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  1. #1
    My other ride is your mom
    Reputation: Maadjurguer's Avatar
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    Life will follow

    For the first time in 10 days, I am alone; heart beating, exhaustion taking my body over completely. I am prone on the couch and riding is the last thing on my mind as the panic attack takes over. The anxiety is ever-present from wire to wire; from my first waking moments to my last thoughts at night.

    Out of desperation to change something, ANYTHING; I throw my jersey on and go for a ride. The pedals turn slowly at first but the feeling of freedom lifts the dread from my body; I am flying. For the first time since finding my wife dead on the 9th of July, I am no longer consumed by grief. For the hour of time I have on the bike today, I was me again. For the first time in a while, I am free from fear.

    I return home and the dread falls on me like a skin suit once again. I collapse into my couch with the lights turned off where I will remain here until I go to sleep, but I知 promising myself that I will take this body riding tomorrow where I hope to feel relief all over again in a sweat-covered blur of trail and cactus.

    There is no hope to be found when you lose the love of your life. I lost my job, I'm losing my home, I just lost my wife. Hope for what I once had is a 4-letter word in my twisted paradigm. But real hope comes in finding relief elsewhere. I知 lucky to have such a solid base of biking to fall back upon. I知 lucky to have a bike. I知 lucky to still want to ride, even though I don稚 feel like it.

    34 years old is much too young to die, I tell myself in reflection as I stare at her picture. I then, in a moment of self-examination, realize that my 36 years is too young to die as well. If I知 too young to die, then I need to live. Being sucked into a couch while watching ESPN day in and day out is not living, it is dying. I must ride. I will ride.

    Just ride, life will follow.

  2. #2
    mtbr member
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    Geez dude... don't know what to say other than keep on truckin'. Sounds like you're in a very dark time right now, but keep on pushing through it.

    Thoughts with you man.

    EDIT: Just read part of your blog. Lindsey seems like an amazing woman. So sorry for your loss.

  3. #3
    Ahhh the pain....
    Reputation: Raybum's Avatar
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    Keep you chin up Maad...life will get better.
    Your limits are both physical and mental. Suffering will help you find and overcome both.
    http://onegear-ray.blogspot.com/

  4. #4
    Shovel Ready
    Reputation: Cycle64's Avatar
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    Step forward each day. Knowing things will change for the better.

    My condolences on the loss of your wife.
    Currently at Mayo Clinic being tested for a kidney transplant. Donors welcome.

  5. #5
    ******ed or Branded??
    Reputation: doodooboi's Avatar
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    As I type this, my pandora decides to play "Over the Rainbow" by Israel Kamakawi'wo'ole. Got me all choked up. Sorry for your loss.
    I can't even start to imagine what your going thru. If you need a bro hug let me know.

  6. #6
    mtbr member
    Reputation: brianc's Avatar
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    Your moment of self-examination is a great wake up call to many. even those going through nothing like all that has been thrown at you.

    If you ever feel the need for some company (beer, night ride, weekend trip, etc) , just let me know. I'd even sleep on the ground.

    BTW: "No one F-s with the Jeezus!"
    b

  7. #7
    dirt visionary
    Reputation: clockwork's Avatar
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    wow I am speechless...My condolences. Keep them cranks turning and you will move forward.
    Life should NOT be a journey to the grave with the intention of
    arriving safely in an attractive and well preserved body.

  8. #8
    My other ride is your mom
    Reputation: Maadjurguer's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by doodooboi View Post
    As I type this, my pandora decides to play "Over the Rainbow" by Israel Kamakawi'wo'ole. Got me all choked up. Sorry for your loss.
    I can't even start to imagine what your going thru. If you need a bro hug let me know.
    Very weird....his version was played during a video montage at the ceremony last Friday.....

  9. #9
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    Madd,
    I kind of know what you are going thru.

    11 years ago my now former wife almost died from a tumor after being in a coma for a week. After surviving she decided she wanted a divorce. I had two babies at the time, a business and money.

    I was raped by lawyers. They tried to take my kids. The ran my name in the shitter. I used up all my monies for a battle that I thought would have no end. War is horrible when it is with ones you love.

