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Thread: 50+ Joke Thread

  1. #401
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    The wedding .....

    A father texts his son:

    "My Dear Son,

    Today is a day you will treasure for all the days of your life.

    My best love and good wishes.
    Your Father."




    His Son texts back:

    "Thanks Dad. But the wedding isn't actually until tomorrow!"

    His Father replies:

    "I know."

  2. #402
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    A father put his 3 year old daughter to bed, told her a story and listened to her prayers which ended by saying: "God
    bless Mommy, God bless Daddy, and God bless Grandma and goodbye Grandpa." The father asked, "Why did you say goodbye Grandpa?" The little girl said, "I don't know, Daddy, it just seemed like the thing to do."

    The next day grandpa died.

    The father thought it was a strange coincidence. A few months later the father put the girl to bed and
    listened to her prayers which went like this: "God bless Mommy, God Bless Daddy and goodbye Grandma."

    The next day the grandmother died.

    "Holy Moly, thought the father, "this kid is in contact with the other side." Several weeks later when the girl was going to bed the dad heard her say: "God bless Mommy and goodbye Daddy." He practically went into shock. He couldn't sleep all night and got up at the Crack of dawn to go to his office. He was nervous as a cat all day, had lunch and watched the clock. He figured if he could get by until midnight he would be okay. He felt safe in the office, so instead of going home at the end of the day he stayed there, drinking coffee, looking at his watch and jumping at every sound. Finally, midnight arrived, he breathed a sigh of relief and went home.

    When he got home his wife said, "I've never seen you work so late, what's the matter?" He said, "I don't want to talk about it, I've just spent the worst day of my life."

    She said, "You think you had a bad day, you'll never believe what happened to me this morning. My golf pro dropped dead in the middle of my lesson."

  3. #403
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    An old chestnut...

    Best man's speech at the wedding party: "I never know what true happiness was until I got married. But then it was too late."

    Ba-da-boom
    Use it, use it, use it while you still have it.

  4. #404
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    F*ck Cancer

    Eat your veggies

  5. #405
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    50+ Joke Thread-10013813_841847592498836_1170134912_n.jpg
    F*ck Cancer

    Eat your veggies

  6. #406
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    50+ Joke Thread-19149317_1944593712475191_668405209219202825_n.jpg
    F*ck Cancer

    Eat your veggies

  7. #407
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    Little Johnny's kindergarten class was on a field trip to their local police station where they saw pictures tacked to a bulletin board of the 10 most wanted criminals. One of the youngsters pointed to a picture and asked if it really was the photo of a wanted person. 'Yes,' said the policeman. 'The detectives want very badly to capture him. 'Little Johnny asked, 'Why didn't you keep him when you took his picture?'




    Little Johnny attended a horse auction with his father. He watched as his father moved from horse to horse, running his hands up and down the horse's legs and rump, and chest. After a few minutes, Johnny asked, 'Dad, why are you doing that?' His father replied, 'Because when I'm buying horses, I have to make sure that they are healthy and in good shape before I buy. Johnny, looking worried, said, 'Dad, I think the UPS guy wants to buy Mom.



    A new teacher was trying to make use of her psychology courses. She started her class by saying, 'Everyone who thinks they're stupid, stand up!' After a few seconds, Little Johnny stood up. The teacher said, 'Do you think you're stupid, Little Johnny?'
    'No, ma'am, but I hate to see you standing there all by yourself!'



    Little Johnny watched, fascinated, as his mother smoothed cold cream on her face. 'Why do you do that, mommy?' he asked. 'To make myself beautiful,' said his mother, who then began removing the cream with a tissue. 'What's the matter?' asked Little Johnny. 'Giving up?'



    The math teacher saw that little Johnny wasn't paying attention in class. She called on him and said,
    'Johnny! What are 2 and 4 and 28 and 44?' Little Johnny quickly replied, 'NBC, FOX, ESPN and the Cartoon Network!'

  8. #408
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    A lady in her late 40's went to a plastic surgeon for a face lift. The doctor told her of a new procedure called "The Knob".

