Page 5 of 5 FirstFirst 12345
Results 401 to 416 of 416

Thread: 50+ Joke Thread

  1. #401
    mtbr member
    Reputation:
    Join Date
    Aug 2012
    Posts
    223
    The wedding .....

    A father texts his son:

    "My Dear Son,

    Today is a day you will treasure for all the days of your life.

    My best love and good wishes.
    Your Father."




    His Son texts back:

    "Thanks Dad. But the wedding isn't actually until tomorrow!"

    His Father replies:

    "I know."

  2. #402
    mtbr member
    Reputation:
    Join Date
    Aug 2012
    Posts
    223
    A father put his 3 year old daughter to bed, told her a story and listened to her prayers which ended by saying: "God
    bless Mommy, God bless Daddy, and God bless Grandma and goodbye Grandpa." The father asked, "Why did you say goodbye Grandpa?" The little girl said, "I don't know, Daddy, it just seemed like the thing to do."

    The next day grandpa died.

    The father thought it was a strange coincidence. A few months later the father put the girl to bed and
    listened to her prayers which went like this: "God bless Mommy, God Bless Daddy and goodbye Grandma."

    The next day the grandmother died.

    "Holy Moly, thought the father, "this kid is in contact with the other side." Several weeks later when the girl was going to bed the dad heard her say: "God bless Mommy and goodbye Daddy." He practically went into shock. He couldn't sleep all night and got up at the Crack of dawn to go to his office. He was nervous as a cat all day, had lunch and watched the clock. He figured if he could get by until midnight he would be okay. He felt safe in the office, so instead of going home at the end of the day he stayed there, drinking coffee, looking at his watch and jumping at every sound. Finally, midnight arrived, he breathed a sigh of relief and went home.

    When he got home his wife said, "I've never seen you work so late, what's the matter?" He said, "I don't want to talk about it, I've just spent the worst day of my life."

    She said, "You think you had a bad day, you'll never believe what happened to me this morning. My golf pro dropped dead in the middle of my lesson."

  3. #403
    mtbr member
    Reputation: Gasp4Air's Avatar
    Join Date
    Jun 2009
    Posts
    2,965
    An old chestnut...

    Best man's speech at the wedding party: "I never know what true happiness was until I got married. But then it was too late."

    Ba-da-boom
    Use it, use it, use it while you still have it.

  4. #404
    9 lives
    Reputation: cyclelicious's Avatar
    Join Date
    Oct 2008
    Posts
    11,813
    Name:  20952922_1460372067382881_4496448048421037410_n.jpg
Views: 331
Size:  27.1 KB
    F*ck Cancer

    Eat your veggies

  5. #405
    9 lives
    Reputation: cyclelicious's Avatar
    Join Date
    Oct 2008
    Posts
    11,813
    50+ Joke Thread-10013813_841847592498836_1170134912_n.jpg
    F*ck Cancer

    Eat your veggies

  6. #406
    9 lives
    Reputation: cyclelicious's Avatar
    Join Date
    Oct 2008
    Posts
    11,813
    50+ Joke Thread-19149317_1944593712475191_668405209219202825_n.jpg
    F*ck Cancer

    Eat your veggies

  7. #407
    mtbr member
    Reputation:
    Join Date
    Aug 2012
    Posts
    223
    Little Johnny's kindergarten class was on a field trip to their local police station where they saw pictures tacked to a bulletin board of the 10 most wanted criminals. One of the youngsters pointed to a picture and asked if it really was the photo of a wanted person. 'Yes,' said the policeman. 'The detectives want very badly to capture him. 'Little Johnny asked, 'Why didn't you keep him when you took his picture?'




    Little Johnny attended a horse auction with his father. He watched as his father moved from horse to horse, running his hands up and down the horse's legs and rump, and chest. After a few minutes, Johnny asked, 'Dad, why are you doing that?' His father replied, 'Because when I'm buying horses, I have to make sure that they are healthy and in good shape before I buy. Johnny, looking worried, said, 'Dad, I think the UPS guy wants to buy Mom.



    A new teacher was trying to make use of her psychology courses. She started her class by saying, 'Everyone who thinks they're stupid, stand up!' After a few seconds, Little Johnny stood up. The teacher said, 'Do you think you're stupid, Little Johnny?'
    'No, ma'am, but I hate to see you standing there all by yourself!'



    Little Johnny watched, fascinated, as his mother smoothed cold cream on her face. 'Why do you do that, mommy?' he asked. 'To make myself beautiful,' said his mother, who then began removing the cream with a tissue. 'What's the matter?' asked Little Johnny. 'Giving up?'



    The math teacher saw that little Johnny wasn't paying attention in class. She called on him and said,
    'Johnny! What are 2 and 4 and 28 and 44?' Little Johnny quickly replied, 'NBC, FOX, ESPN and the Cartoon Network!'

  8. #408
    mtbr member
    Reputation:
    Join Date
    Jan 2014
    Posts
    229
    A lady in her late 40's went to a plastic surgeon for a face lift. The doctor told her of a new procedure called "The Knob".

    This small knob is implanted on the back of a woman's head, and can be turned to tighten up the skin to produce the effect of a brand new facelift forever.

    Of course, the woman wanted "The Knob".
    Fifteen years later the woman went back to the surgeon with 2 problems.

    "All these years everything had been working just fine. I've had to turn the knob on several occasions, and I've loved the results. BUT... Now I've developed two annoying problems. First of all, I've got these terrible bags under my eyes and the knob won't get rid of them..."
    The doctor looked at her and said, "Don't worry,Those aren't bags, those are your breasts".

    She replied, "Oh, well, I guess that explains the goatee..."