    Times I wished I were dead. I tried to drink myself to death and that didn't work.

    I stared at my bike hundred if not thousands of hours leaning against my wall thinking I would never enjoy life again.

    Then the day came. I got on my bike and road. A little at first. To the bar. To the corner circle k for smokes and jager.

    Then I took her out on the trail in a drunken ride. It felt good. I was free for a moment.
    I went home, fell back into my lull, but I went out again, and again and again.

    My bike was all I had at that moment. I started riding. I found others to ride with. I dated women that road. But it wasn't easy. It was me and my bike only. And my kids. I had to survive for me first then my family.

    But it came back.

    But very slowly. I wanted it back as fast as I rode. I wanted life that I felt when I rode day to day. It was all I had that couldn't be taken away.

    But it is slow. Looking back I am reminded why I love mountain biking. It has saved my life.

    And life isn't what everyone says it is. Or some fancy jingle.

    Life is about the ride.

    Bless and find peace brother. It will come if you are strong enough for you and you alone. PM me if you need a ear.

    ~azm

  10. #10
    drink coffee, ride.
    Reputation: cookiedough's Avatar
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    maad - sorry for your loss, based on your eulogy, I can't even imagine the loss.

    good ride vibes to you

  11. #11
    mtbr member
    Reputation: BritMtnBiker's Avatar
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    Power to you for starting out with "Life will follow"....beautiful eulogy on your blog. My deepest sympathy for what your going through. I cant even imagine it.

    Be strong and keep riding!

  12. #12
    Elitest thrill junkie
    Reputation: Jayem's Avatar
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    My god, I'm sorry. I take a little comfort knowing that things just happen due to random chance and there is no sick and misguided "master plan" or "reason" things happen, they just happen and we deal with them. I hope you can move on and remain strong.
    "It's only when you stand over it, you know, when you physically stand over the bike, that then you say 'hey, I don't have much stand over height', you know"-T. Ellsworth

    You're turning black metallic.

  13. #13
    mtbr member
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    Quote Originally Posted by Maadjurguer View Post
    For the first time in 10 days, I am alone; heart beating, exhaustion taking my body over completely. I am prone on the couch and riding is the last thing on my mind as the panic attack takes over. The anxiety is ever-present from wire to wire; from my first waking moments to my last thoughts at night.

    Out of desperation to change something, ANYTHING; I throw my jersey on and go for a ride. The pedals turn slowly at first but the feeling of freedom lifts the dread from my body; I am flying. For the first time since finding my wife dead on the 9th of July, I am no longer consumed by grief. For the hour of time I have on the bike today, I was me again. For the first time in a while, I am free from fear.

    I return home and the dread falls on me like a skin suit once again. I collapse into my couch with the lights turned off where I will remain here until I go to sleep, but I知 promising myself that I will take this body riding tomorrow where I hope to feel relief all over again in a sweat-covered blur of trail and cactus.

    There is no hope to be found when you lose the love of your life. I lost my job, I'm losing my home, I just lost my wife. Hope for what I once had is a 4-letter word in my twisted paradigm. But real hope comes in finding relief elsewhere. I知 lucky to have such a solid base of biking to fall back upon. I知 lucky to have a bike. I知 lucky to still want to ride, even though I don稚 feel like it.

    34 years old is much too young to die, I tell myself in reflection as I stare at her picture. I then, in a moment of self-examination, realize that my 36 years is too young to die as well. If I知 too young to die, then I need to live. Being sucked into a couch while watching ESPN day in and day out is not living, it is dying. I must ride. I will ride.

    Just ride, life will follow.
    Can't even imagine what you are going through, and hope you can find some solace and understanding in the things that make you get up in the morning. I know I speak for all of us, but you're in our hearts.
    Rarely adds anything productive to threads

  14. #14
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    Reputation: rockman's Avatar
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    I am so sorry, My condolences to you and her family. Our thoughts are with you. Stay strong.

  15. #15
    pedaller
    Reputation: Noelg's Avatar
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    It's obvious how much you love Lindsey and how much she will be missed. I don't know what to say other than: Let's ride.