    This small knob is implanted on the back of a woman's head, and can be turned to tighten up the skin to produce the effect of a brand new facelift forever.

    Of course, the woman wanted "The Knob".
    Fifteen years later the woman went back to the surgeon with 2 problems.

    "All these years everything had been working just fine. I've had to turn the knob on several occasions, and I've loved the results. BUT... Now I've developed two annoying problems. First of all, I've got these terrible bags under my eyes and the knob won't get rid of them..."
    The doctor looked at her and said, "Don't worry,Those aren't bags, those are your breasts".

    She replied, "Oh, well, I guess that explains the goatee..."

  9. #409
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    When I was a young lad in my 50s, I really looked forward to turning 60.

    I was devastated when I discovered that sexagenarian didn't mean what I thought it did.
    As little bike as possible, as silent as possible.
    Latitude: 57º36' Highlands, Scotland

  10. #410
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    I've always like Little Johnny.

    Quote Originally Posted by Tribble Me View Post
    Little Johnny's kindergarten class was on a field trip to their local police station where they saw pictures tacked to a bulletin board of the 10 most wanted criminals. One of the youngsters pointed to a picture and asked if it really was the photo of a wanted person. 'Yes,' said the policeman. 'The detectives want very badly to capture him. 'Little Johnny asked, 'Why didn't you keep him when you took his picture?'




    Little Johnny attended a horse auction with his father. He watched as his father moved from horse to horse, running his hands up and down the horse's legs and rump, and chest. After a few minutes, Johnny asked, 'Dad, why are you doing that?' His father replied, 'Because when I'm buying horses, I have to make sure that they are healthy and in good shape before I buy. Johnny, looking worried, said, 'Dad, I think the UPS guy wants to buy Mom.



    A new teacher was trying to make use of her psychology courses. She started her class by saying, 'Everyone who thinks they're stupid, stand up!' After a few seconds, Little Johnny stood up. The teacher said, 'Do you think you're stupid, Little Johnny?'
    'No, ma'am, but I hate to see you standing there all by yourself!'



    Little Johnny watched, fascinated, as his mother smoothed cold cream on her face. 'Why do you do that, mommy?' he asked. 'To make myself beautiful,' said his mother, who then began removing the cream with a tissue. 'What's the matter?' asked Little Johnny. 'Giving up?'



    The math teacher saw that little Johnny wasn't paying attention in class. She called on him and said,
    'Johnny! What are 2 and 4 and 28 and 44?' Little Johnny quickly replied, 'NBC, FOX, ESPN and the Cartoon Network!'

  11. #411
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    This been posted yet?
    DAMN THE MUD, FULL SPEED AHEAD!!

  12. #412
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    50+ Joke Thread-21686431_10211467631419701_2391578720048919332_n.jpg
    F*ck Cancer

    Eat your veggies

  13. #413
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    Quote Originally Posted by cyclelicious View Post
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    Alas, that's very topical right now.
    As little bike as possible, as silent as possible.
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  14. #414
    oh my TVC 15
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    Quote Originally Posted by OlMarin View Post

    This been posted yet?
    Probably goes in the Squirrel thread.
    The most expensive bike in the world is still cheaper than the cheapest open heart surgery.

  15. #415
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    John and Bill, two friends of equal ability decide to play a round of golf together and “play it as it lies” on all shots. Both hit their tee shots on the the first hole, a long par-5, straight down the middle of the fairway, 260 yards away.

    They drive up for their second shots and John hits his shot again down the middle, setting up an easy approach. But Bill slices his second shot over into the trees and it ends up on the cart path of the adjoining hole.

    “Guess I get a free drop from the cart path,” Bill says.

    “Oh no,” says his friend. “We agreed; play it as it lies.”

    So, Bill drops John off in front of the green and drives over to his ball on the cart path. John watches in amusement as sparks shower down from the practice swings of his opponent and then he looks on in amazement as Bill hits a perfectly struck shot that lands on the green and rolls to within three feet of the pin.

    Pleased, Bill drives up to the green as John approaches.

