withdrawal symptoms can occur as opposed to typically three or four days for other codeine analogues.

  46. #546
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    Might want to try acupuncture:

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  47. #547
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    Quote Originally Posted by levity View Post
    Tramadol is quite a step up from ibuprofen for pain relief and is no joke.
    Wasn't meant to be a joke - for occasional use only.

    And speaking of jokes, What gets 2 old ladies to say "Fcuk"?

    Answer: When the old lady sitting between them yells "Bingo!"
    Use it, use it, use it while you still have it.

  48. #548
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    Quote Originally Posted by Gasp4Air View Post
    I was given orders by my doc to lay off Ibuprofin cuz it irritated the lining of my stomach. I do miss it. Wah. I was given Tramadol instead, which is great for going to sleep and waking up groggy, but forget about taking it during the day.
    I've been using Celebrex for years without trouble, though some clinicals have suggested that it can give you stomach grief. Maybe ask your doctor if that's an option? I'd avoid Opioids as much as possible, personally.

  49. #549
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    Quote Originally Posted by SteveF View Post
    I've been using Celebrex for years without trouble, though some clinicals have suggested that it can give you stomach grief. Maybe ask your doctor if that's an option? I'd avoid Opioids as much as possible, personally.

    Here in Colorado, they have pain solutions with names like Skywalker and Grape Ape.

    No stomach problems.

  50. #550
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    Quote Originally Posted by honkinunit View Post
    Here in Colorado, they have pain solutions with names like Skywalker and Grape Ape.

    No stomach problems.
    good med for leg cramps and back spasms
    DAMN THE MUD, FULL SPEED AHEAD!!

  51. #551
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    F*ck Cancer

    Eat your veggies

  52. #552
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    Couple of my fave Larson dogs funnies

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    Use it, use it, use it while you still have it.

  53. #553
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    I could see me doing this...


    A vintage bicycle enthusiast was out for a walk when he met a fellow vintage bike enthusiast who was riding toward him on a wonderful old bicycle.

    The first vintage enthusiast was stunned. ‘Where did you get that fantastic machine?’ he asked.

    ‘You’ll never believe it,’ said the second enthusiast. ‘I was walking home yesterday, minding my own business, when a beautiful woman rode up to me on this bike.

    She threw the bike onto the ground, took all her clothes off, and said: ‘Take what you want.’

    The first vintage enthusiast nodded approvingly. ‘Good choice …her clothes probably wouldn’t have fitted you anyway.’


    .... and I have a friend who would be the other vintage enthusiast.


    (lifted from oldbike.eu)
    As little bike as possible, as silent as possible.
    Latitude: 57º36' Highlands, Scotland

  54. #554
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    50+ Joke Thread-28685023_10211516916178153_6601618326877494769_n.jpg
    F*ck Cancer

    Eat your veggies

  55. #555
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    I am a vintage bike enthusiast (vintage applying to me, not the bikes).
    Do the math.

  56. #556
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    Quote Originally Posted by Lone Rager View Post
    I am a vintage bike enthusiast (vintage applying to me, not the bikes).
    Me too. I've been thinking of finding a bike as old as I am, but they weren't invented yet.
    DAMN THE MUD, FULL SPEED AHEAD!!

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    The only cow in a small town in Poland stopped giving milk. The people did some research and found that they could buy a cow from Moscow for 2,000 rubles, or one from Minsk for 1,000 rubles. Being frugal, they bought the cow from Minsk.

    The cow was wonderful. It produced lots of milk all the time,and the people were amazed and very happy.

    They decided to acquire a bull to mate with the cow and produce more cows like it. Then they would never have to worry about the milk supply again. They bought a bull and put it in the pasture with their beloved cow. However, whenever the bull came close to the cow, the cow would move away. No matter what approach the bull tried, the cow would move away from the bull and he could not succeed in his quest.

    The people were very upset and decided to ask the rabbi, who was very wise, what to do. They told the rabbi what was happening; "Whenever the bull approaches our cow, she moves away. If he approaches from the back, she moves forward. When he approaches her from the front, she backs off. An approach from the side and she just walks away to the other side.