  9. #409
    mtbr member
    Reputation: Velobike's Avatar
    Join Date
    Jun 2007
    Posts
    6,551
    When I was a young lad in my 50s, I really looked forward to turning 60.

    I was devastated when I discovered that sexagenarian didn't mean what I thought it did.
    As little bike as possible, as silent as possible.
    Latitude: 57º36' Highlands, Scotland

  10. #410
    mtbr member
    Reputation:
    Join Date
    Dec 2007
    Posts
    3,360
    I've always like Little Johnny.

    Quote Originally Posted by Tribble Me View Post
    Little Johnny's kindergarten class was on a field trip to their local police station where they saw pictures tacked to a bulletin board of the 10 most wanted criminals. One of the youngsters pointed to a picture and asked if it really was the photo of a wanted person. 'Yes,' said the policeman. 'The detectives want very badly to capture him. 'Little Johnny asked, 'Why didn't you keep him when you took his picture?'




    Little Johnny attended a horse auction with his father. He watched as his father moved from horse to horse, running his hands up and down the horse's legs and rump, and chest. After a few minutes, Johnny asked, 'Dad, why are you doing that?' His father replied, 'Because when I'm buying horses, I have to make sure that they are healthy and in good shape before I buy. Johnny, looking worried, said, 'Dad, I think the UPS guy wants to buy Mom.



    A new teacher was trying to make use of her psychology courses. She started her class by saying, 'Everyone who thinks they're stupid, stand up!' After a few seconds, Little Johnny stood up. The teacher said, 'Do you think you're stupid, Little Johnny?'
    'No, ma'am, but I hate to see you standing there all by yourself!'



    Little Johnny watched, fascinated, as his mother smoothed cold cream on her face. 'Why do you do that, mommy?' he asked. 'To make myself beautiful,' said his mother, who then began removing the cream with a tissue. 'What's the matter?' asked Little Johnny. 'Giving up?'



    The math teacher saw that little Johnny wasn't paying attention in class. She called on him and said,
    'Johnny! What are 2 and 4 and 28 and 44?' Little Johnny quickly replied, 'NBC, FOX, ESPN and the Cartoon Network!'

  11. #411
    mtbr member
    Reputation:
    Join Date
    Oct 2016
    Posts
    408

    This been posted yet?
    DAMN THE MUD, FULL SPEED AHEAD!!

  12. #412
    9 lives
    Reputation: cyclelicious's Avatar
    Join Date
    Oct 2008
    Posts
    11,813
    50+ Joke Thread-21686431_10211467631419701_2391578720048919332_n.jpg
    F*ck Cancer

    Eat your veggies

  13. #413
    mtbr member
    Reputation: Velobike's Avatar
    Join Date
    Jun 2007
    Posts
    6,551
    Quote Originally Posted by cyclelicious View Post
    Click image for larger version. 

Name:	21686431_10211467631419701_2391578720048919332_n.jpg 
Views:	34 
Size:	147.3 KB 
ID:	1157489
    Alas, that's very topical right now.
    As little bike as possible, as silent as possible.
    Latitude: 57º36' Highlands, Scotland

  14. #414
    Get on your bike and ride
    Reputation: Forster's Avatar
    Join Date
    Sep 2013
    Posts
    3,243
    Quote Originally Posted by OlMarin View Post

    This been posted yet?
    Probably goes in the Squirrel thread.
    The most expensive bike in the world is still cheaper than the cheapest open heart surgery.

  15. #415
    mtbr member
    Reputation:
    Join Date
    Aug 2012
    Posts
    223
    John and Bill, two friends of equal ability decide to play a round of golf together and “play it as it lies” on all shots. Both hit their tee shots on the the first hole, a long par-5, straight down the middle of the fairway, 260 yards away.

    They drive up for their second shots and John hits his shot again down the middle, setting up an easy approach. But Bill slices his second shot over into the trees and it ends up on the cart path of the adjoining hole.

    “Guess I get a free drop from the cart path,” Bill says.

    “Oh no,” says his friend. “We agreed; play it as it lies.”

    So, Bill drops John off in front of the green and drives over to his ball on the cart path. John watches in amusement as sparks shower down from the practice swings of his opponent and then he looks on in amazement as Bill hits a perfectly struck shot that lands on the green and rolls to within three feet of the pin.

    Pleased, Bill drives up to the green as John approaches.

    “Great shot back there!” John said. “What club did you use?”

    Bill smiled and replied, “Your six iron.”

  16. #416
    9 lives
    Reputation: cyclelicious's Avatar
    Join Date
    Oct 2008
    Posts
    11,813
    Name:  b6b7b86556416b23ae63f184f2327afa--man-humor-funny-humour.jpg
Views: 68
Size:  20.5 KB
    F*ck Cancer

    Eat your veggies

Page 5 of 5 FirstFirst 12345

Similar Threads

  1. Is that joke?
    By bbbbking in forum 29er Bikes
    Replies: 19
    Last Post: 08-04-2014, 03:11 PM
  2. Fox forks are a joke...
    By Thimk in forum Shocks and Suspension
    Replies: 71
    Last Post: 02-20-2014, 03:21 PM
  3. What a joke...
    By luckybastard in forum Arizona
    Replies: 25
    Last Post: 02-14-2014, 01:05 PM
  4. is it a joke?
    By car bone in forum Where are the Best Deals?
    Replies: 6
    Last Post: 07-09-2012, 10:21 AM
  5. O.T....Joke of the week...
    By SHIVER ME TIMBERS in forum Downhill - Freeride
    Replies: 10
    Last Post: 07-22-2011, 08:33 AM

Members who have read this thread: 263

Posting Permissions

  • You may not post new threads
  • You may not post replies
  • You may not post attachments
  • You may not edit your posts
  •