    “Great shot back there!” John said. “What club did you use?”

    Bill smiled and replied, “Your six iron.”

  16. #416
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    F*ck Cancer

    Eat your veggies

  17. #417
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    There was a group of mountainbikers who went cycling weekly.

    Rain, sleet, snow or shine they never missed their ride.

    One day as they were coming to the end of their ride they came to a stop at an intersection and noticed a funeral procession coming from their left.

    As it passed one rider immediately got off his bike, took off his helmet, and bowed his head.

    After the procession had passed the surprised others turned to this fellow and said " Mike, that certainly was very respectful".

    Mike turned to his friends and said" It's the least I could do, she was a wonderful wife".

    As little bike as possible, as silent as possible.
    Latitude: 57º36' Highlands, Scotland

  18. #418
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  19. #419
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    An Irishman was drinking in a bar in London when he gets a call on his phone.

    He orders drinks for everybody in the bar as he announces his wife has just produced a typical Irish baby boy weighing 25 pounds.

    Nobody can believe that any new baby can weigh in at 25 pounds, but the man just shrugs, "That's about average up our way, folks... like I said my boy's a typical County Clare baby boy."

    Two weeks later the man returns to the bar.

    The bartender says, "Say, aren't you the father of that typical Irish baby that weighed 25 pounds at birth? Everybody's been making' bets about how big he'd be in two weeks .... so how much does he weigh now?"

    The proud father answers, "Seventeen pounds."

    The bartender is puzzled and concerned. "What happened? You said he was 25 pounds the day he was born."

    The father takes a slow swig of his Jameson Irish Whisky, wipes his lips on his shirt sleeve, leans into the bartender and proudly says, "Had him circumcised."

  20. #420
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    (borrowed from FBook)
    As little bike as possible, as silent as possible.
    Latitude: 57º36' Highlands, Scotland

  21. #421
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    ^^lol
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    Giggity!

  22. #422
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    50+ Joke Thread-whatever-happened-dunce-cap-dunce-ohright-style-change-13877565.png
    F*ck Cancer

    Eat your veggies

  23. #423
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    These days it's spelled with a T.

    Quote Originally Posted by cyclelicious View Post
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  24. #424
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    Cool-blue Rhythm

    Never Pass a bathroom,
    Never Trust a Fart,
    and
    Never EVER waste a Hard On !

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    “I seek only the Flow”, "27.5+ Hard Tails Rock"
    My Scooter : 2017 Scott Scale 720 Plus

  25. #425
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    Cool-blue Rhythm

    123
    “I seek only the Flow”, "27.5+ Hard Tails Rock"
    My Scooter : 2017 Scott Scale 720 Plus

  26. #426
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    Never waste a what?
    DAMN THE MUD, FULL SPEED AHEAD!!

  27. #427
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    Quote Originally Posted by OlMarin View Post
    Never waste a what?
    You remember, it's that thing that happened to you in middle school whenever the teacher called you to the board

    Now those were the days!

  28. #428
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    Quote Originally Posted by Nurse Ben View Post
    You remember, it's that thing that happened to you in middle school whenever the teacher called you to the board

    Now those were the days!
    I don't recall. They say as you get older the memory is the 2nd thing to go. I forgot what the 1st is
    DAMN THE MUD, FULL SPEED AHEAD!!

  29. #429
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    ^^
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  30. #430
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    ----------- __o
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    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qqpcBpSsj1A

  31. #431
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    Od man goes to the doc saying he feels great but his friends say he looks really bad. After all the BP. pulse, cholesterol checks the doc is dumbfounded. Gets out his med books.
    Looks good, feels good...nope
    Looks bad, feels bad...nope.
    Looks bad, feels great.....here it is.
    Sir, you're a vagina
    DAMN THE MUD, FULL SPEED AHEAD!!

  32. #432
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    The pastor's wife was expecting a baby,
    so the pastor stood before the congregation and asked for a raise.
    After much discussion, they passed a rule that
    whenever the pastor's family expanded;... so would his paycheck.