    The rabbi thought about this for a minute and asked,
    "Did you buy this cow from Minsk?"

    The people were dumbfounded. They had never mentioned where they had gotten the cow. "You are truly a wise rabbi. How did you know we got the cow from Minsk?

    "The rabbi answered sadly, "My wife is from Minsk."

  59. #559
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    The other day, my wife asked me to pass her lipstick but I accidentally passed her a glue stick.

    She still isn't talking to me.
    As little bike as possible, as silent as possible.
    Latitude: 57º36' Highlands, Scotland

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    Quote Originally Posted by Velobike View Post
    The other day, my wife asked me to pass her lipstick but I accidentally passed her a glue stick.

    She still isn't talking to me.
    You say that like it's a bad thing...
    DAMN THE MUD, FULL SPEED AHEAD!!

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    One thing I've noticed is the larger seasonal fluctuation in weight as I've aged.
    Now in early spring my jeans fit like a cheap hotel.
    No ballroom
    DAMN THE MUD, FULL SPEED AHEAD!!

  62. #562
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    Quote Originally Posted by Dirtrider127 View Post
    Over 30 years ago right before we moved to San Diego I tossed out some boxes of "her" stuff. Almost got divorced over that so please be careful unless that's your plan
    Good advice.

    I think before my wife and I were married, a family canoe trip on a day of hot sun and t-storms involved lots of beer consumption and my families' concept of just out-to-have-fun. There were probably 10 of us out there on a 30 mile run of river in the northern part of the mitten / Michigan.

    I was less interested in the direction of travel and my almost-wife was a bit more serious about the canoe being properly aimed. Me in back as helping steer just wasn't happening and we twirled this way and that way and probably even some complete circles. I tell people we were divorced before we got married.

    Many years later, I started a new job and was on the afternoon shift, 3 -11. I didn't like it at all and as a sign of how strong our marrige is (I guess) ... I tell people if you have marital issues, one of you go to 2nd shift and you'll never even see each other at all. I'd get up and evyone is gone, kids to school, wife to work, etc.... Go to work before they get home and get home after everyone is in bed. Almost anyone could keep up a troubled marriage on those terms for 3 or 4 decades !!
    In the Middle Ages, the biggest mistake was not putting on your armor because you were 'just going down to the corner.'

  63. #563
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    50+ Joke Thread-28661266_1773433992719313_8445782115018080256_n.jpg
    F*ck Cancer

    Eat your veggies

  64. #564
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    Quote Originally Posted by bachman1961 View Post
    Good advice.

    I think before my wife and I were married, a family canoe trip on a day of hot sun and t-storms involved lots of beer consumption and my families' concept of just out-to-have-fun. There were probably 10 of us out there on a 30 mile run of river in the northern part of the mitten / Michigan.

    I was less interested in the direction of travel and my almost-wife was a bit more serious about the canoe being properly aimed. Me in back as helping steer just wasn't happening and we twirled this way and that way and probably even some complete circles. I tell people we were divorced before we got married.

    Many years later, I started a new job and was on the afternoon shift, 3 -11. I didn't like it at all and as a sign of how strong our marrige is (I guess) ... I tell people if you have marital issues, one of you go to 2nd shift and you'll never even see each other at all. I'd get up and evyone is gone, kids to school, wife to work, etc.... Go to work before they get home and get home after everyone is in bed. Almost anyone could keep up a troubled marriage on those terms for 3 or 4 decades !!
    In the old days, guys with a tough marriage didn't get divorced, they got jobs on the road. Salesmen, cobblers, tinkerers, what have you. The story in my familty is that my great grandfather was in that situation until he died in a spectacular train crash.
    Use it, use it, use it while you still have it.

  65. #565
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    Maybe it's only my generation who'll get this one:

    In 1960 Bill goes to collect his new girlfriend Suzanne from her house. Suzanne’s father answers the door and invites him in.

    He asks Bill where they're going and what they're going to do..