    Tomorrow morning or whenever....

    South Mountain, Hawes or wherever...

    Just ride. Together. Share some beers, a bite to eat or just laughs.

    I'm buying.

    Get off the couch.
    "Nobody ever told me not to try" - Curious George Soundtrack by Jack Johnson

  16. #16
    How much further ???
    Reputation: Douger-1's Avatar
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    Mad,

    I am so sorry to hear about your loss. There are times in our lives where we are presented with great challenges. In just the past few years I too have had to deal with the loss of a family member, a foreclosure, loss of a job, lack of health insurance etc etc. and a couple times while driving home the thought crossed my mind that all I had to do was turn the wheel to the left slightly and I could hit that overpass support at 80mph. I think hitting rock bottom is normal and is something you have to go through as part of the process. Just keep in mind that things do get better. While never forgotten you will learn to live with things. Focus on all the positive things in your life even though at times there doesnt seem like many. Hang in there. You are not alone.
    Last edited by Douger-1; 07-21-2011 at 11:53 AM.
    典wenty years from now you will be more disappointed by the things that you didn't do than by the ones you did." Mark Twain

  17. #17
    Shred...it's the new drug
    Reputation: latedropbob's Avatar
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    With time this too shall pass...you are in a stage of grief and with the right motivation you will grow from it. Keep those pedals turning and your eyes pointed forward towards a new chapter in life...I've been thinking about your situation alot lately and feel for you buddy and count my blessing everyday because of it...You're a strong man and can and will move forward if you work at it...

  18. #18
    Eroding into the trail
    Reputation: DustyBones's Avatar
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    Oh man, that sucks!
    My heartfelt condolences on the loss of your wife/love of your life!
    I recall your mentioning that she was very ill in one of your previous posts.
    You will survive the challenge through your distractions and the passing of time.
    One never forgets events such as this, we just move along our individual path toward the next bend in the road!
    May your tomorrows' be brighter.
    Hang in there!

  19. #19
    I am Bob
    Reputation: chongoman's Avatar
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    You're outlook and perspective kick ass. Looking to beautiful things when in pain is a crazy evolved trait. Your eulogy to her is perfect.Things will never be the same, but you'll absolutely make it.

  20. #20
    Powered by ice cream.
    Reputation: Enel's Avatar
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    I am so sorry for your loss. I wanted to believe this was your creative writing at first. At first. How awful.

    Come up to Prescott any time. We have plenty of room for you to stay days if necessary in relative privacy...and ride if desired.

    He who dwells in the shelter of the Most High
    Will abide in the shadow of the Almighty.
    Quote Originally Posted by buddhak
    And I thought I had a bike obsession. You are at once tragic and awesome.

  21. #21
    mtbr member
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    My deepest condolences to you and those that loved her.
    You're a strong and creative person who can get through this. Don't do it alone, get help. Whether it's a ride from one of your friends above or professional help seek it out. It's a huge ocean you're navigating and it helps to have both direction and a map.
    May she rest in peace and may you heal in peace.
    M

  22. #22
    EDR
    Reputation: eatdrinkride's Avatar
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    I'm stunned. I don't know you personally but we have crossed paths on the trail.

    All I can say is that despite the deepest, darkest feelings of aloneness, know...as hard as it might be...that you are not alone. Your trials and tribulations are not yours solely. With this in mind comes hope. Many of us have gone through terrible life turns not too unlike what now confronts you. It may seem overwhelming when you compound the financial situation with your loss, but taking the time to grieve, reflect, and be downright angry is normal, and necessary, ....and ultimately healthy.

    Best of wishes to you.

  23. #23
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    My deepest condolences on the loss of your Wife. Keep on truckin' brother...

  24. #24
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    My thoughts are with you buddy. Take care of yourself - you are moving in the right direction!

  25. #25
    Big B's Trails
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    Wow, maad, I'm all choked up. I have never met you or your loved one but it sounds like it was a relationship built on love... that will never fade. Keep her in your heart and she WILL always be with you, even on your crazy azz bike-packing exploits that WE all LOVE to read about... maybe you could use one of your infamous trips right now...
    I dig dirt!

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