    After 6 children, this started to get expensive and the congregation decided to
    hold another meeting to discuss the pastor's expanding salary.

    A great deal of yelling and inner bickering ensued, as to how much the pastor's
    additional children were costing the church, and how much more it could potentially cost.

    After listening to them for about an hour, the pastor rose from his chair and spoke,
    "Children are a gift from God, and we will take as many gifts as He gives us."

    Silence fell over the congregation.

    In the back pew, a little old 90 year old lady struggled to stand, and finally said in her frail voice...
    "Rain is a gift from God, but when we get too much of it, we wear rubbers."

  33. #433
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    Quote Originally Posted by Phillbo View Post
    Road Head is possible in any car.
    My significant other is game, but neither a Lotus 7 nor an Esprit are all that suitable.

  34. #434
    Cycologist
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    Quote Originally Posted by Super Seven Cosworth View Post
    My significant other is game, but neither a Lotus 7 nor an Esprit are all that suitable.
    Cool, what's her number?
    There are two types of people in this world:
    1) Those who can extrapolate from incomplete data

  35. #435
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    If things can happen in a Mini Coop, I'm convinced any car will do.
    2016 SC Heckler R build
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    Nashbar 29er (Rigid)

    Giggity!

  36. #436
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    I have fond memories from a 1967 VW bug, but I was a lot more flexible then.
    Use it, use it, use it while you still have it.

  37. #437
    turtles make me hot
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    1969 Charger. Had a girlfriend that had a 79 Caprice Classic. That car had a ton of room and she was short. She could sorta stand in it.
    I like turtles

  38. #438
    9 lives
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    50+ Joke Thread-22519074_1695189810556216_4106507561264577009_n.jpg
    F*ck Cancer

    Eat your veggies

  39. #439
    9 lives
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    50+ Joke Thread-0ebn3mt.jpg
    F*ck Cancer

    Eat your veggies

  40. #440
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    50+ Joke Thread-top.jpg

  41. #441
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  42. #442
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    Quote Originally Posted by Tribble Me View Post
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    I like that one, it fits my mood after a long day at work

  43. #443
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    Have you ever been guilty of looking at other people your own age and thinking "Surely I can't look THAT old!". Well, you're gonna LOVE this one.

    My name is Carol Jansen, and recently, I was sitting in the waiting room for my first appointment with a new dentist. I noticed his DDS diploma hanging on the wall which bore his full name.

    I remembered a tall, handsome, dark-haired boy with the same name had been in my high school class some forty-plus years ago. Could he be the same guy that I had a secret crush on way back then?

    Upon seeing him, however, I quickly discarded any such thought. This balding, gray-haired man with the deeply lined face was WAY too old to have been my classmate. After he examined my teeth I asked him if he had attended Elmwood Park High School. 'Yes, yes I did. I'm a Tiger!' he gleamed with pride. 'When did you graduate?', I asked. He answered 'In 1975. Why do you ask?' 'You were in my class!', I exclaimed. He looked at me closely and carefully, then that old, decrepit, balding fat-ass son-of-a-bitch asked...

    'What did you teach?'

  44. #444
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    Guy goes to the Dr. to pick up his wife's results from some extensive tests.

    The Dr. tells him: "we have a problem sir, we have mixed your wife's exams with another patient, and we are not sure if she has HIV or Alzheimer's"

    Puzzled, the guy goes WTF am I suppose to do?

    Which the Dr. replied: "Take her to the forest, leave her there, IF she returns home? Don't sleep with her.
    2016 SC Heckler R build
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    Nashbar 29er (Rigid)

    Giggity!

  45. #445
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    The Kentucky Sun Post reported that a woman, one Anne Banyard, has sued St Joan's hospital, saying that after her husband had surgery there, he lost all interest in sex.

    A hospital spokesman replied ... "Mr. Banyard was admitted in Ophthalmology – all we did was correct his eyesight."