    Bill says they’ll probably just go to a cafe and talk.

    Suzanne’s father suggests, “Why don’t you kids go out and screw? I hear all of the kids are doing it.”

    Bill was shocked. “What?”

    “Oh yes, Sue loves screwing. She’ll do it all night if we don't stop her.”

    Suzanne comes downstairs and and they go off on their date, but shortly after Suzanne races back into the house with her blouse and bra undone, slams the door behind her, and yells at her father,

    “Dad! The Twist! It’s called the Twist!”
    As little bike as possible, as silent as possible.
    Latitude: 57º36' Highlands, Scotland

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    50+ Joke Thread-image052.jpg

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  68. #568
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    A blonde heard that baths in milk would make her beautiful. She left a note for her milkman to leave 25 gallons of milk.

    When the milkman read the note, he felt there must be a mistake. He thought she probably meant 2.5 gallons.

    So he knocked on the door to clarify the point.

    The blonde came to the door and the milkman said, "I found your note asking me to leave 25 gallons of milk. Did you mean 2.5 gallons?"

    The blonde said, "No, I want 25 gallons. I'm going to fill my bathtub up with milk and take a milk bath so I can look young and beautiful again."

    The milkman asked, "Do you want it pasteurized?
    ...............



    The blonde said, "No, just up to my boobs ...I can splash it on my eyes if I need to!"

  69. #569
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    Southern Divorce

    A judge was interviewing a South Carolina woman regarding her pending divorce and asks, "What are the grounds for your divorce?"
    "About four acres and a nice little home in the middle of the property with a stream running by."
    "No," he said, "I mean what is the foundation of this case?"
    "It is made of concrete, brick, and mortar," she responded.

    "I mean," he continued, "what are your relations like?"
    "I have an aunt and uncle and 12 cousins living here in town, as well as my husband's parents."

    The judge took a deep breath and asked,
    "Do you have a real grudge?"
    "No, we have a two-car carport and have never really needed one cuz we don't have a car."

    "Please," he tried again, "is there any infidelity in your marriage?"
    "Yes, both my son and daughter have stereo sets. We don't necessarily like the music - all that hip hop and rap trap -but we can't seem to do anything about it."

    "Ma'am, does your husband ever beat you up?"
    "Yes, he gets up every morning before I do and makes the coffee."

    The judge asked, "Is your husband a nagger?"
    "Oh, hell no, he's as white as you and me!"

    Finally, in frustration, the judge asked,
    "Lady, why in hell do you want a divorce?
    "Oh, I don't want a divorce," she replied. "I've never wanted a divorce, my husband does.
    The damn fool says he can't communicate with me."

  70. #570
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    Lol!

  71. #571
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    Quote Originally Posted by honkinunit View Post
    Here in Colorado, they have pain solutions with names like Skywalker and Grape Ape.

    No stomach problems.
    No stomach problems - really?

    https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Cannab...mesis_syndrome

    However, some researchers are now thinking that the stomach problems come from an organic insecticide used on pot grows called "neem oil".

    It has not been tested or evaluated for use on pot or other crops in the us. Grow, don't buy!
    My mantra: Hike, Bike, Paddle, Ski

  72. #572
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    Throwback Thursday

    50+ Joke Thread-29496160_10215752222867491_1426558071513022464_n.jpg
    F*ck Cancer

    Eat your veggies

  73. #573
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    50+ Joke Thread-29684091_308969656297868_1076333462035967543_n.jpg
    F*ck Cancer

    Eat your veggies

  74. #574
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    When your wife says she needs a new broom,
    It's best not to ask if she broke the last one In a crash landing.
    “I seek only the Flow”,
    Climbing Is Supposed To Be Hard,
    Shut Up Legs :P

  75. #575
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    50+ Joke Thread-30442888_10209339751085300_5641740925446127616_n.jpg
    F*ck Cancer

    Eat your veggies

  76. #576
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    She must not be a California Cow.
    The most expensive bike in the world is still cheaper than the cheapest open heart surgery.

  77. #577
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    Rodeo Dr. Cow

  78. #578
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    50+ Joke Thread-17884416_778490028992598_6200192795380620148_n.jpg
    F*ck Cancer

    Eat your veggies

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  81. #581
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    Quote Originally Posted by Tribble Me View Post
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    I hate it when I see an old person then realize it's a mirror.
    There are two types of people in this world:
    1) Those who can extrapolate from incomplete data

  82. #582
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    Quote Originally Posted by chazpat View Post
    I hate it when I see an old person then realize it's a mirror.
    Mirror isn't as bad as a computer video camera. Watch yourself in an online video (turn on the camera and look at the screen or worse yet, take a pic) and you'll really wonder what happened to your body from the waist up.
    The most expensive bike in the world is still cheaper than the cheapest open heart surgery.

  83. #583
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    This may have been posted before but the date is actually right this year. 50+ Joke Thread-aage010-copy.jpg

  84. #584
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    [QUOTE=Forster;13626389]Mirror isn't as bad as a computer video camera. Watch yourself in an online video (turn on the camera and look at the screen or worse yet, take a pic) and you'll really wonder what happened to your body from the waist up.[/QUOTE

    So true!!





    50+ Joke Thread-fuxg3wbmldim3ftmm3bcn7j4dumedn2pxh87lzjp7ts.jpg
    F*ck Cancer

    Eat your veggies

  85. #585
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    How many months along would you say he is? At least 7, I'd say, and looks like twins!
    Use it, use it, use it while you still have it.

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    Quote Originally Posted by Gasp4Air View Post
    How many months along would you say he is? At least 7, I'd say, and looks like twins!
    When I was young, I had a great 6 pack. But as I got older, it changed into more of a two-four, and now it's just the whole keg.

  87. #587
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    50+ Joke Thread-31154331_10209487758710676_4368043802309427200_n.jpg
    F*ck Cancer

    Eat your veggies

  88. #588
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    I was sucking air on a climb the other day and swallowed a fly. Thought I was going to die.

  89. #589
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    Joke- new yorker

    50+ Joke Thread-davidfosterwallace.jpg

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    Really?!? DFW reference! You prolly get about 3% reaction.

  91. #591
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    Quote Originally Posted by ddoh View Post
    Really?!? DFW reference! You prolly get about 3% reaction.
    If that-how many folks from Dallas/Fort Worth are on here anyway?

  92. #592
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  93. #593
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    I need a bigger pond

  94. #594
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    [QUOTE=cyclelicious;13626972]
    Quote Originally Posted by Forster View Post
    Mirror isn't as bad as a computer video camera. Watch yourself in an online video (turn on the camera and look at the screen or worse yet, take a pic) and you'll really wonder what happened to your body from the waist up.[/QUOTE

    So true!!





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    You may not look sexier if you drink a lot of Beer, but you'll think you do.
    The most expensive bike in the world is still cheaper than the cheapest open heart surgery.

  95. #595
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    Not sure if these really count but they were sent to me by a friend who is in his 70s


    I was standing at the bar one night minding my own business, when this FAT ugly chick came up behind me, grabbed my behind and said, "You're kind ‘a cute, you gotta phone number?"

    I said, "Yeah you gotta pen?"

    She said, "Yeah I got a pen".

    I said "You better get back in it before the farmer misses you."

    Cost me 6 stitches.....but When you’re seventy.... who cares?




    **********

    I was talking to a young woman in the bar last night.

    She said, "If you lost a few pounds, had a shave and got your hair cut, you'd look all right.”

    I said, “If I did that, I'd be talking to your friends over there instead of you.”

    Cost me a fat lip but.......When you’re seventy….. who cares?




    **********

    I was telling a woman in the pub about my ability to guess what day a woman was born just by feeling her breasts.

    "Really" she said, "Go on then... try."

    After about thirty seconds of fondling she began to lose patience and said, "Come on, what day was I born?" I said "Yesterday."

    Cost me a knee in the nuts but....... When you’re seventy….. who cares?