  46. #446
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    After a tiring day, a commuter settled down in his seat and closed his eyes.
    As the train rolled out of the station, the young woman sitting next to him pulled
    out her cell phone and started talking in a loud voice:
    "Hi sweetheart. It's Sue. I'm on the train".
    "Yes, I know it's the six thirty and not the four thirty, but I had a long meeting".
    "No, honey, not with Kevin from the accounting office. It was with the boss".
    "No sweetheart, you're the only one in my life".
    "Yes, I'm sure, cross my heart!"
    Fifteen minutes later, she was still talking loudly.

    When the man sitting next to her had enough, he leaned over and said into the phone,
    "Sue, hang up the phone and come back to bed."

    Sue doesn't use her cell phone in public any longer.

  47. #447
    9 lives
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    F*ck Cancer

    Eat your veggies

  48. #448
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    Not a joke, but I figured this was the best place to drop this in.

    Even in the 1890s they were nostalgic about the 'old days'.

    As little bike as possible, as silent as possible.
    Latitude: 57º36' Highlands, Scotland

  49. #449
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    A 12 year old boy living on a farm gets out of bed and walks down the stairs to the kitchen. Sits down at the kitchen table to an empty plate. He asks his mom, where’s breakfast?

    His mother says you’re not getting any breakfast until you feeds the chicken, pig and cow.

    The little boy stomps out of the house with an attitude. Stomps over and feeds the chicken, then kicks the chicken.

    Stomps over and feeds the pig, then kicks the pig.

    Stomps over and feeds the cow, then kicks the cow.

    He then stomps into the house, still with an attitude, plops his butt down at the kitchen table to an empty plate. He asks his mother, where’s my breakfast?

    His mother says, you kicked the pig the chicken and the cow. No eggs bacon or milk for you young man.

    Right about that time the father walks down the stairs and at the bottom kicks the cat.

    The little boy looks at his mother and says, do you want me to tell him, or do you want to?
    Last edited by DIRTJUNKIE; 11-04-2017 at 08:57 AM.
    ----------- __o
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    ************^^^^¯\_(ツ)_/¯

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  50. #450
    Don't worry, be happy!
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    Seasonally relevant.
    Attached Thumbnails Attached Thumbnails 50+ Joke Thread-22852215_10155993700406694_4601269843009155902_n.jpg  


  51. #451
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    Joe's wife Mary was about to hit the big 60, so he asked her, “If you could have anything, what would you really like for your birthday?”

    Mary said, “I’d give anything to be fifteen again.”

    On the morning of Mary's birthday, they got up early and they went to a Theme Park. Joe put her on every ride in the park; Amazing Roller Coaster, Screaming Loop, Tunnel of Fear and many others.

    Mary had every ride in park. She staggered out of the theme park five hours later. Her head was turning and got nausea. Then they went to the movie theater where they ate popcorn and sweets and drank coke. They really tired. At last they came home and collapsed into bed.

    Joe leaned over and asked, “Well, dear, what was it like being fifteen again?”

    One eye opened and she groaned, “Actually, honey, I meant dress size!”
    As little bike as possible, as silent as possible.
    Latitude: 57º36' Highlands, Scotland

  52. #452
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    Ha!
    2016 SC Heckler R build
    2014 All City Macho Man Disc
    Nashbar 29er (Rigid)

    Giggity!

  53. #453
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    I went to the liquor store Tuesday afternoon on my bicycle, bought a bottle of Rum and put it in the bicycle basket.
    As I was about to leave, I thought to myself that if I fell off the bicycle, the bottle would break.
    So I drank all the Rum before I cycled home.
    It turned out to be a very good decision, because I fell off my bicycle seven times on the way home.

  54. #454
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    Quote Originally Posted by Tribble Me View Post
    I went to the liquor store Tuesday afternoon on my bicycle, bought a bottle of Rum and put it in the bicycle basket.
    As I was about to leave, I thought to myself that if I fell off the bicycle, the bottle would break.
    So I drank all the Rum before I cycled home.
    It turned out to be a very good decision, because I fell off my bicycle seven times on the way home.
    That's hilarious! Being a recovered alcoholic I can attest to doing similar.
    DAMN THE MUD, FULL SPEED AHEAD!!