    ***********

    I went to the bar last night and saw a BIG woman dancing on a table.

    I said, "Great legs!"

    The girl giggled and said, "Do you really think so?"

    I said, "Definitely! Most tables would have collapsed by now."

    Cost me 6 more stitches but..... When you’re seventy……… who cares?
    What a perfect waste of time

  96. #596
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    Veggies can be so sexy

    50+ Joke Thread-30742442_2022455148004403_6375628103347077120_n.jpg

    Mrs Carrot got run over by a lawnmower.
    Dr tells Mr Carrot: "I have good news and bad news."
    Mr Carrot: "What's the good news?"
    Dr.: "Your wife will make it."
    Mr Carrot: "What is the bad news?"
    Dr.: "She's gonna' be a vegetable the rest of her life!"
    F*ck Cancer

    Eat your veggies

  97. #597
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    Toward the end of the Sunday service, the Minister asked, "How many of you
    have forgiven your enemies?"

    80% held up their hands. The Minister then repeated his question.

    All responded this time, except one man, Walter Barnes.

    "Mr. Barnes, are you not willing to forgive your enemies?"

    "I don't have any," he replied gruffly.

    "Mr. Barnes, that is very unusual. How old are you?"

    "Ninety-eight," he replied The congregation stood up and clapped their hands.

    "Oh, Mr. Barnes, would you please come down in front and tell us all how a person
    can live ninety-eight years and not have an enemy in the world?"

    The old golfer tottered down the aisle, stopped in front of the pulpit, turned
    around, faced the congregation, and said simply; "I outlived all them a$$holes."

    Then he calmly returned to his seat.

  98. #598
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    I like his style

    50+ Joke Thread-32089724_10213794432148232_3261084830091182080_n.jpg
    F*ck Cancer

    Eat your veggies

  99. #599
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    This is no joke. Anyone that thinks it's tough being +50 try living to 128!


    Earth's Supposed Oldest Living Person Has Hated Every Day of Her Life
    In sum: Koku Istambulova says she's 128 years old and considers her longevity a punishment from God.

    According to the Russian government, a Chechen woman named Koku Istambulova is 128 years old, which would make her not just the oldest person on earth (the current title holder being Chiyo Miyako, at 117 years old), but older than anyone on record in recent history. Her age is impossible to verify because her documents were lost in the Second Chechen War, but her internal passport reports her birth date as June 1, 1889. And to hear her tell it, she's hated just about every minute since.

    "I have not had a single happy day in my life. I have always worked hard, digging in the garden. I am tired," Istambulova told the Daily Mail. When asked about her secrets for longevity, she said, "It was God's will. I did nothing to make it happen.... Long life is not at all God's gift for me—but a punishment."

    Nineteenth-century Russia was, obviously, a pretty rough place to grow up, and Istambulova has lived through some of the worst incidents of the 20th century. She survived World War I, the Russian Revolution, World War II, and Joseph Stalin's deportation of the entire Chechen nation to Kazakhstan and Siberia ("we felt how the Kazakhs hated us," she said). She remembers being beaten by her grandmother for not dressing modestly enough as a child, and constantly digging holes and planting watermelons. Her children have all died, including a daughter who lived until she was 104.

    There's no lesson here, because, well, that's life. "Looking back at my unhappy life, I wish I had died when I was young," she told the Mail. "When I was working, my days were running one by one. And now I am not living, I am just dragging through."

    Her birthday is in just a couple weeks!
    50+ Joke Thread-uim0ofy7.jpg


    sauce https://www.vice.com/en_us/article/9...tm_source=dmfb
    F*ck Cancer

    Eat your veggies

  100. #600
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    I'm not sure I want to live anywhere near that long. Frankly, I'd be good with living as many health days as possible and no more. I think if I saw a grandchild graduate from high school I'd feel like I'd covered the bases. I remember my grandmother at 98 she could still read and taste food and seemed light hearted but by 99 she was pretty disheartened, died shortly thereafter.
    The most expensive bike in the world is still cheaper than the cheapest open heart surgery.

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