  55. #455
    oh my TVC 15
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    Not a joke, but I find it humorous that I'm getting ads for adult diapers on my email server account now. Not sure what I searched that led the internet to think I need diapers, but they now think I'm in the customer pool.
    The most expensive bike in the world is still cheaper than the cheapest open heart surgery.

  56. #456
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    Quote Originally Posted by Forster View Post
    Not a joke, but I find it humorous that I'm getting ads for adult diapers on my email server account now. Not sure what I searched that led the internet to think I need diapers, but they now think I'm in the customer pool.
    All it takes is one accidental click, and you are doomed! I get women's clothes offerings on the right side of this site, and couldn't tell you how,and is not even Victoria's Secret.
    2016 SC Heckler R build
    2014 All City Macho Man Disc
    Nashbar 29er (Rigid)

    Giggity!

  57. #457
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    I kinda enjoy the yoga pants ads that show up on mine sometimes, I make sure to click on them occasionally so I keep getting them!
    Last edited by Tribble Me; 3 Weeks Ago at 12:42 PM.

  58. #458
    9 lives
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    F*ck Cancer

    Eat your veggies

  59. #459
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    50+ Joke Thread-20161124_090551.jpg

  60. #460
    Old Fart Swamper
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    Cool-blue Rhythm

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    “I seek only the Flow”, "27.5+ Hard Tails Rock"
    My Scooter : 2017 Scott Scale 720 Plus

  61. #461
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    50+ Joke Thread-power-sign.jpg

  62. #462
    oh my TVC 15
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    Quote Originally Posted by Osco View Post
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    That was actually the meme that got Matt Lauer fired.
    The most expensive bike in the world is still cheaper than the cheapest open heart surgery.

  63. #463
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    Throwback Thursday!

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    F*ck Cancer

    Eat your veggies

  64. #464
    oh my TVC 15
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    I'd ride a hundred and ride a hundred more. Guess I'm just an amateur claimer.
    The most expensive bike in the world is still cheaper than the cheapest open heart surgery.

  65. #465
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    50+ Joke Thread-image024.jpg

  66. #466
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    Quote Originally Posted by Tribble Me View Post
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    Lol!
    2016 SC Heckler R build
    2014 All City Macho Man Disc
    Nashbar 29er (Rigid)

    Giggity!

  67. #467
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    50+ Joke Thread-fee177613f17be908a8342d04ecdd558.jpg

  68. #468
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    This popped up on my FB feed from https://m.tickld.com/x/policeman-sto...nt-expect-this:

    A little old lady was walking down the street dragging two large plastic garbage bags behind her.

    One of the bags was ripped, and every once in awhile, a $20 bill fell out onto the sidewalk.

    Noticing this, a Policeman stopped her, and said, "Ma'am, there are $20 bills falling Out of that bag."

    "Oh, really? Darn it!" said the little old lady. "I'd better go back and see if I can find them. Thanks for telling me officer.."

    "Well, now, not so fast," said the cop. "Where did you get all that money? You didn't steal it, did you?"

    "Oh, no, no", said the old lady. "You see, my back yard is right next to the football stadium parking lot. On game days, a lot of fans come and pee through a knot hole in the fence, right into my flower garden. It used to really tick me off. Kills the flowers, you know.

    Then I thought, 'why not make the best of it?' So, now, on game days, I stand behind the fence by the knot hole, real quiet, with my hedge clippers. Every time some guy sticks his pecker through my fence, I surprise him, Grab hold of it and say, 'O.K., buddy! Give me $20, or off it comes.'

    "Well, that seems only fair," said the cop, laughing. "OK. Good luck! Oh, by the way, what's in the other bag?"

    "Well, you know", said the little old lady, "not everybody pays."
    As little bike as possible, as silent as possible.
    Latitude: 57º36' Highlands, Scotland

  69. #469
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    ^^lol!
    2016 SC Heckler R build
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    Nashbar 29er (Rigid)

    Giggity!

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